Friday, August 11, 2017

Boys are gross

The Boy: The Boy
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

The Boy: Hi.
BC: {sigh}.
The Boy: Good morning.
BC: {sigh}.

The Boy: It's awfully early, isn't it?
{Silence}
The Boy: How's my Buddy Bear?
BC: Phht.
The Boy: Can I pet you?
BC: No.
The Boy: {reaching down} I bet if I ...
{CHOMP}
The Boy: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Son of a ...
BC: So you've met my little friends?

{Bear and The Boy stare at each other}
The Boy: Hey.
BC: Hey.
The Boy: {grunt}.
BC: How's the weather?
The Boy: I don't know, I haven't been outside yet.
BC: Oh. How about that nineteen million dollar premium?
The Boy: You should stick to your day job and let me do my job.
BC: My day job? You mean annoying you?
The Boy: I KNEW you do that on purpose! HONEY! He FINALLY admitted ...

BC: Calm down, grasshopper. It's too early in the morning to get excited by anything other than tuna.
The Boy: Not even a tasty whole chicken farm?
BC: Good point. Did you finally buy me one?
The Boy: So what's on your agenda today? Sleep ... eat ... destroy something ... sleep ... eat ... annoy me ... poop ...
BC: Don't be ridiculous. I spend WAY more time destroying things and annoying people.
The Boy: And yet your Momma still fawns all over you.
BC: Maybe you should take a lesson.
The Boy: Ow. That hurt.
BC: WHAT?!? I didn't even bite you again yet!
The Boy: NO! I meant your insul ...
BC: I didn't insult you. I was only speaking the truth. If I were insulting you, I'd talk about you being shark bait. Let's play a game!

The Boy: {looking around} You want to play a game ... with ME?!?
BC: Don't worry. I'll win.
The Boy: We'll see about that. I'm smarter than you.
BC: Phht. Okay. So we count off ... I start with, "I ONE the litter box." Now you two.
The Boy: I don't get the {seeing Bear staring at him with no amusement in his eyes} ... I TWO the litter box.
BC: I THREE the litter box.
The Boy: I FOUR the litter box.
BC: I FIVE the litter box.
The Boy: Where is this going?
BC: Just PLAY ALONG! Sheesh! Is that so hard? I mean you can't count to ten without your brain spontaneously combusting?
The Boy: {sigh} I SIX the litter box.
BC: I SEVEN the litter box.
The Boy: I EIGHT the litter box.
BC: Hahahahahahahahahahaha. You ATE the litter box? Ewwww.
The Boy: You know, you should be happy to have another male around here. 
BC: I don't care about mail, dumbnuts! Unless there's a letter announcing that I won a tasty whole chicken farm.

The Boy: No! I meant male, M-A-L-E.
BC: But you don't have balls. Males have to have balls.
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: Where are your balls?
The Boy: You don't have balls!
BC: Yes, I do!
The Boy: No, you don't!
BC: If I show you my balls, you have to show me yours.
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: You first.
The Boy: First, I argue with a cat ... and then this ... SEE?!?!
BC: They're HAIRY! Those aren't ...
MK: {walking into the room with Ellie in her arms} There's your ... {Momma sees what's going on in the middle of the family room}.
The Boy: Uh oh.
MK: I don't want to know!
The Boy: It's not what it looks like!
MK: You're not showing Bear ...
The Boy: Okay. It is what it looks like. But wait ...
MK: I don't want to know.
BC: Hahahahahaha.
The Boy: You did that on purpose!
BC: Hahahahahaha.
EM: Boys are gross.

MK: You can say that again.

EM: Last night, Bear showed me his balls.
BC: I TOLD YOU!
The Boy: He doesn't have any balls!
EM: Yeah, he does! He let me play with them.
MK: WHAT?!?!? BEAR CAT KAT!

BC: Uh oh.
EM: I like playing with balls!
BC: It's not MY fault she's an expert ball-handler!
MK: That's it. It's too early in the morning for this nonsense.
The Boy: He said I don't have balls! If I showed him mine, he said he'd show me his! 
MK: And you think that explanation makes it any better?
The Boy: No. I suppose not.
MK: If Bear jumped off a bridge ...
BC: OOH! Are there TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS where I'm jumping? Like a bridge over a tasty whole chicken farm?

MK: {to The Boy} SEE! THIS is who you're competing against.
The Boy: No. I guess that's not to my credit.
BC: If you refuse to jump off the bridge ... more tasty whole chickens for me!!! You can stay on the bridge and lick your balls. Though those hairy things aren't MY kind of balls.
EM: Bear, you don't even PLAY with your type of balls!
MK: That's it. You all deserve each other.
{Momma shuts herself in the bathroom}
EM: WAIT! What are you doing in there?!?! Let me in! I have to wat ...

BC: Are there tasty whole chickens in there?!?! Let me in!
The Boy: HONEY! I have to use the bathroom before I start work!
EM: I have to watch!
BC: TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS!

The Boy: I have to go!!!!
EM: Hey! I want to watch!
BC: I want my chickens!
The Boy: HEY!!!!
MK: No. I'm in my happy place!
BC: In the bathroom?!
MK: Go away!
BC: Sheesh! What's HER problem?!?! 
EM: Momma!!!
The Boy: HONEY!
BC: CHICKENS!!!!
MK: I'm not home.

BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: What?!?! Why are you two looking at me?!?! MOMMA! The Boy and Ellie are looking at me funny!
The Boy: {trying not to laugh} She's not home, remember?
BC: Who asked you?!?! YOU started this!
The Boy: NO! YOU started it!
BC: You talked to me first! I TRIED to ignore you!
The Boy: You brought up balls!
EM: SHUT UP!
BC: You shut up!
EM: Hey! You're touching me!
BC: You're touching ME!
EM: You touched me!
BC: You touched me first!
EM: I did not!
BC: Yes, you did! You touched me last night before Momma put you in your room!
EM: You should be happy she does that! You need protection.
BC: From YOU?!?!
EM: ARRRRRRRRRRRG!!!

BC: HEY! Quit it!
{The cats start rolling around on the floor wrestling}

The Boy: Knock it off!
{The cats continue to wrestle}
The Boy: HEY!!! STOP IT!!!
{The cats keep on wrestling}
The Boy: IF I GIVE YOU BOTH TREATS, WILL YOU STOP FIGHTING?!?!
{The cats stop fighting ...}
{The cats run to the kitchen ...}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Did you say ...
EM: TREATS?!?!?!
The Boy: Are you two going to stop fighting?!?
BC: NO!
{Pause}
BC: Ummm ...
{Pause}
BC: YES!
EM: Okay!
The Boy: {dropping treats on the floor} Here you go.
BC: HEY! She got more treats than I did!
EM: Let me help you ...
BC: HEY! {Bear whaps Ellie with his paw} Those are my treats!
EM: You weren't eating them! You were talking!
BC: Stop watching me!
EM: Stop bossing me around!
BC: Leave me alone!
EM: Leave ME alone!
BC: You started it!
EM: NO! You started it!
BC: Un uh!
EM: Uh huh ...
The Boy: OH! Time for work! I've never been so eager to start work before! BYE!

{At the same time ...} 
EM: Mommmmmmmmmmmmm!!
BC: MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA!!!
{Silence}
EM: Now what are we supposed to do?
BC: Take a nap?
EM: Works for me.
BC: Don't follow me.
EM: I wasn't going to.
BC: FINE!
EM: FINE!

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52 comments:

  1. MOL! Very nice joke, Bear, and getting the Boy to fall right for it! And treats make everything better, but only as long as both cats get an equal share! Happy Friday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Secret?!?! Momma actually learned that from Sesame Street 35 years ago ... only it was a sandbox!

      Delete
  2. Hey Bear, I think you need to sign up for the Tasty Whole Chicken subscription box and let Ellie Mae have the treats!

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  3. Ellie Mae is definitely winning here. But don't worry, Bear, you are still awfully cute.

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  4. 8 de litter box !!!! good one guyz....N dood.....seer ee iz lee ....bee tween uz
    "gross" doodz.....ya ever wunder WEAR R ballz went....like....one day they R ther
    N de next.....ther knot.....ya think therz a spesh spot sum wear we dunno bout...
    like may bee itz piled high two de rafters fulla...well...ewe noe.....balls !! ☺☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Secret?!?! Momma actually learned that from Sesame Street 35 years ago ... only it was a sandbox!
      You bring up a good question ... who's stealing our balls?!?! That atrocity must stop! Wild oats R us! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Boys are gross... which is why we only have ONE brother and thankfully, he keeps to himself most of the time. We'll have to remember that joke for later, though. You never know when we might need it!

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    Replies
    1. Quint's a cutie! And a talented artist! Momma's jealous of all your ginger girls!

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  6. Hey! We're not gross ;) - Beau & walker ;P

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    Replies
    1. My brother Bear is! Maybe I should say MANY boys are gross? ~Ellie Mae

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  7. Ellie boys have cooties...be sure your get the cootie shot
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. ANOTHER shot?!?! Because of BOYS?!?! They are SO not worth it! ~Ellie Mae

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  8. MOL, I never laughed so much in my life. Now when you say boys are Gross, does that mean you weigh them with the balls, then they are Nett without?
    Purrrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Sounds like we did our job :) Oh, yes. We weigh them gross ;)

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  9. I eight the litter box. Bawhahahahhahahahahahahahahaha. That's pretty funny and I may have to play that joke on Ruby - only she might actually do it so better not.

    XOXO, Rosie

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    Replies
    1. Secret?!?! Momma actually learned that from Sesame Street 35 years ago ... only it was a sandbox!

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  10. MOL ! Oh Bear, we can't believe the Boy did it ! Purrs

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  11. Too funny. You are all a bunch of comedians. Very funny. Sure makes the Mom laugh. Have a good evening.

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  12. Ellie Mae, you didn't *see* anything you shouldn't, did you? I fear those nasty boys are going to corrupt you! --Mudpie

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  13. MOL, Bear! You got the boy to say he ate the litter box! I do have to agree that boys are gross, at least my brother Pierrot is. Not you!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Coming from a beautiful ladycat, that means a lot! ~Bear Cat
      EWW! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  14. AMARULA: Bear you are so so smart--making the Boy say he ate the litter box!! Ha ha -- you are the only smart boy i know!!

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    Replies
    1. Err ... thank you?!? I mean, Frodo DOES use a houseplant to do his business ... ~Bear Cat

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  15. I think Ellie Mae has found her place...and is not going to give it up. It's okay, Bear. It takes nothing away from you. xo

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  16. MOL! You have a funny household - hairy balls, tasty chickens and all! Dad says I don't have "any balls", 'cause I'm "fixed." But I see them rolling around the floor & some have bells in them. I play with them sometimes, too. I don't know what he's talking about. There is a fuzzy ball hanging from the garage to help Mom park the car.

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    Replies
    1. Momma got those kitty-sized tennis balls for me ten years ago and I've touched them exactly ZERO times. Luckily, Ellie loves them. Actually, since she does, I might try them just in case! ~Bear Cat

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  17. I knew you had more balls than The Boy. Just kidding :)

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  18. OMC. There'a never a dull moment at your house.

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  19. I feel for The Boy. Head games with pets never ends well for the uprights. I know from experience. *Sigh*

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  20. Your house is definitely more exciting than ours!

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  21. I will never look at cat toy balls the same way. HaHaHa!

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  22. Bwahaha! You made The Boy eat the litter box, Bear! MOL!

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  23. Aaaaaaaaaw Ellie, sorry you're still stayin' by yourself at night. Ya'll sure do have fun. And treats, we might have to give dat fightin' thing a try. (Dezi hears mommy in the background) what's dat mommy? You don't reward bad behavior? It only makes it happen more? Well, guess we wont be tryin' to get treats by play fightin' or any other fightin'. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. We set a bad example? It's all The Boy's fault!!!

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  24. Well, um, wow....we are not even sure what to say, other than no wonder Momma needs a happy place! MOL

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