Wednesday, February 15, 2017

This never happened

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - This never happened:
BC: {banging on the bathroom door with his paws} Let me in!!! Momma! I know you're in there! You have a tasty whole chicken in there, don't you?!?! You NEVER close the door on me.
{Pause}
BC: MoooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMA!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} There are MONSTERS out here! I see their ferocious jaws ... they're OGLING me and SNEERING at me!!! LET ME IN!!!! I don't want to be a tasty whole cat treat for these ... these ... cat flesh fiends!
{Pause}
BC: {no longer whispering} LET ME IN THE MOTHER-MEOWING BATHROOM!!! I bet you have toasters and pens and fishy and tasty whole chickens and lots of cords and bows ... and ... ALL THE THINGS YOU DON'T WANT ME TO PLAY WITH!!! You closed yourself in there so you didn't have to share! Let me in or I'LL BREAK THIS DOOR DOWN!!!
{Pause}
BC: FINE! In three ... one ... two ... THREE!
{Silence}
BC: That was your last chance! Now this count is for real! ONE! TWO! THREE!
{Silence}
BC: You don't think I can break the door down! Is that it? You think you're safe in your little cocoon and you think I won't ACTUALLY break down the door! Well, LET ME TELL YOU, lady!
{Silence}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
{THUMP!}
BC: Ow.
{Pause}
BC: I will not be deterred. I will not stop until I've removed this door keeping me from endless kitty delights! MAKE MY DAY!
{Pause}
BC: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!
{THUNK!}
BC: RATS! You reinforced this stupid door! I HATE YOU! LET ME IN!!!!!
{Pause}
BC: That's IT! A one ... and a two ... and a CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGE!
{THUNK!!!!}
BC: AHA! Finally! 
{Pause}
BC: {looking up} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: It's YOU! Why are YOU here?
The Boy: Ummm ... because I live here?
BC: Yeah, yeah ... not for long!
The Boy: What?!?!
BC: You're not wearing pants.
The Boy: I ...
BC: This never happened.
The Boy: Agreed.
BC: {walking away} Carry on.
The Boy: {to himself} When she said everything has to be approved by the cat, I thought she was kidding!
{Ten minutes pass ... Momma comes home to find Bear looking at one wall and The Boy looking at the opposite wall}.

MK: What happened here? Why are you both pretending to not see each other?
{Silence}
MK: {sigh} You busted in the bathroom on him again, didn't you?
{Silence}
MK: Bear?
BC: I thought there were tasty whole chickens in there!!!

MK: You watched me walk out the front door, Bear. You knew I wasn't here.
BC: Well, no ... not really. I mean with all your voodoo, you could find a way back in without me realizing it.
MK: Otherwise known as you napping.
BC: HEY! A cat needs his beauty rest! Not that I would expect you to understand.

The Boy: Well, that wasn't very nice ...
BC: Nice? NICE?!?! I'm a CAT. I don't DO nice! I do what I want to.
The Boy: You could be nicer to your Momma.
BC: Who asked you?

MK: BEAR!
BC: Are you STILL here?
The Boy: I live here ...
BC: Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in!

The Boy: You didn't seem to mind last night when you snuggled up to me!

MK: Uh oh.
BC: Snuggled? SNUGGLED?!?!?! I, sir, do not SNUGGLE. I get close to keep warm. But snuggle? No. Since you besmirched my honor ... I challenge you to a duel.
The Boy: I've never been challenged to a duel by one of my cats.
MK: Uh oh.
BC: YOUR cat? YOUR CAT?!?! Phht. I think NOT. You might be okay running around here not wearing pants ... but I assure you that I ALWAYS wear the pants around here.
The Boy: Just who do you think you are?
MK: Uh oh.
BC: Who am I? WHO AM I? WHO. AM. I? I am Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest.

The Boy: {trying to conceal laughter} Ummm ... you're not a black cat. And where's your forest? And BUTTERCUP? BUTTERCUP?!?!?
BC: If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
The Boy: That makes no sense ...
BC: {unsheathing his claws} PREPARE TO DIE!
MK: Okay, okay. That's enough!
BC: HE started it!
The Boy: No. YOU started it.
BC: No. YOU started it.
The Boy: You.
BC: Are you STILL HERE? Don't you have some other cat's life to ruin? I mean, you steal my table ... you try to replace me by giving MY Momma a stuffed bear ... you don't share your tasty chicken with me ... and you expect me to share MY Momma! She's MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!!!


MK: Oh, Bear. I'm still your Momma. Come here, Love Bug.
BC: Phht.
MK: Please? I love you, Bug.
BC: Well ... I mean ... oh ... I love you, Momma.

The Boy: HEY! What about me?
BC: DO YOU MIND?!?! My Momma and I are having a moment here!
The Boy: Well ...
{Bear unsheathes his claws on one paw behind Momma's back ...}
The Boy: Ummm ... I'll just let you two have a little privacy.
BC: I think he's adjusting well to living here. At least he understands who rules the roost around here.

MK: You could be nicer, you know.
BC: But I'm a cat! I do what I want. Some cat's got to keep the dude in line! If he hurts you again, he better be able to run REALLY FAST.
MK: Thank you, Bear.
BC: He has to wear pants. But not THE pants. THE pants are mine.
MK: Says the cat that spends half his time under the bed or hidden in the closet.

BC: That never happened.
MK: Of course not.
BC: Story of my life.
MK: I'm glad you happened, Bear.
BC: Yeah, yeah. Being homeless sucked though.
MK: I guess we're lucky to have each other, huh? Without your love, I wouldn't be able to love The Boy the way I do.
BC: No good deed goes unpunished!!! {sigh} I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you, Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest.

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44 comments:

  1. Well done Bear, I think maybe you and the Boy have the necessary UNDERSTANDING of the order of Pants! By order I don't mean there is a secret society or anything... that would just be daft.... or would it? Purrs Erin PS I insisted on having doors removed from the Palace or flaps put in to allow due inspection. Just saying. ER

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    Replies
    1. Flaps!! I LOVE it. Saves on having to bust the door down all the time. Just stick my head through the door and figure out if there's anything worth it in there! ~Bear Cat

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  2. I sure am glad that never really happened to you Bear!

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  3. I vote for the duel! I'd like to see how that goes...somehow I'm guessing that Bear may be all talk. :-)

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    Replies
    1. HEY! I have claws and fangs, you know! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Oh Bear, we're on your side. Claw da boy up and give him you know what. Make him pay fur hurtin' your mommy. Once a chump, always a chump. MOL As fur cuddlin', ya' can't be respawnsible fur what happens when you're asleep. 'Specially when somepawdy takes over your spot on da bed. We just made sure there's no room left on our bed fur anypawdy else. Nope, just mommy and us. No room on da bed. And, it looks like da boys chair could use a little, uh, redecoratin'. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... maybe THAT'S why Momma clipped my claws yesterday ... don't worry, I'll bide my time.
      Sending hugs to you ladies. ~Bear Cat

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  5. I think the only way to make it clear that Momma is yours it to pee on her :) Just kidding- don't do it.

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    Replies
    1. That's great advice! Think I could convince her that it was The Boy that peed on her? Hehehehehe. ~Bear Cat

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  6. Your poor Momma sure has her hands full with two boys in the house now, doesn't she?

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    Replies
    1. Just wait until The Boy becomes my favorite ... then she'll REALLY have problems. ~Bear Cat

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  7. Oh, my goodness. There is always something going on here, but not like that! 🐱❤

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    Replies
    1. My Momma keeps telling people it's "eventful" ... but I don't like the way she says it ... ~Bear Cat

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  8. All we can say is . . . Bear, you are going to have your paws full now keeping both your Momma and The Boy in line!! ;p

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    Replies
    1. I'm up to the challenge! I've had LOTS of practice! And my claws are EXTRA sharp right now ;) ~Bear Cat

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  9. Aw, Bear, you love your Momma so much. I like how you keep the boy in line with the unsheathed claws. :)

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    Replies
    1. It's the least I can do ... unless he gives me a tasty whole chicken ... then Momma's out ;) ~Bear Cat

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  10. Don't you worry Bear! We know who the real boss is! And if you ever need any help enforcing the rules Amarula has volunteered!

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    Replies
    1. WHOA! Amarula doesn't put up with any nonsense, does she? Well, except for Frodo ... but he can't help it ;) ~Bear Cat

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  11. Oh Bear, how will you ever learn to live with another male? And share your Momma!!?

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    Replies
    1. I sense some p!ssing contests coming on. ~Bear Cat

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  12. Replies
    1. I did accomplish that pretty competently, didn't I? ~Bear Cat

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  13. Really Bear? You were snuggling with the Boy?? Will wonders never cease???

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    Replies
    1. He promised not to tell! I haven't let him touch me since this conversation. Show HIM! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Keep on looking after your mom, Bear :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  15. We love how you keep the Boy inline ! And we vote for the duel : show him who is the boss ! Purrs

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    Replies
    1. It's the least I can do ... unless he gives me a tasty whole chicken ... then Momma's out ;) ~Bear Cat

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  16. OMCs Bear are you telling me there is chicken behind the bathroom doors? Is it KFC original? No wonder the peeps go in there.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. My intelligence tells me they keep it in there ... I can SMELL it ... yet I haven't caught them with it or intercepted the delivery. I won't rest until I find out what's going on in there! ~Bear Cat

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  17. So glad you chose this post for the Pet Blogger Showcase, it is brilliant. Purrs ERin

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  18. Oh, it seems we have missed something here! Bear, you just make sure that Boy continues to treat your Mom right!
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

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  19. Hello Bear,
    Tucker here. 'Just wanted to give you a word of encouragement. As the 14-year old Alpha of The Tribe of Five I can tell you from first-hand (or paw) experience that training a human can often be a tedious and loooong job. It looks like you are on the right track with The Boy so keep up the good work!
    Your Friend,
    Tucker

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! It's hard work, but I think I'm up to the challenge! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Good for you for working to protect your Momma. She's very lucky to have you there to do that.

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    1. I should get paid! At least have a contract? ~Bear Cat

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  21. Everething SHOULD be approved by you -- that's a clear no brainer. AND Our dog Shermie also does NOT enjoy having the door closed and will also bark until it either opens on its own or simply unlocks from his Bays. Good for you!

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    Replies
    1. I rip up carpet or howl ... and I've trained my Momma well (not so much The Boy ... YET) ;) ~Bear Cat

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