Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Not the {REAL} Momma

BC: Bear Cat

{Momma's away at the conference, The Boy walks in the front door with his dinner.}

BC: Oh. It's you.
The Boy: Bear, your Momma's at the BlogPaws conference for the next couple days.
BC: As if I couldn't tell! You're definitely NOT the Momma!
The Boy: STOP SAYING THAT!
BC: Phht. It matters you know!
The Boy: I feed you, scoop your litter box ...
BC: IT'S NOT THE SAME!
The Boy: You bite her when she's around!

BC: That's my way of showing her I love her!
The Boy: {walking across the room} I don't know ...
{Pause}
The Boy: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Not AGAIN!
BC: Hehehehehehehehe.
The Boy: You left these toys there on purpose JUST so I'd trip over them!

BC: My toys are "free-range" toys, I hardly have control over all of them!
The Boy: Do you have control over any of them?
BC: Is that a trick question?

The Boy: I'm always moving your toys out of the way. Why can't you just keep them in a small area of the floor when you're not playing with them?

BC: Phht. My Momma gave up on that YEARS ago. With your intelligence, I have little hope that you'll reach that point any time soon. 
The Boy: I don't want to kill myself by tripping over cat toys!
BC: Then watch where you're going! Phht. If you're driving down the street and something is in the middle of the street, you don't plow it down just because it doesn't belong there! No. You watch where you're going, so you drive AROUND it! Capiche?

The Boy: I shouldn't have to be constantly on guard walking around my own home.
BC: I shouldn't have to be left alone with you ... but it happens. And this is NOT your home. It's MY home. Hmm. Can I kick you out?
The Boy: Your Momma wouldn't be happy.
BC: Phht. I'm always in trouble ... not like anything would change except that I wouldn't have to deal with you!
The Boy: Until your Momma comes home, keep your toys in this area, okay?
BC: But when they're in a huge pile, I forget about the toys I can't see! 
The Boy: Then you have too many toys!
BC: You're not the boss of me! Not even my Momma gets to boss me around ... and you're NOT the Momma!
The Boy: Come here! I bet I give ear rubs just as well as she does! Or belly rubs! Come here, Bear buddy!
BC: NO! NO! Don't touch me! BEAR ABUSE! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLPP! The Boy is trying to kill me! THE BOY IS TRYING TO KILL ME! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

The Boy: What the ...
BC: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLPP!
The Boy: I see your Momma doing this to you all the time!
BC: EXACTLY!
The Boy: Exactly what?
BC: My Momma can do that ... but you're NOT the Momma! 
The Boy: I'm the proxy for your Momma while she's away.
BC: You're STILL not the Momma!

The Boy: Stop saying that!
BC: You're NOT the Momma! No touching! And just so you know, if my Momma can't get me to do something ... you might as well forget it.
The Boy: Come ....
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS!
The Boy: But ...
BC: MROOWWWW!
The Boy: OWWW! I'm going to tell your Momma you did that.
BC: You can't say I didn't warn you!

The Boy: You hiss every time I try to touch you! You never hiss at your Momma.
BC: Because SHE'S THE MOMMA! You're just the thing she dragged in!
The Boy: Can I touch ...
BC: MROW! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSS.
The Boy: OWW!
{Pause}
The Boy: Wait a ... if you bite your Momma to show her you love her ... you bite me ... YOU LOVE ME!
BC: No. I bite you because I don't like you.
The Boy: I just want to be your friend!
BC: I just want tasty whole chickens and a hot tortie girlfriend. Hmmmm ... can you procure either of those for me?
The Boy: Err ... want a french fry?
BC: No ... {sniff} {sniff} ... hmm. Drop it.
The Boy: Eat it out of my hand!

BC: Phht. I don't eat of my Momma's hand and you're NOT THE MOMMA!
The Boy: Oh, just humor ...
BC: Then you just humor my free-range toys.
The Boy: {sigh} Fine.
{The Boy drops the fry}.
BC: Nom ... nomnomnomnomnomnom. Hmmm. Not bad. Can I have another one?

The Boy: Is this just between us?
BC: What kind of cat do you think I am? There's NOTHING between us! My heart belongs to torties.
The Boy: No, I meant not telling ...
BC: What are your intentions with my Momma?

The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: Are you going to do a doughnut intervention? The summer's coming and no one wants to see Miss Doughnut in a bathing suit!
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: Are you going to put a ring on it?
The Boy: I don't ...
BC: Well, if you decide to keep her, I need a ring that's really shiny. My stashes are short on shiny things.

The Boy: That reminds me ... have you seen my ...
BC: I'm not calling you 'daddy' until you put a ring on it. And in the meantime, I'm looking up 'tasty whole chicken farm' in the phone book, so I can find a dude that owns a tasty whole chicken farm. Why buy the chicken when the tasty is free ... umm ... err ... I swear, that sounded MUCH better in my head.
The Boy: But, have you seen my ...
BC: Are you and Momma going to have kittens of your own?
The Boy: {The Boy spits out the water he just drank} WHAT?!?!
BC: Kittens!
The Boy: You mean babies?
BC: Kittens are cat babies!
The Boy: I know! So why would we have kittens?
BC: Where did I come from?

The Boy: What do you mean, "where did I come from?" This might be a conversation for you and your Momma to have.
BC: Do I have to explain everything to you?
The Boy: I guess.
BC: I'm Momma's kitten!
The Boy: She's not your real Momma!
BC: WHAT?!?!?! Yes, she is!
The Boy: You know she's not! You always say that she's not your real Momma!
BC: Phht. I just say that to tick her off. Can't you see the resemblance?
The Boy: You've got to be kidding ... haven't you noticed that she's decidedly less furry than you? 
{Silence}
The Boy: Maybe that she doesn't have fangs or claws? She doesn't purr or meow ...
BC: HEY! Yeah, she can't purr, but she meows all the time!
The Boy: {sigh} Yes. She likes to think she's a cat.
BC: She IS a cat! Albeit an ugly and stupid one ... but you can't pick your family. It's not really her fault.

The Boy: I can't believe we're having this conversation.
BC: Still hung up on the weirdness of having full conversations with a cat?
The Boy: That too ... but I meant the conversation about your Momma being your real Momma.
BC: Why's that so weird?
The Boy: Because SHE'S NOT YOUR REAL MOMMA!
BC: WHAT?!?! I thought you were just bs'ing me! If she's not my real Momma, then who is? 
The Boy: I don't know ...
BC: I knew it! I'm an orphan!
The Boy: Now just wait a sec ....
BC: My WHOLE LIFE! A lie! Who am I? Where did I come from? Are there any tasty whole chickens there?
The Boy: Nothing's changed, Bear.
BC: {GASP} I could be the long lost heir to a tasty whole chicken farm! YES! I'm kitty royalty! 
The Boy: Now you're being ridic ...
BC: And Momma! She must've plucked me from the teats of my real Mom! I want to talk to my Momma!
The Boy: Bear, she's at the ...
BC: NOW! I'm going to confront her and tell her what's up for tricking me!
The Boy: She's busy!
BC: So! She's used to that! I bet she misses someone always disturbing her at whatever she's doing! Besides, she'll only get mad at you for calling.
The Boy: Lovely. HEY!
BC: Call ... or I'm going to keep sitting on your food.
The Boy: I know where your butt's been!
BC: Phht. I couldn't tell - seeing as you haven't scooped my litter box for days.

The Boy: It's only been one day ... err ... and a half.
BC: My Momma scoops it at least five times a day!
The Boy: I feed you.
BC: The kibble tastes different. It's like you boy-ties it!
The Boy: Boy-ties? 
BC: Cooties from boys!
The Boy: This from the cat whose butt is on my food. And I don't have cooties!
BC: HEY! You're the one that always complains that things aren't seasoned enough around here.
The Boy: I don't think the taste of cat butt is what's missing.
BC: What kind of weirdo tastes a cat butt?
The Boy: No! I meant ...
BC: I want to talk to my lawyer!
The Boy: You don't ...
BC: I want to talk to management!
The Boy: I'm ...
BC: YOU'RE NOT THE MOMMA!
The Boy: That's it! FINE! I'll call your Momma!
BC: GOOD!

{The Boy dials the phone}
The Boy: {into the phone} Bear wants to talk to you!
{Pause as Momma talks}
The Boy: {into the phone} WHAT? I didn't do anything to him! I have no idea! He keeps hissing at me and telling me I'm not the Momma!
BC: {meowing loud enough for Momma to hear} He's touching me!
The Boy: {handing the phone to Bear} Here.
BC: He gave me french fries!

{A loud screech comes through the phone}
The Boy: BEAR! Why did you do that?
BC: Because you're NOT THE MOMMA! HERE! She wants to talk to you! It's time for my nap.

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48 comments:

  1. MOL! We'll bet that french fry was pretty good!!!

    The Florida Furkids

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  2. What happens while The Momma is at the conference should stay in the home... just saying.
    xxoo

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    1. Luckily, The Boy keeps his mouth shut ;) ~Bear Cat

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  3. Ha ha ha!! All kinds of uncomfortable conversations happen when The Momma is away!

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  4. Oh my mouses! OH MY MOUSES! Bear, I just had the most incredible idea. You know how Father's Day is comin' up? You should get The Boy a t-shirt sayin', "NOT THE MOMMA!" Ooohhhh.... I bet he'd love that, for sure. PURRS.

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    1. The Boy told Momma your idea and she loved it ... then she came on here and saw that he stole it from you, Seville!! That Boy needs a stern talking to (and some teeth and claws)! ~Bear Cat

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  5. You are such a fun intelligent cat, Bear. I'm glad I don't have to share my mum with anyone.

    Purrs xx
    Athena

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    1. It sucks! You train one person and then when you expect to relax into retirement, another pops up! ~Bear Cat

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  6. I think I need to look into adopting some french fries Bear!

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  7. Poor Bear, he only wants his Momma!

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  8. Great conversations, you and that Boy have. You all are very funny, at least you make our Mom giggle. Have a great day.

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    1. I do. I'm not sure The Boy is amused ... but you know ;) ~Bear Cat

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  9. I have to ask, Bear, does the title of this post and your non-momma proclamations have anything to do with the show "Dinosaurs"? If not, then
    just ignore the '90s kid that I am and keep on letting The Boy know that he is, indeed, not the momma. Oh, and also, the kitties here love your method of sitting on The Boy's food. They've informed me that they will be adding this move to their repertoire. Purrs!

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    Replies
    1. A kindred spirit! YES! "Not the Momma" is inspired by the Dinosaurs ... in the last post with the reference, I explained the process - but I totally forgot this time. To be fair, I was in high school in the 90's - but I still got a kick out of Baby Sinclair (AKA "Ugh ugh, I'm dying, you idiot!")

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  10. Oh Dear Bear I hope your real Mama is home by now and the boy has been relieved of any duties.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. YES! The Boy BARELY survived. He's lucky. ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bear, we're so pleased to see you have high standards. And he is NOT the Momma. We totally would never accept a substitute either.

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    1. Momma's not great ... but she's always better than THAT BOY! ~Bear Cat

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  12. That was deliciously devious. Way to go, Bear.

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  13. Bear, we can't believe your momma hasn't come home yet. Our humans have been home for two days. Just wait until The Boy sees all the goodies she is bringing home. You'll have things to strew about all over the house. Our mom spent lots of time with your momma. She's fun and DOES NOT have a donut butt. We'll be waiting to find out what you think about all the loot you are going to get. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

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    Replies
    1. She's actually been home since Sunday morning ... we just didn't get a chance to finish the post for Friday last week! I'm excited by the swag - I've checked it out several times. WOO-HOO! Hello, Meowijuana! ~Bear Cat

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  14. There used to be a show called The Dinosaurs and the baby dinosaur would whack the Daddy and say, "not the momma" :) I hope she gets back soon , I am sure you miss her.

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    1. YES! "Not the Momma" is inspired by the Dinosaurs ... in the last post with the reference, I explained the process - but I totally forgot this time. To be fair, I was in high school in the 90's - but I still got a kick out of Baby Sinclair (AKA "Ugh ugh, I'm dying, you idiot!") :)

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  15. I knew you'd win this one with the Boy and you did, MOL! Too funny about food being seasoned with cat butt! I also liked all the questions you asked the boy just to make him uncomfortable.

    Bear, that's so sweet that your momma thought of me at BlogPaws when she saw the ginger girls. :)

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    1. My Momma falls in love with so many cats! You're lucky you weren't at the conference, she would've asked you 100s of questions about Annie and Pierrot! ~Bear Cat

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  16. Oh no! Looks like trouble was a foot, but glad the real Momma came home!

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  17. Heeheehee.....we think you were planning that all along, Bear Cat! The Boy played right into your paws!

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    1. You're very smart! You must be owned by a cat! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Way to go, Bear, for telling 'The Boy' like it is! He may wish to be your momma, but only your momma can be your momma, right?! My flat self met her at BlogPaws & said she is a smart & talented lady. And flat me heard her saying that she was missing you - yes, it's true. The Boy is not so bad, though, if he gave you a french fry - nom nom... I'm pretty sure your pile of toys is about to get bigger when Miss Katherine empties the swag bag she brought home to you! The brown truck man, I think, will be bringing mine to the house. Mew Mew & purrs pal.

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    1. I already got many of the new toys! HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO catnip! I'm feelin' GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! ~Bear Cat

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  19. Jeez Bear, we thought for sure you'd go for the French fry. We woulda been all over that!

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    1. OF COURSE I ate it! I just wasn't going to eat it out of his HAND. You never know where that's been! ~Bear Cat

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  20. "Free range toys"! Made me giggle You must admit The Boy is looking after you well, even if he isn't quite up to Momma's standards!

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    1. He leaves something to be desired ;) ~Bear Cat

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  21. You had us at "free range toys," Bear. Ha!

    Why'd you tell Momma about the french fries? Maybe you should just keep that between you and the Boy?

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    1. Nah. It's much funner when he gets in trouble! And he never learns! ~Bear Cat

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  22. Bear, how could you tell on him like that? Now you better watch out next time your momma goes out of town and leaves you with him! "free-range" toys - MOL! We must have free-range toys over here, too.

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    Replies
    1. "Free-range toys" was the best part! ~Bear Cat

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  23. Bear, I just had an idea. Maybe your birth mother was a tortie! That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?

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    1. If my Momma could be a cat ... it would be a tortie!!! But yes ... I have some fabulous tortie-ness to me! ~Bear Cat

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  24. French fries... Hmm not sure they would work around here as peep can barely speak English let alone French! Still, I love your approach to toy strategic location. I always go for free range with my guests.... er, sorry I meant toys, and organic wherever possible. OK so they don't stay free range for long but isn't that just how peep toys when the batteries run out?
    Purrs, ERin

    PS The T Shirt idea is brilliant, in fact ones that say "I have Tortitude!" OR "Beware, Cat with Tortitude" could catch on. What could I have for me though?

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    1. I might wear a tux ... but I know how to rumble?
      That sounded better in my head!

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