Friday, February 24, 2017

No more boys

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy
Boy #2

Daily conversation - No more boys:
BC: {walking into the family room where he finds Momma and a DIFFERENT boy} Oh, no no no no no no no. HEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO! Uh uh. NOT going to happen. Not ANOTHER one!

MK: Shh.
BC: No. Don't shhh me! NO MORE BOYS! 

MK: BEAR!
BC: NO. One Boy living here is more than enough. This is illegal! And immoral! And just plain wrong!
{The Boy walks in the room}
BC: Do you see this crap? Did you have something to do with this?!?! Because let me tell you ...
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: THERE'S ANOTHER BOY, DIMWIT!

The Boy: Well, it's not really the ...
BC: Are you just multiplying like bunnies? Or are you cloning yourself? Because I swear, if I see you break into two boys, I'm going to open a can of whoop-ass first and ask questions later!
The Boy: He's not here to ...
BC: {looking repeatedly from the visitor boy to The Boy} Uh uh. NOT GONNA happen! Not in this lifetime or in any of my eight other lives! My Momma's a harlot! How much money do you make, Momma? With all the guys moving through here, I should have a tasty whole chicken farm by now!
The Boy: What guys?
BC: You. The guy on the love seat. My family room's turned into a waiting room! NO! A BOY FARM! What is wrong with you people?!?! And in front of my toys and cat tree! Do you not have decency or respect for innocents?

MK: Says the cat that rips the ears off the "innocents" and beats the smack out of them.
BC: HEY! I don't tell you how to play with YOUR toys!
MK: Ummm ... actually ...
BC: RATS! But that's only because YOUR toys are MY toys! But these boys? ALL YOURS! I can't have a tasty whole chicken farm, but you can have a boy farm?
The Boy: Bear, this guy's here to ...
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR DEBAUCHERY! MIND BLEACH!!! I NEED LOTS OF MIND BLEACH! No! My brain needs washing! With bleach! With extra-strength bleach! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO! I need a brain TRANSPLANT!

The Boy: Can we choose a low attitude, smarter model this time?
{Bear stares at The Boy}
The Boy: I mean, you do kind of stupid stuff all the time ...
BC: Says The Boy that broke up with my Momma HOW many times?
MK: BEAR!
{Pause}
BC: WHAT?!?!? I'm so stressed, I'm MOLTING! 
The Boy: Well, your Momma and I love each other very much.
BC: Excuse you while I barf a little! Nothing says "I love you," like my Momma's boy collection.
The Boy: Collection?
BC: Didn't I warn you?!? Wait a ... 
{Pause}
BC: {to the second boy} Do you have a tasty whole chicken farm? Because I could trade one boy for another.
Boy #2: Excuse me?
BC: A T-A-S-T-Y space W-H-O-L-E space C-H-I-C-K-E-N space F-A-R-M.
Boy #2: I don't think so.
BC: I KNEW IT! Momma is choosing only boys that don't have tasty whole chicken farms! Then again, a boy with smarts and taste would have a tasty whole chicken farm AND because of that intelligence and taste, he wouldn't date my Momma. I'M SCREWED!!!
Boy #2: This guy's pretty funny ...
MK: Don't encourage him!
BC: ENCOURAGE ME!!! ENCOURAGE ME!!!

Boy #2: ... for a cat.
BC: HEY! That's it! Prepare to die!
Boy #2: Hahahahahaha ... {he stops as he sees Bear's face} ... ummm. UH OH!
BC: {narrowing his eyes} What are your intentions with my Momma?
Boy #2: Actually, I'm here to ...
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! Don't make me an accomplice to your evility and depravity! Did I ask? No!
Boy #2: Actually you ...
BC: RATS! WHO ASKED YOU?!?!

Boy #2: Actually ...
BC: Is that the only word you know?
Boy #2: No. I mean ...
BC: WHO ASKED YOU?!?!
Boy #2: YOU DID!
BC: I must be more stressed than I thought! 
MK: Bear, the guy's here to look at the television.
BC: I don't care! You have to take this one back to the store! I know you like to stock up on stuff, but do we really need TWO boys? I think not!

MK: What are you ...
BC: Or the boy farm or wherever else you dragged him in from.
MK: Bear, he's not going to be here for very long!
BC: Here's my list of conditions ... no one eats my food, climbs on my cat tree, snuggles with my Momma, plays with my toys ... you try, you die.
The Boy: Well, I mean, I've been snuggling with your Momma ... {seeing Bear's face}.
{Pause}
The Boy: Uh oh. I better pick up my shoes and put away my work papers before we go to bed tonight. We don't want a repeat of last week.
BC: Hahahaha. You're welcome. Now THAT was a true masterpiece if I might say so myself! I was pretty proud of that one! 

{Pause}
BC: OH! One more condition ... no more bears! Or copy cats disguised as bears.
MK: Bear, the teddy bear is cute! And he hasn't messed with you.
BC: One can never be too sure or too safe! I mean, I'm cute and I know how to destroy stuff!!! 
The Boy: He has a point.
BC: No. I have twenty two points to be exact. Would you like a demonstration?
The Boy: Hahahahahaha ... err ... oh, you're serious. Err ... no thank you.
BC: I HATE YOU! You're no fun!
{Pause}
BC: {to the second boy} How about you?
The Boy: HEY!
BC: Well, if you don't want to play, I should give the other guy a chance ... he might be a keeper. Then your job would no longer be available.
The Boy: HEY! Last time was more than enough!
BC: Hehehehehe. It WAS a good one. But my favorite was a week ago. Hahahahaha. I'm the shark.
The Boy: Oh, no, you don't!
BC: Come on! It'll be fun! What good are my claws and fangs if I can't use them? I have to get some furry fury out before it gets all clogged up!
{The doorbell rings}
BC: The aliens are here! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear runs under the bed}

Boy #2: Is he always like that?
The Boy: Mr. Tough Pants strikes again!
BC: HEY! I heard that!
The Boy: Uh oh.

Featured posts of the day:

40 comments:

  1. More boys?? Where will it end ? Oh Bear, what you have to put up with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! One more, and Momma's going to need to find another cat! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. Time to get tough, Bear, think opportunity opportunity opportunity! If you can encourage a selection to visit they can each feed you and contribute to that tasty chicken ranch for you and your peep's retirement... call it Food or Fangs, or Cuddles or Claws. Purrs, ERin
    PS If you can get a different sort to come each time, TV this time, Chicken Rancher next etc. then maybe you can get lots of free stuff like Chickens!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course, they'd allow me to sample the merchandise, right? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  3. Bear, the lady enjoyed reading this so much. A boy farm sounds bleh to me, but I love your whole chicken farm idea!

    I think you're smart to go under the bed when the doorbell rings. I do the same. Could be aliens or cat murderers. Best be safe than sorry is my motto. -Annie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CAT MURDERERS? Is there such a thing? Not that the boys are much better ... just saying ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  4. I had a similar problem until recently Bear, it was more girls though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Girls are okay ... as long as they don't try to dress me in pink or give me kisses ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. A boy farm. MOL! Yeah, we have to admit there ought to be a chick-hen in there somewhere...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh Bear, we're so sorry you're bein' subjected to such horrific conditions. Ya' know, your mommy might say things 'bout ya' to imply negative things, but there's no way on this or any other planet she should be allowin' da "boy" too. Even mommy offered to come with us to teach dat boy a lesson or ten in da purropurr way to treat a kitty. MOL We sure hope ya' get all this sorted soon. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Boys are just trouble! Eww. I need a sign that says "no boys allowed!" ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. More than one boy ? What's happening in your house, Bear ? It's time to show them who is the boss ! Purrs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I already do! That's why I'm grounded for the rest of eternity! I need a new strategy! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. Look out, Bear, there are boys coming out of the woodwork! Is it time to go all Bear Bond, 009 Lives, on them?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. {to the tune of the James Bond theme song} DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUH DA da de da. Bond. Bear Bond. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. Bear,
    I tell you one thing if I walked in any room here to find a boy or a girl cat or any other kind critter there would be some serious
    pay back going on...you know revenge is sweet right? I've been an only cat for almost 15 years and I like it that way.
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These are HUMAN boys though!!! Revenge ... yes ... revenge is DEFINITELY in order! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. Don't you worry Bear! Amarula says that you're the only boy in her heart!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww. That made it all better for real. Nothing compares to the love of a tortie! Thank you, Amarula :) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  11. Let me just say, plumbers, electricians and mechanics are the only kind of boys to keep around. At least the household runs smoothly. 😇 One can always buy whole chickens.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point. So far my Momma's taken care of all of that (surprisingly to both of us ... rather competently!!). ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. Oh my! Did you ever find out why the second boy was there??? And Mudpie is wondering if something is going on between you and Amarula? Are tortie wars imminent? Don't complain about Momma having two boys when you're courting two torties ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He was here to "look at the television." I love torties ... but Mudpie will always be my favorite! ALWAYS! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  13. Oh no, Bear. Who's at the door? Is it another boy?????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not this time, thank the cat! But there's always a next time! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  14. I agree Bear, no more boys. You Momma deserves a Man that appreciates her for the sweet and wonderful woman she is. XO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if I'd go THAT far ... okay, okay ... I would ... she's pretty special ... :) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  15. Boy oh boy, sounds like you have your paws full with all these multiplying boys. Rosie says she is available to help if you need a second set of eyes to keep track of all these boys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I might just take you up on that offer, Rosie! Thank you! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  16. We think there's more to this story. Who were these boys?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm undercover to find out! I'm not taking this sitting down! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  17. Bear we can't stop laughing... MIND BLEACH!!!.... sorry this comment ends here as we can't stop laughing!!! MOL MOL MIND BLEACH!!! MOL MOL

    Purrs

    Basil & Co xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We love to hear that! Making people/cats laugh is the highest compliment! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  18. Bear! Wait, he was there to "look at the television?" So, like, is he going to just take up space on the sofa, and watch TV all day and night? Yikes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my cat! You're RIGHT! I thought he was here to FIX the television ... but my Momma did say he was LOOKING at the TV ... I'm SCREWED! SCREWED! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  19. Bear, sounds like you're not doing your job holding down the fort. How many boys are you going to let in there? At least this new boy didn't move in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YET. You're right though. I'm going to guard the door between naps. I mean, no boy would dare to come in WHILE I'm napping, right? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  20. Your momma turned your livin' room into a boy farm? And STILL no endless supply of tasty whole chickens? MOUSES!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! Those peeps are selfish! SELFISH! I should get everything I want whenever I want it! ~Bear Cat

      Delete