Friday, June 30, 2017

False advertising

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

MK: Bear!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: But I saw the culprit and he ran that way! I bet if you're fast enough, you can catch him!

MK: The aliens again?
BC: No. Sheesh! Everyone knows The Boy scared off Gary and Larry.
MK: Okay. So who made this mess?
BC: Who makes ALL the messes around here?!?! 
MK: You?
BC: The Boy!
MK: Bear, why would The Boy knock stuff off the counter?
BC: How should I know?!?! The second I understand That Boy is the second when everything stops making sense.
MK: The Boy hasn't been home in the last few hours and this mess wasn't here when he left.
BC: {GASP} {whispering} He's WATCHING us!
MK: Who?
BC: THE ... {back to whispering} The Boy!
MK: Why would he be watching us?
BC: He's ... INVISIBLE! HE made the mess and he's INVISIBLE so you can't see him!
MK: I could've sworn you said you SAW the culprit.
BC: Umm ... well, I see him. He's right behind you! HAHAHA. He's giving you bunny ears! He's just invisible to you!
MK: Is it really that hard to admit when you do something?
BC: Phht. Why should I admit to something an INVISIBLE BOY did!?!?! That makes NO sense! I mean, if we were talking about the mess in your closet or the avalanche in the pantry, I'd admit to ...

{Momma sniggers}

BC: RATS! RATS RATS! Did you go to some ridiculous Mom school where they teach Moms how to trick poor innocent kids into confessing?
MK: I'm pretty sure if a kid confesses to something, he's not innocent.
BC: So that's the lie they tell you!
MK: How's that a lie?
BC: I have a right against self-incrimination.
MK: I'm pretty sure that's a moot point when you openly confess.
BC: Phht. No one heard that but you!

MK: And the invisible Boy.
BC: RATS! You've reached Bear Cat. I'm busy pulling my hind paw out of my mouth with a shoe horn. BUT I'M STILL INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY!  BEEEEEP!
MK: Oh for the ... {looking at her watch} Now, where in the heck is he!?? 
BC: Holy crap! Dumbnuts is rubbing off on you! I'm RIGHT HERE, Momma!
MK: I was talking about The Boy.
BC: BEEEEEP!
MK: What?!?!
BC: BEEEEP!
MK: STOP BEEPING!
BC: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ...
{Bear sees Momma's look and continues ...}
BC: EEF! Where's the beef?
MK: The Boy's right. You were dropped on your head as a kitten!
BC: He said I was SPECIAL!
MK: Yes. Yes, you are.
BC: Why are you waiting for Dumbnuts?
MK: He's coming back to pick me up so we can play with the kittens up for adoption from the local rescue.
BC: WHAT?!?!?! Is this how you spend your weekends when you aren't home?!?! PLAYING WITH KITTENS?!?!? Is that what the dorky kids are doing these days? It's a slippery slope, you know. One day kittens, the next thing you know ... err ... err ...

MK: There are three tortie kittens!
BC: Err ... a massage a four?
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: That French thing!
MK: I have no idea!
BC: Threesomes!
MK: Menage a trois?
BC: YES! A menage a four! WITH TORTIES!!!
MK: Bear ... just Snickers by herself would hand you your butt on a platter.
BC: Don't distract from the issue at hand! You're spending weekends playing with kittens that aren't me!!! It's The Boy, isn't it? He wants to get rid of me and adopt a cat that likes him.
MK: You aren't going anywhere. Though he did joke about trading you in for a less bite-y model.
BC: I don't know how you two live with yourselves. Picking on a poor innocent sweet kitty cat!
MK: Snickers?
BC: NO!!! ME!!!

MK: But you're not ...
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! This has been a horrible, no good, VERY BAD day! 
MK: Ah. So that's why you knocked stuff off the counter.
BC: I didn't do it! But if I had, the events of this morning would be sufficient to justify it!
MK: Bear ...
BC: NO! You TRICKED ME!!! You and The Boy switched sides of the bed on purpose! I jumped up sure you were on the right. I let Dumbnuts pet me for TEN MINUTES before I realized HE was petting me. KITTY TRAUMA DRAMA!!!
MK: Was it really that bad?
BC: YES! NO!
{Pause}
BC: Is that a trick question?

MK: Bear ...
BC: He might think I LIKE him!!!

MK: You do.

BC: I DON'T! And besides, if he thinks I like him, he'll stop giving me chicken and bacon and french fries! PLUS, he'll start picking me up and trying to cuddle with me more than he already does! I DOUBLE DUMBNUTS DARE him to try!!!

MK: Bear, this morning wasn't so bad.
BC: NO! All I wanted was someone to get up to clean out my litter box! Phht. You shouldn't require reminding that I live here.
MK: As if we could ever forget.
BC: What's THAT supposed to mean? 
MK: Wait, wait, wait! You jumped in bed to be petted only because you wanted someone to get up and clean out your litter box?
BC: Err ... RATS!
MK: Sounds like you're the one well-versed in tricks.
BC: Phht. You thought those belly rubs and snuggles I accepted from you when I was homeless meant I LOVED you? Phht. Can you say ... MEAL TICKET?!?!

MK: Can you say ... YOU'RE GROUNDED?
BC: Can you say ... I HAD AN UNBURIED STINKY POOP THAT WAS IN MY LITTER BOX FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR?!?!?!
MK: Can you say ... COVER IT NEXT TIME?!?!?
BC: Can you say ... SINCE YOU WERE AWAKE, I FOLLOWED MY POOPETIQUETTE FLOW CHART!

MK: Can you say ... THE BOY AND I WEREN'T FEELING GOOD SO WE SLEPT IN?
BC: Can you say ... I HATE YOU!
MK: Can you say ... BITE ME!!!
BC: Can you say ... OKAY!

MK: OWWW! I REALLY hate when you do that.
BC: Can you say ... FALSE ADVERTISING?
MK: Can you say ... POT MEET KETTLE?!?!
BC: Can you say ... DON'T TELL ME TO BITE YOU IF YOU AREN'T OPEN FOR CHEW TOY BUSINESS?
MK: Can you say ... oh, never mind. It hurts when you bite me!
BC: Then I don't know why you ASK me to bite you!
MK: I don't! It's just a phrase!
BC: You humans with your stupid phrases! "Hit me." "Break a leg." "Bite me." You advertise that you're open for chew toy business and then get mad at me for giving you what you ask for! Hmph. Make up your mind, woman!
MK: STOP BITING ME!
BC: Then stop asking me to!
MK: You've got a point. Though the times I say, "bite me," are rare and you bite me anyway.
BC: Well, I never said I'd STOP biting you ... I just told you not to ASK me to bite you. My biting behavior is predetermined. I'll still bite you the same.

MK: Great. 
BC: False advertising should be your middle name. Like when you fed me wet food when I was homeless - so I thought you were cool with that ... and then you bring me inside and hand me a bowl of not-real-food!
MK: Give me a break! I tried to switch you over to all wet food and you pestered me until I gave you your kibble bowl back!
BC: Phht. Another stupid human phrase full of false advertising! "Give me a break." Until I GIVE you a break and then you get mad at me!

{Pause}
BC: More false advertising? Last weekend, you came home with a bag of kibble and cans of my wet food! I thought I won the chicken lottery! But NO! You put it all away! Crashing my delicate hopes and my proverbial dreams! Instead, I went to bed hungry and despondent.
MK: Did you forget where your food bowl is?
BC: NO!
MK: Then you had plenty to eat!
BC: But it wasn't the food you paraded through the house! All that crinkling and clinking that only means nummy goodness!
MK: Cry me a river.
BC: ANOTHER stupid phrase! You say cry me a river, but when I cry and complain you ignore me! 
MK: Bear ...
BC: And that's not even the worst of the false advertising!!! How many times have you walked in the bathroom and done something other than go potty?
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I hear you go in there and I bust my butt ... I run ... I EXERT myself to get there so I can watch the show! Only you're brushing your teeth or taking a shower! Eesh! There's not enough mind bleach in the world for seeing you without pants!!! 

{Pause}
BC: Another example of false advertising? EVERY TIME you walk into the kitchen! I jump up and come running thinking it's wet food treat time or regular treat time or wand toy time! But is it? NO!!! So I'm left sitting by the pantry forlornly ... my tummy rumbling.

MK: You could be thankful that I'm not grabbing you to brush your teeth. Your beauty implements are in that pantry too.
{Silence}
The Boy: {walking in the front door} Hi, Buddy!
BC: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG! {running under the bed} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: Is it something I said?
BC: {from under the bed} Isn't it always?! More false advertising!
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: We're not buddies!!!
{Bear saunters out}
MK: {seeing Bear} Is it really that bad?
BC: YES!
{Pause}
BC: {sigh}.
{Pause}
BC: No. I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bug.

The Boy: HEY! What am I? CHOPPED LIVER?!?!
BC: That could be arranged.
The Boy: Never mind.

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37 comments:

  1. Bear, your logic is ... fascinating. It makes your conversations totally unpredictable! I don't know how your momma keeps up :)

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  2. OK... so if the boy can be invisible, that means he can sneak in and make a mess. Mystery solved! Smooches to you Bear!

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  3. dood....ya noe therz a rool for falze ad vertizin.....ewe could sue yur mom and de boy
    then get all de tastee hole STEAKZ :) ya want !!!! noe false chcknz dood.... we dunno
    how ya call an a tern knee but we R prette sure ya can google one.....bye de way yur litter
    box plan iz bee yond awesum.....ewe could make signz like thiz N sell em and THEY wood KNOT
    bee con sidered false add vertizn !! :) ☺☺♥♥♥

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    Replies
    1. BRILLIANT! I could sell my signs and buy a tasty whole steak farm! Umm ... don't tell anyone I asked this ... but where exactly do steaks live? ~Bear Cat

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  4. A massage a four. MOL! Bear, we love your conversations with Momma Kat. They are always funny and entertaining to read. We remember the Poop Etiquette chart. Brilliant!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! We're so glad to make people laugh!

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  5. Another mind-blowing conversation with Bear. You must wear on your momma's last nerve some days. Mauricio does the same thing to our mom. Must be a boy cat things XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

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    Replies
    1. Just in general, boys are trouble ;) I know, I am one. ~Bear Cat

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  6. Haha, o manage to get from 2+2 = 16 in a flash don't you, Bear? Happy weekend.

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  7. Hey Bear, you can tell The Boy that being chopped liver is better that being Scratched Rump Roast Oh, that whole chicken over at Cody's place sure looked good!

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    Replies
    1. My shark is an expert in many different slices of meat ;)

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  8. Seriously Bear? Three torties? Do you think you can handle them? ;)

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    Replies
    1. No! But I'd LOVE to try! You only live nine times! ~Bear Cat

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  9. AMARULA: What are the chances your mom ain't gonna come home with a tortie kitten?? I better remain your fav tortie Bear (after Mudpie, of course!)

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    Replies
    1. Amarula, no other tortie could ever take your place. As you'll soon see ... she brought home a black kitty to be my sister! Jury's still out on that one! ~Bear Cat

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  10. Your poopetiquette flow chart is brilliant, Bear. Just saying. Yikes, did we just use "poop" and "flow" in the same sentence???

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    Replies
    1. Probably best not to do that again :) ~Bear Cat

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  11. You crack me up with your tortie obsession. You will be happy to know that the Crotchety Cougars have a tortie member now so you may want to sneak into a meeting.

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    Replies
    1. Oooooh! I have IDEAS! A cougar that's a tortie!!!?! HEY!!! ~Bear Cat

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  12. You are the King of Comebacks, Bear Cat, we're pretty sure no one could ever win an argument with you!

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    1. I'm the KING, period. Well, except for when I feel like being a male princess of course. ~Bear Cat

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  13. I am still laughing about the "threesome" er "foursome" with Torties!!! xoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

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    Replies
    1. My Momma liked that one too! We're glad because two of the three were adopted last weekend! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Great policy, Bear, if in doubt blame the aliens, then failing that the invisible boy. Failing that I'd be blaming the invisible aliens and then the invisible alien boy. Sure this is guaranteed to keep your peep guessing. Purrs, ERin
    PS I here that the Invisible Alien fraternity have a strong (unseen) union, so you might just have to have one come by to show an official non present 'presence' as it were. MOL

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    1. PPS Please ignore the typo 'here', that wasn't me but the invisible alien that nudged my paw!
      ERin

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    2. Those invisible aliens are especially insidious! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Your poop flow chart is nothing like I've ever seen before, Bear! Paw high five for that one! I hope you posted it to the refrigerator, above your litter box & on the headboard in the bedroom so MK & The Boy have to see it all the time. Invisible aliens - I've heard about them. I think they're some sore of zoms! Eek!

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    Replies
    1. Brilliant idea!!! I need to make copies! ~Bear Cat

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  16. Ya' know Bear, dat tellin' on yourself doesn't count ifin ya' haven't been read your rights and agreed ya' unnerstand 'em. It's da law!!! MOL There's no such thing as excited utterance from us kitties. We're way too smart fur dat. Sounds like you're gonna have a new sisfur sometime soon. Dat's a blessin' and a curse. Trust me. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  17. I didn't know that cats came in less bite-y models. I guess you better watch yourself, Bear!

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    Replies
    1. I know! Maybe they have fewer teeth?!?! I can't imagine having them and not using them! ~Bear Cat

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