Friday, April 28, 2017

Get ready to crumble

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Get ready to crumble:
{Bear Cat jumps on the bed and finds Momma's stuffed bear, Beary, on the bed}
BC: Excuse YOU, you mangy, filthy, fake-furred vermin! This is MY bed! MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE! And just in case you don't know, I DON'T SHARE!

{Pause}
BC: I see you cuddle with my Momma every night - IN MY SPOT on her chest! MY SPOT!!!! She can't give me two handed ear rubs when her arms are around you, furball! 
{Pause}
BC: Leave ... or you'll regret it! I've had it with your arrogance and smugness.

{Pause}
BC: Prepare to die! Mark my words. This is your last chance!
{Pause}
BC: Wipe that silly grin off your face! 

{Pause}
BC: You DIDN'T just go there! I was born like this ... what's YOUR excuse? A feeble mind? Figures. You were a present from The Boy to my Momma ... feeble minded like feeble minded.

{Pause}
BC: MY Momma! MY. That's M-Y. MINE!
{Pause}
BC: I'm going to rearrange your face, PUNK! Just TRY me! NO! I'm going to rearrange all your limbs and stuffing. This is your last chance! Move - or I'll take matters into my own paws! GET READY TO CRUMBLE! 

The Boy: {in the other room with Momma} He means "rumble," right? It's hilarious when he uses tough guy phrases and gets them wrong.
MK: SHHHHHHHH! This is getting good and I'm trying to listen in ...
The Boy: Hahahaha. Who needs cable?!?!
{Pause}
BC: I'm going to tell my Momma on you! This is your last chance!

The Boy: {in the other room with Momma} He sure gives a lot of last chances. Should we do something?
MK: Nah. He's a cat and has a need for a certain amount of indignant arrogant aggression. Better that his furry fury is directed toward the stuffed bear and not us.
The Boy: He's not REALLY going to beat the stuffing out of a stuffed animal, is he?
MK: No. He's just got to be Mr. Tough Pants and talk trash.
BC: That's the LAST straw! Prepare to ... 

{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
{THUNK}
BC: Owwwww.
MK: Uh oh.
The Boy: What? What happened?
BC: Thought you'd clock me, didn't you?

The Boy: The bear punched him?
MK: Nah. He probably charged and ran into the wall.
BC: That's IT! I've had it with your impertinence! You wouldn't dare to attack me a second time!
The Boy: Does he REALLY think a stuffed animal attacked ....
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH! Take that! And this!

{Momma walks into the bedroom where Bear is whacking the stuffed bear he knocked on the floor}


MK: That's enough, Bear.
BC: You always take HIS side!

MK: He didn't do anything to you! You have the bed to yourself!
BC: One more whack to teach this loser a lesson!

{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIII ...

{The phone rings}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

{Pause}
BC: {Running under the bed} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

{Pause}
BC: {from under the bed} I KNEW it! Beary is in with the Cob. They're coming for me. If anyone asks for Bear "The Jaws" Cat ... I'm not here!
MK: What?
The Boy: You mean a corn cob?
BC: {in a mocking voice} "You mean a corn cob?" Yeah, dumb nuts. Beary's in with the corn mob. Phht.
MK: Ah. Cob as in the cat mob?
BC: Is it state the obvious day again? The question is HOW Beary got in with the Cob. I've been trying to get in with them for eight of my lives! I've filled out application after application!
MK: Why would you want to be a member of the cat mob?
BC: Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?!?!
MK: I guess.
BC: The Cob launders tasty whole chickens. Everyone knows that. I want to be hired on so I can skim a little tasty whole chicken off the top. Surely they wouldn't notice if one chicken disappeared from the washer.
MK: Washer?
BC: LAUNDRY, Momma! They LAUNDER chickens! And you said cleaning a chicken was hard!
The Boy: This is insane. 
{Pause}
The Boy: Then again, what else would I expect coming from you? Crazy cat.
BC: Is there any other kind of cat?
The Boy: If you were part of the cat mob, your name would be Bear "THE FAT" Cat.
BC: You have a lot of room to talk!
MK: Wait a ... the Cob gets tasty whole chickens in exchange for their illegal activities?
The Boy: Don't encourage him!
BC: What's considered illegal is somewhat in the eye of the beholder, yes?
MK: I can't believe they wouldn't accept you given your portfolio! I mean, you extort food from The Boy every single day - in exchange for your liking him.
The Boy: WHAT?!?!?
MK: You only pose for pictures for me if treats are involved. You're always using your "muscle" to get what you want ...
BC: I KNOW! I even listed you as a reference! 
The Boy: What? I don't get to be a reference? You do some of your best work on me.
MK: Now who's encouraging him!?!?
BC: I have some messages for you, Beary!!! PAY ATTENTION! If you take over my bed again while I'm under here, I'm going to be REALLY mad. REALLY mad!
{Pause}
BC: And I'll tell my Momma on you!
MK: No one's fighting you, Bear.
BC: Don't fall for the stuffed bear's clueless look! He knows EXACTLY what he's doing!

BC: And one more thing, stupid bear ... if I ever catch you near my food bowl ... that'll be lights out for you! Just remember that. No one messes with my food and lives to tell about it once my Momma's done with them!
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: "Once my Momma's done with them!" Sounds like your Momma is more muscle than you, Fat Cat. Maybe SHE should apply for the Cob.
BC: Just saying. He can't say I didn't warn him.
The Boy: He's a STUFFED BEAR, Bear! He can't say you did either!
BC: {sending The Boy a dirty look} You're in cahoots with this rapscallion, aren't you? You feed him intelligence. Not that you HAVE any intelligence. I mean you feed him my whereabouts ... my strengths ... my weaknesses ... you probably even feed him more tasty chickens than you feed me! You should be ashamed of yourself! When I come out from under the bed, I'm going to have my Momma beat you up too!
The Boy: I don't hide behind my Momma like you do.
BC: I don't HIDE behind her ... I just stay where it's safe until she takes care of the threat.
The Boy: You were right, Bear. "Get ready to crumble" suits you well.
BC: WHO ASKED YOU?!?!?!
{Silence}

{Momma and The Boy leave Bear hiding under the bed in the bedroom and sit down in the family room}
BC: {starting to sing from under the bed} Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
MK: {from the other room} Not again.
The Boy: It's actually kind of funny. Hahahaha.
{The Boy notices the look on Momma's face}
The Boy: Err ...
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they torture you?
The Boy: You DO brush his teeth and clip his claws ...
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they won't share food with you?
MK: Oh, for the love ...
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they ignore you?
MK: {from the other room} That's it. You're GROUNDED, Bear!
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they're mean to you?
{Bear repeats the tune over and over again ... ♩ ♬ ♩ ♬}

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49 comments:

  1. Oh man, Bear, you almost had that stuffed-head! Your claws of doom were like RIGHT THERE! We're sure he's cowering now, wherever he is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's in protective custody. Apparently, my Momma thinks his life is in danger. ~Bear Cat

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  2. I am picturing a cat mob that launders tasty whole chickens. Watch out for that stuffed bear, Bear. He looks dangerous!

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    Replies
    1. Not as dangerous as laundering tasty whole chickens ;) ~Bear Cat

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  3. We imagine stuffed bears are quaking with fear everywhere because they talk. Yep, there's a whole society of stuffed bears with loose lips. We're sure you knew that, BC.

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    Replies
    1. Noooooooo. I need to infiltrate that club! I'm a bear, right? ~Bear Cat

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  4. Hey, maybe two bears are better than one!

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  5. BC, maybe the other bear would be a friend to you. Better be nice to that nice stuffed bear. Hope things get better for you BC.

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    Replies
    1. Brilliant. I can pit the stuffed bears against each other! Then they can fight and de-stuff each other! Two stuffed bears with one stone! ~Bear Cat

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  6. What a cute little bear....Bear!! He looks harmless enough but you best keep an eye on him. You just never know what a stuffy might do
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. He better not go anywhere near my girlfriend! ~Bear Cat

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  7. I know BC, these bears are dangerous. Keep up the fight. Kali and I know where you're coming from and will help in a pinch. We have our flying carpet ready to come down to the Island anytime you need a spare paw.

    Shoko

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    Replies
    1. I appreciate that Shoko! I need to get my paws on a flying carpet! Err ... it still works if you claw it once or twice, right? ~Bear Cat

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  8. Bear, what happens when you are grounded? It seems to us your most grievous misdeeds involve verbal assaults. Does your mom put duct tape over your mouth or gag you somehow? There was a kitty in our family a very long time ago, named Louise. She's an angel now. Anyhoo, mom had this bear that Louise thought was her cat mom. She would knead and droll on that bear for hours. It was always a sloppy mess. Okay, we got to go. Mom says it is time for dinner. Can't miss that! XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing happens when I'm grounded. My Momma just likes saying it because it gives her the feeling that she has some control over what I do. AS IF. Hmmm. Maybe I should try cuddling with the bear? Sweet Louise! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Bear, you could always pee on the bear. That is what my brats, I mean cats would do.

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... I AM already grounded ... so what can she do to me? ;) ~Bear Cat

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  10. Bear, we think you got the last word (or song lyric?) in this time! Even if it led to you getting grounded...pfftt...that's nothing!

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    Replies
    1. My Momma should be used to it by now! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Perhaps that bear just woke up from hibernation. Never good to tango with them when they've just woken up. Stay safe.

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    Replies
    1. I'm a REAL bear when my Momma wakes me up! ESPECIALLY if it's from her taking pictures of me. That camera's on my hit list too! ~Bear Cat

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  12. AMARULA: Thanks so much for your support about what I must endure with Zulu and Frodo Bear!! I will make you a deal-- you come over here and help me take care of my problem and I will help you with your stuffed bear situation! Love that you sniffed my photo!!

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    Replies
    1. pps and yes that is why the human keeps putting so many bells on me!! I am a neighborhood terror when it comes to birds and chipmunks!! I am now the laughing stock of the neighborhood!!

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    2. DEAL! Or we can just move in together and forget everything else ;) They don't appreciate us! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Beary was asking for it, Bear. You shoulda knocked the stuffin' outta him.

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  14. Well, it was certainly touch and go there for a minute, old Tough Pants! By the way, how is it under the bed? How about forming an alliance with Mr. Bear, just as we wish the two parties in our country would attempt to do?
    Fun story!!!

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm. If he can procure me tasty whole chickens, I'll consider it ;) ~Bear Cat

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  15. Whoa, Bear, you even looked a little fluffed in one of those photos. You had to show your super-tough side and look all mean and stuff! They don't call you Mr. Tough Pants for nothing.

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    Replies
    1. Did you see?!?! He was on the run!!! ~Bear Cat

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  16. Well Bear, we think you oughtta claw all da stuffin' outta dat stuffed Bear. It would make a nice fluffy place fur a nap after all. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  17. Just goes to show ya, no matter how cute, you just can't trust a stuffie!! xoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

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    Replies
    1. EXACTLY! And yet the humans keep them around! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Those stuffed bears are troublemakers, Bear Cat. You're right to keep him in check!

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    1. Bears are always sketchy! I know, because I am one! ~Bear Cat

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  19. MOL...You better send him back from where he came from, BearCat, those stuffies are not trustable...was his name Ted 1 or Ted 2 maybe? Pawkisses for a Happy Ending :) <3

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    1. EXACTLY! And yet the humans keep them around! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Oh my goodness...the Cob laundering chickens just might be your best idea yet, Bear!

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    1. I'd share with Mudpie and makes sure she's safe ;) ~Bear Cat

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  21. Oh my, beware the bear (teddy that is) as apparently they comes in threes! And what is it about peeps giving each other copies of deadly beasts? I don't see fluffy gift versions of a piranhas. MOL I think peeps need to just learn to love the beauty that is each other, and us cats.
    Purrs, Erin

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    Replies
    1. No, no. Beware the bear is pretty accurate. I know because I am one. Just saying ;) ~Bear Cat

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  22. Where do we get applications for the Cob?!?

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  23. Uh oh. Now I have "Bad Mommas, bad Mommas" stuck in my head. I've never heard of the Cob before, but that makes total sense that they launder tasty whole chickens.

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    Replies
    1. Bad Mommas is addictive isn't it? The Boy's just about had it with Momma singing that song ;)

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  24. GROUNDED??? Srsly? You think it was because of the earworm?

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    1. Phht. My Momma just likes to ground me because it makes her feel like she has some measure of control over my misbehavior. I just laugh ... because I do what I want! ~Bear Cat

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