Tuesday, February 7, 2017

The negotiation

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - The negotiation:
BC: Nope. Uh uh. Not even YOU are that stupid!
MK: People make mistakes, Bear.
BC: Mistakes? MISTAKES??!?! A MISTAKE is when you waved the FURminator around in disbelief at how much fur you harvested from my beauteous collection of Prime Grade A Super Fancy fur and whacked yourself in the head with the heavy metal head of the tool of torture.
MK: No one is perfect.
BC: "No one is perfect" applies to the time you stood on your desk chair to kill a bug on the ceiling and the chair tipped back and you did a slow TIIIIMMMM-BER! ... and then you tried the EXACT SAME THING a minute later with the same result. Though it WAS awfully funny ...
MK: But ...
BC: Or the time you were too lazy to get out of bed and tried to reach the phone that had fallen on the floor and you fell off the bed head first. The times you've whacked yourself in the face swinging around a cat toy. Walking into walls. 
MK: Okay, okay ... I never said I was graceful!
BC: Maybe it's just because I'm a cat ... I don't understand MISTAKES.
MK: Hmmm. Lounging on the kitchen table and rolling over to stretch and falling off the table?
BC: YOU DID THAT TOO?!?!?! WHERE WAS I? I could've made A LOT of money off that video! I could've bought TWENTY tasty whole chicken farms and a few duck farms and piggy banks too! I need a video taker thing ... I need to get this nonsense on film ... people would PAY to witness your ... umm ... uniqueness!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a .... WHY WERE YOU ON MY TABLE?
{Momma snickers a bit}
BC: RATS! I didn't mean too as in implying that I had ... oh ... RATS!
MK: No so perfect yourself, huh? The plastic bag incident? The jar of peanut butter?  The toaster? 
BC: HEY! I was ATTACKED!!! The plastic bag and the jar of peanut butter and the toaster had it out for me! They were trying to EAT ME!!!
MK: I'm sorry. WHO stuck his paw in the toaster?
BC: Well, yeah! I wanted to make you come running! I didn't expect the jaws of the toaster to close over my precious paw! I've seen the enemy ... and it's a toaster!!!
MK: And you're lucky I did come running, otherwise you and the toaster would've gone barreling off the kitchen counter. The toaster didn't close over your paw ... you didn't retract your claws and they got caught on the metal wires inside when you tried to pull your paw out. And how did you get your BACK LEG stuck in the peanut butter? I was WATCHING and even I don't know how you managed that. Then you clunked around like you had a wooden leg. You're lucky I grabbed you before you fell off the table.
BC: I was sniffing the jar for infidels ... I sensed ... NUTTINESS ... be grateful I protect you from unsavory characters.
MK: And the plastic bag? You were sniffing around for "infidels" amongst the groceries, got scared at the sound of the refrigerator closing, pulled back quickly with the handle of the bag around you, became more frightened, got the handle wrapped around your body and then took off with the bag breaking and the groceries flying out of the plastic bag.

BC: You wouldn't understand! All these things try to eat me because I'm tasty!!!
MK: The times the phone rang, you startled, and you skittered off the end of the table? The back of the couch with thunder? You even fell out of your cat tree once! OH! And don't even get me started on that bird that used to entertain itself by landing on the ledge outside the window and squawking at you ... making you fall out of the window.
BC: HEY! Birds are part of the axis of evil ... along with vacuums and bunnies and boys and toasters. But my unfortunate events ... NOT mistakes, as cats don't make mistakes ... didn't make you sob and be extra grabby!
MK: I'm sorry ... what about the day you played, "I'm the shark" and kept biting any part of me that wasn't on the desk chair? 

MK: Or any of the other times you bit me? Those REALLY hurt!

BC: Respect that cat. If I bit you, you deserved it.
MK: HOW? I was SLEEPING several of those times!
BC: You are human, correct?
MK: Yes.
BC: Yep. You deserved it.
{The phone rings}
BC: If it's for me ... tell them I'm not here.
MK: {into the phone} Yeah. He wants a tasty whole chicken.
{Pause}
MK: I don't know! I hear they can whole chickens ... just pick up one of those!
BC: THAT CAN BETTER SAY "TASTY" ON THE OUTSIDE OTHERWISE THE DEAL IS OFF!
MK: {to Bear} I thought you said you weren't home! 
BC: You've reached Bear Cat. I'm not home. THAT CAN BETTER SAY "TASTY" ON THE OUTSIDE OTHERWISE THE DEAL IS OFF! BEEP!
MK: {sigh} {into the phone} It's either that or he'll pee in your shoe.
BC: NO! I said I'd PEE in one shoe and BARF in the other.
MK: He's not REALLY a tyrant ... I mean he's pretty cute ...
BC: YEAH! TAKE THAT, BOY!!!
MK: ... sometimes.
BC: HEY!
MK: I mean, he DOES have a point ... things were a little dicey for him there for awhile.
BC: NO! I have TWENTY TWO POINTS to be exact!
MK: I don't ...
BC: Impromptu cuddles!!! Tears! I saw it all! A cat never recovers from that! My brand suffered! I'm trauma ... trauma ... -tated! Yeah! I'm trauma-tated!!!
MK: I'm not really taking his side ... I mean ...
BC: She's taking my side! She's taking my side! BOO-YAH, LOSER! She's MY Momma!!! MINEMINEMINE!!!
MK: No, I don't ENCOURAGE him!
BC: Encourage me, encourage me!!!
MK: {giggling}.
BC: WHAT?!?! What's so funny? What'd he say? What'd he say?
MK: {setting the phone on the floor next to Bear} He wants to talk to you.
BC: HElllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllO?
{Pause}
BC: {pawing the phone} Wait a ... WHERE IS HE?!?!?
MK: On the phone!
BC: There's nothing ON the phone!
MK: OVER the phone.
BC: The Boy looks different! He's a lot ... SMALLER than I remember! Holy cat crap! When you said he'd regret what he did, I didn't know you meant you'd turn him into a phone handset!
{Pause as Bear walks around and admires the phone}
BC: I like him better this way!
{Pause}
BC: What happens if I press this "OFF" ... oops. He stopped talking! Where's YOUR "OFF" button? Because sometimes ...
{The phone rings}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear runs under the bed}
MK: It's for you!
BC: Nope. NOT coming out! I don't know what voodoo you do, but KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! I don't want to turn into a toaster! Noooo ... that's why the toaster tried to eat me! You turned Kitty into a toaster!
MK: Don't be ridiculous. I already have a toaster. Though I DO need a blender.
BC: WHAT?!?!?! Wait a ... would I get tasty whole chickens to blend? Because I might actually ...
The phone: HELLO? HELLLLO?!!?
BC: I'm still not coming out.
MK: Well, yeah. Okay. I'll put you on speakerphone.
BC: Do you mind? This is a private conversation!
MK: You have it on speakerphone!
BC: Then don't listen! You act like it's SO hard not to listen! I never listen to you!
{Indiscriminate mumbling ... ten minutes pass}
BC: HAHAHAHAHA! It was HILARIOUS! 
MK: Wait a ...
BC: Did I tell you about the time she ...
MK: OKAY! THAT'S ENOUGH!
BC: Hey! I wasn't done telling him what you did yesterday!
MK: It sounds like you have things worked out.
BC: I'm not at liberty to divulge the details. CONFIDENTIAL.
MK: {into the phone} If a LIVE tasty whole chicken shows up at my front door ... the three of you can go find another place to roost...
{Pause}
MK: Let me rephrase that ... if ANY PART of a chicken or waterfowl or farm animal ... or any LIFE STAGE of any of the above show up ...
BC: I TOLD YOU the aquarium was okay!!! We just need to find one big enough for the whale. Though we'll have to rethink the ducks!
MK: NO NO NO NO NO! No animals!
BC: But he said I could have a ...
The phone: HELLO? HELLLLO?!!?
BC: Oh, by the way, he promised to pet me and not talk. You're fired.
MK: I thought you said the details were confidential.
BC: RATS! I just really wanted to say "you're fired!" I mean, now I can be president, right?
MK: {into the phone} What EXACTLY did you promise him?
BC: {pawing the "OFF" button} Hehehehehehehehe. I LIKE this game.
MK: I KNEW you couldn't be trusted!!!
BC: Well, if you're going to let the Boy come back ... I might as well get something out of it!
MK: You're grounded.
BC: {coming out from under the bed to saunter off} Hehehehehe. Still totally worth it!

Featured posts of the day:

38 comments:

  1. Cute pics! I love biting my mum too :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sounds like your table manners are being questioned a bit Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Rosie here ...and you are absolutely right, we cats do not make mistakes, even when playing shark - because sharks bite and if we are playing a shark, then we must be authentic and bite.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Uh, Bear...you got your back leg stuck in the peanut butter??? You've really got to be careful when you're doing your own stunts!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aw those are really fun, sweet pictures. Watch it Bear, she's got ya on camera! (Love the one where she's scratching yer tummy...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One of these days, that stupid camera is going to end up in my water bowl ... or the toilet! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. Eddy sure is glad to know she's not the only kitty to have a run-in with a monstrous plastic bag, Bear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are SCARY and attack with absolutely no provocation!! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Without you, BC, we would never have known just dangerous the toaster is to us felines. This is a great public service. PS: our mom is just as graceless, truly. She's always walking into things, dropping things, whatever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least they keep us entertained, right? ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. Hi Bear, sounds like you'll have one heck of a food delivery, if it all makes it through the door that is. Now as to cooking whales, I hear the best way is to have them lightly sauteed in a light cream and Niptini sauce with sprig of parsley and a clove of garlic, to cover up the fishy smell. Purrs ERin
    PS, Apparently I may have offended some marine biologists, for which I apologise, and have duly amended the recipe to omit the garlic!
    PPS. Oh Whelks! Sorry, peep got confused there, easily done and cant expect too much, poor thing doesn't know a sprat from a Noilly Prat. Mouses!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cook whales? How could I have missed that?!?!? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. I liked it better when you were talking about her mistakes. I never have a video thing when I need it either. Bet you've never latched your teeth around her eyeball? It's fun.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... now I have something to do tonight!!! ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. If you are playing an authentic shark...you definitely need that shark bite! ;p

    You are a character Bear and you sure know how to keep your Mama on her toes! :D

    the critters in the cottage xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bear, we're thinking you should set up a hidden camera to record all these things for posterity!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooooh. I LOVE that one! Tasty whole chicken farm ... here I come!!! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. We believe you bear!! We know they are all against you --especially the toaster!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suspect the toaster is the ringleader ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  13. Hey Bear...you've heard that saying...don't bite the hand that feeds you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sounds like you both have a lot on each other, better have a truce :) No videos allowed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A truce? What fun is that? I must win! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  15. Bear, DUDE ... those plastic bag things are scary! Watch out!

    ReplyDelete
  16. You're handsome, Bear ! Don't bite the hand that feeds you too often... Purrs

    ReplyDelete
  17. Sam agrees with The Swiss Cats...it's not good biting the hand that feeds you. ❤︎ Better to redecorate instead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The problem is that I've already redecorated as much as I can! I need a blank slate! Like my Momma's hand ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  18. So Bear, should we add a video camera to your wish list? You know, that could backfire and your momma may end up with more blackmail worthy videos of YOU! Gasp!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooooh ... yes ... I LIKE that idea! And only I know the password! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  19. Bear...the answer is YES...you can be president. The sooner the better, please! Purrs from Deb and the Zee/Zoey gang!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like that! I'm strong on defense and don't suffer fools lightly! ~Bear Cat

      Delete