Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Momma's resolutions

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Momma's resolutions:

BC: Here's your list of New Year's resolutions.

MK: What?
BC: You humans like to make resolutions for the New Year.
MK: Okay.
BC: Here's yours.
MK: That's not how it works, Bear. A person makes her own ... for self-betterment.
BC: Well, THAT makes no sense! I'm the one that has to live with you! I think I know better what you need to change than anyone!
MK: Oddly, you have a bit of a point.
BC: Technically, if you count all my claws and my fangs, I actually have twenty-two points. Point. Game. Set. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd MATCH!
MK: Yes, I'm INTIMATELY acquainted with your twenty-two points. But still. Resolutions are for self improvement.
BC: Well, do you have any resolutions?
MK: No.
BC: BOOM! Now you do! I saved you from having to think about it. And let's face it ... you have LOTS and LOTS and LOTS ...
MK: Yes, Bear. I get it. I have lots of room for improvement.
BC: You said it, not me!
MK: {sigh} Not quite. But anyway ... let me see this list. Number one. I won't be a mean Momma?

BC: Yeah. That's a good one.
MK: How am I mean to you?
BC: I think the question should be how are you NOT mean to me?
MK: Can you provide a little more guidance here?
BC: Are you lost in our house again? Because we've lived here an AWFUL long ...
MK: NO! I meant guidance on how I can be less mean.
BC: DON'T BE YOURSELF!
MK: {sigh} Specifically, how am I mean to you?
BC: Let's see. You poke and prod me with a toothbrush. You sever my furry fury. You contaminate my chin furs. You shove me in a tiny box, put me on your broom, and take me to the place of suffering, agony, and endless ordeals. You don't let me outside to commune with nature. You let that ugly dog out of the closet JUST to torment me. OH! OH! And you flail around like a constipated caterpillar and howl like a messed up mutant hybrid of an owl and a ding-bat. Wait ... no. DINGO. Though ding-bat is appropriate as well.

MK: How about we un-dramatize these?
BC: SEE! You invalidate my feelings!
MK: Okay, okay. "You poke and prod me with a toothbrush." You want me to stop brushing your teeth.
BC: No. I want you to stick the toothbrush up your butt and do the hula. OF COURSE, I want you to stop brushing my teeth! That's why I hide in my cat tree corner where you can't reach me!!!


MK: Bear, if I didn't brush your teeth every day, you'd have lost them all by now.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
MK: "You sever my furry fury." Meaning I clip your claws?
BC: No. Meaning you refuse to let me play powder puff football. OF COURSE, I mean clipping my claws.
MK: If I didn't clip your claws, I'd be in a lot of pain.
BC: EXACTLY! And I'd get my way more!
MK: {sigh} "You contaminate my chin furs." Meaning I wash your face with the acne pads. Because you have ACNE.
BC: No. Meaning you give me facials! OF COURSE ...
MK: Bear, stop with the sarcasm.
BC: Then you stop with the sarcasm.
MK: I'm not being sarcastic.
BC: RATS!
MK: This one is my personal favorite,"You shove me in a tiny box, put me on your broom, and take me to the place of suffering, agony, and endless ordeals." I put you in the carrier and fly ... err ... drive you to the vet.
BC: No. You ... {seeing Momma's look} ... yes.
MK: Going to the vet keeps you healthy.
BC: Well, THAT'S debatable! He tells you to starvatate me!
MK: Starvatate?
BC: You want me to waste away to nothing! I'm ALMOST THERE! LOOK!

MK: Ah. He jokes that you aren't missing any meals.
BC: I'm starvatating, Momma! How can I be healthy if I'm starvatating?
MK: Where did you even get the word starvatating?
BC: De Nile just ain't de river in Egypt you know!
MK: You are such an odd duck.
BC: I'm not an odd duck! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT QUACKS around here!
MK: I do not quack.
BC: Well, not loud enough for anyone to hear ...
MK: That makes NO ... never mind. "You don't let me outside to commune with nature." Ummm ... maybe that's for your safety? Oh. And because you're terrified of everything that moves outside. 
BC: I'm not scared of you!
MK: Which is why I sever your furry fury.
BC: And then you let the ugly dog out to torment me!

MK: Bear, you spend the entire time UNDER THE BED. How is that TORMENTING you? It's not like you CONFRONT the vacuum or anything.

BC: I'm not stupid! It's trying to EAT me. {GASP} That's why you try to fatten me up!
MK: Wait ... wait ... I thought I was STARVATATING you?
BC: That too!
MK: Note to self .... don't try to make sense of what the cat says.
BC: Just because you're not intelligent enough to understand what I'm saying doesn't mean that I'm not making sense!
MK: {sigh} Flail around like a constipated caterpillar and howl like a ... like a ...
BC: ... a messed up mutant hybrid of an owl and a dingo. Your "dancing" and "singing." 
MK: BEAR! 
BC: Hey, the truth hurts!
MK: Fine. So number two. "I'll love Bear more {than doughnuts and KitKats}."

BC: That's a good one!
MK: Give me a little more guidance ...
BC: Are you lost AGAIN?
MK: {sigh} No. I mean how could I love you more? Because I don't think that's possible, Bear.
BC: Yes. It is. I could have more treats. AND more wet food. And no empty food bowl.
MK: The way I could love you more is by giving you more treats?
BC: No. You could add roses to my litter box. YES, I want more treats! I haven't had treats since I was a kitten! And I'm a growing boy!
MK: Bear, you're almost eleven. I'm pretty sure your growth stage ended nine years ago. And you had treats a few weeks ago.
BC: So you admit to the problem!
MK: You still get your wet food treat every day.
BC: Are you really that dumb or do you just play dumb? No, no. Don't answer that. Rhetorical question.

MK: Bear, you food bowl is NEVER empty!
BC: Is too! ALL THE TIME! I'm always on the edge of starvatating!
MK: Like when you were a homeless kitten?
BC: Well, I don't mean starvatating THAT badly ...
{Pause}
BC: But it's pretty close! My food bowl is empty RIGHT NOW! SEE!
BC: AND you take my food bowl away some times!

MK: YEAH! Because you chow down on kibble that you have twenty-four/seven! And then you barf! Usually STRATEGICALLY close to where I'm sleeping!
BC: I leave you presents!
MK: You're ridiculous! 

BC: Am not!
MK: {sigh} Okay ... number three ... "I won't mistreat my cute little kitty cat."

BC: Mmmm hmmm ... that's a good one.
MK: You've said that about every single one!
BC: That's because they're ALL good ones, Momma! Geez! I mean, I wrote them!
MK: ANYWAY. How do I mistreat you that we haven't already covered?
BC: I am tasty whole chicken-less. I require a second desk chair.
MK: That might not be a bad idea. Then we can each have our own.

BC: Yeah. The sharing thing doesn't work for me ... you've had too many doughnuts!



BC: Phht. Each our own chair ... I don't know WHAT you're talking about! I just want a second chair so I can stretch out!


MK: Right. Poor you. Not only monopolizing MY desk chair ... but then not having room to spread out!
BC: EXACTLY!
MK: Now I'm being sarcastic.
BC: Oh. Well, it was the truth.
MK: Never mind.
BC: You also mistreat me by involving boys in your life.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: First, you ignore me to talk to HIM ... then all that GIGGLING ... SO annoying! Then the boy leaves and you're all like, "BEAR! I'm sad. I NEED a hug!" Oh, and who can forget the thousand pictures of me you take to make yourself feel better. Like I didn't TELL you that would happen. NO MORE BOYS!!!




BC: Which reminds me of something else ... you mistreat me by not petting me whenever I want! And NOT petting me when I don't!
MK: Bear, sometimes I have to sleep.
BC: Sheesh! Like it hurts you to wake up and pet me for five minutes every couple hours! But don't forget, NOT PETTING ME WHEN I DON'T WANT TO BE PETTED! Like when I'm sleeping. Or in my cat tree. Or when I'm staring at you from my spot on the kitchen table. 



MK: {sigh} Now what's this about a "cute little kitty cat?"
BC: Well, I mean, it's kind of self explanatory. 

MK: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BC: What's so funny?
MK: Let's see ... we have Mr. Bitey Pants ...

BC: A cat bites a person ONE time ....
MK: Ummmm ....


BC: Well, I don't see ...
MK: Then we have Mr. Destroy Everything Pants.

BC: Phht. Big deal.  A little carpet. A little furniture. A few blinds.
MK: A comforter ... a desk chair ...


BC: Ummm ...
MK: Then we have Mr. Counter Cruiser ...
BC: SHEESH! A cat gets on a counter ONE time to try to get his ...



BC: WHAT IS THIS? NATIONAL "I HATE BEAR CAT DAY?!?!?!"
MK: You have a point.
BC: THANK YOU!
MK: I'm thinking we should be talking more about YOUR resolutions than mine.
BC: WHAT?!?!?
MK: Remember these?


BC: HEY! We're talking about you!!! Back to 
number three ... "I won't mistreat my cute little kitty cat."
MK: Let's see ... I could do with less biting ... less destruction ...
BC: You've reached Bear Cat ... I HATE YOU!
MK: Good point. We could do with less of that too.
BC: SEE! You're mean! I always get in trouble!
MK: Ummm ... and WHY is that?
{Silence}
BC: You've reached Bear Cat ... I HATE YOU!


Featured posts of the day:

24 comments:

  1. It appears that resolutions are in the eye of the beholder, eh Bear Cat? :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. AMARULA: You poor baby! We totally understand the toothbrush thing--the human uses it against us despite my hissing and constant attempts to hide it in the litter box!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SCORE! Usually I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole, but I could make an exception if I'm dropping it in my litter box. I've tried the toilet ... but it's not entirely easy to run with speed with a toothbrush in your mouth! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  3. If you ask me, I think you're onto somethin' there. We cats should write New Year's Resolutions for ALL the peeps. They'd have way better ones then, for sure. MOUSES!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They never listen to us though! They think they know everything ... and they most certainly DO NOT. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  4. Ha...you should be a dog to find out what real torture is all about, Bear! Imagine, they have to go to the bathroom outside. In the cold. 😱The horror of it all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cold paws! That's brutal! I'm also an only child ... so I have that going for me too. I used to be a pipsqueak younger brother so I feel Sam's pain! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. You do lead a rough life, Bear! I think I read somewhere that right around this time is a national day for cats to give their humans a performance review... --Mudpie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooooh. I couldn't limit myself to one day a year. She's lucky if I WITHHOLD my feedback one day a year ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. Bear, we can't believe the things you have to put up with. Have you contacted the ASPCA yet?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Bear I am laughing my head off. Mom LOVES those signs! I have to tell ya Bear, YOU get to "free feed" during the day, NOT ME...I get my kibble rationed !!! My wet food too! Love, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma's considering rationing my kibble ... she thinks I'm too ... err ... "big boned." Hmmm. I just say there's more of me to love! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. What an excellent idea, Bear. All of us kittehs should write out that resolution list for our hoomins.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did I mention my great ideas usually get me grounded? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. We think you two may need some couples counseling to work on this love/hate relationship you two have with each other. Some really amazing photos here! XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Yes, I believe my Momma needs therapy ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. Another resolution should be to work on printing- she prints like a cat :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bear, I think your momma already meets all of your resolutions! So she's done and done for 2017!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Love it!

    You two are so funny together :)

    Happy New Year!
    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Hearing that makes our day! ~Bear Cat

      Delete