Monday, February 13, 2017

The cat-ocalypse

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - The cat-ocalypse:
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: THE END IS NEAR!!!! THE END IS NEAR!!!

BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{CRASH!!!!}
{THUNK}
{SKITTERING CLAWS}
{THUMP}

BC: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!
{CRASH!!!!}
{THUNK}
{SKITTERING CLAWS}
{THUMP}

BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THEY'RE AFTER ME! THEY'RE AFTER ME! I'M GOING TO DIE! I'M GOING TO ... OOF!
{Pause}
BC: Oh. Hi, Momma.

MK: You ran into my leg. 
BC: Well, I mean ... I know I was running like my tail's on fire ... OH CRAP! MY TAIL'S ON FIRE!!!

BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MK: BEAR!
BC: {stopping} What?

MK: Your tail IS NOT on fire.
BC: Why would my tail be on fire?
MK: What have you been doing?
BC: Can't we keep on ONE topic, here?
MK: Why is the world ending?
BC: Oh, THAT. Well, the cat's holy book, "Holey: Fangs, claws and meows," gives nine signs of the end of the world. NINE SIGNS, Momma. One for each of a cat's lives. And they're HAPPENING! 
MK: Okay ...
BC: Sign one ... the smelly poop to end all smelly poops. Holy cat crap! I could barely stand to stay in my litter box to finish pooping!
MK: Okay.
BC: Sign two ... our butts being touched.
MK: Umm ... noooo. 
BC: I wasn't finished! Sign three ... they come for our fur. Sign four ... they baptize us in foul tasting water. Sign five ... they pry our mouths open to rip our teeth out one-by-one.
MK: BEAR!
BC: What now?
MK: After you pooped, you jumped on my lap and I decided to use the opportunity to do your beauty routine.
BC: I was hanging upside down!!! 
MK: Well, yes, I noticed you had a glob of smelly poop still on your butt and I didn't want it to get smeared on me as I was taking care of you so I grabbed a wipe to wash it off.
BC: Everything's about YOU! YOU TOUCHED MY UNMENTIONABLES!
MK: I wiped your butt, Bear. It took less than a minute.
BC: {GASP} Unmentionables aren't made mentionable by mentioning them, Momma!
MK: {sigh} And then I brushed you ... washed your chin with the acne pad ... and brushed your teeth. It's not the end of the world, Bear. This happens every day.
BC: Maybe it's not the end of the WORLD to YOU! But I feel violated! And abused! And mistreated! Maltreated! Man ... err ... Momma-handled! Mishandled! Misused! Tortured! Tormented! Ill-treated! Ill -used! WRONGED! You touched my unmentionables! And stole my fur! And ... and ... {shudders} I'm too traumatized to even remember everything!
MK: What are the last four signs?
BC: What signs?
MK: YOUR signs!
BC: Which ones? I've made A LOT of signs!













MK: {sigh} You present a good point. I should keep the paper and pens out of your reach.
BC: Hmmm ... that's NOT one of the signs of the kitty apocalypse ... the cat-ocalypse.
MK: Wouldn't a cat-ocalypse be an apocalypse brought on by cats?
BC: If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
MK: Okay, okay. But what about the last four signs of your catocalypse?
BC: Sign six ... we get tasty whole chickens. 
MK: You don't have a tasty whole chicken!
BC: You just HAVE to rub it in, don't you?
MK: No, I just meant ...
BC: The Boy brought home a tasty chicken the other night! He just didn't let me have any! But I think it still counts. Even if it wasn't whole.
MK: It was fried chicken!
BC: It counts, Momma.
MK: That explains why you sat there looking at the chicken as if it was the kitty messiah.
BC: What do YOU know about Rufus?
MK: Rufus?
BC: The kitty messiah! He has thumbs! And HE comes after the ninth sign to usher in the cat-ocalypse.
MK: {sigh} Okay. The seventh sign?
BC: We lose our tables!
MK: What? 
BC: My table's gone!!! I can't sit there anymore and stare at you while you work JUST to annoy you! I tell you! It's the end of the world!!!
MK: Ah. Yes, it became The Boy's desk in the other room.
MK: But I gave you a chair!

BC: It's not the same!!! It ruins EVERYTHING!!! And you didn't even ASK me!
MK: Bear, can The Boy use your table as his desk?
BC: NO!
MK: Okay.
BC: So I get my table back?
MK: No. But now you can't say I didn't ask you.
BC: I HATE YOU!!!
MK: Ooookay. I'll leave you alone.
{Momma walks out of the room and squeals from another room}
BC: What the ...
MK: Oh my gosh! Thank you! This is the best gift ...
BC: {walking into the room} {GASP!} WHAT IS THAT?!?!?
MK: The Boy got me a teddy bear for Valentine's Day! And this really sweet card!
BC: Excuse you while I BARF a little.
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} IT'S THE EIGHTH SIGN!!!! Cats will be replaced!
The Boy: Well, I thought since she likes bears ...
BC: Excuse you ... WHO ASKED YOU?
The Boy: I didn't mean it like ...
BC: Are you STILL here?
The Boy: Well, I mean I live here now, so ...
BC: You just HAVE to rub it in, don't you? First you take my table! Then you bring home a tasty chicken and don't let me have any! And THEN you try to replace me with this ... this ... charlatan! This ... this ... inferior piece of ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a minute ... does he have stuffing?
MK: Oh, no, you don't!
BC: {sniffing around} It's Gary!!!
MK: Excuse me?
BC: You're excused. 
MK: No, I meant Gary who?
BC: My alien! That bear is Gary in disguise!
MK: Oh, for the love ...
The Boy: Who's Gary?
BC: My Momma didn't tell you about Gary?
The Boy: WHAT!?!?!?
BC: He's lived here for about six months.
The Boy: There better be a good explanation ...
MK: Gary is the made up alien Bear blames all his messes on.
BC: He's NOT made up! You've seen the messes Momma, that means Gary and Larry must be real.
The Boy: Wait, wait, wait ... Larry? Who's Larry?
BC: Not a real bright one are you?
MK: BEAR!
BC: Do de do ...
MK: HEY!
BC: Who me? I mean there are TWO Bears around here now so you should be more specific.
MK: You're grounded.
BC: It's my birthday! You can't ground me on my BIRTHDAY!
MK: Uh oh.
BC: You FORGOT!
{Pause}
BC: AGAIN! I should be eleven, but with the number of times you've forgotten my birthday, I'm still a kitten!
MK: That's not entirely fair, Bear. We don't know exactly when you were born. I just adopted you on October twelfth and the vet estimated you were about eight months old ... so we don't really know.
BC: THE NINTH SIGN! Humans forgetting our birthdays!
MK: Oh for the love ...
BC: It's over. I'm toast! I'm cat-caked! I'm doughnuted! {GASP} You're snuggling Gary like you do me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BC: I hate BOTH of you!!! 
MK: You hate the bear?
BC: No. Well, yes. I was speaking of you and The Boy ... but the bear makes three. I hate all three of you!
The Boy: Bear-Bear! Let me pet you! Bear-Bear! Here Bear-Bear!!
MK: Come here, Bear! I want to pet you!
BC: {looking between The Boy and Momma} These IDIOTS are my choices? 
{Pause}
BC: I'M SCREWED!!!! It's the end of the world!

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37 comments:

  1. You have a very complicated life, Bear. It sounds absolutely exhausting!

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  2. HI Bear, seems like you have a great opportunity for extra cuddles, what with another Bear in the house, and a Boy peep too, both beginning with 'B'. Maybe you could do a deal with the boy, in exchange for getting your table back? Purrs, Erin
    PS Very Happy Bearthday to you Bear, I hope you get double, nay treble the presents now there are three of them....

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    Replies
    1. I should ... and I didn't! Someone's going to pay for this! ~Bear Cat

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  3. Hmmm, we get chick-hen every day and our Mom touched our sister's... um, backside this morning. When should we become alarmed, Bear?

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    Replies
    1. Chicken? EVERY DAY?!?! I'm moving into your house!!! ~Bear Cat

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  4. We believe you! We are sure Garry and Larry are real!! Sometimes they even come to our house and do bad stuff like scratch the couch!!

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    Replies
    1. Unfortunately that's one thing I haven't been able to blame on Gary and Larry because I like scratching the couch right in front of my Momma's face too much ;) ~Bear Cat

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  5. Oh dear, now you have Larry, Gary the teddy bear, and the Boy to keep track of? You'll have your hands full, Bear, but since you're a master, we have faith that you'll come out on top! Oh, and my furry ones are asking where they can get some of those shirts for this humans of theirs to wear...

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    Replies
    1. Of course, by hands full, I mean paws full. Forgive me, my human brain can only handle so much.

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    2. It took me FOREVER to make all those signs by paw! It's so unfair that us cats were blessed with superior intellect ... but no thumbs! ~Bear Cat

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  6. I hope your Momma hides that bear or he is going to end up like the comforter. That was nice of her to clean your butt- you wouldn't want to lick that. :)

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    Replies
    1. Hmph. MAYBE. Don't worry ... that bear is on my HIT LIST!!! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Bear, I think you would find life at our house much more quiet and less exhausting. Although my Mommy has been known to wipe kitty butts too. (Not mine, mind you.) --Your favorite tortie

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  8. Tiagra Bear? Do you have erect tail dysfunction pal? Oh yes, the end is near....down by the tail!

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    Replies
    1. I have to admit ... since seeing Simon's tail, mine's looking pretty meager! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Now you have the girls here wondering what would happen if they were to take Tiagra!

    Bear, that stuffed bear looks as though it needs a good destuffing...we suggest you get to work;p

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    Replies
    1. Working on it. He's at the very top of my hit list ... ~Bear Cat

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  10. Bear, you are just one busy young man cat. Wow, we are exhausted just from reading about all your activities. We think the stuffed bear is cute though. Take care.

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    Replies
    1. A cat's work is never done ... especially with a boy around! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Oh, you are so right about not mentioning the unmentionables! PS, our Mom thinks the stuffie bear is very cute.

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    Replies
    1. What is it with the human women? Give them a stuffie and they go all soft and giggly. SHEESH! I'm MUCH cuter! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Bear, we have to say you are the most expert sign maker we have ever seen. You should sell some of them. :)

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    Replies
    1. For my tasty whole chicken farm!!! BRILLIANT! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Happy Birthday Bear! You really need to tone down the drama queen. You could get a reputation that you'll have to live up to.

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    Replies
    1. A reputation? You mean as a tough guy, right? The mancat who puts him paw down and sinks his fangs into human flesh. Yep. That's me! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Bear...you totally crack us up. Nonetheless...Happy Birthday and Happy Valentine's Day to you and your momma. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy

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    Replies
    1. I love to hear that! Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, too! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Oh Bear, we're sorry da boy be back. With all our purroblems we must'a missed somethin', cuz we thought your mommy was movin' on. We're 'specially sorry dat he moved in. Ain't nuffin' worse than dat so soon. We do hope this time goes better fur your mommy. We've got our paws crossed. We wish you a happy birthday and hope your day is filled with luv and extra cuddles. We're sendin' lots of hugs.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. It was all very sudden ... but I haven't seen my Momma this happy in a long time. And if he hurts my Momma, he better run REALLY fast! ~Bear Cat

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  16. Wow, lots of changes going on there, Bear! I hope you can survive! Or, I hope the humans can survive what you're likely to put them through! :-) Now that you're older and wiser, maybe you'll tone it back a bit, but I doubt it! Happy belated birthday!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Of course I'll survive! Hmph. Feel sorry for the other people. Worst case? I'm under the bed! ;) ~Bear Cat

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  17. Bear dude, surely it's not the end of the wurld, surely not, I've got another huge adventure planned and the Cat-Ocolypse would just get in the way, can mew have a quiet wurd to Rufus if mew see him and tell him that later in the year is better? MOL Oh and mew weren't the only one to have a cuddly toy pop up on Tuesday, I do believe there is some great conspiracy at wurk, we should defo confur more about this phenonomanom-nom but obviously in private! MOL

    Bestest purrs

    Basil & Co xox

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    Replies
    1. Great plan! If the cat-ocalypse MUST happen, surely they can wait until after my wet food treat time, right? ~Bear Cat

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