Friday, February 17, 2017

The Dread Drop

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - The Dread Drop:
BC: {to the tune of the James Bond theme song} DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUH DA da de da.

MK: {lifting up the towel Bear's hiding under} Hey, Bear.

BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: How do you know my name? Oh, woe! I've been identified and captured! I'm going to be tortured! They're going to declaw me one claw at a time! And make me listen to my Momma singing! Oh, the indignity! I'll have to watch her "dance" too! I've seen enough of the constipated caterpillar. I won't survive.
MK: Ummm ... Bear?
BC: Oh. It's you. 
MK: What's going on?
BC: Do you MIND? You blew my cover!!
MK: What are you doing?
BC: Isn't it obvious?
MK: Not exactly.
BC: I'm UNDERCOVER, Momma.
MK: Ummm ... for what?
BC: If I told you, I'd have to kill you. This cat will self-destruct in ten ... nine ... eight ... eight ... err ... eight ...
MK: {sigh} Seven?
BC: I knew that! I was just testing you.
MK: Uh huh.
BC: {AHEM!} This cat will self-destruct in ten ... nine ... eight ... SEVEN ... six ... five ... four ... three ... two ... one ... Umm ... ONE! ONE!!! HELLLLLLLLLO? I said ONE!!!
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: It doesn't work like that, Bear.
BC: Oh, sure ... a less intelligent being is going to TELL ME how it works! I've been trained, Momma. I'm a lean mean counter-terrorism machine. CAI and MI-8 certified.
MK: MI-8? You mean MI-6?
BC: MI-EIGHT. MIGHT. OBVIOUSLY.
MK: CAI? You mean CIA?
BC: Shows what you know! Clever advanced intelligence.
MK: Umm ... Bear? You're the only terrorist around here.
BC: Only when I don't get my way!
{Pause}
BC: Huh. That IS most of the time.



BC: But that's hardly MY fault! You're just mean!
{Pause}
BC: And you, lady, torture me all the time!
MK: Because I brush your teeth so you don't lose anymore? Because I wash your chin so your acne doesn't get worse? 
BC: Phht. You also "sing" and "dance" and clip my claws and starvatate me!
MK: Right. Because a fourteen pound cat is CLEARLY "starvatating."
BC: What do YOU know about starvatating? You eat pizza and doughnuts like ... like ... oh, NEVER MIND!
{Pause}
BC: Now, I have to go find another cover. THANKS A LOT!
MK: Maybe you should find a cover that actually COVERS you this time.
BC: {in a mocking voice} Maybe you should find a cover that actually COVERS you this time. AS IF I DON'T ALREADY KNOW THAT!
BC: DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUH DA da de da.
MK: Ummm ... Bear?
BC: NOW WHAT?
MK: Your entire back half is hanging out of the bag.
BC: WHAT?!?! That's impossible!
{Bear moves the bag a little to look toward his backside}
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
MK: What are you trying to accomplish, Bear?
BC: There's a thief in our midst.
MK: A thief? Of what?
BC: {narrowing his eyes} Yeah, you WOULD want to know, wouldn't you?
MK: I just don't understand why you're going through all this.
BC: Let's just say that someone is stealing my poop from my litter box.
MK: I'm sorry .... WHAT?!?!?
BC: Poop. Litter box. 
MK: I always scoop your litter box, Bear.
BC: Yeah, yeah ... there's another poop thief around here. My poop's disappeared when you're otherwise occupied.
MK: Ummm ... yeah, The Boy scoops your litter box when you land a really stinky poop since you refuse to cover them.
BC: But those dread drops aren't for him!
MK: Dread drops? You mean dead drops?
BC: Haven't you gotten what I've laid down?
MK: What in the hell are you talking about?
BC: I leave messages in my drops.
MK: Poop?
BC: Intelligence disguised as poop.
MK: That's some smelly intelligence.
BC: Ha ha ... oh wait, that's not funny.
MK: Not even a little?
BC: This is SERIOUS business, Momma! Someone is intercepting my messages for you.
MK: Messages? What messages?
BC: {GASP} I KNEW IT! You're too stupid to understand the art of the dread drop! You haven't gotten ANY of my messages!
MK: Bear, if you have messages, why don't you just TELL ME whatever you think I should know? Up to a week ago, it was just me and you.
BC: Phht. We use the art of subtlety.
MK: Nothing is subtle about your poop, Bear. Talk about announcing one's presence.
BC: {GASP} THAT'S IT! The Boy! He must work for the DAI!
MK: Excuse me? You mean DIA?
BC: Dog Agency of Idiots! They eat their own poop, you know. Not very efficient for the dissemination of intelligence. And crappy intelligence doesn't get any better with each pass through the digestive system.
MK: BEAR!
BC: Well, he IS dating you. I mean that should be a tip off. He moved in to gather intelligence!
MK: If that's the case, then he's not an idiot. He's been here for a week and you're JUST figuring all this out?
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Another mark of a DAI agent? Has he sniffed your butt?
MK: I don't think so. I mean ... hmmm.
BC: I KNEW IT! I'm going to catch him red-pawed ... err ... handed. SHH. I'm going back undercover, Momma. Can you open the cabinet for me?
{Pause}
BC: DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUH DA da de da.
{Ten minutes pass ... then The Boy opens the cabinet where Bear is hiding}.
The Boy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! RATS! How did I get here?


The Boy: Honey? Why is the cat in the cabinet?
MK: Ask him.
The Boy: Bear, why are you in the cabinet?
BC: I got lost.
The Boy: How do you get lost and end up in a cabinet? It's not like you took a wrong turn at your litter box or anything.
BC: You wouldn't understand. 
The Boy: I think THAT'S fairly obvious.
BC: Though I find it interesting my litter box is the foremost thought in your mind. 
{Pause}
BC: Woof.
{Pause}
BC: ARF! ARF!
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: You know what I said, don't you? You're one of THEM!
The Boy: One of who?
MK: You don't want to know.
The Boy: Don't want to know what?
MK: Just drop it.
BC: Is that code? Is HE dropping codes for you too? You're with THEM!
The Boy: WHO?
BC: You know WHO. Excuse you. I have work to do. Open the pantry.
The Boy: The pantry?
BC: Sheesh, you are somewhat dim aren't you?
The Boy: {opening the pantry} There.
BC: Do you mind? CLOSE THE DOOR! DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUN de da de da da da. DUH DA da de da.
The Boy: Did you drop him on his head as a kitten?
MK: {sigh} NO! 
The Boy: He's a strange one.
BC: Says The Boy who eats his own poop and sniffs butts!
The Boy: What's he talking about?
MK: You truly don't want to know.
{Silence}
The Boy: What's he doing in there?
MK: If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
The Boy: That's one of his lines.
MK: It just happens to be true in this case. I don't understand either.
{Fifteen minutes pass ... The Boy goes to the bathroom}.
BC: AHA!
The Boy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear runs under the bed}.
BC: They're after me! They're going to kill me! They're going to torture me! I'll have to listen to Momma's singing until my ears fall off! I knew this job was dangerous but that was close! I ALMOST was killed watching him dread drop! I need a better plan.
{Fifteen minutes pass}.

MK: Bear? Why are you hiding behind an empty bottle of soda?
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Bear IS NOT here.
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} I'm incognito! 
MK: As a soda bottle?
BC: Is this state the obvious day again?
MK: I'm pretty sure everyone can see you, Bear.
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
{Pause}
BC: Hmmmm. Is this disguise better?

MK: {busting out laughing} You've GOT to be kidding!
BC: I fail to see the humor in the situation.
MK: Well, you certainly aren't an angel ... so if you're going for something no one would expect ... you succeeded.
BC: I'm not sure I like how you said that.
MK: Bear, you know who's stealing your poop. What do you accomplish by staking out your litter box?
BC: That's a good question. I ... umm ... uh oh. RATS! 
MK: No reason?
BC: Phht. There's a reason all right. I just can't tell you the reason.
MK: Where are you going?
BC: To take a nap! All this surveiling made me tired!
MK: What about the poop thief?
BC: What about him?
MK: Have a good nap, Bear.
BC: {walking down the hallway to his bed} I always do ... when you're quiet anyway. That's a subtle hint for you!

Featured posts of the day: 

32 comments:

  1. Oh, BearCat, you are such a wise pussycat and so funny! You make a good undercover agent...now let's scoop that poop...MOL :D Extra Double Pawkisses because we couldn't come to see you earlier and for a Happy Weekend :) <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My job is never done! I'm sure you understand, Binky! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. We think this job sounds very uncomfortable. It's sure to interface with naps and mealtimes. Do you really want that ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In order of importance ... 1) food, 2) sleep, 3) annoying my Momma. Actually, with The Boy around, annoying HIM is #3 now ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  3. The name's Bond. Bear Bond. We think that has a nice ring to it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pssst.... PSSST! I'm wearing a pink carnation and carrying a copy of the NY Times. I think maybe I'm your contact this evening, Mr Bear, or shall I just call you James? Anyways I can put you in touch with my pal, Michael Mouse over at SPAM HQ (Special Predator Alert Mice Squad) and he may be able to help with some undercover work just to keep the boy under surveillance whilst you're not there. Purrs, ERin
    PS, This carnation will self destruct in.......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoa. You're hard core, Erin! I've never seen a carnation I didn't destroy. Not really related ... just saying ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. Bear, it sure sounds like you are having a very busy day trying to stay under cover. Good luck to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a tough mission, but somecat has to do it! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. A thief who steals a kitty's poop is the worst kind of thief. You're wise to be staking things out and staying under cover, Bear.

    We cracked up over your flow chart on your Momma's singing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's very dangerous! But I'm not scared at all. Nope. Not AT ALL. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. You certainly keep each other on your toes!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love your litter box covering chart, too funny. Do you use any plastic dishes? That is usually the cause of that acne. We have glass bowls, but sometimes I let Sammy or Joanie lick the butter off my plastic plate and they get acne.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No. My Momma doesn't let me have any plastic ... all my bowls are ceramic. I still have flare ups occasionally though. My Momma thinks that maybe my toothbrush (the handle is plastic), might be causing some of the problem ... but she won't quit brushing my teeth because she's worried I'll lose more teeth. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. Well, Bear, we just don't even know what to say. Well, except of course, we luv your angel foto. Mommy says we're all angels. She says ifin ya' call us angels, we're more apt to be good. Mommy doesn't allow anypawdy to call us lil devils no matter what we do. 'Course we would never do anythin' bad enuff to be called dat anyways. MOL We do hope things settle down fur ya'. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am a perfect angel! Especially when you consider that stupid boy! He makes me look like a saint! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. I sure hope you figure out what's happening to your poop! We're pretty good at solving mysteries so maybe we can help...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you are great at solving mysteries! Thank you :) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  11. I'm am sure you will solve the mystery, after all you're a double knot spy Bear!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a bag full of tricks ... and who's better at snoopervising than a cat? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. Oh Bear don't listen to your mom! We totally think you're an angel! Good luck with the mystery

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Phht. She's just jealous. I think she wants my halo :) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  13. All paws point to The Boy!Seriously! ;p

    the critters in the cottage xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Exactly! My rear end points his direction too ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  14. A poop-stealing enemy in your midst? Yikes. We'd stay undercover, too, Bear!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm working on it ... one can never be too careful! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  15. MOL ! We love your step-by-step decision schema ! Purrs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a VERY important decision, you know ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  16. Hmmm...I wonder if my cats are leaving me any messages in their litter. I better check carefully next time. Or, perhaps I just don't want to know!

    ReplyDelete