Monday, January 9, 2017

A Momma's stupidity allowance

[Scroll down to skip Momma's note and go right to today's conversation].

Somewhere in the last year, I lost perspective on what matters in life. For years, I've known that true happiness comes from appreciating what one has instead of always chasing after that one thing you think you need to be happy. There's a false promise in thinking, "If I just lose weight," or, "If I had more money," or, "If I succeeded at this," " ... I'd be happy." So many times we find what we think will make us happy and we find there is something still missing. The truth is that if you can't be happy with what you already have, there's little chance that will change, even when you get what you think you so desperately need to be happy. That's not to say that we shouldn't strive for better ... but the root of happiness is in being happy and seeing the blessings in what we already have. Despite his cattitude and occasional obnoxiousness, at heart, Bear is still Momma's boy. He acts tough and like he's his own cat, but at his core, he's a sweetheart who not only knows how to make Momma laugh, but also knows how to make Momma feel loved.

I struggled for a week with whether to publish this post or not. My goal with this blog is to bring a moment or two of happiness into my readers' lives each day. Especially in times of tragedy and sorrow, a momentary distraction can make all the difference ... can lighten the load just enough to make it manageable. Knowing all this, I have a hard time justifying such a serious and often a bit depressing post. But just like my weird sense of humor is part of me, so is the broken little girl who still so desperately wants to be loved. My sense of humor most likely was a result of my pain ... a way to cope with what otherwise would've been unmanageable. So for those of you who are struggling, know you are not alone. Just because you read humor here three or four days a week doesn't mean that I don't cry, that I don't struggle, that I have it all together. THAT is my goal with this post ... talking about what I'm ashamed of in the hopes that it might help someone else as well - either in giving you the inspiration to talk about it, or the comfort of knowing you aren't alone, or in recognizing that people are so much more than they present to the world and meets the eye. Appearances aren't reality ... and that person who's always cracking jokes might be struggling just as much as you are. As a bit of proof that in the midst of such great humor, one may also experience such incredible sadness.... two of the posts I enjoyed the most and laughed about long after they were published, The stupidity allowance and "The script," were written in the same week as this post ... and actually, at the very same time time - as this post. My indecision about publishing this post is responsible for the delay.

I never make resolutions, but this year, I want to get my perspective back. Our good friends at Dezi's World always focus on the ways they are blessed instead of what they lack. They constantly inspire me to do the same. So in that spirit, I'm going to share three things that I am grateful for that make me happy.
1) Bear Cat. Yes, he destroys things and can be ornery, but he also saves me daily by loving freely and knowing how to make me laugh.
2) My brother's family ... including my niece and nephew.
3) This blog. This is a catchall of all the friends I've made (in the blogging world and those that started out as readers), the opportunity to make people laugh, and the creative outlet that I need so desperately. 

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming ...

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - A Momma's stupidity allowance:

BC: Err, Momma? Why aren't you working on our next post?

MK: I can't.

BC: What do you mean, you CAN'T?
MK: My funny is broken.
BC: How can it be broken? For something to be BROKEN, it actually has to WORK at some point!

{Silence}
BC: Oh, COME ON! Not even a smile? Just so you understand, I'm NOT putting the plunger on my head again! I don't care HOW depressed you are! Put it on YOUR OWN head for giggles!
MK: Bear, I just don't feel like it.
BC: This has been going on long enough! This is going to go in your yearly review if you don't perk up soon!
MK: Yearly review? You "review" my performance every day of the year!
BC: You're right! I should get a day off! Sheesh. I take one day off though and posts like Bolt Cathack Returns happen! If you need to refresh your memory ...

BC: Then I look bad! And people start getting mad at me because the only jokes that you make are the easy ones about you being old and your love of doughnuts! As if I'd make the low hanging fruit of jokes!
{Momma starts crying}
BC: Oh, no! Not again! This is NOT in my contract! Us cats ... we do funny ... we do indignant ... we even do cuddles ... but anything involving leaky human body fluids, uh uh!
{Momma cries harder}
BC: Ooooooh ... {choking up a bit}. If you'll excuse me a minute.
{Pause as Bear goes in the other room}
BC: HWACK! HWACK! HWAAAA .... WHAAAA ... HWWWWWWWWWWAAACK!
{Pause}
BC: {walking back into the room where Momma is} If you decide to spend the rest of the day in bed all depressed, you might want to change the sheets first.
{Momma keeps crying}
BC: Errr ... {putting his paw on Momma's leg} There ... err ... there ... umm ... {patting Momma's leg with his paw} ... Would you like ... umm ... err ... a hug? A cold beverage? A bazooka? Actually, I could do well with a tasty whole chicken right now, but I suppose now's not the time to ask.
{Pause}
BC: Maybe you could use a massage?
{Momma stops to look at Bear}
BC: NO! Not from me! What kind of cat do you think I am? I don't operate that kind of facility around here! Or at least it's not in my contract. Hmmmm ... but I could maybe pull a few strings ... ooooh ... string. I like to POUNCE on string. I like to CHEW string! STRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING.
{Pause}
BC: Now where was I?
MK: Massage?
BC: Maybe I could call in some favors and get you a massage. In exchange for a tasty whole chicken anyway.
MK: A cat who does favors?
BC: No. You're right. I'm surprisingly self-centered, even for a cat. The last time I did a favor ... hmm ... that can't be right ... nope. DEFINITELY have NOT done anyone any favors in my life. Or the other eight lives either. Unless you count the hairball in your bed. You DID hear that right? Because I don't want you to get all mad later and say I didn't tell you!
{Momma keeps crying}
BC: RATS! THINK, BEAR! THINK! What would make a human feel better? Erm ... WE HAVE DOUGHNUTS!
{Pause}
BC: No? Erm .... if I get on the counter will you tell me to get down? "BEAR! Get off the counter! BEAR! Get off the kitchen table! BEAR! Don't do this! BEAR! Don't do that! BEAR BEAR BEAR dur dur dur dur ..." Hmm ... imitating humans would make an AWESOME feline party game. "Hey, Spot! Do the one where she walks into the wall! That's a good one!" Hehehehehe. Err ...

{Silence}
BC: Okay, I got a little carried away there. Being mean ... doughnuts ... erm ... PRESENTS! Hold on! 
BC: I can't breathe ... I can't ... too tight. TOO TIGHT! Actually, don't hold on. I didn't mean that literally!
{Pause as Bear runs off and comes back}
BC: {dropping his kickstick at Momma's feet} HERE!

BC: Oh, COME ON! My kickstick always makes ME feel better! Or maybe you're not at the point where you want to beat the snot out of something yet. Hmmm ... you're not really a kicker though ... give me a minute ...

{Pause as Bear runs off and comes back}
BC: {dropping his sparkle ball at Momma's feet} HERE!

BC: Okay! So no sparkle today ... 

BC: It doesn't smell bad does it? I mean that thing only happened once and all ...

BC: Nope. I don't smell a trace of ... anyway!

{Pause as Bear runs off and comes back}
BC: {dropping his kitty at Momma's feet} HERE!

BC: You like kitties, right? You can play with my kitty!!! NO?
{Pause as Bear runs off and comes back}
BC: {dropping his mousie at Momma's feet} HERE! It's BLUIE, Momma! Bluie is my favorite mousie!!! Go ahead! Bat him around a little bit. 


{Pause}
BC: Or you can hold him by the tail in your mouth and flip him like this ...
{Bluie flies through the air and smacks Momma in the head}.
BC: Hmmm ... the aim on that was unfortunate. I don't suppose it knocked any sense into you, did it?
{Silence}
BC: Don't worry, Bluie. I still think you're awesome. My Momma's just had it a bit rough recently. Don't tell her ... but she might need H-E-L-P. Or the V-E-T. I mean, humans go to the vet too, right? Though I can't imagine them tolerating a thermometer shoved up their rears, so maybe not.

{Silence}
BC: Come on, Momma. Ever since this boy business, MY blog has been going down the litter box. No, I guess that doesn't really make sense, does it? MY blog has required scooping? When you got home from the conference at the end of June, you had all these IDEAS. including a complete redesign of the blog so you had something to be PROUD of. Then you meet a boy, and instead, you've played fast and loose ... or in your case, slow and slower and still loose ... well, everywhere BUT the waistband if you get my drift. If you paid as much attention to MY blog as you do to doughnuts, none of this would happen. All for some stupid boy.

MK: I even knew better, Bear. I DO know better. But that fixes nothing. I've never been like this about anyone before ... not even the Big Dodo. I feel like I've lost my mind and lost my perspective. My entire life, I proudly declared that I would never need a man and that no man was worth the pain. And then the only two exceptions in my entire life happened ... almost exactly ten years apart.  And I feel stupid and weak for forgetting what I've clung to my entire life. All for the promise of a better life ... being part of a team ... being loved.
BC: Don't cry over spilled milk, Momma. Err ... then again, spilling my gravy would just not do. You spill my gravy and I'll leave butt prints on all your doughnuts.
MK: I know all this, Bear. That's why it's so frustrating. I'm frustrated and feel weak. I hardly ever need help and I'm almost never depressed for more than a day. I NEVER cry and now I can't stop. The depth, extent, and length of time of both is what's killing me. I've only been like this one other time in my life and yet our readers probably think this is normal for me. I don't know how to do consumed with feelings.
BC: Well, you DO know that no matter how much it sucks to feel like this, it's SO much better than that stupid eating disorder you fought for almost twenty years. I suppose a therapist would say feeling your feelings and going on with life is a strength.

MK: You are right about that.
BC: Right? I'm RIGHT? I think you'd be much happier with a tasty whole chicken around here!
MK: Nice try.
BC: RATS! 
{Pause}
BC: But back to busy-ness ... or in your case, lazy-ness. Besides, if you can survive the hell of an eating disorder, especially for that long, you can survive ANYTHING. The apocalypse, an atomic bomb, running out of doughnuts, never having pizza again ...
MK: {sigh} I'm just not used to needing help ... needing support from other people ...
BC: {AHEM!}
MK: And cats.
BC: {AHEM!}
MK: What?
BC: {AHEM!}
MK: Oh. CAT. No plural.
BC: Yep, that's right, lady. You've squeezed the stuffing out of me more than enough times under the guise of needing a "hug." Oh. And don't forget a completely morose Christmas season.
MK: That is true.
BC: You didn't sign me up for the Secret Paws thing so I didn't get cool presents! Grinch. I'm taking out that out of your allowance!
MK: I don't get an allowance, Bear. The money's mine, remember?
BC: Phht. In name only. We all know I wear the pants around here.

MK: More like you wear the fangs and claws.
BC: Same thing. Well, whatever works, right? And besides, recently, you haven't even ASKED for support from other people because you felt stupid and didn't want people to think you're like this all the time.
MK: That's the problem, I have been like this ALL THE TIME for almost six months. And for our newer friends, for all they know, I am ALWAYS like this. And then there's the joy of Christmas ... technically anyway. The whole "I'm sad" thing gets depressing for anyone to listen to all the time ... and I feel even stupider because I KNOW better ... rationally, I know I'm just being crazy. 
BC: Well, I won't argue with that ... but I mean, you're crazy ALL the time ... just in a different way.
MK: I embarrass myself. For being weak, for losing control and not being able to get it together, because I know better ...
BC: Well, you're no cat, THAT'S for sure!
MK: Not to mention I've neglected my friends. I always try to be supportive and I just haven't had it in me. Not to mention all the people that reached out to me that I pushed away from connecting with. I'm always like that, but then I feel bad.
BC: And you've neglected MY blog!

MK: Yeah. Didn't we already cover that?
BC: It should be said TWICE because it's about me! You haven't been playing with me either! You're exceeding your stupidity allowance.
MK: I thought you said only cats get a stupidity allowance.
BC: Well, you can have one too. I mean you kind of need one with all the times you walk into the wall by accident, and try to flip light switches that haven't moved in ten years, and your general dorkiness too. Yeah, you're no daredevil, but you still do stupid quite adequately.

MK: Thank you.
BC: You're more than welcome! Do you need to see my map again?
MK: Map? You better not have made another map of things you've destroyed around here!
BC: Well, no ...
MK: Or a map of hairballs ...
BC: HEY! I only did that twice!
MK: Bear, you made it a SCAVENGER hunt! That was disgusting!
BC: By the way ...

MK: Yes, yes, I heard about the bed.
BC: Oh, yeah. That too.
MK: TOO?
BC: Well, you know, I was saving it all up just in case another boy showed up ... but since none have ... I have a bit of a backlog. Back-fur? No. The fur doesn't just come from my back ... 
MK: And who can forget the maps you drew up just in case food walked in the front door?
BC: HEY! If a bison came to die in my food bowl, I didn't want him to get lost on the way! 
MK: And then there were all the signs you made for chickens, fish, turkeys, tunas and cows!

BC: Well, maybe if you kept my bowl full of food, I wouldn't have to wait for tasty whole animals to mosey by! It's empty right now!

BC: But now that you've proven just how mean you are ... NO. When I said my map, I meant my map to healing, remember?

MK: That's a great reminder, thank you, Bear.
BC: Hmph.
MK: Here it says "cuddle cat."
BC: I don't see a cat around here. Nope. No cats.
BC: Oh for the love ... 
MK: {grabs Bear for cuddles}.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Yeah, yeah. The next boy is GOING DOWN WELL before he gets a chance to mess with you. That's MY path to healing!

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41 comments:

  1. 2016 was the year I regained perspective and in many ways, took the control back in my life and rediscovered what gives me meaning and joy. I am wishing the same thing for you! If you and Bear would like to participate in my new series - I would LOVE IT! So far, I have only had dogs respond! Email me if you are interested at thedailypip(at)gmail(dot)com

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    1. Great! Thank you! I'm glad you found what you needed ... that gives me hope.

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  2. Bear, while we totally agree with everything you say, give your mom a break for a minute or two. our the mom says it's not about the man, it's about the loss. and loss is a hard thing to get over - no matter what. Give her a cuddle or two, and if she squeezes too tight don't be afraid to barf on her. We wish that your mom will find her happy again.

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    1. You'd THINK having a cat as fantastic as me would be enough for the whole happy thing. Hmph. On to part two of my plan ... and MORE cuddles ...
      You make a good point about the loss ... she hadn't considered that, but it's an important distinction! ~Bear Cat

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  3. We think humans imitating cats would make for a good time. Can you imagine our Mom clutching our kick stick while pretending she's kicking at it with her back feets? Hilarious! No? Okay, yeah, we can see now how that might be scary to envision. It sounded so much better before it came out of our mouth...

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    1. If you saw the time my Momma imitated the crazies, you wouldn't even contemplate such nonsense. It almost made me feel ridiculous to be a cat! Nevertheless, my Momma is just stupid enough to try your suggestion for a laugh :) ~Bear Cat

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  4. Bear, we always find so much inspiration in what a great team you and your momma make. You know each other so well, and of course you always let her squeeze on you when she needs a furry snuggle (right?). Keep up the good work, Bear! We are of course sending warm wishes to you and your momma!

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    1. Err ... I always let her snuggle me ... I just don't always like it. Thank you for everything you said - it means the world to Momma to know we have friends who like us and appreciate our {AHEM ... MY} work. ~Bear Cat

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  5. Bear, we know you are a sweet guy, so please tell Mom to just be herself, it's what makes her special!

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    1. She never listens to me! Then again, I tell her she needs tasty whole chickens so I suppose she should be slightly skeptical of my suggestions ...
      She is kind of special though ... I mean, I was homeless and all and everyone else ignored me ... but she saw something special. ~Bear Cat

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  6. We love exactly what you do and who you and your mom are. We love how she can converse with you just like you were a person.
    Your niece and nephew are adorable and I love how your mom has fun with them!!
    Keep up what you doing it works
    hugs madi your bffff

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    1. Thank you. Hearing that truly makes a difference. ~Momma
      The niece and nephew are kind of loud ... last time they came over, I spent the entire time under Momma's bed. ~Bear Cat

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  7. sometimes it is all about celebrating the little things....and then you discover that another day has gone by and you made it and that counts for a lot

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  8. Bear, you are doing a great job with your mom. It's not about fixing our humans, it's about ... being with them. We are so wonderful, we make them feel better just being here.

    To your mom... I understand. Been there, more than once. I know a lot about emotional pain, and depression. We're all here for you though, so don't feel alone.

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    1. Arg. Fixing humans ... not even nine lives would be enough for that! ~Bear Cat
      Thank you ... that truly means a lot to me. ~Momma

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  9. There is so much wisdom in those first two paragraphs. I've often found that people use humor to mask their pain. I sincerely hope you're able to find your joy again soon...so many of us care about you. And Bear, you are such a sweetheart taking care of your Momma!

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    1. I'm overwhelmed by what you said - I truly appreciate that you care and understand. I wish I had the words to describe how much it means to me, but I fall WAY short. Thank you. I never expected to find a community in blogging, but for the first time in my life, I have and I understand exactly what being part of a community means.

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  10. Life can be full of hills and valleys. The 'impawtant' thing is the journey from one to the other. I hope yours becomes one of more gratitude and awareness than of sadness. Seek joy with each new sunrise and remember, every day is a good day, some are just better than others! ❤︎

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    1. So true! Thank you for reminding me of that ... it's the journey ... not the endpoint :)

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  11. I think you're so brave to share your experiences with the world. Life always goes full circle and I hope your joy and happiness comes around again very soon. Big hugs.

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    1. You are right about life going full circle ... when I was going through my divorce, I was sure I'd never see the other side ... and then all of a sudden I was there. Thank you.

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  12. I think this was a wonderful post! And brave and wise! We all feel the way you do and it's good to be reminded we are not alone and that we have things we should be very thankful for (fur babies make the top of the list!)Amarula sends you and bear a kiss (first Frodo and now this! my gosh she is kissing everyone lately) Like Bear she is very tenderhearted underneath that fur!

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    1. It is pretty special when Mr/Ms Tough Pants turns into a purring ball of love, isn't it? I'm thankful so many people saw the value in my post - I'm truly humbled and overwhelmed with gratitude. We've made good friends and there's little in life better than that!

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  13. Thank you for your honest post. I know we all have hard times and I appreciate that you put so much effort into brightening everyone's day. Please know you are loved by many. And Bear is a sweetie even if he does act tough :) I love the photos of you with your niece and nephew so cute. XO

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    1. I'm overwhelmed by everything you said. I wish I had the words to describe how much it means to me. Thank you.

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  14. We think your mom is pretty darned special, Bear, and it's great that she took the chance and shared this difficult, but beautiful, post. We love you both, and are really thankful for your friendship. Big hugs.

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    1. She's alright. I mean, I AM the star and all ... and she doesn't detract TOO much from that. You are right though, she can be a kick butt Momma sometimes ... and knowing what we mean to others always makes us happy. We never expected to find a community in blogging, but we've been overwhelmed with the support and love ... and you are a big part of that! ~Bear Cat

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  15. We all have the need to feel loved. You ARE loved. Depression lies to you. It tells you that everryone is against you when that couldn't be further from the truth. Keep pushing back. You are pawsome! Keep loving other people and animals. You and Bear are a great pair. It is fun to see you play together. :)
    -Purrs from your friends at www.PlayfulKitty.net

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    1. Thank you for reminding me of what I need to hear. This is truly the issue ... the dark thoughts. And thank you for your friendship!

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  16. Aaaaaaaaaaaw Bear and awnty Kat, it's okay to get da sads. And da sads don't mean you be weak. Y, Ya' know from readin' our blog, dat things aren't always rosy, and dat mommy gets depressed and cries. Kittens!!! Mommy cries a lot. Sometimes they're happy tears, so they don't really count, but none da less, mommy does her fair share of cryin'. As fur da boys, we think it would be purretty cool to have a daddy, but da daddys don't seem all dat innerested in mommy. We think it might be cuz she's so needy. It couldn't pawssibly have anythin' to do with her devotion to us. No way, no how. After all, we always come furst. Can't speak to those doughnuts. Mommy says they're delishus, and they must be, cuz when mommy took Raena fur her spa day, she ate 3 of 'em dat were purrvided fur da volunteers. She'd'a brought some home too ifin they'd let her. MOL So they might work fur some cheerin' up ifin ya' got some. We don't know 'bout all these "classifications" of blogs. Ya' know, just cuz you have da funnies doesn't mean dat life ain't happenin', and it ain't always funny. ya' oughtta be able to write what ya' want when ya' want. And hey, askin' fur help only means you're real. And just cuz things be goin' wrong doesn't mean nuffin'. You are blest and you are luvved. You should never furget dat. We can attest dat mommy be a great listener, ifin ya' ever need her. We're all sendin' big hugs and lots of purrayers. And we'll be happy to share massages with ya', and tasty whole chickens. And mommy has a servin' left of cheater mac she'll share. Come on by.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi, Raena and mommy A

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    1. Thank you ladies for everything you said. It's exactly what Momma needed to hear but couldn't manage to tell herself. Thank you for being our incredible friends and teaching us so much!

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    2. Aaaaaaaaaaw Fank you. Mommy says sometimes when you're in da middle of it, ya' can't see or find your own way out. Dat's what furiends are fur. Fank you fur bein' our furiends. We luv ya'll bunches and bunches, and are here fur ya' any time ya' need it. Well, maybe not at la.m., but any other time. MOL Big hugs

      Luv ya'

      Dezi and Raena

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  17. BC, you are such a good friend to you your Mom. She needed you and you were there for you. Kitties are such great company and listen to all our troubles. Great post.

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  18. MK you have us, as well as Bear! You are not alone, and Bear is doing everything he can to support you.

    Stand up and be a Mom :-)

    See you on the blog soon!!!

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  19. Momma Kat, you are a true inspiration. To be so open and honest - thank you. We all struggle at times in our lives and with self-doubt. But I hope that you know how much you have to offer the world and yourself! Bear Cat is such a personality, and that is all thanks to you. Your writing and humor is amazing. Give yourself a pat on the back and a big hug. You deserve it! I'm sending virtual hugs!

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    1. Thank you, Rachel. I don't know how you knew, but you said everything I needed to hear ... everything that truly matters to me. I'm truly blessed to have great friends to remind me of these things when I lose perspective. THANK YOU.

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    2. Did someone say a ball was going on? If so I am very late, sorry about that! Hmm seems like bear and you need to be who you are rather than who you think you should be.... Anyways we like the true MK, & Bear is and always will be Bear, right and to the point! Now point me to the Creame de Nip and I'll be on my way. purrs ERin

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    3. Fortunately, head ornamentation is not required ... besides, I've claimed the plunger. Though I might have a nice round of cheddar around here ... ~Bear Cat
      ps - We both think you are right about being ourselves ... okay, okay, Bear has doubts about Momma being Momma, but that's another post entirely ;)

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