Monday, July 25, 2016

The boy

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - The boy:
BC: HIIIIIIIII!
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: What are you doing?
MK: I'm on the computer.
BC: NO. I'm ON the computer.
MK: Get down.
BC: What are you doing on the computer?
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIII!
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: You're not petting me!
MK: I'm busy.
BC: What are you doing?
MK: Talking to one of our readers.
BC: Why?
MK: What?
BC: Why are you talking to someone online instead of petting me?
MK: Because I like the person.
BC: You like all of our readers. And you LOVE me!
MK: {sigh} If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
BC: HEY! That's my line!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!

MK: Come here, Bear.
BC: PURRRRR ... I love you ...
{The phone rings}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HIT THE DECK!
{Pause}
BC: Why's the phone ringing? How RUDE!
MK: Hello?
BC: Who is it? What do they want?!?!
MK: {whispering} Bear. Shh.
BC: Is it a secret? I can keep secrets you know. Or is that only ones I don't know that I can keep?
{Silence}
BC: What's the person saying?
{Pause}
BC: Why aren't you answering my questions?
{Pause}
BC: Why are you STILL talking on the phone?
{Pause}
BC: Are you talking to a BOY?
{Pause}
BC: You ARE, AREN'T YOU? 
{Pause}
BC: TRAITOR!
{Pause}
BC: Are you GIGGLING!?!?! GIGGLING with THE BOY. Holy MONKEY BALLS! I'm in trouble! Or you're in trouble! Or we're both just really, really SCREWED!
{Pause}
BC: DASH! DOT! DASH! Err ... DOT! DASH! DOT! No, that's not right. Oh, hell. HEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPP! P-D-Q! C-P-R! Oh, SHIP! No, that's not right SHI ... err ... T? HELP MORRIS! SOS! There's a BOY!
{Pause}
BC: You're GROUNDED until you grow up, missy! NO BOYS!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Ummm ....
{Pause}
BC: THE BIG DODO! Remember the BIG DODO!?!?! You're taste in boys SUCKS. SUCKS.
{Pause}
BC: That's IT! I'm packing my bags! I'm moving out! 
{Pause}
BC: I'm an only child! Err ... I mean, the only MALE ... oh, MY POOR EXCISED BALLS! The only male by birth! HERE! IN THIS HOUSE! No other boys!
{Pause}
BC: FOREVER!
{Pause}
BC: I'm The Great Bear Cat! I'm Male Princess Black Bear Cat of the Forest! I'm ME! You don't need anyone else! I'm fabulous! And fantastic! And wonderful. AND YOU'RE ALL MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINE!
{Pause}
BC: You know how this is going to end! There's going to be copious amounts of tears and then it will be all "Oh, Bear. I thought this time was going to be different!" And, "Why do I even try for something different when what I have is clearly all I deserve?" And then the, "It's me. I'm just not pretty enough/smart enough/worthwhile." Then another copious amount of tears and a SOAKED COAT of MY FUR later, "Another tiny glimmer of hope that things could be different now cruelly taunting me for thinking I could have anything better." Then all that nonsense about hating always have to fight and be strong. Moping. Wanting to give up. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?! DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR? BOYS!!!
{Pause}
BC: Boys are BAD, BAD news! BAD, Momma! BAD! Well, except for me. But I'm cute! And when I have to hurt you that (BLEEP) heals! I don't make you cry!
{Pause}
BC: {SNORT!} Let me tell you what I think of BOYS!
{Pause as Bear jumps down from staring at Momma and runs to his litter box}
BC: I'M POOPING! GRRRRRRR ... ERRRRRR ....
{Pause}
BC: A REALLY stinky POOP!
{Pause}
BC: {sniffing around inside the litter box} Holy crap! It really kind of DOES smell like the Big Dodo.
{Pause}
BC: {jumping out} THE ALIENS ARE AFTER ME! You won't take me alive! Or DEAD! OR AT ALL! EVER!
{Bear zooms around like a total nut for a few minutes}
BC: {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} {PUFF} I {HUFF} THINK {PUFF} I {HUFF} LOST {PUFF} THEM ...
{Momma laughs out loud}
BC: INCOOOOOOOOOOOOOMING! UNDER THE BED!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... IT WAS ONLY YOU. LAUGHING. BUT NOT AT ME.
{Pause}
BC: Why are you laughing? Are you laughing at something the boy said? I'm funny! I'm REALLY funny.

{Pause}
BC: FINE! Ignore me!
MK: {Taking a break from her conversation} Bear, I've been petting you the entire time you've been here. Minus your litter box break and the freak out.
BC: Phht. Don't touch me. I'm going to take a nap on the bed. In the OTHER room. Where I won't be disturbed and have to listen to this NONSENSE. And oh ... when you can be bothered, MY LITTER BOX REQUIRES SCOOPING! What you find in it closely approximates my feelings on the subject of boys ... other than me of course.
{Pause}
BC: {flicking his tail and sauntering off} HMPH!

Picture of the Day:
Oh, dear kitty gods! Please deliver us from this atrocity of boydom! I don't know how many more times I can handle my coat being soaked by tears! In the name of tuna, chicken, and beef. A MAN!
ps - If this boy should happen to own a tasty whole chicken farm, you may ignore this plea for relief from my Momma's stupidity.


Featured posts of the Day:
If you missed Bear's education on alien abductions and Morse code: * * * - - - * * *.
Or, to read more about Bear learning CPR: How To Save a Life.

18 comments:

  1. The "hit the deck" made us wonder... is Bear afraid of the phone ringing? Pierre doesn't appreciate the phone ringing when he is laying on top of it, but he is a lot more scared of the doorbell than the phone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Bear's usually startled by the phone. He's been known to fall off the back of the couch when it happens. I don't know if it's fear or just surprise and panic. When it comes to the doorbell, he's long gone by the time it actually rings. He's so consistent, if I'm expecting someone and he disappears I know they are here before they even ring the doorbell!

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  2. Oh Bear, we's sure your mommy would always put you furst befur any other boys. Our mommy does, dat's why there's no daddy here. MOL We always luv da huggin' fotos, ya'll look so cute together. And your fotos are pawsum as always. Mommy said she could totally relate to how your mommy feels. Me's surprised she admitted dat in public, so maybe we oughtta keep dat pawrt a little secret just tween us. Hope ya'll are stayin' cool ad havin' some fun.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When we started the blog, Momma swore she'd keep her life completely private. But then it hit her that if she was courageous enough to admit her struggles then it might help other people feel less alone and be more courageous themselves as well. She says since I saved her life, she feels like she has to "pay it forward" a bit and either make people feel better by making them laugh or by voicing things that most people are ashamed of and need to know they aren't alone with :) She's alright ... for a Momma anyway! ~Bear Cat

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  3. OMC...this was so funny with the greatest photos. B.C. is sure a character with great eyes and facial expressions. Please forgive us for being away so long. All the wedding stuff as had Mom super busy. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the compliments. We're glad to have friends as special as all of you are.

      Delete
  4. The boys are cruelly taunted by their desire for happiness too, when the boy realizes he won't find it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right. You won't ever find it if you don't ever give people a chance. You won't ever find if you don't even try.

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  5. Teehee, Bear, it's okay! It's just a phone call. Sometimes your momma needs to talk to a human person. Gasp! Very cute pictures, btw!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you trying to tell me she doesn't want to talk about tasty whole chickens all the time?

      Delete
  6. Bear, my Mom loves you!!! But.....don't you think you are overreacting just a teeny tiny bit? Love, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmph. I don't overreact just a teeny tiny bit. No. I smash through the wall with all my force and cattitude until my Momma can't ignore me. Hehehe. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Bear, we're with you. Our humans should devote every waking minute...and even most of their sleeping minutes...to us and only us...and not on any other human or any other thing. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But only when we want them to! Sheesh. Sometimes they get all grabby and touchy and I want to scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Just saying. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. Poor Bear, your Momma clearly doesn't give you enough attention.

    ReplyDelete
  9. All attention should be paid to you, ALL THE TIME. There oughtta be a law about that, for sure. In the meantime, continue providing the stinky poops. MOUSES!

    Purrs,
    Seville

    ReplyDelete