Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Always something, part 2

This post is the second in a series sharing the drama, frustration, nonsense, and yes, comedy, we now face daily as a two feline home. You may find the first post here: Always something.

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat


{Momma's occupied in the bathroom}
MK: {looking up to see Ellie watching her intently} Can I help you?
EM: No.
MK: Why are you staring at me?
EM: Bear said you cover your business with water and I want to see for myself. He's not exactly the most reliable source with all his conspiracy theories.
MK: I knew I should close the door.
BC: {walking up} Well, we don't have doors affiliated with OUR litter boxes. Nope, we have no choice but to do it out in the open.
MK: Give me a break. If I put a cover on the litter box, you wouldn't use it.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
{Momma sighs as she notices she now has TWO members of the audience}
EM: Are you done yet?

MK: No.
EM: What's taking so long? This is kind of boring.
BC: Just wait, just wait!
EM: Does water go flying all over the place? Because I just finished grooming myself.
BC: Stand back.
MK: Bear, what would you know? Every time I flush the toilet, you take off. You never actually see what happens.
BC: I just assumed it'd be awfully messy. And the only time I like to get wet is when it's raining outside and my escape means you have to come out in the pouring rain to bring me back inside.
EM: Are you done yet? 
MK: No.
EM: What's taking so long?
MK: You're BOTH watching me!
EM: Maybe you should sing a song to entertain us.

BC: Are you crazy?!?! You've heard her sing! All kinds of creatures come out of the woodwork.
EM: Even tasty whole chickens?
BC: Huh. Sing us a song, Momma!
MK: Do you both mind? I'm busy at the moment. 
BC: Is there a tasty whole chicken song?

EM: There's a chicken dance, right?
BC: A chicken dance?
EM: Yeah!
BC: Does it attract tasty whole chickens?
EM: YES!
MK: NO!
BC: Oooh! Teach me the chicken dance! Teach me the chicken dance!
MK: I'm BUSY!
BC: Come on! Teach me! Teach me!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... now I'm ASKING Momma to sing and dance. Maybe The Boy is right and I was dropped on my head as a kitten.
MK: In case you two hadn't noticed ... I'm BUSY! No singing ... no dancing ... 
BC: Phht. What's HER problem?
EM: Well, you know, if I had to cover my business with water, I'd be awfully grumpy too.
BC: Good point. I wonder if the humans ever fall in.
EM: {to Momma} Are you done yet?
MK: That's IT!
{Momma closes the door}
EM: That was rude!
BC: I need to learn the chicken dance! Momma! Let me in!!! Let me in!!! 
{Silence}
BC: No wait! She's getting out the tasty whole chickens! LET ME IN!!!
MK: {on the other side of the door} BEAR! I'd like privacy!
BC: You have tasty whole chickens in there!
MK: BEAR! If I teach you the chicken dance when I get out, will you give me a few moments of privacy?
{Silence}
EM: Are you done yet?
MK: {mumbling under her breath} I can't go with this nonsense. I haven't pooped alone since Ellie got here ... and Bear is just as bad. I quit.
{Momma opens the door}
BC: Teach me the chicken dance! Teach me the chicken dance!
EM: Where's the water?
BC: Chicken dance!
EM: WATER!
MK: Knock it off, you two! You both are ridiculous! If you two worked together on the same side, you might have more luck.
BC: She's ALWAYS on my side! I keep drawing the line and she keeps stepping over it! 
MK: {sigh} I've had it. 
{Momma walks in the closet and closes the door}
BC: Momma?
EM: Momma?
MK: I'm not here!
BC: RATS!
EM: Hehehehehehehehe. Doofus.

BC: When Momma gets home, I'm going to tell her you called me a doofus!
EM: You do that. WHEN SHE GETS HOME.

[NOTE: What's the chicken dance? Chicken Dance - Maximo, GoNoodle or History of the Chicken Dance and Oktoberfest.]

*** LATER THAT DAY ***
BC: {walking up to Ellie, who's in the litter box} AHA! I knew it! You're red-paws!
EM: {looking at her paws} What? My paws aren't red!
BC: I see you!
EM: Ummm ... okay. I see you too.
BC: So what do you have to say for yourself?
EM: About what?
BC: Why I caught you with your paw in the litter box.
EM: You caught me with my paw in the litter box because you follow me around everywhere and stare at me.
BC: But why are you in the litter box?
EM: Isn't it kind of obvious?
BC: No.
EM: You're not very bright. I have to poop. I still don't understand this red-paw thing. 
BC: Phht. And you say I'M not very bright. When a human catches another human doing something he shouldn't be doing, they say the offender is red-hands.
EM: I think it's, "caught red-handed."
BC: That's what I said!
EM: No. That's NOT what you said.
BC: Yes, it is!
EM: No, it isn't.
BC: Stop pestering me!
EM: You're the one following me around and watching everything I do. You're STALKING me and that gets really old fast.
BC: You still didn't answer the thousand catnip question. What are you doing in my litter box?
EM: YOUR litter box?


BC: YES! This is MY litter box.
EM: Yesterday, you said the other litter box was your litter box.


BC: They are both mine.
EM: Then where am I supposed to go?
BC: Outside.
EM: No.
BC: FINE. A compromise.
EM: Okay.
BC: You have to ask permission first.
EM: I don't need to ask your permission for anything! You're not the boss of me. I say this litter box is the ladies room. Are you a lady? If not, this isn't your litter box.
BC: Phht. LADY. If people saw how you were humping me last night ...


EM: You started it!
BC: I know I'm irresistible.
EM: Irresistible to beat the crap out of because you're obnoxious.
BC: You're lucky I share my litter boxes with you!
EM: You think SHARING a litter box with you is a bonus? You have all kinds of BOY spray and messiness. "Oooh! I'm a big manly man and I try to make up for my lack of sexual prowess by making sure my pee is spread around each time such that every inch of my litter box smells like me!" Or you sprung a leak. EWW. Like I want to stare at THAT while I'm doing my business.
BC: I'll ask you again ... what are you doing in MY litter box?


EM: Well, if you wish to claim this pungent and toxic dump of waste, then sure. It's YOUR litter box.
BC: You're a thief!
EM: I'm not stealing your litter box, you moron.
BC: NO! You've been stealing my poop!
EM: Do I look like I have a death wish?
BC: That's right! You know it! I'll kill you with my little claw.
EM: Let me show you where to stick your little claw. I was referring to the lethal qualities of your excrement. Dude. That stuff is weapons grade, hazmat suit required!
BC: Don't distract me from what you've done. I've been watching this box to catch my poop thief.
EM: Excuse me? Do you not think I poop enough myself?
BC: I staked out the litter box looking for the poop thief and it's YOU!
EM: Don't be ridiculous. I've COVERING your nasty gift to the rest of us because I can't tolerate the smell any longer. Then I'm going to poop.


BC: Suuuuure. That's what all the good poop thieves say.
EM: Who steals poop?
BC: YOU!
EM: I do not! I had to use the litter box and the smell was unbearable, so I covered your business before I did my own.
BC: Phht. Smelliness is the point! If it's smelly, the humans will scoop it. By burying it, you ensure it won't get scooped until the humans get to it.

EM: Is it THAT hard to cover your business?
BC: Is it that hard to mind your own business?
EM: Says the cat whose nose is in my business when I step into the litter box.
BC: I'm telling you ... I'm after a poop thief! 
EM: Can't I have privacy?

BC: No. Why does everyone want privacy from me?
EM: Ummm ... because you're ANNOYING and you put your nose into EVERYTHING?
BC: That was a rhetorical question!
EM: You don't have anything better to do?
BC: Phht. I'm IMPORTANT. I always have something to do.
EM: Then go do it!
{Pause as Bear looks both ways}

BC: Ummm ... you're right. I don't have anything better to do.
{The cats just stare at each other}
BC: Don't forget! Take your stuff with you!
EM: Not my problem.
BC: I'm watching you.
EM: WHAT?!?! I think I hear tasty whole chickens in the other room!
BC: REALLY?!?! I don't hear anything! Maybe the chicken dance helped! BYE!
{Bear runs down the hall to the bedroom}
EM: Sometimes I actually feel bad ... it's just way too easy.
{Fifteen minutes go by ... Ellie does her business ... Bear searches for tasty whole chickens in the bedroom ... until ...}
BC: {walking into the room and toward Momma's work area} Do de do ... I'm so glad you're home! Momma, I really need some ... {GASP}.

{Bear sees Ellie in Momma's lap}

BC: Oh nonononononononononononono. This is NOT happening! MY Momma's lap is taken! It's an emergency! I need lovings, Momma! RIGHT NOW! Move pipsqueak!
EM: It's MY turn!
BC: Well, when will it be MY turn ... wait a ... WE DON'T TAKE TURNS ... SHE'S MY MOMMA! If I don't get ear rubs RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I'm going to DIE!
MK: You can wait a few minutes, Bear.
BC: NO! I can't!
MK: Try.
BC: FINE!
BC: Do de do. Do do do do do ...
{Bear wanders off}
MK: I have a feeling I'm going to regret this.
{Silence}
The Boy: {from the other room} BEAR!!! Get off my keyboard! Wait! NO! Don't send that e-ma ... HONEY!!!! Get your cat off my keyboard! He just sent out an e-mail for a $9,678,372 premium!
BC: You missed the one! NINETEEN million. That should be enough for a tasty whole chicken farm.
The Boy: GET OUT!
{The door slams}

BC: HOW RUDE!!! I spend WAY too much time on the wrong side of doors.
{Bear saunters down the hallway until he sees the couch}
BC: AHA!
{Scratch-ity scratch scratch ... scratch scratch scratch ... Bear claws the couch ...}
BC: Take THIS! And that! 
MK: Bear! Knock it off!
BC: Well, since I have to WAIT IN LINE ... I thought I'd make my claws useful. You can stop this right now ...
MK: You're a furry terrorist.
{Scratch-ity scratch scratch ... scratch scratch scratch ... Bear claws the loveseat ...}
BC: I have a lot of furry fury, Momma. 
EM: {jumping down} And I'm on the receiving end of most of it! Luckily, I hand you your butt on a platter most of the time.
BC: That's not true!
EM: Uh huh!
BC: Un uh!
MK: Come here, Bear. Cuddles?
BC: {sitting just out of Momma's reach with his back to her} Hmph. Not any more. You missed your chance. Feeling sorry?
MK: Bear ...
BC: NO! NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!! Momma's killing me! Momma's killing me!
{Pause}
BC: I ... purr ... HATE ... purrrr ... you! I'm ... purr ... not actually ... purrrr ... purring! I'm ... purr ... being held against purrrr ... my ... purr ... will!
EM: {to herself} Dumba$$.

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39 comments:

  1. Oh you two make me laugh (and so does your Mum)!!!

    One day you will have 19 letterboxes EACH, until then you had better get along!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NINETEEN?!?! I don't know if I could handle that much work! I'd have to make sure I use each one at least every day! You know, to be fair and all! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. The litter war will continue, no doubt. There is a sign outside on the main road that says No Littering, but we do it anyways!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. {Groan} Litter finds itself onto just about everything around here!

      Delete
  3. Haha! I love you two so much! <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. You all are all hysterical. I feel the urge to send you some fresh chicken, Bear. But first you would have to catch it. Ellie, looks like you are getting control over that Bear little by little. Have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! It means so much to us to hear that! Bear says he's going to practice hunting chickens and might take you up on your offer ;)

      Delete
  5. OMC, you guys, beware that nasty human toilet! BEWARE! Sometimes, when you try to jump on it, you instead end up IN it. Trust me, it's a nightmare. Purrs, Thimble

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NOOOOOOOOOOO! You did not end up IN it! I've almost slipped in a couple times ... mainly when I used the seat to boost me up to get in something that's supposed to be out of my reach ;) ~Bear Cat

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  6. To cover or not to cover, that is the question? I'm sure Shakespeare would have waxed lyrical on the subject but alas that manuscript did not survive. Maybe best to call it a draw and agree to disagree. Now Bear I do think you have fabulous business acumen, to slap a service charge of $10M was inspired. I'm sure they won't mind at all. If they do you can always refer them to Mr Shark.
    Purrrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha. Mr. Shark. My Momma's rolling on the floor laughing! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. I think you need a self-cleaning litter box so no one will have to cover poop. And maybe let your Mom poop in peace :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. guyz....we iz crackin UP !!!!! de food gurl will never
    bee abe bull ta use de toy let in de same way....ever again !!!
    ☺☺☺☺☺♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We ***ALMOST*** feel sorry for her ;) ~Ellie Mae and Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. Yeah, hoomins really don't like an audience in their litterbox room, do they ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't get the big deal! I mean, unless they start to watch me. Then we have problems. ~Bear Cat

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  10. MOL Mommy says ifin bein' watched while on da human pawdee box is all dat's happenin' awnty Kat, count your blessings. She says I's, da sweetest RaenaBelle ever is far worse. I's not know what she's talkin' 'bout. And Bear, trust me, you wanna stay far away from a girly in da pawdee box. Sis Dezi can be quite da tigress when cornered in da box. Good luck,. big hugs

    Luvs ya'

    Raena and Dezi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We don't believe that you're anything but sweet, RaenaBelle ;)

      Delete
  11. Your silly Momma.... humans can't go in the bathroom alone. Ever! Kitties must supervise, and you both did a wonderful job.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The only time we come in the bathroom when the lady or big guy is using it is when we're hungry. Pierrot does love to watch, ahem, toilet contents being flushed. He's a boy. 'Nuff said.

    The lady was laughing picture Ellie staring at MK intently as she does her business. "What's taking so long? This is kind of boring." MOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Watching a flush IS oddly mesmerizing ... ;) ~Bear Cat

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  13. You are right Bear - the bathroom is where the human keeps the tasty whole chickens!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. too funny and I can tell from the photos that you seem to be getting along quite well, in spite of the litter war!! catchatwithcarenandcody

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're working on it. First thing in the morning is still kind of tough.

      Delete
  15. Hey, Ellie. Just be glad Bear hasn't tried to climb in the litter box when you're in there doing your business. Ernie did that to me once. Now that's rude! ~Wally

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Err ... I did that to Kitty a couple times. I thought she needed help! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  16. Privacy is a fleeting feeling when you have fur-kids. 😇

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess I got spoiled that Bear grew bored of the bathroom thing ;)

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  17. Learning to share your momma must be hard, Bear. Sadly, I don't have a lineup of cats waiting for my lap. Your momma is so lucky to have Ellie...and you too, of course!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I couldn't get my comment to post last night, I don't know why. Now I've forgotten what I was going to say! I think it was something about how sometimes you just have to close the bathroom door, even when there is whining on the other side of it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Privacy is overrated, isn't it Bear?! If Ellie is fascinated with the human potty, then maybe she could train herself to use it? Then you wouldn't have to share your boxes, Bear. Girls kitties tend to be a little more finicky than us boys anyway. Your sis is a pretty one. Does she have any suitors? Tee hee hee.

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  20. Is there such a thing as pooping without being watched? I'm pretty sure I haven't pooped alone in years. LOL

    I love EM, she sure gives Bear a run for his money!

    ReplyDelete