Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Bear: The Musical

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

BC: {grooming himself} You're ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES A TORTIE! And I LOOOOOOOOOOVE ...

{Pause}
BC: HUH?!?
{Pause}
BC: I hear ... THE DISHWASHER'S DONE!!!
{Bear Cat runs to the kitchen}
BC: Momma! MOMMA?!?!?! MoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmMMMA! My food bowl is clean!
MK: GET OFF THE COUNTER!
BC: Sheesh! You see EVERYTHING - even when you're on the other side of the house!
MK: BEAR! Don't make me come in there!
BC: Err ... I mean ... I'm not on the counter.
{CRASH!!!}
MK: Oh?
BC: It wasn't me! A tasty whole chicken just flew through the kitchen and knocked your glass off the counter!
MK: Chickens don't fly.
BC: WHOA! I saw an ALIEN chicken!!! Or a mutated chicken? A freak of nature? Hmmm. Kind of hard to tell since it was flying so fast. NOOOOO! It was a chicken shot out of a cannon! You lied and said we didn't have a chicken cannon!
{Momma walks into the kitchen to find Bear on the counter}
BC: Ruh ro!
{Pause}
MK: BEAR!
BC: The chicken had another fly by and I got up here to try to catch it! I wasn't on the counter before! I swear! I'm telling you, flying chickens are dangerous and I was trying to save you!
{Pause}
BC: But HEY! Since I'm up here, maybe you could fill my food and water bowls?

MK: Get down!
BC: Make me!
MK: Grrrr ...
BC: MROOOOOW!!!!!

MK: OWW!
BC: Don't you think you should be spending your time unloading the dishwasher instead of trying to get me off the counter? My food and water bowls are clean!
MK: {sigh}. I used to never give in. I used to hang in there with the best of them ... and then Bear happened. It's like he's broken my resolve to win.
BC: I HAPPENED! And the world will never be the same. BOO-YAH!
{Momma opens the cabinet to unload the dishwasher ... bends over to gather up the clean dishes ... and straightens up to find Bear in the cupboard}
MK: Bear! Just because you're not actually ON the counter anymore doesn't mean it's a more appropriate place for you to hang out. Now move!

BC: But I'm just looking around! I've never been up here before!
MK: I can't unload the dishwasher when you're in the place where the dishes go.
BC: La de da ... hmm hmm hmm ... what does this do? 

BC: BADA-BING! WHOA! This is ALMOST better than my cat tree!

MK: The longer you screw around in the cabinet, the longer it's going to be before you get your bowls back.
BC: What?!?! RATS! RATS RATS RATS RATS RATS!
{Bear jumps out of the cabinet back to the counter where Momma set the stack of dishes while she waited for Bear to vacate the cabinet}
BC: Hmmm ... these are the plates for my wet food treat! You could slip me a little somethin' somethin' EXTRA you know! HEEEEEEEEE-EY! I mean the plates are out already ...
MK: That's it!
{Momma walks away and then walks back to the kitchen with camera in hand ... with The Boy a foot ahead of her}
BC: Uh oh!
The Boy: Hey, Bear! Can I pet you?
BC: Wuh woe! Gotta go, gotta go. Got to get off the counter before Momma records this moment for posterity. No photographic evidence! NOPE! BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Boy: Hahahaha. You can't remove him physically, but he runs for cover when the camera comes out.
BC: {bursting into song in the other room}
Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
{Pause}
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they torture you?
{Pause}
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they won't share food with you?
{Pause}
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they ignore you?
{Pause}
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they're mean to you?
{Pause}
MK: {from the other room} Not AGAIN.
Bad boys, bad boys.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when Momma comes for you?
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when she won't give your food bowl back!
MK: Bad kitties, bad kitties.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when Momma catches you?
BC: I TOLD YOU! I was trying to take out the flying chicken! 
MK: Let me guess ... the flying chicken was followed by a flying pig?
BC: Pigs fly? Because your piggy bank DEFINITELY did not. It crashed.
MK: It had help.
BC: SEE?!?!? And you say I never help with anything!
{Silence}
BC: {To the tune of Chamillionaire's "Ridin'"}
She see me rollin'.
She hatin'.
Patrolling she tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
My meow so loud,
I'm swangin'.
She hopin' that she gon' catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
{Pause}

BC: Momma thinks see can see me lean,
I'm slick so it’s not easy to be seen.
When she sees me ride by she can see the glean,
And the sharpness of my claws, always pristine.
Ride with my tabby furs, I’m so sexy,
The torties suffer apoplexy.
They turn their heads without a meow,
All other mancats they disavow.
Just want to have some fun, kittens aren’t part of the plan,
Make them meow because I’m such a man.
Laws of patrolling, mean Momma hates me.
My tabby stripes are turned all the way up to the max,
Better watch out, you won’t expect when Bear attacks.
The Boy: Hahahahahahaha. That's awesome! He could be a rapper!
BC: Uh oh. Momma! DON'T!
MK: A couple years ago, he announced he was going to be a cat rapper. Tagline? "I drop more than beats!"
BC: You LOVE to tell this story! How embarrassing!
The Boy: I don't get it!
MK: Instead of cat rapper, he wanted to be called a crapper ... dropping more than beats.
BC: It sounded better in my head!
The Boy: You can say that again!
BC: IT SOUNDED BETTER IN MY HEAD!
{Silence}
BC: {hearing The Boy moving around in the kitchen}.
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

BC: Did you plug in the toaster?
{Bear jumps on the counter}
BC: HEY! There's something in the toaster that doesn't belong there!

The Boy: WHAT?!?!
BC: Here! In this slot! I can't fit my paw in there with this in it!
The Boy: That's my toast!
BC: That's not what you use a toaster for!
MK: BEAR! Get OFF the counter!
BC: I'm waiting in line to use MY toaster!

MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm killing two tasty whole chickens with one swipe of my claws. I can supervise you filling my bowls AND I'm waiting to use the toaster since it's finally plugged in.
MK: And why can't I keep it plugged in all the time?
BC: Because you don't use the toaster for what it's made to do! That doesn't require a power cord!
MK: It's dangerous to stick your paw in there when it's plugged in!
BC: But you come running and give me attention!
MK: Because I'm trying to keep you from being hurt!
BC: Phht. A toaster is no match for Bear Cat.
MK: Bear ... I had to help you get the toaster unstuck from your paw!
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm. While I wait ...

{To the tune of the Beach Boys' "I Get Around"}
Round round get around, I get around, yeah.
(Get around round round I get around, ooh-ooh) I get around.
From counter to counter (get around round round I get around).
I'm a real sex pot (get around round round I get around).
Resist me, ladies cannot. (get around round round I get around).
{Pause}
BC: I’m getting bugged walking up, down, and around my stage,
I’m the shark when my furry fury gets engaged.
Call me Princess Buttercup of the Forest,
Leave me alone and I’m far from the sorest.
{Pause}
BC: I get around (get around round round I get around).
From town to town (get around round round I get around).
I'm a real cool head (get around round round I get around).
I'm makin' real good bread (get around round round I get around).
{Pause}
BC: I get around (round, get around-round-round, ooh).
(Wah-wah-ooh).
(Wah-wah-ooh).
(Wah-wah-ooh).
MK: Oh for the ...
{The toast pops up from the toaster ... while Bear is sitting next to the toaster}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's after me! It's after me! It's the deranged flying chicken! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear ends up under the bed ... again}

BC: Momma! Kill that chicken! I'm NOT coming out until you kill that deranged chicken!
The Boy: You think I can't kill a deranged chicken?
BC: Phht. Everyone knows Mommas are better at that kind of thing. 
MK: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TWO?!?! There is NO deranged chicken!
The Boy: On second thought, stay there. I can finally eat my dinner in peace.
BC: WHAT?!?!?!

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36 comments:

  1. Bear, I was really grooving with all your songs and raps. MOL on the chicken fly by! I want to know how it's your fault that a flying chicken broke your momma's glass.

    Your dish cupboard looks fun to hang out in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EXACTLY! Like I have any control over a deranged flying chicken! I think my Momma just likes blaming me for everything around here! My name is well worn out! ~Bear Cat

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  2. I think you made a good counter argument Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Bear, that toaster is pretty darn scary. What a great singer you are for sure . Love your songs. You all have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! My Momma says I'm a natural showman! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  4. You have your very own bagel toasting machine? I'm so jelly
    Mom loved your pink tongue in the first photo
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Momma doesn't appreciate that tongue in her ear when I'm trying to wake her up ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. Oh Bear, chickens can fly, so it could well have been a chicken dat knocked dat glass of da counter. After all, dat's a nice clean break. Ifin you'd have done it, it would'a shattered all over da place. Hope you get somethin' nommy to eat soon. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They CAN fly? I KNEW IT! I TOTALLY saw that chicken! But you're right ... that break happened in the dishwasher and Momma thought it would be funny to take a picture of me with the three pieces. If that glass had broken on the floor, I would've been banned from the premises! My Momma's super over-protective! Had I even raised my paw to paw at those pieces, she'd have taken them away! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. Bear, we can totally see you hitting the concert trail with a load of tortie groupies following your tour!!! Pawsome songs :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have to be my number one groupie, Mudpie ... no compromises! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Bear...if Cody were in the cupboards like you are.......songs or no songs I would have a FIT!! xoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Momma ALWAYS has fits! That's the only time I've been up there and my Momma was so amused, she grabbed the camera. In retrospect maybe she encourages my bad behavior? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. Mommas always wanna spoil our fun. Just meanness, that's what it is.

    ReplyDelete
  9. George has a thing about getting in cabinets, too. But, the toaster! He is obsessed with ours! *ha*

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am surprised you didn't blame The Boy for the broken glass. :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. AMARULA: Bear I love to hear you sing! You are so talented! I know Mudpie is your number one tortie but i am going to imagine that you were singing that first song to me!! You can come over to my house and break dishes anytime!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm singing the song to BOTH of you! Ooooh ... breaking dishes sounds like an awesome date ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. dood...ya dinna heer thiz frum uz but once yur momma and de boy R outta
    de houz....that counterz ALL YURZ !!!! oh, N just sayin...noe matter how it
    getz IN de houz....all chcknz iz ale ee endz ~~~~~~ ♥♥☺☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm. That's a FANTASTIC idea! Then again, one of the best parts of misbehaving is your peeps seeing it ... and them knowing there's nothing they can do about it ;) ~Bear Cat

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  13. You are so talented, Bear!

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  14. Dood, you're KILLIN' it with the tunes! Srsly!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Whoa! Everybuddy thinks they're a rapper. Not bad actually but what's with the tortie love?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Torties are hot ... and trouble. Actually, a lot like you, CK! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  16. Hmm, I just had a brilliant idea! You could form a popular beat combo, with you on vocals and Momma and the Boy on strings and woodwind. Actually I had two great ideas, hows about getting that toaster to do some proper work, and commission Tasty Chicken Pop Tarts!? All the tasty, and none of the hassle. Also they won't fly anywhere if chased.... unless you take to a cat tree that is.
    Purrs, ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are there mouse pop tarts? I might need your recipe for the pastry ... my Momma's hopeless with cooking! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  17. Is that a regular toastin' bread topped with tasty whole chickens kind of toaster, or is a toaster transporter, OR... Or is it both? Inquirin' minds wanna know. purrs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait, wait, wait!!! TRANSPORTER?!?!? I KNEW Momma was keeping something from me ... time to experiment! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  18. Bear, you'd definitely make a great cat crapper...dropping more than beats. :-)

    ReplyDelete