Friday, May 26, 2017

A Momma's Boy {mostly}

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

{The front door opens}

BC: You're home! You're home! Pet me! PET ME! Pet me now! Ooooooooh, I LOOOOOOOOVE you!
The Boy: {thinking Bear's talking to him} Hahahahaha. He missed me while I was gone to pick you up from the airport! See? All it takes is a few days of me feeding him, a few french fries ...
BC: My Momma's home! My Momma's home! I love you, Momma! I LOVE YOU, MOMMA! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy! Momma's home! I'm so glad you're back from the BlogPaws Conference! You were almost gone forever! Pick me up! PEEEEEET ME!
{Momma sits on the floor and cuddles Bear}

{Pause as The Boy reaches down to pet Bear as Bear's snuggling with Momma}
BC: {giving The Boy a dirty look} WHAT DO YOU WANT? Do you mind? Momma and I are busy here! 

The Boy: What? I fed you! I gave you treats! And french fries! And HALF the can of wet food! 
MK: You gave him french fries?!
BC: YES! And bacon. And chicken. And HALF a can for my wet food treat - instead of your miserly one-fourth.
The Boy: {looking at two very ticked off looking faces} WHAT?!?!
BC: Why are you still here? Momma's home! You're dismissed. And keep an eye out for my evaluation of your performance.
The Boy: But I'm the one that fed you and scooped your litter box for the past four days!

BC: Phht. Momma's are better than treats and french fries COMBINED!
{Momma snickers}
BC: RATS! I HATE YOU!
MK: That didn't last long.
BC: My love can't be bought!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... CHEAPLY!
The Boy: Me and my boy! Hanging ...
BC: Who are you?  You're no longer needed around here!
The Boy: I fed you! I didn't brush your teeth or torture you like your Momma does!
BC: Phht. The food didn't taste the same when YOU gave it to me. I bet you fed me your cereal and took my kibble for yourself. Admit it! You stole my kibble for yourself because Momma left you several prepared meals.  My kibble's GOT to be better than Momma's cooking ... and my kibble isn't even REAL food!
MK: HEY!
The Boy: But we're buddies!
BC: Phht. Isn't it obvious that we're NOT since I hissed at you every time you tried to touch me?
The Boy: I don't know about EVERY time. Wait a ...
BC: Have you noticed that I don't EVER hiss at my Momma?
MK: That's true. Only when I'm trying to get you back inside ... or one time when I was clipping your claws. 
BC: He was TOUCHING me!
MK: I'm sorry, Bear. Can you forgive me for leaving you here with The Boy?
The Boy: What about me?!?! I had to put up with a hissing pain in the butt full of furry fury! You should be more concerned about whether I'LL forgive you for leaving me with him! 
MK: {ignoring The Boy} Bear! You're the one that ran away before I left when I tried to say good-bye to you! You hid in your cat tree corner where I can't reach you!

BC: And then you ALMOST left without saying good-bye! I can't believe you'd leave without saying good-bye to me!
MK: Awww. You were hoping I wouldn't leave if I couldn't say good-bye.
BC: OBVIOUSLY. If you don't say good-bye, you can't leave me!
The Boy: HEY! This is ridiculous! What about m ...
BC: {ignoring The Boy} So where's my award? OBVIOUSLY we won for Best Cat Blog at the Nose-to-Nose Awards!
The Boy: I should leave you two alone.
BC: FINALLY! I thought you'd need a neon sign for you to reach that conclusion! BYE!!!

The Boy: But ...
BC: Anyway ... before we were rudely interrupted ... you were going to present me with our award!
MK: Err ...
BC: Did you break it?
MK: Err ...
BC: Did you sit on it and break it like you sat on the ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Hey. I TOLD you not to eat so many doughnuts. You're lucky you haven't cat caked me! Well, except for that one ...
MK: We didn't win.
BC: Of course I did.
MK: Ummm ... nope.
BC: Well, you lost of course ... because you're not a cat ... much less a best cat.
MK: Another blog won ...
BC: So wait a ... you left me for FOUR DAYS with the moron and you LOST this for us? YOU'RE FIRED!!!

MK: I'm your Momma! You can't fire me! Besides ... I'm better than treats and french fries ... remember?
BC: I'm Bear Cat Kat! I can do whatever I want.
MK: Because I've never heard THAT before!
BC: I knew it! You don't listen to me! I'm Bear Cat Kat! I can do whatever I want.
MK: {sigh}. Maybe we should just be happy to be named a finalist?
BC: You're right!
{Pause}
BC: I'm never going to win partnered up with you! I bet The Boy could write better ... no. I can't even say that with a straight face. I'M SCREWED!

MK: And besides, what REALLY matters is that I had fun ...
BC: You had fun WITHOUT me? You had fun while I was stuck with The Boy? 
MK: Bear, ten years ago, I couldn't even imagine being where we are today. 
BC: Phht. You couldn't imagine being a loser? I can imagine that! Oh, wait! I don't HAVE to imagine that! You ARE a loser!
MK: I meant that I couldn't imagine living this life. I couldn't imagine feeling loved. I couldn't imagine being recognized for making people laugh - for passing on just a tiny measure of the happiness you bring me. I couldn't imagine LIVING instead of just surviving! All of that ... how much we love and need each other ... that is better than any award. That is our gift - but it's also our responsibility to pass it on - to help others smile and love and live more fully.
BC: Oh, BROTHER. THIS again! If you cry ... 
MK: Ten years ago, I was a ninety pound anorexic not sure I wanted to live in a world teeming with an abundance of human cruelty. I almost died more times than I can count ... I was miserable ... I was broken and defeated ... I was without hope. And then a tiny homeless kitten came into my life and changed everything.

BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, not EVERYTHING ... I mean, you are still broken ... and incompetent ... and a loser.
MK: And then, two and a half years ago, TWO HOURS after I published our very first blog post, I felt the lump on your back. I couldn't imagine continuing to blog.
BC: Phht. That was nothing.
MK: Yes, but I didn't know that for a little over a week ... after a long surgery to remove it and the vet reconsidering his initial opinion that it wasn't a vaccination site sarcoma. I was sure I was going to lose everything that mattered to me. I couldn't imagine living without you. I couldn't imagine how I could blog when everything that brought me joy and love was gone. We walked out of the vet's office and you had an eight inch incision down your back.
BC: Don't forget that they stole my beautiful furs! Or that you manhandled me for MONTHS after that! Even after the vet told you more tumors wouldn't grow ... you were always TOUCHING me! You woke me up to feel me up!

MK: I thought your tumor was karma for me standing up to share all that's good about my life with others. I thought that by blogging - and almost bragging about you - that I was being smacked down for standing up and not hiding. My entire life, I've hidden and been scared to stand up to avoid making myself a target.
BC: SMACK DOWN? I smack you down ALL THE TIME!
MK: And then last year when I was ready to quit blogging because we were virtually ignored ... I nominated us for the BlogPaws' Nose-to-Nose Awards - sure that I would never get recognition. I told myself I'd have justification for quitting if I wasn't a finalist - though a tiny percent of me hoped I was wrong.
BC: Don't remind me! You e-mailed the person who e-mailed you about being named a finalist - making sure it wasn't a mistake that we were named a finalist! And you tried to tell them that you're an extreme introvert and couldn't manage going to the conference ... even though most pet bloggers ARE introverts!
MK: But I didn't e-mail them this year when we ended up as a finalist in the Best Cat Blog category.
BC: Let me see ... how many things did you do to embarrass me THIS year? You're still socially awkward so people assume you don't actually want to be there. You're not exactly entertaining or fun - so they'd choose anyone else to spend time with! I should've written an apology for you to hand out with our business card!

MK: I don't always know what to say! I love spending time with other pet bloggers at the Conference - and they mean so much to me - but I feel like I'm constantly letting everyone down! I'm sure they'd rather talk to ANYONE ELSE BUT me!
BC: You can talk. That's for sure. I usually tune you out after a few lines of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ... Sheesh. When you talk, you take the scenic route ... only it's NOT scenic!
MK: And people kept telling me how funny we are ... how well I bring out your personality. It confuses me because it doesn't make sense.
BC: Like THAT never happens!
MK: The compliments mean so much to me - push me to believe that I do have something to offer the world. The first hundred compliments ... I think people are just being nice. The next hundred ... I'm just royally confused. The hundred after that ... I can't help but think that maybe people really do like us.
BC: ME! They like me! You're just ... just ... THERE.
MK: Then, after the first few hundreds of compliments, I'm sure that with that quantity of positive feedback, people are just confusing us with another blog ... a GOOD blog.
BC: We're NEVER going to win. And I'm stuck with you! I DEFINITELY should've made all potential Mommas fill out my adoption application! I was hungry and went with what was available ... and our blog SUCKS! Well, YOUR part of the blog sucks. I'm always FANTASTIC!
MK: There were a lot of cool cats at the Conference!
BC: You went cat fan girl again didn't you?

MK: Errr ...
BC: Those poor people. You stalked anyone there who brought their cats. You asked a bajillion questions about other bloggers' cats, right?
MK: HEY! These are the blogs I read several times a week! I fall in love with the cats and often have lots of questions about what they're like in real life. I can't learn enough!
BC: Phht. They're CATS! Cats are ALWAYS awesome! What else do you need to know? How embarrassing! My Momma ... cat groupie. My Momma ... cat fan girl. My Momma ... cat obsessed.  You fall in love with so many cats and then you pester people with hundreds of questions about their kitties.
MK: It's kind of weird. I never cared much for actors of musicians outside of their performances ... never was obsessed or impressed with a celebrity ... but I become a cat blogger and I make up for lost time!
BC: The best thing I can say is that you're a work in progress.
MK: What never changes is that I love you. You saved my life - make me laugh - taught me to live - and showed me that it's okay to hide sometimes. It means so much to me that people love you too - for reading what I share. OH! Guess what? I did win something! Look at this cool t-shirt I won!

{Stunned silence}
MK: Isn't it ...
BC: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!!! I lose and you win? That's not fair! {Narrowing his eyes} Did you steal that from the real winner? Because there's no way you WON a HWK. HWK ... "World's Best Cat (HCCCKK) Mom" HWACK! T-shirt! No one ever asked MY opinion! 
MK: Bear! You almost threw up that hairball on my new shirt!
BC: You're lucky my aim was off. I was aiming for the shirt. Let me guess ... you were the only one who entered? You had to get this by mistake. Because, well, you just left me with The Boy for four days ... and that's just for starters!  Best cat mom my stinky butt!
The Boy: So you admit your butt is ...
MK: I won it in a drawing!
BC: Not likely. You can't draw! So you did steal it!
MK: NO! A raffle type of drawing where they pick names to determine who wins!
BC: This shirt needs some work!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH! 
{Bear pulls the shirt down off the table from which it hangs for Momma to photograph ... meanwhile tipping the table enough that the contents of the table and the cans of food holding the t-shirt up fall off the table}
BC: You booby trapped it!! It's time to get to work and fix this shirt. Truth in advertising and everything! 
{Bear huddles over the shirt in concentration}

BC: Uh huh. Hmmm. A little over here ... a little ...

BC: Tada!

MK: "World's WORST Cat Mom." BEAR!
BC: You don't like it?
MK: I can't be the WORST cat mom!
BC: Hmmm ... if The Boy were a girl ... I'd agree ... he/she'd be the worst cat mom. Okay. Give me another minute.
{Bear leans over the shirt again ...}
BC: {Bear sings as he works ...} She's ONCE ... TWICE ... THREE TIMES a tortie. And I LOOOOOOVE ...

BC: TADA!
MK: "World's Best Cat Dom?"

BC: You live in my domain - AKA, cat-dom. I have the best cat-dom! 
{Pause}
BC: No wait ... THE BOY is here ... give me another moment ...
{A few minutes pass}
BC: TADA!

MK: '"World's Best Cat" Mom'?

BC: The implication is that you're the MOM of the World's Best Cat!
MK: Oh, for the LOVE ...
The Boy: HEY! At least he lets YOU touch him!
BC: That's right, dumbnuts! I'm a Momma's boy ... and don't you forget it!
MK: AWWWWWWW.
BC: RATS!
The Boy: With all the love-y stuff between you two, I'm starting to think neither of you would notice if I disappeared!
BC: Don't be ridiculous! I'd notice because, if you disappeared, I'd have Momma all to myself! Game. Set. Match. BOO-YAH.
The Boy: What am I? Chopped liver?
BC: I WISH!!!!
{Pause}
BC: But I'd prefer you be chopped tasty whole chicken. Just saying.

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52 comments:

  1. We were SO glad when Mommy came home! Lexy met her at the door and I ran under the bed. She was making so much noise with those big suitcases that it scared me! But then I came out and gave her kisses. Mommy said it was so good to see your Mamma again, and she's looking forward to next year.

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    1. I'm so glad your Momma made it home safe to you and Lexy. I know she loves you both very much. I enjoyed spending more time with your Mom!

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  2. We're sorry you didn't win, but still you had fun there. And we think... Just maybe.... Bear Cat had more fun with The Boy than he's willing to admit. But you didn't hear that from us.

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    1. Bear, we are really proud of you and Momma Kat, it is a huge honor to be nominated. Momma Kat didn't lose the award but she did find a big bunch of friends. My Dad lost his mind so maybe that counts for something!

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    2. I might've had fun ... messing with him anyway ;) ~Bear Cat

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    3. Thank you, Brian! Your support and friendship means more than any nomination or award! And Momma enjoyed spending time with your Dad!

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  3. Bear, am thinking that you and our Patty O'Malley are clones of each other! You look alike, and certainly act alike! I love my Patty so very much, and he's always sticking his stinky butt in my face. Your momma's t-shirt is great, and being a finalist is fabulous! I was too scared to even enter any contest, and talked myself out of going to this year's BlogPaws. Guess I'd better save up my pennies for next year.

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    1. Momma was super scared of both too! The first year, she nominated herself only because she was so sure she wouldn't win - she wanted an excuse to quit blogging. And she's a complete introvert and hasn't been treated well by large groups of people. Luckily, BlogPaws is different in that people are so friendly and welcoming. If Momma can help or encourage you in any way ... please e-mail us! She'll answer questions and help however she can! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Bear, your momma is so hard on herself. You should be nicer to her. Your blog (and by "your" I mean yours and hers TOGETHER) is hilarious and touching. And I'm gonna say it...Your momma is probably like 95% of the reason behind that... Do you hate me now? I hope she realizes how wonderful she is. I'm sorry I didn't get to see her this year, but hopefully again at a future conference! And by the way, we're all a work in progress - which I think is a good thing. Now, go give your momma a hug from me. And kitty kisses from Dexter, Olive and Sophie. Please and thank you. :-)

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    1. Well, if you're twisting my paw ... yeah, Momma isn't so bad. She missed you and your smiling face at the conference. Your comments mean so much given how much my Momma admires you! Thank you! ~Bear Cat

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  5. It's a huge deal to be named a finalist for the Nose-to-Nose Awards, and we are super proud of you. Your blog is great, and for what it's worth ... that shirt Momma Kat won is right on. Glad she had a fun time at BlogPaws (and glad she made it home safely)! :)

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    1. Thank you! We're so lucky to have such wonderful friends cheer us on!! Truly ... your words mean so much.

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  6. I have it on good authority from my assistant, ERin v0.5, that your mom is pretty awesome, and was out there networking for your brand and trying to wrangle tasty chickens for you every day, unlike my peep who just ate all day, AND didn't bring me anything back at all. Worse still, peep didn't bring back anything for the Kraken, and she was so hoping to get one of those massive Nip Sea cucumber! Oh boy, there'll be trouble tonight in the moat when she finds out!
    Purrs, ERin

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    1. You should sell admission for Peep vs. The Kraken ... you could make enough money to buy all the things your Peep SHOULD have brought back for you. Oh, and don't hurt your Peep ... Momma quite likes him and he's a true friend! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Bear, you and your Mom have a great blog and I really enjoy reading it and get a good laugh every time I read it. We are so glad she started blogging about you. Give your Mom a big hug for us and stop biting her.

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    1. That means so much to us - thank you. It truly means the world to us. ~Bear Cat

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  8. We know you are glad to have your mom back home...BECAUSE we expect she is the ;eader and everybuddy follows her lead and it is hard when the leader is missing.
    Hugs madi and mom

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    1. I like to complain about her ... but she's not THAT bad ... and she's DEFINITELY better than The Boy! My Mom's never been called a leader ... hopefully she won't get any ideas ;) ~Bear Cat

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  9. The head peep was so happy she got to meet Momma Kat at BlogPaws! You know, Bear, while you were living it up with treats and french fries, we are pretty sure Momma Kat missed you, too. You should have seen the expression on her face when she talked about you. You're one lucky cat to have a Momma like her... especially if you can have a Momma like that *and* get French fries.

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    1. I like to complain about her ... but she's not THAT bad ... and she's DEFINITELY better than The Boy! You should see her face when she's talking about Newton, Pierre and Ashton! She told me all about Ashton's chicken emporium and got some pictures with the glass ... stay tuned! ~Bear Cat

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  10. AMARULA: Ha ha! But Bear -- you can tell me the truth--don't you think love can be bought sometimes? I know I would even be nice to Frodo if I got a whole tasty chicken! Glad you mom made it back safe! Give the Boy a bite on the ankle from me!

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    1. But Frodo will still be Frodo! Chickens and money come and go ... being stuck with the psycho for life is a completely different story! ~Bear Cat

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  11. We love your blog, and we bet you don't think one word you told your mom about not winning the award. It's already so amazing being nominated ! We know you were glad to have your mom back ! Purrs

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    1. Thank you ... that means so much to us. I like to complain about Momma ... but she's not THAT bad ... and she's DEFINITELY better than The Boy! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Hey Bear! Where can I get one of your evaluation forms? I'm thinking it might come in handy to help my humans improve their purrformances. And by the way, I do think your mom deserves that tee shirt. My ears are still tingling from the wonderpurr massage she gave me at Blogpaws. Don't be jealous. I'm sure she gives you even better massages. Purrrs!!!

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    1. Stay tuned ... I'm working on it ... but it's going to be one of a kind! She hasn't stopped talking about you Herman! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Wait, what? Demand a recount or at least re-check the electoral college. 😇Congrats at being nominated...it's still a super honor. Welcome back to your mama. Now treat her like you really missed her, Bear.

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    1. We should! Thank you :) I like to complain about her ... but she's not THAT bad ... and she's DEFINITELY better than The Boy! ~Bear Cat

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  14. You may not have brought home the trophy but you're winners in our eyes! Being a Finalist for Best Cat Blog is a HUGE achievement and don't ever forget that! Love your new shirt too :)

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    1. Thank you! That means so much to us --- especially coming from you two! Which shirt did you like best? ;)

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  15. Aww look at you being a cuddly kitty! Adorable photos little one :)

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    1. Thank you! Cuddly and adorable ... with fangs and claws ;) ~Bear Cat

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  16. Oh that photo of Bear at the door is priceless and I nearly died laughing at: "Why are you still here? Momma's home! You're dismissed. And keep an eye out for my evaluation of your performance." Love that Bear!!!! NO ONE can take the place of Mama! xoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

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    1. Nope. I like to complain about her ... but she's not THAT bad ... and she's DEFINITELY better than The Boy! ~Bear Cat

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  17. We think being nominated for Best Cat Blog is amazing. Truly! Also, it's very fitting and well deserved. We love your blog and reading about Bear who always makes us laugh. I can imagine how scary it was to have found that lump on Bear's back.

    Bear, we think Momma Kat is very kind and should never feel that she isn't worthy although the lady definitely understands insecurities.

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    1. Thank you! I'm in awe of your kindness and honesty and it means the world to us that we are appreciated by the people (and cats) who matter most! Thank you for being amazing friends!

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  18. HAH! I do that to Pop every time TW comes home. I turn my back on him. TW met MK and I bet they talked about us. Hope you've gotten some of that swag. I'm still waiting. Uh, what are French fries?

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    1. French fries are greasy stinkiness ... not nearly as nummy as fish! I'm sure my Momma asked TW tons of questions about you ... you are one of her very favorites CK! ~Bear Cat

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  19. Bear, we have it on good authority (the mom0 that your Momma was thinking of you all the time while she was at BlogPaws. And she did bring you lots of stuff, didn't she? Check out the swag...there's a pawsome nip nanner in it.

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    1. The nanner is the best part! My Momma's too cheap to buy me one! And I have LOTS of new micey too! SCORE! ~Bear Cat

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  20. Since we're newer blog friends, I feel like there's so much I didn't know about you and your Mom and all you've been through, Bear. I wish I'd had more time to chat with her at the conference! You both deserved that award, but it truly is an honor to just be a finalist. You should both be proud. ♥

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  21. We love your blog and reading about how you two met. We're glad you carried on blogging.

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  22. Aaaah, momma's home. Nothing beats the love of a mom. But if you'd treat the boy better, you could have all kinds of extra treats. Try it, Bear.

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    1. Err ... maybe I'll try being nice ... tomorrow ;) ~Bear Cat

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  23. We think you should let the fact that you were a finalist for best cat blog, sink in. It really is a commendable achievement and you should be proud. We are all proud of you! Our Mama understands introverts . .. she doesn't do well in large groups either but Blog Paws lifted her up. Hopefully she will be able to attend next year!

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    1. Momma would LOVE to meet you! We think you're right ... and you're right about what truly matters :)

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  24. Very nice shirt. I am glad you enjoyed BlogPaws and got recognized for the joy you bring to people ( myself included). XO

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  25. Bear, tell your momma that we find her to be so smart and witty. That she cares so much about you and other animals makes her a very good person. Tell her not to be so hard on herself, because she is TALENTED! Me, Mom & your many other friends and blogger fans are so happy that you & your moma have chosen to continue blogging! We look forward to the creative works you write together and we thank you for making us laugh, for laughter is one of the best medicines. And when Mom has a day like yesterday when she doesn't feel so good then she can think of your blog it makes her smile. Thank you for that. Thank you also to your Mom for being so brave & sharing bits of her past, though scarey that must have been. You are Both WINNERS! -Luv, Val

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    1. Thank you! Everything you said means so much to us both. I saved my Momma's life and she tries to pass that on a little bit to our readers. So to hear that we were able to make your Mom laugh and smile ... well, that's the highest compliment we can get! ~Bear Cat

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