Friday, January 12, 2018

Bear vs. Ellie: A showdown

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: Welcome to the feature fight of the night!
MK: Bear, so help me, if you attack the paper towels one more time ...
BC: Hey. It's not MY fault they start it! I just mind my own business and they sit there on the stove MOCKING me behind my back.

MK: Bear ...
BC: This has nothing to do with the paper towels!
MK: Facial tissue box?
BC: No. But one day you're going to regret underestimating the evility of facial tissue boxes. Just saying.
MK: The hand vacuum?
EM: I don't want to fight ... I'm sleepy. I need a stretch ...

{Ellie uses the scratching post to stretch}

BC: In the cat tree corner, weighing in at eighteen claws and four fangs ... BEAR CAT KAT!

BC: And in the cat condo, weighing in at a ton and a half, SMELLIE NEIGH! 
EM: Well, that's not very nice! Why don't you share YOUR weight? Because it's more than mine?!?

BC: I don't like to throw my weight around.
MK: Bear, leave your sister alone.
BC: Phht. She's not my REAL sister, you know. I'll leave my REAL sister alone ...
MK: You can't attack Ellie either.
BC: Well, why didn't you say that instead of talking about all that other nonsense?
MK: Bear, I'm going to bed. BEHAVE. If I have to get out of bed because SOMECAT is being mean to his sister, I'm not going to be happy.
BC: I'll be have if I want to be have.
{Momma sighs and walks away}
EM: I'm also not a smelly horse!
BC: I suppose that's in the eye of the behold ... err ... err ... scent of the ... err ... nose. Oh, WHATEVER!
BC: Get ready to ... GRUMBLE!!!!
EM: You would be the expert ...
BC: FINALLY! It's about time you recognized my genius! Wait ... Momma's in bed?!?! Without me?!?!?!
EM: I think so.
BC: YOU?!?! THINK?!? Hmph. Time for my nightly routine so I can cuddle up to Momma all night.
{Pause as Bear jumps on the bed}
BC: {looking around the bed} No Smellie. Momma's here {Bear nods} ... hmph ... YOU.

The Boy: Yes, Bear. Everyone is where they belong for the night.
BC: Then why are you here? This bed ... with MY Momma ... you don't belong here.
BC: {jumping down from the bed} Whatever.
{Bear goes through his bed-time routine ... ripping up carpet in a couple places ... whacking his sister a few times ... grabbing a bite to eat ... walking up and down the hall on patrol ... using the litter box ... and twenty minutes pass. Bear heads back to the bedroom to snuggle with Momma.}
BC: {seeing his spot on the bed} GASP! Oh, NO. YOU DID NOT. YOU. DID. NOT. just go there.
EM: {groggy} Hmm??
BC: By Momma!! That's MY spot! You don't sleep on that bed. I sleep on that bed! And more specifically, I sleep on that bed in that particular spot next to Momma!
EM: I was here first. You were messing around.
BC: Messing around?! I'm the one that makes sure nothing improper goes on around here overnight! We all stay safe because of my diligence and hard work!
EM: How does ripping up the carpet help?
BC: Move.
EM: No. I want to lay next to my Momma.
BC: MY Momma! You're copying me! You didn't want to lay here until you saw me do it.
MK: Bear, you can share. Or you can lay closer to my head.
BC: Hmph. Share?!?! Momma's aren't meant to be SHARED. I'll just go find a cold, hard corner to sleep in tonight. If you don't see me in the morning, I froze to death and shriveled up to dust.
EM: Have fun with that.

BC: Oh, SHUT UP, dumb Smellie! This isn't the end of it. You've been warned!

The next day ...
{Momma fills the cats' food bowls and puts them out}
BC: OH! Food! Food! This is the best day EV ...
{Bear stops when he sees Ellie eating out of his food bowl}

{Ellie chomps away}
BC: Momma!!! MOMMA!!!!!! MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAA! Ellie's eating MY food! She's slobbering all over the food in MY bowl ...

EM: I am not slobbering!
BC: ARE TOO! Your nose is in MY food bowl!
EM: Well, TECHNICALLY, it's not in your food bowl at this very second. 
BC: Eat out of YOUR OWN bowl! It's less than ten feet away.
EM: I like the food in this bowl.
BC: They're THE SAME food!
BC: MOMMA! MOMMA!!!! Make Ellie eat out of HER bowl!
MK: Bear, eat out of her bowl.
BC: But that food tastes different!
MK: It's the exact same food!
BC: No, it's not! 
EM: A second ago you said ...
BC: Oh, shut up! Who asked you?! I'm keeping an eye on you, Smellie! I just DARE you to eat the whole bowl! I'm starving! And Ellie's in my food ...

EM: I'm not sitting IN your food bowl! I'm just eating out of it. 
BC: Well STOP!!!
MK: Bear! 
BC: I'm starving! I can't wait any more!
MK: Then eat out of the other bowl!
BC: I'll probably die from some girl-carrying girl disease!
MK: If there's a girl-carrying disease around here ... you probably got it from me. I fill the bowls.
BC: Hmph. Smellie Neighs spread disease. Come on! I'm STARVING!
MK: Bear ...
BC: FINE! If I have to eat from the bowl of degenerancy ... of filth ... of uncouth-ity ... HMPH.
{Bear begrudgingly eats from the second bowl ... keeping an eye on Ellie the whole time ... so when she leaves ... he moves in to eat from "his" bowl}
BC: HMPH. This doesn't taste right ... there's a FOUL taste ...
EM: No, there's not!
BC: Do you mind? I'd like some peace and quiet while I eat this contaminated food.
EM: But it's NOT contamina ...
BC: Stop interrupting me while I eat! {AHEM!}

BC: Now! In the case of poor, beleaguered Bear Cat Kat vs. the annoying Smellie Mae ...
BC: {to the tune of "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls}
I know you like me.
(I know you like me.)
I know you do.
(I know you do.)
That's why whenever I come around,
You're on me like glue.
EM: Now just wait a ...
BC: And I know you want me.
(I know you want me.)
It's easy to see.
(It's easy to see.)
At night, when you're all alone,
You dream of sleeping next to me.
EM: That's NOT ...
BC: Don't cha wish your boy was TOO sexy like me?
Don't cha wish your boy was a shark like me?
Don't cha, don't cha?
Don't cha wish your boy toy was wrong like me?
Don't cha wish he was a male princess like me?
Don't cha, don't cha?
BC: Fight your urges.
(Fight your urges.)
Leave me alone.
(Leave me alone.)
'Cause if it isn't lust, its not enough,
To rock a happy home.
EM: Of all the ... this is ridiculous!
BC: Let's keep it civil.
(Let's keep it civil.)
You know I'm the best.
(You know I'm the best.)
Everything is mine. 
But I know she ain't gon' wanna share
I'm Momma's favorite ... I'm so fine.
BC: Don't cha wish your boy was TOO sexy like me?
{Bear does a little butt wiggle}
BC: Don't cha wish your boy was a shark like me?
Don't cha, don't cha?
{Bear flicks his tail}
BC: Don't cha wish your boy toy was wrong like me?
{Bear does a little butt wiggle}
BC: Don't cha wish he was a male princess like me?
Don't cha, don't cha?

{Bear flicks his tail}
The Boy: {walking into the room} What the ...
{Bear does a little butt wiggle}
The Boy: Never mind. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!
EM: That's IT! I've HAD it with your stupid nonsense!
The Boy: What? What'd I do?
EM: Not YOU. {pointing at Bear} HIM!
BC: What?! Oh, I get it ... you just can't handle my awesomeness.
EM: {To the tune of "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon}
You saunter through life and around the house like it's all only yours,
Your butt swinging, prancing, so full of yourself,
What you can't stand is closed doors. 
You have to be in on everything, you watch yourself sashay,
You think girls love you - a sign of your cachet,
The truth? You're NOT ALL THAT.
BC: Now, just wait a minute ... 
EM: You're so vain, you probably think all songs are about you,
You're so vain, I'll bet you think all songs are about you,
Don't you? Don't You?
BC: It's a burden really. It's not my fault I'm THIS ...
EM: You never fooled me with your cuteness act, I'm really not that dumb.
You act like you're THE BEST gift to all cat-kind,
But you don't even have thumbs.
You love your Momma, but that's it ... the rest of us are lost in your $#!+.
Anyone who gets close to you gets bit.
But you don't have much grit.
BC: WHAT?!?! Not much grit?!? I'll show YOU how much ... I'm the SHARK!
EM: You're so vain, you probably think all songs are about you,
You're so vain, I'll bet you think all songs are about you,
Don't you? Don't You?

BC: So it's bad if I think all songs are about me?! So that would make me good if I didn't think ANY songs are about me? Hmph. Because that song OBVIOUSLY ISN'T about me! I AM all that - and a couple bags of catnip!
EM: You prove my point.
BC: I have twenty-two points. So I win.
EM: Not quite. I have the same number.
BC: Phht. Then why don't you use them?
EM: Because I'm a NICE cat.
BC: You mean you're a push over.
EM: I mean I don't go around biting and attacking things just because I get a hair up my butt.
BC: That's not why I attack ...
BC: Oh. You meant figuratively. Whatever. You can't outsmart me.
BC: Being a know-it-all is annoying.
EM: Better than a know-nothing that THINKS he knows everything.
BC: Oh, shut UP!!!

Cast your votes ... who do you think won?!?

Featured posts:


  1. Ooh this is just like the Eurovision Song Contest! Hmmmm, but who to vote for? Has Lithuania entered? Mol
    Ok I vote for whoever is offering free cream!
    Toodle pips

  2. BC, I gotta agree, I never really got used to sharing my mom with Leia, so I know exactly how you feel. - Toby

    1. But Leia's so adorable!!! I can't imagine her ever being a problem! RATS! Little sisters! They convince everyone else of their innocence! ~Bear Cat

  3. I would have loved to have seen your "little butt wiggle" Bear!

    Purrs xx

  4. Sharing sometimes takes some practice, sometimes not, but I do have some extra food and will share!

  5. Why does the food in someone else's bowl always taste better?
    Who won? Momma Kat is in charge (bearly or is that barely?)!
    Maggie, Mickey Mouser, and Rufus the Red

  6. If there is food in a bowl, then Manny and Chili Bruce are going to eat it...whether it's cat food, or human food, or Angel's bowl, or my is food is food!

    1. Usually, I agree ... but I don't like to share! ~Bear Cat

  7. Oh Bear you are in the hot seat in that first photo.
    Ellie that is one nice cat tree!!
    Hugs madi your bfff

  8. Mom won, because she got a great story and some great pictures! And, we won because you are all so cute. Hugs.

    1. Thank you :)
      My Momma snaps enough pictures! THAT'S FOR SURE! ~Bear Cat

  9. Well, if it’s any consolation, we don’t share very well either. Especially food!

  10. Bear, I KNOW how you feel! It was HORRIBLE when Kozmo and Jo Jo were here. They ate out of MY bowl and I hated it! I defended my food bowl with whapping and swats! And it did not stop them (I think my Mom was on their side)

    1. Moms ruin EVERYTHING! But we love them too, right?! ~Bear Cat

  11. Well, we're with Ellie. A beautiful black coat of fur has she and her cat tree is awesome but I guess they have to share. Bear is being a typical male and whinny as all get out. Pick up the pace Bear and join us females in some fun together. You know, if you can't beat us, join us.

    Shoko and Kali

    1. Hehehehe. You tell him! GIRLS RULE!!!! ~Ellie Mae

  12. The food is always better from someone else's bowl :) I thought you two were getting along better? XO

  13. Nopawdy ever wins a fight. We're sure there's purrlenty of room on hte bed fur both of ya'. Ifin you can fit your mommy and the boy, then you've got a bigger bed than we do and we manage to fit on the same bed. Me has a spot next to mommy and Raena has a spot next to mommy. Mommy has the edge of the bed and it works out great. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    1. The edge?!?! The WHOLE edge?!? That's generous of you girls! ;) Hehehehe. ~Bear Cat

  14. I like both songs. Is a tie possible?

    Pierrot loves the dry food I give Annie in the evening. She gets hers in the bedroom and he gets his on the kitchen ledge (at his insistence). He loves her food so much more.

    All the pics are great, but I must say the pic of Ellie in the blanket with her head titled is especially wonderful.

    1. We agree! She knows how to work it ... when she wants to!

  15. Gotta give it to the little lady. 🐱 She knows how to rock.

  16. We lost track of the score somewhere along the way.....However, we do have to say that the addition of "You're So Vain" by Ellie, was pretty classic. Sorry, Bear. :)

    1. {Sigh} It's okay ... she kind of won that part :) ~Bear Cat

  17. It always comes down to food, doesn't it? And why is it that the food in the OTHER kitty's bowl is better???

    1. ***THAT*** is the quintessential question of the house-cat.

  18. Dexter likes to sneak food from the other bowls, too! And that Sophie, I have to be quick to pick up the other food dishes because she has a food allergy. See, Bear, it happens in all houses - not just yours. Does that help any?

    1. Hmph. You mean I need a sister with a food allergy?! How do I find one of those?! ~Bear Cat

  19. Lexy always tastes the food in my bowl! And she has her own bowl. What's up with that?

    1. Sisters suck. That's the only explanation! ~Bear Cat

  20. AMARULA: I so agree with you Bear about sharing!! And it's not just momma's that aren't meant to be shared! I strive to share NOTHING (except my claws) with Frodo and Zulu!!!

    1. Hehehehe. I bet you share your claws and fangs well, sexy tortie-babe! ~Bear Cat

  21. Well I'll say it again, you can always send your sisfur to me, 'cause I'd like another kitty to play with. And Mom has a lot of purr-actice vacuuming up all black furr tufts around the house. Tee he hee.

    1. What a little extra black fur among friends, right?!