Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Heavy artillery {and Christmas}

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance


BC: Welcome one ... welcome all ... to BEAR'S THIRD ANNUAL CHRISTMAS SHOW!
{Silence}
BC: No clapping? No whistles? No chanting my name?!? I'm a STAR! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALL YOU?!?! A star of my caliber should have mosh pits and roadies and unchecked debauchery!
{Silence ... and a waft of snores}
BC: How rude! Sheesh, Humans are LAZY. I tell you, every time I turn around, they're SLEEPING.
{Pause}
BC: {jumping on the bed} MOMMA! MOMMA!
MK: Wha?
BC: IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!

MK: {sitting up quickly} What's wrong? Is Ellie okay?
BC: Now that I have your attention ... wait a ... YOU ONLY ASKED ABOUT ELLIE?! What am I? Chopped liver? No matter. THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
MK: Show? What show?
BC: {AHEM} Welcome one ... welcome all ... to BEAR'S THIRD ANNUAL CHRISTMAS SHOW!
MK: {sigh} Can't we do this tomorrow? Christmas is a week away.
BC: But I want to do it ...
{LOUD SNORING}
BC: How rude! I'll show him!
{Bear hops on The Boy's chest}
The Boy: Wha? Umm ... HUH! I'm having a heart attack! I'm having a heart attack! Call 911!
BC: Hahahahaha. That never gets old.
The Boy: You can't be serious.
BC: Serious like a heart attack! GET IT?! Hahahahahahahahaha.
The Boy: What do you want, Bear?
BC: The talent is ready.
The Boy: What talent?!
BC: What talent ... You're clearly new to this.
The Boy: I don't suppose you're going to allow me to remain that way.
BC: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR-ING!
The Boy: If no sharks and being able to sleep through the night is boring ... sign me up!
BC: Are you ready?
The Boy: For what?
BC: I. CAN'T. HEAR. YOU!!!
The Boy: FOR. WHAT?!?!
BC: Dumbnuts. I HEARD that. It's part of my show! It's supposed to pump everyone up with excitement.

The Boy: There aren't a whole lot of things I can be excited about at three in the morning.
BC: Hmph. Only because you've never found a tasty whole chicken at three in the morning!
The Boy: Technically, neither have you. You just found a bit of chicken I accidentally dropped on the floor while eating my dinner.
BC: Last week it was, "BEAR! It's one in the morning!!!" The week before it was, "BEAR! It's four in the morning!!!" A month ago it was, "BEAR! It's midnight!!!" I'm starting to get the idea that you don't prefer my shows to be in prime time.
The Boy: Prime time is roughly between 7pm and 10pm.
BC: NO! I was talking about MY prime time.
MK: Just let him ...
The Boy: I'm going back to sleep!
BC: MAKE. MY. DAY. I'm the SHARK!
The Boy: OWWW!
BC: That's what I thought.
MK: {sigh} Just go along with it ... the faster we acquiesce, the sooner it will be over and we can go back to sleep. You can't argue with him when he gets like this.
The Boy: You can't EVER argue with him. He's a furry terrorist!
BC: It's called FURRY FURY.
The Boy: Just get on with it, Bear.
BC: FINE! ARE. YOU. READY?!?!

{Silence}
BC: I can't HEAR you!!!! ARE. YOU. READY?!?!
{Silence}
BC: What a bunch of duds. Get in the Christmas spirit! {AHEM!!!}
{Pause}
BC: {to the tune of "O Christmas Tree"} 
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
How are thy stripes so sexy!
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
How are thy stripes so sexy!
{Pause}
BC: Not only sexy in summertime,
More in winter when furred warmth's sublime.
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
How are thy stripes so sexy!
{Pause}
BC: O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Filled with love when in my lap you sat!
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Filled with love when in my lap you sat!
{Pause}
BC: For every year the tabby cat,
Brings me joy and love without caveat.
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Filled with love when in my lap you sat!
{Pause}
BC: O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Your purr echoes through the house!
O tabby cat, O tabby cat
Your purr echoes through the house!
{Pause}
BC: Each claw glints in its own spotlight,
And fangs so "I'm the shark" burns bright.
O tabby cat, O tabby cat,
Twenty-two points to combat.
{The Boy and Bear stare at each other}
BC: {AHEM}.
The Boy: That's not so much about Christmas, Bear.
BC: Well what would you expect it to be about? We all know everything is about MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!

{The Boy and Bear stare at each other}
MK: {whispering} The sooner you clap, the sooner we can go back to sleep.
The Boy: He wakes us up ... then PERFORMS and expects us to worship him?!?! I'm not going to clap for this ... {seeing Bear's face} CLAP! CLAP! CLAP CLAP CLAP!
{The Boy and Bear stare at each other}
MK: Oh for crying ... {whispering} he wants you to suggest an encore.
The Boy: Just how many times has he done this?
MK: It's the gift that keeps on giving.
The Boy: That's ONE way to describe it ...
BC: {AHEM}.
The Boy: {with little enthusiasm} Encore.
MK: Uh oh.
BC: Say it like you mean it!!!
The Boy: If he wasn't such a scared-y cat around people, I'd think he's made for the stage.
BC: Thank you! You're forgiven.
The Boy: Great.
BC: Christmas in THE HOUSE! {AHEM!!!}
{Pause}
The Boy: I suppose there's nothing we can do to make him stop?
MK: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! He'll get tired eventually. I mean, he's already overdue for his 3:07 am nap.
The Boy: I thought he woke up from his 2:48 nap at 3:03?
MK: SHHHHHHHHHHH! Four minutes to grab a bite to eat ... use the litter box ...
BC: KIDS THESE DAYS! NO RESPECT!!! Talking during MY show! I should pack it up and deprive you of the rest of my show! HUH! Take THAT!!!
The Boy: PLEASE?!?!
BC: Okay, okay. It's a higher calling! I can't resist giving my public want they want!

The Boy: Since when? And my please was about shutting up!
BC: {AHEM} 
The Boy: Are we even having the same conversa ...
BC: {to the tune of "What Child Is This?"} 
What cat is this, who, laid to rest,
On Momma’s lap, is sleeping?
Whom furred warmths greet with comforts sweet,
While love is Momma reaping.
{Pause}
BC: This, this is Bear the King,   
The name of Princess Buttercup to which he clings.
Quick, quick to join his thrall,
The cat, the ruler of all.
{Silence except The Boy snoring}
BC: {AHEM!!!}
{Momma claps}
{Bear hops on The Boy's chest}
The Boy: Wha? Umm ... HUH! Call 911! I'm having a heart attack! I'm having ... Wait a minute ... it's YOU!
BC: Well, you're not exactly who I want to see either!
MK: Let's keep the show moving along ... what's next?
BC: While I've got this captive audience ... I might as well go over my Christmas list. In song. {AHEM}.
{Silence}
BC: {AHEM}.
MK: YAY!!!!
The Boy: Why are you "YAY!"ing?!?! You're just encouraging him!
BC: ENCOURAGE ME! ENCOURAGE ME!!!!!! My shows are meant to be interactive with the audience! So far, this is a DUDience.

MK: Because I want to go back to sleep sometime this month!
BC:  {to the tune of "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth"} 
All I want for Christmas is tasty chickens.
Tasty chickens, tasty WHOLE chickens.
If I could only have tasty whole chickens,

I'd surely have a Merry Christmas.
{Pause}
BC: It seems so long since I could say,
Yum yum winner winner chicken dinner.
Starving now, how happy I'd be,
If I got no thinner.
{Pause}
BC: All I want for Christmas is tasty chickens.
Tasty chickens, tasty WHOLE chickens.
If I could only have tasty whole chickens,

I'd surely have a Merry Christmas.
{Momma and The Boy finally get with the program and clap}
MK: That was ... err ... nice.
The Boy: Err ... umm ... NICE job, Buddy Bear.
BC: "Nice?" "Nice?" I'm a cat! "Nice" should never come into it!
MK: An electrifying performance.
{Bear looks at The Boy}
The Boy: WHAT?!?! 
MK: {whispering} Oh, just say something enthusiastic! We've only missed an hour of sleep so far!
The Boy: That was GREAT!
BC: Better. Was it so great, you want to see the entire show again?

{Momma groans}
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: I KNEW it! CAUGHT RED-PAWED! I wasn't going to give a repeat performance because it's WAY past my nap time - I was just testing you to see if you thought it was great enough to hear again. Obviously NOT.
The Boy: NO! My hesitation was because sometimes ... err ... too much of a good ... err ... wonderful thing can be err ... bad. I don't know how much more great ... err ... fabulousness ... I can take.
BC: Hmph. That's what I THOUGHT! Before I nap, I'm going to hint at the rest of my list. Can you say ... HEAVY ARTILLERY?!?!
The Boy: Yeah, right. As if you don't wake us up enough as it is! As if you aren't full of enough furry fury!
BC: Heavy artillery. Just saying. Last year, Santa totally mucked up my order. I bet he and The Boy belong to the same Brotherhood of Morons chapter. "My name is The Boy ... and I am a moron."
MK: I'm going to regret this ... but heavy artillery?
The Boy: HEY! You aren't going to defend me?
MK: You're perfectly capable of defending yourself! Now, heavy artillery?
BC: Phht. I'm not giving away my strategic plans. The Boy and Ellie moved in - seen as hostilities leading to war ... and I plan on declaring war soon. Preparations are in ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
The Boy: Great. Can we sleep now?
BC: BYE!
MK: Heavy artillery?! I'm not sure I can sleep with that big question mark in my head.
The Boy: @#$%! it! I think he does this on purpose.
BC: {from the other room} If you weren't a MORON, you'd KNOW I do it on purpose!
TO BE CONTINUED ... Do Momma and The Boy ever get back to sleep? And what do post-its have to do with Christmas?

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36 comments:

  1. Oh....Bear sleeping in December is overrate...you can do it in January when it is cold and dreary.
    Right now you need to keep a watch out for the Evil Elf on a Shelf.
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Momma wouldn't dare to let an elf on a shelf! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Hey Bear, from one tabby to another I love that tune!

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  3. Encore! Encore! Do you want to come to my house and we can sing Tabbie duets during prime karaoke time?
    Purrs
    Marv

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    Replies
    1. That would be fantastic, Marv! We bet you have a dreamy accent! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Bear, methinks you need a better audience! At least not one who is sleeping!

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  5. We love your songs, Bear! We're night owls at our house so you can perform for us at your prime time too!

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    Replies
    1. SCORE! And a tortie in the audience! I might get a roadie!!! ~Bear Cat

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  6. AMARULA: Can you hear me Bear?! I am whistling and chanting your name! You are the show in town!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll perform for free for you any time ... Miss Hottie ;) ~Bear Cat

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  7. Life is darn tuff when you're pawsome, right Bear?

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    Replies
    1. EXACTLY! Especially when you have stupid sisters! ~Bear Cat

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  8. Sighs. We are at our best at 3 am. and hoomins NEVER appreciate this. Bear, you rock out, dude. PS: our mom says thanks to your mom.

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    Replies
    1. I can't help when I'm at my best! Fabulous doesn't have a schedule! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Wow! Your songs seem so familiar somehow Bear . . and yet, they are not! ;p You kill us Bear, you are so insistent and vaguely obnoxious (said kindly of course!!) . . .um,the word we were trying to find was, ENTERTAINING!! You are so entertaining!! We don't understand why your audience would rather sleep than hear you sing or play shark for that matter . . .wet blankets we say, both of them ;p

    the critters in the cottage xo

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    Replies
    1. Hmph. I AM entertaining ... but no one appreciates me around here! I should be able to charge for my talent! But NOOOOO ... they'd rather SLEEP! ~Bear Cat

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  10. Bear, if Momma & The Boy do not get some sleep, Christmas may be a bit unpleasant. Just sayin'. Parents need to be rested to keep up with furkids. xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Oh, sure. Blame ME when they don't sleep! Maybe they're just always grumpy. Hmm ... Err ... RATS! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Well Bear, we're usually still awake at 3 in da meownin' here Bear, so you could purrfurm fur us. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  12. Bravo, bravo (clapping paws together), bravo bravo! Do you take requests? How about instead of "Oh Tabby Cat" make it "Oh black cat, Oh Black cat" for me - your good friend Rosie.

    The humans are so sensitive about sleeping. Sigh ...

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    Replies
    1. But my annoying sister is a black cat!!!! Oh, okay. I should give my public what they demand. Just don't tell Ellie I did! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Bear that has to be the best Catmas song fur sure, me and the B Team think mew should head a new kitty choir, we can't sing but we could hum a nice background tune and Smooch is whiz with a triangle *ting* and actually Parsley is purretty good on the piano, he falls asleep on the keys! MOL

    Bestest festive purrs

    Basil & Co xox

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    Replies
    1. My kind of band! I must ask though ... if I let you join my band ... can I play with the B team's toys?!? You have heavy artillery, right? ~Bear Cat

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  14. Appaws, appaws ! Wonderful Christmas carols, Bear ! Purrs

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  15. Oh the things we do and put up with for art.... What you should do, Bear, is get those humans to do their own show for you, to show them how hard it is to have such an unappreciative audience. That way you can heckle and throw insults at them, or not in return for them arty chicken parts....
    Toodle pips
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Have you ever heard my Momma "sing?" Think what a dying constipated cricket sounds like ... that's her. I barely survive as it is. SHe couldn't even PAY me to listen. ~Bear Cat

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  16. I think that was a wonderful Christmas show! I hope Santa is good to you and Ellie too :) XO

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    1. He better be! I put him on notice! My Momma's going to beat him up if he isn't! ~Bear Cat

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  17. Sorry Bear, you know how my Mom feels about 3am songs at my house! It won't fly here! MOL! Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!! xoxo catchatwithcarenandcody

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    Replies
    1. You know what would REALLY be cool?!? FLYING at 3am! ~Bear Cat

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  18. The Christmas show to replace all Christmas shows I say! I think you need to host the Rock'n New Years Eve party alongside Catmerson Cooper, too, Bear. You would make the ratings go sky high, and especially if you broke out into song & dance!

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    Replies
    1. Do you think I'd make enough money for a tasty whole chicken farm?!? ~Bear Cat

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