Friday, December 22, 2017

And a crab cake with a tortie

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance


{Bear's grooming himself}
BC: {to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"}
On the first day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
A crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the second day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the third day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Three huge tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.

{Pause}
BC: On the fourth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Four cat hammocks,
Three huge tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the fifth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me: 
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks, 
Three huge tanks, 
Two ginger ladies, 
And a crab cake with a tortie.
EM: Can't you keep it down over there? I'm trying to nap! Not only are you singing while you groom yourself, but you're shaking the bed! How's a girl supposed to get any beauty sleep?
{Bear continues grooming himself}
BC: On the sixth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three huge tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.

{Pause}
BC: On the seventh day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three huge tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the eighth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the ninth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
{Bear continues grooming himself}
BC: On the tenth day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Ten pounds of tuna,
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the eleventh day of Bear-mas,
My true love gave to me:
Eleven cattle prods,
Ten pounds of tuna,
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
EM: {adjusting her position} SERIOUSLY?!? How do you expect me to sleep with all this racket?
{Pause}
BC: On the twelfth day of Bear-mas, 
My true love gave to me:
Twelve tons of catnip,
Eleven cattle prods,
Ten pounds of tuna,
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
EM: PLEASE tell me you're done! I don't know how much more I can take.
MK: {walking into the room} Will someone tell me why there are post-its ... {stopping as she sees the look on Ellie's face} What's going on in here?
EM: Bear's singing in the shower and I want to take a nap!
BC: My Bear-mas list is complete.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: My BEAR-MAS list! It's like Christmas ... only all about me! My list for Santa is in song!
EM: You just HAD to encourage him, didn't you?!?
BC: {AHEM}.
{Pause}
BC: {to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"}
On the first day of Bear-mas, 
My true love gave to me:
A crab cake with a tortie.
{Pause}
BC: On the second day of Bear-mas, 
My true love gave to me ...
EM: REALLY?!?! AGAIN?!?!
BC: HEY! People - and anyone with good taste - would PAY to hear this!
MK: Ummm .... SURE. Just give me the short version though.
BC: On the twelfth day of Bear-mas, 
My true love gave to me:
Twelve tons of catnip,
Eleven cattle prods,
Ten pounds of tuna,
Nine torties dancing,
Eight big bazookas,
Seven skunks amorous,
Six cannons firing,
Five tasty chickens,
Four cat hammocks,
Three big tanks,
Two ginger ladies,
And a crab cake with a tortie.
{Silence}
BC: Why aren't you clapping?
MK: Bear ...
BC: Last year, Santa totally mucked up my list. Stupid moron can't read I guess. So I changed the name of the holiday to "Bear-mas" so there's no confusion as to the reason for the season! I'm starting to think The Boy is in cahoots with Santa Can't-a.
EM: Santa's not going to come if you keep insulting him!
BC: That's why I've come up with a new way to designate Santa Flaws naughty vs. nice list. It's idiot proof!

MK: Uh oh. Is that the meaning of the post-its?
BC: SEE?!?! Just goes to show my technique IS idiot proof! Even YOU figured it out!

MK: Let's see ... the claw clippers are naughty ...

{Pause}
MK: Your toothbrush too ...

EM: OH! I agree with BOTH of those!
MK: The vacuum and the carrier are both naughty ...

EM: YES! Maybe this isn't such a bad ...
{SLAP!!}
EM: HEY! Get it off me! Get it off me!

MK: BEAR! Ellie's not naughty!
BC: Naughty is in the eye of the beholder. She annoys me ... thus, she's naughty.
EM: HEY! 
BC: Don't feel bad.
EM: Wh ...
{SLAP!!}
The Boy: OWWWW! What's going ...

MK: BEAR! Keep your post-its and your paws to your ...
EM: Wait a ... what's that on your tail?

BC: Hmm ... not COMPLETELY idiot proof. It should be self-explanatory.
EM: YOU?!?! NICE?!?! You're the one slapping everyone with post-its!
BC: HEY! I worked hard to ensure that we have a good Bear-mas! No Can't-a this year! Nope. Everything is black and white. No mistakes.
{Pause as Momma and Ellie look at the cat toys with post-its saying "Nice" written on them}


BC: Err ... yellow and red.
MK: {noticing the corner} You labeled the food too?!?
BC: HEY! The struggle of the bad food diet is a real thing! Thank goodness you also bought the decent stuff.
MK: Bear, you liked the "bad" food until Ellie refused to eat it.
BC: That should tell you something! If Smellie Neigh won't eat it, you shouldn't even bother.
EM: That's not very nice! I'm telling Santa on you!

{Pause}
EM: {distracted} OOOH! The bag of treats! "Nice." I agree with that one! Momma! Can we have treats?!?! PLEASE?!?!

BC: {sigh} My point exactly. That girl will eat anything ... err ... ALMOST anything. If you don't watch out, Santa will bring her a diet! Now if you don't mind, I'm going to take a nap on my "Nice" bed! You're welcome Santa Flaws!

EM: It's Santa CLAWS! 
BC: Actually, that's not how you ... oh, NEVER MIND. You can't reason with a woman. Pick your battles.
EM: If I were Santa, with all your name calling, I wouldn't stop by.
BC: Then I guess it's good that he's not real.
EM: WHAT?!?! He's not real? I've even been good while people are watching!
BC: You're welcome for that lesson.
EM: If there's no Santa, I'm not going to get my brass knuckles, throwing stars, and nunchucks!
MK: Ellie!
EM: WHAT?!?! He demands heavy artillery and you get mad that I want brass knuckles, throwing stars, and nunchucks!?!?
MK: This is ridiculous! NO ONE is getting any weapons - in any form!
BC: What about objects that could be used as weapons? Like chickens? Or spoons?
MK: {trying to change the subject} You marked a lot of things "naughty" or "nice." What about me?
{SLAP}
MK: What was that?
BC: I was just giving you a pat on the back! Because ... err ... umm ... 
The Boy: {walking into the room} Why do you have a post-it on your back that says "Pain in the butt?"
BC: RATS!
MK: BEAR!
BC: BYE!!!

Bear, Ellie, and I didn't send out Christmas cards this year, but we wish all of our friends a merry holiday season filled with love and peace. We are truly thankful for each of you, as we count you among our blessings this year.

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50 comments:

  1. Bear, even WE shudder to think of what you would do with huge tanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What if I gave you both a ride?!?! ~Bear Cat

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    2. Hmmm... that could be interesting! PS: To answer your question, no, I am not a kept ladycat. MOM pays all my expenses. My long distance just sometimes sends me gifts, and mom says it's ok to accept gifts from loved ones.

      Delete
  2. Twelve tons of catnip? Are you planning on selling it in Colorado, Bear?
    Hehehe

    ReplyDelete
  3. We enjoyed your tune Bear but now I have to go to the Vet to get an ear worm removed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Momma's been singing the song all week. The Boy's about to kill her. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  4. AMARULA: I don't have a crab cake but I am yours Bear! The human insists I tell you how cute you look when you are sleeping Bear!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My true love ... the crab cake isn't a requirement ;) Only a tortie could ever be enough woman for me. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. Wow, Bear. We sure hope Santa stops at your house; though, we guess you won't be disappointed if he doesn't, as you don't think he is real. We are surprised you asked for anything in your song besides torties and tasty whole chickens. Our cards will be posted on our Saturday blog so you can grab one there if you like. Meowy Christmas and Happy Mew Year. We hope your holiday is blessed and joyous. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a well rounded, multi-dimensional tabby! When people start to think they know me ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. Your song is just brilliant, Bear! I'm not sure how Mudpie feels about crab cakes though...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The crab cake isn't a requirement ... and could be a bit messy ;) Only a tortie could ever be enough woman for me. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Hmm, now I'm confused. Twelve days of Christmas but only presents on one... and you have to be good for 364 of the days? Sounds like a rough deal. Have you a back up song for the remaining 354?
    Toodle pips
    ERIN

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PS Lovely pictures that new camera is working a treat!
      E

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    2. Ummm ... that sounds like a lot of hard work! I have a pretty stringent napping schedule. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. You don't think Santa is real? Don't be crying when Ellie Mae gets her brass knuckles then. Haha, Merry Christmas to everyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just as long as she doesn't get the throwing star, I'll be fine. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. Bear, that was such a good song. You did a good job. We sure wish all of you a very Merry Christmas.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Geesh! And we thought the heavy artillery was going to be Torties! Have a wonderful and very Merry Christmas. Maybe Santa will bring more Post-it notes?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SHHHH! Torties are sensitive about their weights! No matter how purr-fect they already are! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  11. Hmmm...that is an....interesting....take on that song, and wish list, Bear! We'd say we hope Santa is good to you, but we're not sure he's going to fulfill THAT list (but we know he will still be good to you)! :)
    Merry Christmas to all of you from all of us! ♥

    ReplyDelete
  12. Bear, I really like you 12 Days of Cat Mas song, Butt, ALAS, when I tried to sing it...both Kozmo and Jo Jo and then Mommy told me to stop caterwauling or Sandy Claws would not be bringing me any gifts.
    I ceased.
    Purrs
    Marvelous

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should hear my Momma sing!!! Ugh. I have no idea who I got my talent from ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  13. Oh my stars, this made us MOL! hahaha. We loved the naughty note on the grain free food! Meowy Christmas from our house to yours!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just telling the truth ... as Bear sees it anyway ;)

      Delete
  14. Great song, Bear. Except for maybe the 11 cattle prods. Yikes.

    How helpful of you to help Santa out like that with your post its. We bet you'll score mucho points for that!

    Merry Christmas to you, Ellie, Momma Kat and The Boy. We love you guys lots!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, you know ... you lose a few ... break a few ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  15. This is a new take on the Nice and Naughty thing, leave it to Bear. Thanks for making us smile!
    We'll gladly put chicken, catnip, and hammocks on our list, but no amorous skunks, please.
    Merry Christmas!
    xxoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If post-its can be used for something ... he'll find a way!

      Delete
  16. Heh, hee. You guys are too clever. Wishing everyone in the BearCat household a furbulous holiday.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Woops, sorry my comments didn't show up the first time. That Sandy Paws doesn't have an excuse not to get your order right this year, Bear. Bear-mas sounds just the way to get his attention this time! And it sounds like a grr-eat marketing plan! Kisses to you & Ellie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what they say ... it's all about the marketing ;) ~Bear Cat

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  18. DOOOOOOOD. Epic song. EPIC.


    …….... (¯ O´¯)...
    …….…... / | ............♫ Warmest wishes♫
    ……… ...*•♥•*...................♫ for a ♫
    …… ... *♥♫♫♥*'...........♠♫ Merry Christmas ♫♠
    … .... *♥•♦♫••♥* ................♥.. and a...♥
    ..... *♥☺♥☺♥☺♥* ........ ♠♫ Happy New Year♫♠
    .....*♥•♥#♠*♥#♥•♥* '
    ....*♥♫♥♥♫♥♥♫♥♫* '
    ...*♥♥☺♥♫♥♫♥☺♥♥*'
    ..*♥♥♣♫♥♣♥♥♣♥♫ ♣♥♥*'
    '*♥♥♣♥♫♥♥♫♥♥♫ ♥♣♥♥*'
    .......... ╬╬╬╬╬...........

    Holiday purrs from
    Maxie, Faraday & Allie!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Great song! Sorry I am so late. Merry Christmas! XO

    ReplyDelete
  20. We purray your Christmas was blest and that you got all your heart's desires. Within reason that is. Santa never stops at our house, but it's all good. We couldn't afford to pay fur the stuffs he brings. 'Stead we give each other lots of luvs and hugs and cuddles. Mommy says it's the bestest gift ever. Big hugs fur all.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We agree! And that seems like a better way to celebrate too!

      Delete
  21. To Bear Cat, I only just saw your song and post-it system. I just loved it. Both of them. I really had a great time reading through them. Even hummed to tune to make the song sound right. Loved your sense of humor. Or was it Mom Cat's? Drop by one of these days at https://catsareontop.com. In the meantime Happy New Year 2018. Rachel.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Flu is never fun. I've been sick since I got my flu shot/ I'm feeling better but not over it. Merry Christmas. Things will get better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Last time I got a flu shot was 2005 - and it made me sick for a couple days. Up until this year, I hadn't gotten the flu except the year I was vaccinated. They swear the vaccine can't make you sick - but I know better!

      Delete
  23. Wow Bear, that is quite the creative song! We hope you and your entire family (yes, Ellie included) had a wonderful Christmas!!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. MOL! Bear, that is an excellent adaptation of a Christmas classic, although I am a little concerned about some of the things you asked for. The chickens and torties I can understand, but bazookas and cattle prods?? I hope you got *some* of what you asked for, and that your people got past that icky flu stuff and had a nice holiday! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Variety is the spice of life, right?! ~Bear Cat

      Delete