Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Kitty Diva or Pop "Tart?"

Bear Cat LOVES an audience . . . he frequently struts around for me to admire him and also makes sure I'm watching him before he does something he's not supposed to do. Bear also constantly demands something: attention, love, food, play time, outside . . . he's a cat and he KNOWS what he wants.  He's perfected his stare so that I can't miss the obvious glare of disappointment and dissatisfaction . . . and I'm constantly aware that I ignore him at my own peril. If you've ever read about the demands entertainers, or "stars," make on tour, imagine what a very persnickety, diva-like cat would ask for, in addition to his daily usual demands. Unfortunately, Momma doesn't always cooperate.  With Bear's flair for the dramatic, life is just one performance after another. Luckily, Bear has no shortage of adoring fans (including Momma) . . . even if those adoring fans at other times are known as infidels . . . and are issued challenges by Mr. Tough Pants (and again, Momma is the frequent object of his displeasure).

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

THE PRE-SHOW . . .
BC: Assemble the masses!
MK: AGAIN?!?!? Bear . . . this is the THIRD time today!
BC: Did I ask your opinion? When my public demands my handsome mug, they must get a show! Chop, chop! My public awaits!
{Pause}
BC: OH! And after you assemble my most esteemed admirers, we must discuss my pre-show demands. Scratch discuss. My pre-show demands:
  • A freshly scrubbed litter box, that MUST still smell like me . . . filled with litter in a light, delicate floral scent.
  • My water bowl filled with bottled water . . . "Mountain Lion Fresh" brand . . . and don't try any tricks . . . I will know the difference.
  • A bowl of "Ferocious Tiger Gourmet Tuna Snacks" . . . but ONLY the light brown ones that are in the shape of chickens. If I find ONE fish-shaped snack, the show is OFF and all my fans will no doubt riot at your incompetence.
  • The television on the channel with all the swimming fishy. I find it very zen and relaxing as I meditate in preparation to give the audience my all.
  • VIP Lounge for my entourage . . . with a wet food buffet and premium Grade A Fancy Catnip.
MK: Bear, your litter box is already clean, your water bowl is just fine, you already had your wet food treat today, we don't have cable, and you don't even LIKE catnip. Oh, and your "entourage" contains cat nip toy mice . . . so don't tell me they require catnip OR wet food. 
BC: Fine? FINE!?!? You expect me to make do with "FINE?!?!?" My performance will not just be, "Fine," it is an EXPERIENCE! Imagine if I only gave my fans "fine!" My career would be over! I find it very disturbing that you question The Great Bear Cat and try to get away with squalid compensation for enormous talents.
MK: Shall I assemble your masses or not?
BC: Fine. But I'll remember your refusal to be flexible and meet my very reasonable demands. I don't work for free, you know!
{Pause}
BC: And don't forget . . . if I see a camera during my performance or in any of the unauthorized spaces set out in my contract, I will halt the show immediately. And then you must deal with the wrath of my fans! I reserve the right to cancel the show completely!
MK: {sigh} You don't have a contract, Bear. Knowing you, even if you did, you'd shred it like you do all paper in this house.
BC: I will pretend I didn't hear that. Please review the section on the requirements of my publicity shots . . . namely, no butt shots, no tongue shots . . . do I make myself clear?
MK: {sigh} Sure.
BC: Don't roll your eyes at me! I find your insubordination exhausting!

Bear poses for press shots . . . 



The audience gathers . . . 

Bear poses with the crowd of his adoring fans . . . 


And then bans the paparazzi (ie. Momma) from the area while he sets up . . .
Note: Bear, like any performer, strictly prohibits the taking of pictures and/or video during his performance (sorry!) . . .



THE SHOW . . .
BC: Sexxxxxx-y! I'm TOO sexy!
MK: {mumbling to herself} Three times . . . just TODAY. Then again, I should be happy he's entertaining himself this way, instead of clearing the shelves above the toilet INTO the toilet.
BC:  Are you ready for this? I can't HEAR you! ARE. YOU. READY. FOR. THIS. ?!?!?
I'm too sexy for my house, 
Too sexy for my house, 
Don't you think so, my little mouse? 

I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean, 
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk, 
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah, 
I shake my little tail on the catwalk. 
{Pause}
BC: Momma? MooooooooooommmmMMMMA! Come check this out!
MK: What's up, Bear?
BC: {prancing back and forth in front of the bathroom mirror}

I'm too sexy for my fur,
Too sexy for my fur,
Just listen to me PURRRRRR.
MK: Very . . . umm . . . original.
BC: I wasn't done! Ahem . . .


I'm too sexy for my mom, 
Too sexy for my mom, 
Ain't I just the mother-meowing bomb! 

I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean, 
And I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk, 
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah 
I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk. 
{Silence}
BC: Why aren't you clapping?
{Momma reluctantly claps as Bear struts in front of the mirror}
BC: Am I sexy?
MK: Well, I'm not sure I'm comfortable . . .
BC: You really suck at the audience participation part of this show!
{Pause}
BC: Am I SEXXXX-Y?
MK: Sure.
BC: I didn't HEAR you!
{Silence}
BC: Oh, fine. Ruin the show. Are you happy? Is it really that hard to get EX-CITED about The GREAT Bear CAT!?!?
{Pause}
BC: Am I TOO sexy?
MK: Err . . . of course.
BC: You're welcome. Your part of the show is over. I expect you to be more enthusiastic next time.
MK: {leaving the bathroom} Ooooooookay.
MK: {mumbling to herself} Maybe if it weren't the THIRD time today . . .

BC: You didn't thank me!
MK: Thank you!
BC: We'll discuss my fishy compensation later. I've EARNED my fishy TO-DAY!

I'm too sexy for my teeth, 
Too sexy for my teeth, 
You can't imagine the unbearable pain they bequeath! 

I'm too sexy for my claws, 
Too sexy for my claws, 
And too sexy even for my adorable paws! 

I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean, 
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk, 
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah 
I shake my little tail on the catwalk. 

I'm too sexy for my tail, 
Too sexy for my tail, 
You can't measure my pounds of sexy on any scale!
BC: Thank you, thank you, you're NOT too kind, but I appreciate my admirers! Yes, that's you, Pinky Mouse . . . and you, Bluie Mouse . . . and you, Golden Bow . . .
BC: Oh, Percival Piggy, I see you undressing me with your eyes . . . PURRRRRR.
BC:  Teddy Bear, are you MOCKING me? I'll teach YOU! Ohhh! You say I'm EXTRA sexy today? Why thank you . . . thank you very much! I wasn't sure anyone noticed . . . my Momma certainly didn't!
{Pause}
BC: But you won't get anywhere with trifling flattery! If you keep looking at me like that, I will unleash my furry . . . RATS! . . . I mean FURY . . . and embarass you in front of your brethren!
BC: I want to take this opportunity to invite all of you to the after-party! We'll light THIS ONE up! But no autographs. The Bear Cat is TOO sexy for autographs.
BC: Enough chatting! The show continues! . . .
{And no, it doesn't end here, but you get the idea . . . it could be HOURS until Bear tires himself out . . . and the show is "over." Meanwhile, Momma is not allowed in the bathroom.}


THE AFTER-PARTY . . . 
{Unauthorized shots . . . don't tell the kitty diva.}



As you'll notice, Bear's after-party is very different from those of human entertainers. I believe he had every intention of actually partying, but he's a cat that requires a substantial amount of beauty rest . . . and he's just as promiscuous at his after-party with sleeping spots as a human is with . . . well, you get the idea. Bear certainly makes sure he gets around (sleeping spots, that is) :)

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