Friday, September 1, 2017

Fairness and a Copy {Bear} Cat

MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: The Boy

Exhibit A:
MK: Ellie, you're such a pretty girl!
EM: Meow meow!
MK: Are you dancing just for m ...
BC: HEY! How come you never tell me I'M a pretty girl?

{Silence}
BC: RATS! I mean ... how come you never tell me I'm a pretty boy?!?

{Silence}
BC: OH, #$%! That sounded a whole lot better in my head! Just ignore ...
EM: We already do.
BC: WHAT?!? HOW RUDE!
{Silence}
BC: HEY! HEY!?!? Why are you ig ... RATS!


Exhibit B:
BC: To the human male in the house ... also known as dumbnuts ... ATTENTION ... I am NOT your Buddy Bear. Call me your buddy at your own peril! Any attempt to pet me will be met with fangs and claws and a brutal dose of furry fury. I'M THE SHARK! Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
EM: He acts like he's Mr. Big Pants ... right up until the moment he runs under the bed because he meets his shadow.

The Boy: True story.
BC: HEY! Last time the rabid dog came out, you were under the bed before me!
EM: Mr. Vacuum was eating everything in sight and I was sure he would break his leash!
BC: Phht. I'm on a first name basis with Upright.
EM: You just read his first name on his collar!
BC: Nah. He and I often have drinks together at the ... the ... water bowl?
EM: Whatever. I love you, Daddy. You're the BESTEST thing EVER!
BC: BARF.
The Boy: I love you, Buddy.
BC: I know.

The Boy: I was talking to Ellie!
BC: WHAT?!?! I thought I was your buddy!
The Boy: You said you don't want me to call you buddy!
BC: But I don't want you to call HER buddy either! I'M your buddy! She's just something you dragged in off the street.
EM: Ummm ... actually ...  Momma found YOU on the street ... Momma found me via a rescue.
BC: HEY! I was sowing my wild oats.
MK: Under the deck?
BC: Is this "pick on Bear day?" You all should be ashamed of picking on an innocent, CUTE, kitty cat!
{Momma, The Boy, and Ellie bust out laughing}
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!


Exhibit C:
BC: {looking both ways out of the side of his eyes} Ummm ... Ellie?!? 
BC: Why aren't you eating the wet food? Do you know something I don't? Usually, you chow down and ask questions later.
EM: Hmm hmm hmm ...
BC: What??! WHAT?!?! Last time, you gobbled this variety down! That was the WHOLE reason I ate it last time.
EM: I changed my mind.
BC: About what?
EM: For being a cat, you sure are stupid.
BC: HEY! 
EM: I can't believe I have to explain EVERYTHING to you. If we gobble a food down one time, we have to ignore it the next.
BC: WHY?
EM: BECAUSE WE'RE CATS!
BC: But it tastes the same!
EM: Exactly.
BC: That makes no sense!
EM: EXACTLY!
BC: I'm hungry!
EM: It's the principle of the thing!
BC: But this is tuna and shrimp! I mean, it doesn't get much better than ...
EM: Suit yourself. 
BC: So I can't eat this?
EM: Not if you want to be a cat.
BC: I AM a cat!
EM: Hey. I don't judge.
BC: JUDGE? JUDGE WHAT?!?!?
EM: It's okay, powder puff.
BC: LEAVE ME ALONE!
{Bear walks off}
EM: More for me!
{Ellie eats her wet food treat ... then Bear's}
BC: {GASP} You're eating the food! You tricked me!
EM: Not really. I didn't know I was going to eat your food ... I just figured that, "HEY! It's tuna and shrimp. And I'd be a fool like Bear to pass that up."
BC: I don't believe this! 
EM: Maybe you shouldn't be a copy cat and do whatever I do.
BC: I'm not a copy cat! I do whatever I want!
EM: I eat the food ... you eat the food. I don't eat the food, neither do you.
BC: @#$! Copy THIS! HIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
{Bear smacks Ellie and they circle around a bit}
MK: Knock it off, you two!
BC: But she ate my wet food treat!
MK: Maybe if you didn't try to copy whatever Ellie's doing, you wouldn't have a problem.
BC: NO! My problem is that she keeps tricking me!
EM: You make it too easy. You're not exactly the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
BC: TACKLE THIS!

MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: You always take her side!
EM: Phht. Because my side is always right! And you're stupid.
MK: Ellie!
EM: I'm right, aren't I?
MK: I can neither confirm nor deny.
BC: HA!
EM: That's a nice way of her saying I'm right!
BC: NO! She's saying I'M right!
EM: You can't POSSIBLY be that stupid!
{Silence as she looks at Bear}
EM: Never mind. You are.
MK: ELLIE! Truce! Now!
{The cats go to separate spots in the family room and lay down}
EM: Why do you stop talking in full sentences when you get mad or frustrated?
BC: Hahahahaha. She TOTALLY does! Last night it was, "Bear! Ellie's butt! No licking!"
EM: That wasn't funny. You WERE licking my butt and I don't like it!
BC: And then Momma joked that I was broken!
EM: Dude. I don't think she was kidding.
BC: WHAT?!?! MOMMA?!?!
MK: I can neither confirm nor deny. But randomly licking Ellie's butt when you don't lick any other part of her is ... umm ... odd.
BC: HEY! In my defense, our food tastes the same coming out as it did going in ...
EM: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
MK: Yep. He's broken.
BC: HEY! Why doesn't anyone call ELLIE stupid or broken?
EM: The living demonstration ...
BC: WHAT?!?! I don't get it!

Exhibit D:
{Ellie's whacking away at the turbo track ball}

EM: NUTS! Lots and LOTS of NUTS! Take THAT!
BC: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!
EM: PLAYING! This is fun!
BC: That's MY toy!
EM: You never play with it.
BC: SO? I haven't touched it since Momma got it out of the box a couple years ago.
EM: Your loss!
BC: HEY! That's MINE! If I decide to play with it, knowing Momma will get the satisfaction of knowing I like it, that's MY business. But you can't give her that satisfaction!
EM: Watch me!
{Ellie whacks the ball around a few times}
MK: {walking into the room} Awwwww! Someone likes the turbo track toy! I'm so glad you're enjoying it, Ellie!
BC: Ellie's ruining everything!
MK: Come on, Bear! You never played with it.
BC: YEAH! And there's a VERY GOOD reason for that.
MK: What reason?
BC: You wouldn't understand.
EM: He doesn't have one.
BC: SHUT UP!
EM: No! YOU shut up! You have all these cool toys and you never play with them!
BC: There's a VERY GOOD reason for that.
EM: WHAT reason?
BC: Is that a trick question?
EM: The only reason you get tricked so much is because you're stupid!
BC: Am not!
EM: Are too! You haven't played with this toy JUST because you don't want to give Momma the satisfaction.
BC: SO!?
{Ellie whacks the ball around a few times as Bear watches}
BC: Keep your filthy paws off my balls! If my balls are going to be played with ... it's going to be ME doing the playing!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Move over and let me play!
EM: NO!
MK: Ellie, you can share.
EM: With the brat?
BC: HEY! That's YOUR name! FINE! I didn't want to play ANYWAY!
EM: GOOD!
BC: FINE! I'm going to my closet.
EM: Oooh! Can I come too?
BC: NO!
EM: Why not?
BC: Because I said so!
MK: Like you've ever listened to me saying that.
BC: WHATEVER. I'm done dealing with you WOMEN. You're all unreasonable and crazy!
The Boy: {from the other room} Hahahahahahahaha.
BC: OH, SHUT UP!
The Boy: Burning every bridge?
BC: Phht. And every boat and airplane too. When Bear burns ... it's with kerosene and a flame thrower. It's my prerogative.

The Boy: And you do it so well.
BC: Thank you.

Exhibit E:
BC: {running to Momma's work space and hopping on the table next to where she works} Momma! Momma! I need loves! It's an emergency and ...
{Bear stops when he sees Ellie snuggling in Momma's arms}
BC: {GASP}.
BC: RATS! HEY! She's HIS cat and I'm yours! I get first dibs on your lap! NO! It's MY lap!
EM: Daddy works during the day. I'm his cat after four pm.
BC: FINE! I'm The Boy's cat until four pm.
BC: AWWWWWWWW ... NUTS! I'm SCREWED!
EM: Sometimes you're so caught up in making sure everything is fair, you trip over yourself!
BC: I've told you a billion times ... the wall attacked me!
EM: You tripped over your own ego.
BC: No. I trip over YOU! I never had this problem before YOU got here.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Err ... MUCH.

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38 comments:

  1. Sounds a little like someone wants their catnip, and to eat it, too! Bud....er, Bear, you can't have it both ways. We know, you hate our guts for saying that. We're just trying to save you from a lifetime of grief, but hey, don't listen to us. MOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma's been trying to tell me that for the past eleven years! Phht. She just doesn't understand! ~Bear Cat

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  2. There is real love under all of this snarky stuff, I can tell!

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  3. Hey Bear, did you know that 2 tasty whole chickens fit purrfectly in the middle of the turbo tracks?

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  4. I love your figure 8 toy!!
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  5. Bear, you and Ellie do have a good time sometimes. Sorry they are picking on you but we know you will get them all back. You all have a super week end.

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    Replies
    1. You are right ... I must bide my time and plan carefully. ~Bear Cat

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  6. We can't lie, Bear, when we see photos of you and Ellie and hear of your adventures together, Iwe can tell that deep down you really have a grand ol' time with your little sister. It's okay if you don't want to admit, though. We completely understand.

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    Replies
    1. She ruins everything! Or everything that wasn't ruined before! ~Bear Cat

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  7. AMARULA: BARF is right! Oh Bear how do you manage to survive surrounded by nincompoops!? Of course you trip over your own ego because it's huge--how could it not be with all your magnificence??!! Be strong my magnificent mancat! Be strong!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought I was going crazy! You prove that I was right and I'm not. Nincompoopery isn't contagious, is it?! ~Bear Cat

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  8. Little sisfurs! WHY did they come into our lives??? - Toby

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    Replies
    1. How do we get rid of them?!?! Asking for a friend of course ... ~Bear Cat

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  9. Bear, we're starting to think your whole family is ganging up on you :( Do you need a new home? --Your favorite tortie

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    Replies
    1. They PICK on me! I just sit around and mind my own business and they PICK on me! The least they can do is give me tasty whole chicken farm to retire on. You and your Mommy would be the only living things invited to join me (obviously the chickens would be there too). ~Bear Cat

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  10. Replies
    1. ALL. THE. TIME. Poor me! I should get a tasty whole chicken farm to compensate me for my pain and suffering. ~Bear Cat

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  11. Oops, foiled again, Bear. That sister is a clever girl. Hope you guys have a marvey Labor Day.

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    Replies
    1. FAILED is a bit strong, don't you think?!? I prefer to think of it as ... as ... yeah. Okay. FAILED. ~Bear Cat

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  12. Bear, you know if you two got along perfectly, your Momma (and he that shall not be named, aka The Boy) would have nothing to blog about so really you are doing her a massive favour.... Maybe have words about an increase in your billing and wet treat allowance?!
    Toodle pip and purrrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point! My inspiration should be reimbursed by tasty whole chickens! That's the LEAST she can do! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  13. Oh, Bear, sometimes you just forget to think before you speak! Run it through your head before you let it come out of your mouth! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't help it! I'm a boy through and through! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Sisfurs always seem to have those snarky answers, Bear. We should know -- we each have one! - Gracie and Zoe

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  15. It looks like your family is plotting against you, Bear. Purrs

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  16. You are too funny Bear. Sorry Ellie took your toy.

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  17. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw Bear, we're sorry dat you think Ellie be takin' over. As fur dat fair thing, mommy's really big on da fair is fair here too. But, not everythin' can be done fairly. Playin' together tho' can be fun. Ya' know, maybe you can be on one side of da track toy and Ellie on da other. Ya'll can gat da ball back and furth to one another. Ya'll sure do look cute together. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That'd be a lot more fun that whacking the ball back and forth with Momma! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  18. What is a Bear to do?! That Ellie has really moved in for good & seems she's put her mark on everything of yours! Hmm... maybe you can ask you momma to give her a project to work on to keep her occupied, so you can have quality time with your humans. Purrs.

    ReplyDelete