Friday, December 15, 2017

Surreal greatness, part 2

If you missed part 1: Surreal greatness.

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae

BC: Oh! A box! What's in the box, Momma? What's in the box?
MK: I won't know until I open ...
BC: Cut up body parts from your last fiance? My boy parts? The Boy's boy parts?! What else would he expect from buying the cow?!? MOOOOOOO. Hahahaha.
The Boy: Excuse me? 
MK: He's kidding!
BC: MOSTLY. Compared to a black widow. I mean, the last guy never really even saw it coming. Like it's MOMMA'S fault he was low hanging fruit ... easy prey ... can you say NATURAL SELECTION?!

The Boy: Who? Never saw what coming? What's he talking about?
BC: Don't say I didn't warn you!
The Boy: About what?
BC: Buying the cow. MOO. Like a cow to the slaughter.
The Boy: That makes no sense!
BC: Oh. It WILL. It WILL.
The Boy: You're scaring me.
BC: Then stop looking in the mirror!
The Boy: Oh. Shut up, Bear.
BC: HEY! That's my line!
MK: Back to the package ...
BC: I'll have you know that my "package" is fierce and virile. NOT for the feint of heart!
MK: Oh, for crying ... NOT your boy part package ... this box!
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: I got something! I got something!!! What's in the package?! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH?!?!
MK: Give me a second to open it, Bear!
BC: {pacing around the box} I thought my order would never get here!
MK: Order?
BC: Err ... I meant YOUR order.
MK: And exactly what was that order for?
BC: Err ... how should I know? It's YOUR order!
MK: If there's a charge on my credit card, what would it be for?
BC: Skunks.
MK: You ordered skunks?
BC: You say that like it's a bad thing!

MK: So help me ... if we get a box of skunks ... you're going to be in BIG TROUBLE.
BC: You say that like I'm ever NOT in trouble.
MK: Though I am curious ... and I might regret asking ... but SKUNKS?!?!
BC: Pepé Le Pew.
MK: Bless you.
BC: For what? 
MK: Didn't you sneeze?
BC: NO! PEPE. LE. PEW. Haven't you heard of Pepé Le Pew?!?! He's in love with a black cat - he mistakes for a skunk - named Penelope Pussycat. I figure one of the skunks will seduce Smellie and she'll elope with Stinky, Inky, Pinky, Kinky or Dinky ... or ALL FIVE ... never to be seen in MY house again. ðŸŽ¶ðŸŽ¶ Happy Christmas to me! ðŸŽ¶ Happy Christmas to me! ðŸŽ¶ Happy Christmas, dear Bear Cat! ðŸŽ¶ Happy Christmas to me! ðŸŽ¶ðŸŽ¶
MK: Bear ... that's not even a song!
BC: Oh, sure. Like YOU'RE the arbiter of what's music! You listen to all that loud, metal-y sounding noise! I could bang some pots together - get a few dying constipated crickets - and sound better. "DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!"
The Boy: Umm ... WHAT?! I'm starting to think I should look for another cow ...
BC: Are you going to take that, Momma?!? He called you a cow!
The Boy: That's not what I ... all these references to body parts and last fiances and music with dark-themes ...
BC: Now where were we? Oh, yeah. The love affair. I figure Smellie and Stinky are a match made in heaven ... they both have so much in common, not the least of which that they both stink to high heaven ... and there's a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE connection!

{Momma opens the box}
MK: PHEW! No skunks.
BC: Then what is it?!?! HUH?!?! Is this my Christmas present?! It's a BIG box! It's probably for me! A new servant?!? A cat hammock?!? And don't expect me to share with Smellie!
MK: Wait ...
BC: Did you get me tasty whole chickens for Christmas?
MK: No.
BC: A tortie and some crab cakes?!
MK: NO!
BC: A subscription to PlayTom? Torties Gone Wild videos?!?!

MK: UGH.
BC: You're sending Ellie back?!?
MK: BEAR!
BC: You're packing up The Boy's stuff and telling him to take a hike?
MK: It's not for you. And The Boy and Ellie aren't going anywhere.
BC: How selfish! Not for me ... WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?! It's always about YOU! What about ME?! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME! You get everything ... and I get nothing! Hmmm ... did someone send you a lifetime supply of doughnuts? By chance, would there be any of the chicken or tuna-flavored variety!?!?
{Pause}
BC: Phht. Never mind. A box of doughnuts that big would only last you a week. Did you ask for a scale for Christmas?!? Or are you too embarrassed to admit you broke the last one?
{Momma takes the item out of the box}
BC: What's thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?
MK: Bear, I can't look at the contents if you stick your nose in my way.
BC: What's this ... IT'S A BAZOOKA! FINALLY! I finally got a bazooka! No wait ... it's a bit short ... it's a chicken cannon!!! You know what you need if you have a chicken cannon?
MK: A team of maids to clean up chicken innard spatters?
BC: Hahaha. No. CHICKENS! For chicken innard spatters for your maids, there would have to be chickens! WAIT! Watch where you point that thing!!!

{Pause}
BC: That's a minimizer! You want to zap me and make me tiny. Or blow me up!!!
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} NOO! That's the thing you use to beam me up to the alien ship! Give them Smellie instead! I refuse to be abducted by aliens. I'm not sharing my vast intellectual skills with anyone!
{The item clicks as Momma starts it up}
BC: She's loading the bazooka! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN for your lives!!!
{Pause}
MK: How in the HELL does opening a box become so complicated?!?! Oh, right. Because Bear is here.
BC: {running in circles around the house as Momma watches ... back and forth and back and forth} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Momma's going to shoot me! Momma's going to shoot me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: Don't be ridiculous. If anyone is going to shoot you, Bear ... it's me.
EM: {walking into the room} What's his problem?!
BC: {still running} WE'RE GOING TO DIE! {HUFF HUFF}. Don't say I didn't warn {HUFF HUFF HUFF} you! Shake your tail feathers! {HUFF HUFF} RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNN!
EM: How come I don't get the good catnip? If he thinks you're trying to kill him AND he thinks I have tail feathers ... he's on something good! We might consider an intervention.
MK: He's not on catnip. He thinks this is a bazooka.
EM: MORON! You finally got your new CAMERA!

MK: Yep. I finally got a new camera. I'm excited but scared too. I have no idea what I'm doing!
EM: Don't worry. I'll be your model and your muse, but ...
BC: {still running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
EM: How long are you going to let him run around here in panicked circles?
MK: The second best thing to an "off" button. Let him exhaust ...
BC: {still running} SHE'S TRYING {HUFF HUFF} TO KILL ME! {HUFF HUFF} SHE'S TRYING TO {HUFF HUFF} KILL ME! {HUFF HUFF} HEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!
The Boy: {from his office} If only I was so lucky ...
BC: {still running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
EM: I don't think he noticed that you're not chasing him.
MK: He doesn't notice a whole heck of a lot - not even if it crawls up his butt and he ends up choking on it. He's just a bit ...
EM: SPECIAL? He's running around like a chicken with ...
BC: {stopping} Did I hear the word CHICKEN!?!?! Where? Where's the chicken? Is it in the box? Where's my chicken?!? {turning to Ellie} And how can you be so calm?!?! Oh, sure. You came from the alien ship ... so you're just biding your time until you go back. Women are from ... from ... err ... Pluiper? Merturn? Platypus?

EM: Venus?
BC: So you admit it! Women are aliens!
EM: Momma's a woman.
BC: No. She's a MOMMA! DUH!
EM: She's female.
BC: She's a woe-man! Hahahahahaha. Woe be the man that buys THAT cow! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Boy: {walking into the room} Why is Bear mooing again?
EM: Don't ask.
The Boy: I should know better. Oh, the irony. A CAT named BEAR who likes to MOO.
EM: No wonder he spends so much time in the closet.
The Boy: Hahahahahaha.
{Momma hits the camera button}
BC: HUH!?! It HISSED at me! DID YOU HEAR THAT?!?! THAT THING hissed at me!
MK: It didn't hiss ...
BC: I can hiss too, you know! HIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS!!! Put 'em up ... put 'em up ... I'll teach YOU a lesson, tough guy! I'll beat you to smithereens! I'll show YOU who's boss around here. Come on! I DARE YOU! Make my day!
MK: BEAR! Stop it. There's no need to fight an inanimate object.
BC: Oh, sure. Take ITS side! I understand! Marginalized in my own home! My fears minimized! Misunderstood! Neglected! Left to fend for myself on the mean streets in this ... err ... house! BYE!
MK: Bear, stop! It's my new camera.
BC: WHAT?! Why didn't you say that before? I have to get out of here! No photographic evidence! Follow me, and your new toy will end up in the toilet.

{Bear takes off}
BC: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Momma's got a new camera and she's not afraid to use it!
EM: NOW WHAT?!?! He thinks everything is out to get ...
BC: OW.
The Boy: You just ran right into me! You should watch where you're going! Especially when you're running around here like a crazy pants!
BC: My pants aren't crazy! YOUR pants are crazy! MY pants are stripe-y and handsome! I wear the pants with pride!
The Boy: I wear pants!
BC: Maybe. But you don't wear THE pants! And you've been a bit lax about the mandatory pants rule. Some things can't be unseen.
The Boy: You make it sound like I walk around naked!
BC: Thankfully, you do not. Now, Momma on the other hand ...
MK: BEAR! I do not ...
BC: HEY! Don't point that thing at me! I'm getting out of here!
The Boy: Don't forget to run AROUND me this time!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! I'm getting out of here before Momma figures out how to use the camera! BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{Twenty minutes pass and Bear walks back into the room}
BC: I figure I have a good twenty hours until you figure out how to do anything but turn that thing on ... but in the mean time, we should negotiate my rate.

MK: Your what?
BC: My hourly rate to model for you.
MK: If I pay you, you'll pose as I ask?
BC: Phht. That's extra! You have to pay just to access all this sexy. Following directions is an additional cost. Pay to portray, Momma. Pay to portray. {AHEM!!!}
{Pause for dramatic effect}
BC: {to the tune of "Milkshake" by Kelis} My tabby stripes bring all the cameras to the yard.
We all know mine are better than yours,
Damn right they're better than yours.
I'll model for pictures, but I have to charge.
MK: And here I thought my camera was expensive.
BC: EXACTLY. If you can afford an expensive camera ... you can pay me for my work.
MK: Most of the pictures I take are of you sleeping or lounging around here. How's that work?
BC: I must be cute all the time.
EM: Bless his heart. He TRIES. It's not really HIS FAULT he's that stupid.

BC: No one asked you, Smellie. I accept payment in the form of tasty whole chickens or cash. No checks. And I get paid in advance!
EM: I like to show off my sexy black panther body. I'll model for you any time, Momma! For FREE!
BC: Phht. You get what you pay for! 
{Pause}
BC: So buy a fancy camera and pay me.
MK: Come on, Bear. My camera's been limping along for quite a while.
BC: Phht. A LIMPING camera! That's almost as ludicrous as The Boy talking about flying wigs. I mean, what's the point of that?!
MK: Pigs?
BC: The point of flying wigs is pigs?
MK: NO! The Boy talks about flying PIGS. 
BC: Well, that doesn't make any sense! Don't get me wrong ... flying bacon sounds fantastic ... but even if you could manage to sprout wings on the pigs ... that curly tail would be useless for navigation. Talk about a ham. What's next?! Hell freezing over?
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... {GASP} Last time we went to the vet, it was downright nippy! And NOT the good kind of nippy! Limping cameras ... flying wigs ... err ... pigs ... hell freezing over ... your new camera must be bringing the end of the world! I knew cameras were evil ... annoyingness ... all that photographic evidence ... of my misbehavior ...


{Pause}
BC: And Ellie and I looking alike ...
MK: Oh, for crying ...
BC: {running in circles around the house as Momma watches ... back and forth and back and forth} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The zombies are coming! The zombies are coming! The end of the world is near! Save me! Save me! HEEEEEELLLLP!!!
MK: If there's one thing I can say about this house ... it's great surreality.

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30 comments:

  1. Oooh quite right you get paid, and make sure you get The Shark to have any contract signed in blood, too. Hmm if the end of the world is nigh, does that mean we get to choose the new one and who gets the keys to the catnip cupboard?
    Toodle pip
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right! THE SHARK might have better bargaining power than I do! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Oh,ma new camera, how cool! MK will be having fun practicing so pick your hidey spots early!

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  3. Opening a new box is sure an event at your house.

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  4. A new camera! That should keep you busy. Enjoy! I need a new one, but it has to be simple. Auto-focus, small. They ruined Nikon's CoolPix. Have fun. ❤

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    Replies
    1. I got a DSLR - but I only use autofocus. I'm a little dense ... and the cats aren't forgiving models :)

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  5. You are a cutie, Bear! In a horrible, mean sorta way, but so CUTE! Hehehehe...

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'm not appreciated as such in my own home!

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  6. AMARULA: I will save you BEAR--come on up to Canada--we have lots of snow here but I will keep you warm! MEOW! Love your guesses by the way- "Torties Gone Wild videos"--can you believe they did not ask me to star in it???

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    Replies
    1. Hmm ... they must be saving the best for last in those videos. You can keep me warm anytime, Amarula, you sexy minx. ~Bear Cat

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  7. A new camera that hisses. I wasn't very happy with ours but it doesn't hiss...I must be nicer in case it claps out and mom wants to get a hissy camera.

    Shoko

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    Replies
    1. I'm thinking Momma's might want to learn to swim in the toilet ;) ~Bear Cat

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  8. AMARULA: PS Bear did you notice I don't have my collar on anymore cause I don't go outside as much and the birds are all gone! You can admire my lovely neckline!

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    Replies
    1. I didn't think I saw the collar ... YAY! Brothers and birds beware ;)

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  9. Bear, I can't believe you would charge your momma for your modeling services. Well, I can sort of believe it. But be careful, or else she'll just start using Ellie Mae as her model--for FREE--and then where will you be? The world won't get to see your sexiness anymore!

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    Replies
    1. Let my public demand my handsome mug! Momma couldn't resist then, right? ~Bear Cat

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  10. Bear, Ellie is so darn cute and said she loves to pose. We will still want to see you too! You have a lot of fans!

    We laughed at "dying constipated crickets."

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  11. I love these photos of you two cuties together. I know you secretly love one another. I thought Emmy was a skunk when she was outside. I started feeding her then I was afraid of getting sprayed by s skunk so I stopped then luckily, I realized she was a cat and managed to catch her.

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  12. Looks like moments of privacy will be somewhat limited henceforth, Bear. On the plus side, you'll become quite famous so maybe that chicken farm is around the corner. 😊

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  13. Hmmm...we wonder if Momma's new camera takes video? That could open a whole other can of worms, and we can't help but wonder how Bear feels about worms?

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    Replies
    1. It does! But she's working on getting pictures first. Video? Sounds like I'll be in a lot of trouble! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Guys we can hardly type fur laughing, mew are just so hilarious! Honestly we have no extra wurds fur comment as our brains just keep going back to the:

    BC: Cut up body parts from your last fiance? My boy parts? The Boy's boy parts?! What else would he expect from buying the cow?!? MOOOOOOO. Hahahaha.
    The Boy: Excuse me?
    MK: He's kidding!
    BC: MOSTLY. Compared to a black widow. I mean, the last guy never really even saw it coming. Like it's MOMMA'S fault he was low hanging fruit ... easy prey ... can you say NATURAL SELECTION?!

    We'll just continue to MOL quietly just here! MOL

    Big hugs

    Basil & Co xox

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    Replies
    1. I keep telling him ... but he doesn't believe me!! ~Bear Cat

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  15. No tasty whole chickens in the box?! Maybe the brown truck man ate them! Eek! Or maybe they jumped out of the box to cross the road to find their eggs? Hmm... I hope you get a Tortie in the stocking for Christmas my furr-iend! Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. I'd prefer a tortie in a crab cake ... but you know, beggars can't be choosers ;) ~Bear Cat

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