Friday, February 3, 2017

Bear's adoption application

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Day 1:
{Momma goes into the bathroom with all her supplies hidden under her shirt ... these supplies are known to Bear as the instruments of torture}
BC: {seeing Momma sit down} Ooooh! A CAPTIVE audience! Pet me! Pet me now!!!
MK: Hi, Bug.
BC: No, no, WAIT! Admire me first!!! Aren't I HANDSOME!?!
MK: You ...
BC: Aren't I SEXY?
MK: Of ...
BC: Aren't I TOO sexy?
MK: Why do you keep asking questions if you don't wait for the answer?
BC: They're RHETORICAL questions, Momma. R-H-E-T ...
MK: I know how to spell rhetorical!
BC: As that Miriam person says, rhetorical means, "asked merely for effect with no answer expected."
MK: Merriam-Webster?
BC: Yeah, that lady! You may pet me now.
MK: Nice elevator butt.
BC: Oooh! Oooh! Right THERE! PUUUUUURRRRRR ... HUH?!?!
{Momma grabs Bear}
BC: Put me down! Put me down THIS SECOND! This is illegal! And immoral! And JUST PLAIN WRONG!!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLP!!!! I HATE YOU!
MK: Maybe if you didn't hide when it's time to brush your teeth ...
BC: You TRICKED ME!!!! You pretended you were sitting in here and cat-napped me!!! HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP!!! I HATE YOU! I HATE MY LIFE! HEEEELLLLLP!
MK: STOP squirming!
BC: SHE'S KILLING ME!!! I'M DYING!!! I'M BREATHING MY LAST!!! BEAR ABUSE!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPP!
MK: Oh, for the love ... if you didn't fight ... I'd have your fur brushed, your teeth brushed AND your chin washed in TWO MINUTES FLAT!
BC: That's TWO MINUTES TOO LONG! HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPP!!!!! RATS!! RATS!! RATS!!!
MK: OWWWWWWWWW! Your back claw is embedded in my leg!
BC: That's what you get! PUT ME DOWN!
MK: No. Not until I've completed your beauty routine.
BC: @#$ &*#$ @#&%! PUT ME DOWN!!! Do I LOOK like I need a beauty routine?
MK: You know what I meant! Do you want to lose more teeth than you have already?
BC: If it gets me out of having my teeth brushed every day, YES!!!
MK: And you want your chin to break out into open sores again?
BC: Err ... if it means I don't have to have my chin washed ... YES!!!!
MK: There. You're done. Now was that so bad?
BC: YES! Yes SQUARED! YES CUBED! YES times INFINITY! I hate you! I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HATE YOU!!!!
MK: Well, I love you. That's why I do all this stuff.
BC: What kind of human BULLWINKLE SHIZZLE is that?
MK: "For your own good."
BC: TWITTER TWINKIES MY JEHOSHAPHAT! You're NEVER, EVER, EVER touching me again!!!! I HATE YOU!!! You and your stupid "for your own good" human ... human ... ARG!!!
{Bear struts off to sulk in his cat tree corner}.


Day 2:
MK: {Momma's sitting in the bathroom} Hi, Bear! Did you come to see me?
BC: La de da ....
MK: Come here, Bug. I can't reach you over there!
BC: EXACTLY!
MK: But you love to come and let me pet you while I'm otherwise occupied in the bathroom!
BC: CORRECTION ... I USED to love to come to you and let you pet me while you were otherwise occupied in the bathroom.
MK: WHAT?
BC: I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT AGAIN!
MK: So you just come and sit in the doorway and STARE at me?
BC: I want you to SEE my resistance! I want you to FEEL the pain!
MK: So you sit JUST outside my reach.
BC: Do you feel the pain of not being able to touch me? Let that teach you a lesson!
MK: I ...
BC: {AHEM}.
{Bear starts prancing back and forth in the doorway}.
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
Can't touch this
My, my, my, my handsome has me floored
Makes me mew, "Oh my Lord,
Thank you for blessing me
With a superior mind and too much sexy."
To my Momma I'm a present,
A super cool housecat from heaven sent.
And I'm too too much,
I'm a cat that, uh, you can't touch
MK: Ummm ...
BC: You're not clapping. I knew it! NOT appreciated in my OWN HOME! I KNEW I should've taken applications when I was homeless and looking for a forever home!
MK: I'm sorry ... HOW many people were lining up to bring you inside?
BC: That's irrelevant!
MK: I'm pretty sure a warm home and a full food bowl and lots of love is better than none of those.
BC: My food bowl isn't full! My food bowl is empty like it was on the mean streets!
MK: You had a food bowl when you were homeless?
BC: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT! I'm revoking your adoption of me!
MK: Oooookay, then. 
BC: You'll pay for this!!!

Day 2 (later that day):
{Momma walks to the front door and Bear runs to the door}

BC: Outside! Outside! I have so much to do outside! Let me out! Let me out!!!!

{Momma opens the door}
BC: SWEET FREEDOM! SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETT! FREEEEEEEEEEDOM! Let's see .... I have to sniff over here ... and roll over there ... and sample the grass in between ... and rub up on those bricks ... and ...
{Momma comes back from getting the mail}
MK: Bear! Inside!
BC: NO! I'm not ready.
MK: TOUGH! Inside!
BC: MAKE ME!
MK: {sigh} FINE!
BC: HEY! PUT ME DOWN!!! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT THIS MINUTE! 
MK: Will you go inside on your own then?
BC: OF COURSE NOT!
MK: Okay. Fine.
{Momma carries Bear in ... and while she has him wrangled, goes to the closet with the toothbrush and other torture tools ...}
BC: RATS! RATS! RATS! That's IT! You are NEVER touching me EVER AGAIN! I hate when you get all spunky like this and change things up! I'm always SCREWED!!! I HATE YOU! HEEEEEEEEELLPPP!!! She's about to kill me! Call 911! MURDER! AHHHHHHHH!!!
MK: STOP squirming you pain in my ...
BC: MROOOOW ... HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSS!
MK: OWWWWWWWWWWW! If I stop brushing your teeth, you won't have any teeth left to bite me with!
BC: I HATE YOU! I want a NEW Momma! This is unfair! And immoral! And illegal! PUT ME DOWN!!! You TRICKED me AGAIN! That's IT! I'm revoking my adoption and putting out applications for a better Momma!
MK: You've got to be ...
BC: HERE!

{To make the pages bigger, click on the image or visit the new page on our blog dedicated to the application ... Bear's adoption application}.



MK: Bear, there are FOUR PAGES of questions! Twenty-two questions in total! This is RIDICULOUS, Bear! RIDICULOUS!
BC: You have to apply like everyone else!
MK: I'm not doing this!
BC: When I was homeless, I didn't take applications and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!?!?! I GOT STUCK WITH YOU!!!
MK: I'm sorry, WHO ELSE was waiting around to give you a home?
BC: That's irrelevant! 
MK: No, it's not!
BC: LOTS OF PEOPLE!
MK: Like who?
BC: PEOPLE. ALL OVER THE PLACE! You just were the only one I let pet me and you tricked me just like you do now! Next thing I knew I was trapped inside!!! My tomming days were over!
MK: Exactly HOW much tomming did you get accomplished while hiding under the deck?
BC: It was my BACHELOR pad! One ladycat after another!
MK: Every time another cat came around you ran to hide under the deck.
BC: No. I was just preparing for company. And you served them hors d'oeuvres while they waited!
MK: You mean the food I brought for you that you were too scared to eat when the other cats came around so you hid in the dead leaves under the deck?
BC: I tell you, that was my BACHELOR pad!!! TOMMING was my middle name.
MK: Lily TOMMING Cat.
BC: Yeah. If you hadn't noticed, the FIRST question on the application addresses gender so I don't suffer through that again.  No identity confusion. I'm a CAT, not a BEAR. And I'm all BOY, NOT a GIRL!
MK: Bear, even the VET didn't notice you were a boy until she took you to the back to do an ultrasound because she was sure you were pregnant!
{Silence}
MK: And since she was a she, you can't say I was trying to date her. Yes, I noticed your dig about Meow McQuacky-Pants in number seventeen.
BC: I hate you! And I'm NOT approving your application!
MK: Great. Because I'm not filling one out!!!
BC: Ummm ... Momma?
MK: Yeah?
BC: Until I get some applications, can I get a couple ear rubs and belly rubs to tide me over ... not because you're good at that kind of thing ... a cat's just got needs you know. And you already tortured me for the day anyway.
MK: Come here, Bug.
BC: This is only provisional! PURRR ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: I like number eleven ... your favorite tortie is pretty special, isn't she?
BC: That's the only one of the twenty-two questions you'd get right. Not that I'm counting or anything ...

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41 comments:

  1. Other admirers of the night sky are up at 1 a.m., too ;-) Have a wonderful night.

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  2. Your human tortures you, too, Bear?!? And she even has the same torture devices as this human over here?!! Kitties, unite!

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    1. Feel free to adapt my new adoption application ... we don't have to stand for it!!! ~Bear Cat

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  3. Bear, I just really enjoyed reading this. I'm so totally with you on your food bowl. I can't stand an empty food bowl. Your mom is the Queen of Torture! However, the lady has a torture implement I did not see here: nail scissors!

    Big hugs to you!

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    1. Oh, she has them ... and she uses them! EVILITY they are! I like my claws and she always ruins them JUST when I get them to the proper sharpness and length!!! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Yeah, about that vet visit and the ultra sound... well, we guess that secret's out now, huh? May we suggest more belly rubs?

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    1. The funny story is that when I was homeless and my Momma brought me food, I'd ignore the food and roll on my back for belly rubs. The cat she had at the time was a venus hand trap though - so she was wary - until I wrapped my front legs around her arm and drew them to my belly (thus the "Bear hug."). Theoretically, she had PLENTY of time to be surprised ... that's how clueless she is! ~Bear Cat

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  5. I bet your momma's ear rubs and belly rubs get you every time... You'll be ripping up any applications that come in!

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    1. Not unless I confuse them with Momma's tax forms [true story!!!]. ~Bear Cat

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  6. Now Ber, you know there's no place like home!

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  7. Replies
    1. It's okay. After my Momma mistaking me for a girl and then naming me Bear, Bear to Ber is no biggie :) ~Bear Cat

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  8. Hi Bear, this is a Brilliant application form, and I may well have to get one for myself as a sort of monthly assessment for peep, to make sure things stop on track. Though as peep thought Q1 was about the applicant, there may well be a vacancy coming up soon..... Purrs Erin

    PS Re. Q.18 Is the answer B? as peep is regularly picking up all manner of things in our vacuum, much to her chagrin, as the last mouse played havoc and tickled her dust bag no end until it was released!

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    1. How undignified! My Momma's rolling on the floor LAUGHING about the word play about vacuums picking up dates. She wasn't smart enough to intend that joke (OBVIOUSLY). Though, let's be honest ... even a vacuum wouldn't be enough to get her a date ;) ~Bear Cat
      ps - I like the monthly assessment idea!

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  9. That's torture, obviously ! Hang on, Bear ! Purrs

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    1. If my Momma quit clipping my claws, I COULD hang on ;) ~Bear Cat

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  10. I. will. never. complain. about brushing. the. dogs. teeth. again. Your mum is one brave hoo-man. 😇

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    1. Phht. She says she does it because she LOVES me. What's love got to do with it? ;) ~Bear Cat

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  11. Well Bear, we couldn't read your adoption application, mommy's eyes are too old fur dat small purrint, even bigified. MOL But, ifin you're dispurrleased with your mommy, you fur sure wouldn't wanna live here. Raena's still a kitten, but adult kitties like you and me only get fed twice a day and only fur 'bout an hour. Da plate doesn't get refills, but mommy let's us graze fur up to an hour befur she takes it away. She's always checkin' our ears and teeth and eyes and wipin' and cleanin' somethin'. Mommy sings to us all da time. And me means all da time. Mostly songs she makes up 'bout us. And she luvs luvvin' on us, wakin' us up fur smooches and well, you'd fur sure have to work. We're workin' cats ya' know, so even ifin it's nap tme and mommy needs ya', you gotta work. We think you're better off stayin' right where yuou are with da pawsum and luvvin' mommy you have. Ya' know, sometimes ya' don't know how good you've got it till it's gone. Don't let dat happen Bear. Big hugs to you and your mommy.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. I know I'm pretty lucky. And my Momma loves me which is the most important part. Your Mommy is extra, extra special too. We might groan a little bit here and there, but we truly are blessed :) ~Bear Cat

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    2. We are blest indeed Bear. There's lots of kitties dat would gladly switch places with us. Fankfully, our mommies ain't lookin' to replace us. :) Big hugs

      Luv ya'

      Dezi and Raena

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  12. Bear Cat, we think that Mom takes pretty darn good care of you and we just know that you think she is special too. Those humans can be a pain sometimes but they are useful. You all have a good week end.

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  13. LOL until I got to those last two lines I was going to say I think my application would be approved based on question #11 alone! Come on over Bear, we'll take good care of you :) We don't even brush teeth here! (well, kitty teeth that is...)

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    1. I'll pack my suitcase!!!! Without the toothbrush of course! ~Bear Cat
      ps - at least my Momma has good taste in kitties and recognizes just how special torties are :)

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  14. Oh Bear, the things your momma does to you. You are so gracious to allow her.

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    1. She tricks me!!! You wouldn't think it's possible given my superior intellect ... but it's dumb luck! ~Bear Cat

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  15. I LOVE that application form! Amarula may use it in her quest for a new place to live without Frodo and Zulu! PS I totally get what you were saying about Bear biting Kitty- I think in Frodo's case he is mostly desperate for Amarula to play with him--he is an energizer bunny and can't stand to be ignored--though he does bite her occasionally. Amarula is pretty much the boss around here! Don't feel too bad about kitty--cats have their own ways of working things out which often look worse to us than they actually are~!

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    1. We bet Amarula would miss Frodo and Zulu if they suddenly disappeared. You bring up a good point about playing. Bear REALLY wanted to play with Kitty and missed the cues that she just wanted to be left alone. I actually think that explanation works better with what I know about Bear than the dominance one. It never settled quite right with me ... but it was obvious at the time he wanted a playmate :)

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  16. I love how you have your Momma riding the toothbrush like a witch's broom :) That is torture, but I know she means well.

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    1. I swear! My Momma's a witch! Or something that rhymes with it anyway ;) ~Bear Cat

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  17. Whoa! Talk about torture. I don't think the Geneva convention would approve of this. Is Stridex even approved for cats?

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    1. That reminds me that I never got back to finish my discourse on the Geneva Cat Conventions that I started in the post about my cat tree! My Momma said the vet recommended Stridex because they don't contain alcohol. I'd hate them either way! My Momma grumbled and tried to get away with not using them, but a year ago I had a couple months straight of open, painful sores so she trusted the vet and they seem to help. ~Bear Cat

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  18. Bear, for everything you have to endure, we're surprised you haven't packed your bags and left by now.

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    1. I do have my suitcase by the door! With the "Tasty whole chicken farm or bust" and "I break for food" stickers on it ;) ~Bear Cat

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  19. The toothbrush broomstick has a figure head!

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    1. I swear! My Momma's a witch! Or something that rhymes with it anyway ;) ~Bear Cat

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  20. We agree, Bear ... all of that sounds torturous. But, but ... humans DO have thumbs, which really come in handy for feeding us and stuff! :)

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    1. I know! Can't live WITH them ... can't live without their thumbs!!! Cathood is SCREWED! ~Bear Cat

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