Wednesday, January 4, 2017

The stupidity allowance

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - The stupidity allowance:

{Bear jumps on the bed in the second bedroom}.
BC: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT? WHO ARE YOU?

{Pause}
BC: Hello!!! You're in my spot! Hello? HELLO?!?!?

{Pause}
BC: HEY! I'm talking to you! You're in my nest! Well, I mean, you WOULD be if you weren't squashing it with your big butt! Holy cat poop! It's CONTAGIOUS! You've gotten into the doughnuts too! I bet you and Momma kick back with your doughnuts and diet soda and shoot the wind! No. That doesn't sound right. Pass wind! Break wind? SHOOT THE BREEZE! OH, WHO CARES?!?! It's all HOT AIR!
{Pause}
BC: The two of you are in cahoots! Her doughnut butt spread takes over MY desk chair ... and YOURS takes over my nest! Where am I supposed to sleep? Next thing you know, you'll both be trying to catcake me with your extra wide loads!

{Pause}
BC: You're in the way!!! It's time for my two fifty-three pm nap and you're in my nest!

{Pause}
BC: What? Cat got your tongue? Hmmm ... that could be arranged. Now MOVE before I test my theory!

{Pause}
BC: You'd make a great human! Deaf and dumb and always IN THE WAY! You don't talk though ... and your lap is decent ... do you have thumbs? Can you write a blog? Because I'm in SERIOUS need of an upgrade around here!
{Pause}
BC: No one ignores ME! I'll show you ...
{Pause}
BC: MooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMA!

MK: {trying not to laugh ... I mean who else but a cat would say, "I'll show you!" and then call for his Momma?} What? What's wrong?
BC: Where's my nest? Where are the holes in the comforter? MY NEST WAS REPOSSESSED!!! I'VE BEEN ROBBED! I'm nestless! I didn't even know my nest was under the sea!

MK: Under the sea?
BC: My nest was foreclosed on!
MK: Underwater.
BC: {GASP} I WASN'T MAKING PAYMENTS! 
MK: Bear ...
BC: That's what you do on an abode, right? You have to make payments! But I don't have any money! And so my nest was snatched from beneath my paws!!!
MK: Bear, I closed up the holes and put Super Bear over the holes to keep you from chewing or ripping another hole.
BC: WHAT?!?!? You put Super Bear up to this? I KNEW it!
MK: You're the one that derided me for not sewing up the holes! You said I couldn't blame you for taking the opportunity presented. So I took the opportunity away.
BC: But I didn't mean for you to ACTUALLY sew up the holes!
MK: You should have thought of that before you unstuffed the comforter! How many times, Bear? One ... last week ...
BC: I told you ... the comforter EXPLODED! I ALMOST died!



MK: Two. Earlier last week ...


MK: Three. Five days ago ...



MK: Four. Three days ago ....



MK: And then a FIFTH two days ago, and a SIXTH time yesterday. I just didn't take any pictures.
BC: I was celebrating the new year!
MK: Well, it's been a couple days since the new year, so that should be winding down anyway.
BC: Then what am I going to do for fun?
MK: Because it's fun to annoy me.
BC: EXACTLY! If I manage to find something that's FUN to do that also ANNOYS you, I get bonus points.
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: Like sticking your paw in the toaster when I'm standing a few feet away. You know, you look at me and make sure I'm watching and then you SLOWLY stick your paw down in the toaster slot.
BC: But you unplugged the toaster so you don't react anymore!
MK: Exactly.
BC: You ruin all my fun! You taped all the cords to the wall too!
MK: You were chewing on them, Bear!
BC: Because it was fun and you'd come running with your arms flailing.
MK: Because it could've killed you, Bear.
BC: That's why cats have NINE LIVES. We get an extra allowance for stupidity.
{Pause as Momma goes back to work in the other room ... meanwhile shaking her head}
BC: Hmmm ... what am I going to use for a nest now?
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm. I could pull Momma's clothes off the hangers in her closet ... or climb the clothes on the cube organizer to knock them over ... that's fun! And it'd make a great nest!
BC: I could rip up carpet until it's nest like ... 

BC: I've had success pulling the stuffing out of the loveseat ... maybe the couch would work too? The stuffing from the loveseat would make a good nest!

BC: The desk chair might work ... surely it has some kind of stuffing ...

BC: The blinds? Maybe if I chew off just a few more slats ...
BC: {looking at Super Bear} YOU! YOU have stuffing! PREPARE TO DIE!

{The dog upstairs barks}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

BC: {Talking loudly from under the bed} ... when I come out, you better be ready to meet your maker!!!

BC: You might think that by hiding under the bed, I'm a sissy! But let me tell YOU ... I hide here for YOUR protection! And the dog too! Just let me at him face to face and I'll take care of ...
{The dog upstairs barks again}
BC: HOW RUDE! You can't interrupt ME and ....
{More barking}
BC: Stupid dog with NO MANNERS!
MK: Says the cat who licks his butt in mixed company. And then licks MY food.
BC: Who asked you?
MK: I find it hilarious that you talk like such a tough guy from UNDER THE BED.
BC: This is to protect YOU! And Super Teddy. And the dog. My furry fury is nothing to be trifled with.
MK: Do you find it odd that every person, cat, dog, rabbit, squirrel, spider, toy, kitchen appliance ... basically that any THING is always the problem?
BC: Who ELSE would be the problem? The toaster mocks me. The dog upstairs mocks me. You mock me. Super Teddy mocks me.
MK: And what's the common thread?
BC: MOCKING ME! A sweet innocent little kitty cat!
MK: Well, you got the "me" part right.
BC: YOU?!?!? You put all these things up to mocking me? You're lucky I'm underneath the bed, otherwise I'd open a can of ...
{More barking}
BC: SHUT UP! Who ASKED you?
{More barking}
BC: Momma! Tell the stupid dog to zip it! And then move the stupid Bear!
MK: I can't reach you under the bed, Bear.
BC: Hardy har har ... oh wait. That wasn't even funny! 
MK: You're the one that said cats need a stupidity allowance.
BC: You knew which Bear I was referring to!
MK: Remember the time you used post-it notes to claim things around here? Super Bear was one of the things you claimed.
BC: Yes, but then I modified it ... remember? This counts as disrespecting me!!!

BC: Finally! QUIET!
{Pause as Bear comes out from under the bed}
BC: {jumping on the table next to where Momma's working} HIIIIIIIII!
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: Move the Bear or his innards are my next nest.
MK: {shrugging shoulders} Okay.
BC: Don't worry, I'll make it short and ... WHAT?!?!?
MK: I got it from the Big Dodo. I've been meaning to donate it anyway. 
BC: Is that why you don't cuddle with it?
MK: Yeah.
BC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I thought MY cuddles were so SUPERIOR that a stupid stuffed Bear couldn't compete!
MK: Come here, Cuddle Bug.
BC: NO! I WANT MY NEST BACK! NO CUDDLES UNTIL I GET MY NEST!
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. RATS! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. A little to the ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ... oh YEEEEEEAAH! Right there!


Featured posts of the day:

51 comments:

  1. I'd cuddle with you any day over that Super Bear, Bear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am cuddly! Well, except for my claws and fangs, you know. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. Oh Bear that super Bear is kind of cute. Maybe you could snuggle with him. He is a big boy. Have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Of course, you turned to your Mom. What else would you do?? It's the same here.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Actually Bear, a bear duo is kind of cool!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'd go for the pullin' the clothes from the hangers bit. They'll make a great nest if your mum doesn't see you and, if she does, she'll come runnin' with arms wavin' frantically. Either way, it's a win for you. purrs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just need siblings to diffuse responsibility! Or I can say it was the aliens again? Maybe the weasels? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. That interloper is trying to look cute - but he could never be as cute as you!

    That's Purrfect

    ReplyDelete
  7. You know what? I'm sure if you started on Super Bear's pads that you could de-stuff him in no time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are already a couple holes in him ... there's a reason that he is the only stuffed animal within my reach ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. Well, a nap is important to a cat. I am sure you made an impression on this guy! *wink*

    ReplyDelete
  9. AMARULA: Your mom sewed up the holes in your comforter! Well! There are a lot of thing you can do with a sewing kit Bear! I say get out one of those needless and poke a few holes in all those donut-filled bums!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Haha. And here I only thought dogs destuffed things. Oh Elsa...you got some fur-ious competition! 🙃

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bear, I'm starting to think you're in serious danger and under-appreciated in your home...you should come here to live with us. --Mudpie

    ReplyDelete
  12. Bear...YOU are the only "Bear" that should be at your house. I DO commend your chewing skills, I am like you...I chew just about everything...we'd make a great team. Love, Cody
    catchatwithcarenandcody

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehehehe. They never see the gnaw coming ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  13. You are a toughie threatening the stuffed bear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I told the dog upstairs to shut it!!! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  14. You said it Bear, "You, you have stuffing! Prepare to die!" We fully support Super Bear's "destuffing" one hundred percent. There can only be one Bear on the bed...and we all know who that should be! ;p

    the critters in the cottage xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. His destuffing is at ... ohh ... five percent right now ... give me a night of peace ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  15. Oh Bear, you shouldn't be so mean to your mommy. You know, our mommy's not as young and shapely as she once was, well she's still shapely, it's just da site of da shapes have changed. Anyways, we would never tell her dat she was (whispers) oversized much less fat. As fur da teddy bear, he looks like he would make a great nest. We think you're a very handsum angel. Big hugs to both of you.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am an angel! Err ... with a little photoshop ... but don't tell anyone ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  16. Bear, your house is only big enough for one bear...and that's YOU! Proceed to destuff!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Bear Ca! Mes would has killed the bear!
    Kisses
    Nellie

    ReplyDelete
  18. That bear needs to move it's donut depository away from your best, Bear!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooooooh! I LOOOOOOOVE that! DONUT DEPOSITORY!!! Post to come ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  19. Dear Bear,
    Your friend Alberto here. I found this to be an extremely interesting article as there are often "explosions" of comforters, pillows and sofa cushions at our house. The female human (thinking she was being crafty) put "sticky paws" all over the furniture. She forgot that I have a plastic chewing issue so it was no problem (and quite enjoyable) getting the stuff off. She has now ordered a new sofa....any tips or hints for breaking it in?
    Your friend Alberto

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Invite a few friends over and make a party of it? Add a little nip ... and things will be exploding in no time! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  20. We commend you on your masterful chewing skills - mama appreciates you really!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Bear Cat, we might think you were part dog - we've only had dogs that were that destructive! However, your contrariness says otherwise....that's all cat! MOL
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to play fetch (I still run after what Momma throws, I just don't bring it back anymore) and I come when called (of course, I stop a few feet short and pretend I came of my own volition) and I meet Momma at the door (to bite her)... so I understand why my Momma tells people I'm dog-like in a lot of ways ... I just put my own unique feline spin on everything ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  22. Oh man. I hate those exploding comforters. Soth would probably just see Super Bear as a new nest, though. He's soft and fluffy looking and since he's white, he's the perfect camouflaged spot for my guy!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wow, it must have been absolutely terrifying when that thing went kablooie right next to you. You can't trust anything with stuffing, I guess!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmph. And my Momma wonders why I feel the need to beat the stuffing out of things ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  24. Bear, I was waiting for you to de-stuff the bear (lowercase b). I was seriously looking forward to it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are a few pictures in http://mommakatandherbearcat.blogspot.com/2017/01/the-script.html ... Momma found some stuffing in random places around the house ;)

      Delete
  25. This was hilarious! Walter has an issue with the stuffing in our pillows on the bed so many mornings I return to the bedroom and the pillows have stuffing everywhere but in the pillow. :) An issue = Walter is crazy.... !!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What cat isn't crazy? I swear ... they declare war on the strangest things! Most of the time, I'm too busy shaking my head and laughing to be mad :)

      Delete
    2. Actually, I think the stuffing issue is more a dog thing after I think about it. Bear is dog-like in many ways and this is a good example. Cats are still crazy ... but Bear's in good company with the dogs on this one.

      Delete