Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Let's talk reindeer {Bear post}

If you're a regular reader of our blog, you know there is always nonsense going on in the Momma Kat house. My Momma would tell you I am the source of the nonsense, but our feline fans know better! Just recently, we had a scandal (The ignominious scandal), an election (Pinkie Mouse in the White House and The bait), a desertion (Don't rub it in!), and a bit of drama regarding a certain dumb boy (Evil bunny day and Bigger Band-aids). But forget the human nonsense, let's talk turkey. Wait a ... after Thanksgiving, can you say that? What's the Christmas equivalent? Talking reindeer? And if so, are they tasty whole reindeer? I hear reindeer makes fantastic gravy! For a cat, the proof isn't in the pudding ... it's in the GRAVY! [If you missed last year's Rudolph, the tasty reindeer song, you may find it in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 15 {"On tasty reindeer (part 2 - Christmas day)"}]. Anyway, our friend Erin the Cat Princess wrote a brilliant post a month ago about a bug disguised as rogue punctuation on her computer screen (Asterisk...), and that post got me thinking about computers. 

As a cat blogger (that's a cat that blogs ... not a blogger that writes about cats ... though I suppose I'm that too ... a cat that blogs and a blogger who writes about cats), I've encountered all kinds of interesting things ... but never rogue punctuation ... well, unless you count the times I popped the keys off my Momma's (now defunct ... maybe at least partially due to me ... may it rest in peace because it provided me endless fun) laptop. A couple times, I popped off a comma or a question mark along with the space bar. The space bar being the key I always popped off first ... so much so that it stopped working no matter how well Momma managed to re-attach it. So anyway. After popping off that comma key, and batting it off the table where the laptop sat, I suppose it went rogue when it got lost underneath the couch. I told my Momma she was lucky it didn't get lost like the "x" ... though in actuality, the "x" is not REALLY lost because it's in my secret stash, the location of which is, by definition, SECRET. So while it might be lost to her, it's not lost to me. Or not mostly ... because I do have quite a few secret stashes stashed around here and I sometimes temporarily forget a location until my Momma comes upon a pile of spider and random bug legs and barfed up grass while digging in her closet to find something else (or maybe she's stash hunting ... I don't trust her either way).

I'm starting to ramble like my Momma! Erin's post about rogue punctuation made me think about that bane of a cat's existence ... the computer. How many times has it been time for my meal only to hear, from the human using the infernal cat-torture machine, "Oh, just let me finish this ONE thing!" Thirty seconds later? NO FOOD! ONE thing. Lady, I finish ONE THING in five seconds ... especially if it's made of fabric and I can sink my claws into it. Give me thirty seconds and I'll turn your whole WORLD upside down! Evidence of my handiwork (and YES, I AM accepting new clients) ... 

While the human does her "work" on the computer ... I'm expected to sit and wait patiently meanwhile wasting away in front of her eyes! LOOK! I'm skin and bones and she continues to type anyway!!!
I'm not sure what I find more insulting ... that my Momma has this many pictures of my perpetual and eventual starvation or the fact that she STOPPED WHAT SHE WAS DOING to take them ... when whatever she was doing was just SO important ten seconds ago that she couldn't feed me. What really chaps my behind is when intruders are at the spot on MY table that is PERFECT for my starvation vigil glare.


But back to my starvation vigil and the human wanting to finish just one thing ... at the thirty-one second mark of finishing that ONE thing ... I take matters into my own paws.
Guess what? There's only one living thing in this house that's EVER sorry and I'll give you a hint ... it's NOT ME.

Not only do computers consume copious amounts of time and attention that could be devoted to us beleaguered felines, but their use also gives us stiff competition for those nirvanas of feline existence, the desk chair. If the human didn't use a computer, she'd have no use for a desk chair and it would undoubtedly be more available to me. Then again, if the human no longer had a use for the desk chair, a cat wouldn't want the desk chair ANYWAY. Where's the fun in stealing something no one else wants? What would a cat prove? Momma tries to distract me from the desk chair with cat beds and boxes ... but I'm onto my Momma ... and while I might fake interest in a cat bed here and there ... it's the perfect position to steal the chair, the second she gets up.


There's nothing quite like the look on the human's face when she gets up to get a drink of water and comes back to find the desk chair occupied by a cat with plenty of furry fury to defend his real estate twenty times over in the form of fangs and claws. 

Notice how widely my mouth is open in the above picture? One word ... PRACTICE. But don't feel sorry for my Momma because she deserves it (usually). Without furry fury, a cat is relegated to "sharing" (SELF-ISH!!) the desk chair or having to make do with an "extra" (aka NOT THE DESK CHAIR!!!) chair.


Even better on the spectrum of occupying the desk chair that belongs to me? When the human returns from getting up to find the feline looking completely cute and innocent IN THE CHAIR by grooming one's self as if one didn't just complete the heist of the century. For some reason, a human finds that ESPECIALLY insulting. 

Though a close second is when the human comes back in the room to find me ripping up her beloved desk chair (the "her" here not signifying ownership of the desk chair, but her love enough of MY desk chair, that she dares to phunk with my claws and fangs) or depositing an especially well marinated hair ball RIGHT in the middle of the seat. 


Yeah. MAKE ME WAIT FOR MY DINNER ONE MORE TIME, LADY!

Another of my favorite moves is to sit RIGHT below the chair as Momma walks back into the room and then jump in the chair at JUST the last second before she sits down. Drives her NUTS.





Another benefit to us cats from computers? We give new meaning to, "I'm ON the computer." And we look mighty FINE doing it ... so don't you dare interrupt us to attend to your "work." If we're really IN THE WAY such that they can't get ANY work done, they can get up and fix us dinner since we probably have mere MINUTES left in our ninth lives before we starve.




So let's get down to the computers themselves. What is the humans' obsession? They constantly MOCK us for spending HOURS staring at the wall ... yet they have no compunction staring at a computer screen for an ENTIRE DAY. How many times have we gotten in trouble for playing with the toy with a squeaker or bell ALL NIGHT LONG while the humans try to sleep (and yes, we only play with the noisy toy at night ... meanwhile engaging in a rollicking game of "My tail's on fire!!!")? And yet, they don't feel the SLIGHTEST bit of guilt in clacking that stupid keyboard while we try to sleep! CLACK CLACK. CLACK CLACK CLACK. {PAUSE} CLACK CLACK, CLACKITTY-CLACK ... ALL DAY LONG! Do the humans think all this CLACKING is some form of exercise? Though I must admit that popping keys off a keyboard WAS a bit of a workout ... and tons of fun. So maybe the clacking thing might benefit felines as well. I'll be sure to try it out the next time my Momma's rushing to finish a post. And what do you mean, "aaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssddvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvqweredfasddddddddddddddddddd" is NOT going to be nominated for best blog post? If my Momma can't manage to churn out a winner, maybe she should let me handle the business (and the clacking ... in between naps anyway).

Is our help EVER appreciated?!?! When my Momma works at the computer, she often turns her head to the side in confusion. It's the classic, "If I were making this face in the mirror, I'd burn down the house because I truly look like a dumb moron" look (and you might ask "aren't ALL morons dumb?" I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you like the three legged spider my Momma found in her bed yesterday ... those spiders are chatty!!!). So, back to the dumb moron look, I plop on the keyboard to do her a favor and rotate the display ninety degrees to 
minimize her neck strain

You'd think the computer exploded! You've never seen so much desperate button pushing. And just because I didn't feel she appreciated the first attempt, I did it AGAIN a couple years later just in case she'd developed the proper appreciation and gratitude. Luckily, I wrote down all the words she used for my future use ... "Momma! My litter box is *&^@%# $^&!" "Momma! Where are my %^&@#!  @#&* sardines and tuna in whitefish gravy?" Hehehehe. But those gems of the English language are for another post ...  


[My Momma always mumbles, "Who knew whitefish made gravy?" but I DON'T CARE as long as it's tasty gravy and I don't care what you humans call it ... or how unappetizing you find the thought of "fish gravy" ...  just saying. Because every cat knows the MOST annoying sound - even more than the infernal clacking - is the human "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" And the humans complain when we sing the song of our people for a few hours ... plus a few more ... while they try to sleep! Hmph. We all know a rollicking game of "I hear voices ... and something's stuck to me" requires a proper anthem to kick off the festivities!]  

~Bear Cat Kat

Why YES, this IS my chair, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. So nice of you to notice!









To read more ...

34 comments:

  1. Bear, the kitties around here think this is just about the most purrfect post. Those darn computers need to take a back seat (a way way way back seat) to the kitties! I mean, kitties rule, so why would a human ever consider giving a computer more attention?!? Well, you at least know how to handle such a situation. Computer sitting and chair stealing, those are for sure the ways to go. But, in that diagram of the chair, isn't your momma taking up more than her fair share, Bear? Her corner should be much smaller, shouldn't it? Well, I guess you're just super generous. Purrs to you, Bear!

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    1. That was my compromise! And you are right ... I WAS generous. And yet she doesn't appreciate my sacrifice!!! Phht. "Bear, even half my butt won't fit in that small space!" Like it's MY fault she eats so many doughnuts! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Yet more proof that humans would be totally lost without us Bear!

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  3. Oh Bear, I's not furmiliar with this reaindeer thingy. Must be another f this Christmas stuffs dat sis Dezi hasn't told me 'bout yet. She must be lettin' down on da job here. I's must have a chat with her post haste.

    You're lookin' handsum as ever Bear. Me hasn't told Raena 'bout reindeer as mes not furmiliar with them either. But they do sound tasty. Reindeer and gracy sound like a purrfect Christmas meal. As fur da catputer, it usually only gets in da way of our dinner time when mommy's doin' somethin' fur us and me's at cat scouts, so me better not complain too much 'bout dat. There are a few games dat mommy likes to play, but fankfully she can always put them on hold. It's da bloomin' teevee dat be our purroblem. Wait fur a commercial she says. Hmmmmmpht Oh well, glad you didn't waste away today. Maybe your mommy will be better tomorrow. By da way, we didn't know da keys pawpped off da keyboard. Mommy types da letters off ours. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. Humans and their "priorities!" Though, if I jump in my Momma's lap while she's working, she stop what she's doing and pet me for as long as I want, so at least it's not ALL bad :) ~Bear Cat

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  4. You are STARVED young cat TOTALLY wasting away. How could she be so CRUEL to you ;-)

    We need to send you a package of chickens - would roasted do?

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    1. Would roasted do? Hahahaha. A tasty whole chicken is a tasty whole chicken! Even if it's not whole ... it's STILL a tasty chicken! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Bear- Amarula wants to know if you want to come over and you and her can go reindeer hunting!

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    1. Absolutely! Not only do I never say no to a pretty girl (and a tortie no less!!!), but it'd be so much more fun to hunt with a friend! ~Bear Cat

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  6. It's so sad, all the things our people find to do that aren't all about us. But we persevere.

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  7. You're quite right about us humans spending way too much time on the 'puter, but you must admit that much of the time we're working on *your* blogs!

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    1. That's what my Momma tries to tell me too! But I see those cat videos she watches! Hmph. She has a cat IN THE FLESH and yet watches cat videos! Not to mention that when I try to imitate those "cats are jerks" videos to provide her with entertainment, she's not amused and doesn't laugh! ~Bear Cat

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  8. When you are ON the computer, you are truly om it Bear :)

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  9. Not ever having owned a cat, one question...do all cats walk around on counters, shelves and table tops? The dog would be severely punished for that behavior. 😇

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    1. Honestly, I'd prefer he not get on the counters (shortly after we got him, he jumped up and ran across a hot flat top stove before I could grab him ... so I even have a good reason for this) or tables or climb the furniture ... but he's his own cat. I know some people are successful training cats to stay off those surfaces, but I haven't had much success and I just choose to pick my battles - ESPECIALLY in cases where the chances of him getting hurt are small. Part of Bear's thing is that he wants to do what he's not allowed to do ... he's just that kind of cat ... so any effort to train him in what he shouldn't do ends up backfiring. My main criteria is asking if it really matters and if there's any potential for him to get hurt. If he could get hurt ... that's a battle I fight (like when he was obsessed with sticking his paw in the toaster ... I unplugged it, and VOILA! ... no more interest in the toaster) ... otherwise, I minimize the danger (like not leaving things out on the counter) and just let him do his thing because fighting it will just make it worse. You do have an excellent point though ... we tolerate more from cats than we would from dogs ... and there's no good reason for that. I'm going to have to think about that and research it some more. EXCELLENT POINT!

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  10. Humans are so lacking in the awareness department, aren't they, Bear? Seriously, why wouldn't the chair be YOURS? And WHY dies the computer have to take up so much of YOUR spot? Stay strong, Bear! :)

    Hugs,

    Gracie and Zoe

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  11. You are so right, Bear!

    My mum sits and stares at that thing for ours. I don't like being ignored!

    Purrs xx
    Athena

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  12. Bear, I'm pretty sure my kitties would agree with you on this. They likely think I spend way too much time on the computer click clacking away. Sophie and Dexter to their best to get in between me and the keyboard. Olive just goes with the flow, though. Do you know what that means? Somehow I doubt it. :-)

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    1. Like go with the flow of gravy? Because I could go with that flow! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Bear! You are so brave and have to put up with so much! Be strong!

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    1. I know! It makes me feel better to know I have friends like you, Amarula, that stand up with me against the gross injustices imposed on us! ~Bear Cat

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  14. When I got my kitty, we had a long conversation about how he wasn't allowed to pull keys off the computer because my cousin's cat did that. He has been very good--but he does break things like coffee mugs when he thinks he hasn't been fed in a timely manner.

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  15. My fav pics in this post are of Bear sitting on the keyboard. I think my dogs would do this for sure if they were smaller! I have spilled on my keyboard and a key has gotten stuck but I've never lost a key and I think I'd freak out! I'm actually stunned this hasn't happened to me yet!

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    1. Oh, yes. You truly haven't lived dangerously until you've lost a key! At least that was before I got into blogging! I think that'd be a little too much excitement for me now :)

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  16. Now I couldn't have put it better myself! Now as to removing those keys, I thought maybe they all should go and be replaced with the following: The top row could be TastyChicken, the next could be CreamAndMice, and the next could be Cheese&Nip. I'd leave the numbers as you'd want to be able to order you quantities. What do you think? purrs ERin

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    1. BRILLIANT! I have my work cut out for me ... ~Bear Cat

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  17. I heard Reindeer taste like chicken, but cannot confirm that. If YOU in fact, CAN confirm it, THAT would be amazing. :-)

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