Thursday, September 22, 2016

Feline support groups {Bear post}

As any cat knows, the life of a house cat is arduous and fraught with danger. We have to be cute 24/7, even when we're sleeping, even when we're pooping ... ALL THE TIME. And yet, we are unappreciated. Not only do the humans NOT appreciate how hard it is to be feline adorable, but we get in trouble for helping them redecorate and sharing our artistic visions. We're ALWAYS starving for food AND attention, even though we should be all that matters to them. We always get our favorite toys taken away from us, and they take us to that hell otherwise known as the vet. We cats have pride! We cats have POWER! We're little destructive, killing, and purring balls of fur and heart. Our claws and fangs speak louder than out meows ever will. We deserve respect!

Because of all this mistreatment and unappreciation and misunderstanding, I propose we form feline support groups to share our stories and share in the experience of cats everywhere. Yes, our napping schedule keeps us fairly busy, but think of all the benefits of collectivability ... shared tips, support ... maybe even a feline union to demand proper compensation and benefits from the humans that don't appreciate us. Like paid vacation days. And tasty whole chickens. Maybe a retirement package that includes unlimited sun puddles and bird tv? 

Bear Cat's suggested feline support groups ...

Alliance for Cats With (evil) Vacuums. 
These beasts are just EVIL. They eat our fur, terrorize us, and quite often try to steal our toys! Why must the humans have this monster when they have us? Stupid dog on a leash. And it's not even cute! We are much fiercer than any vacuum. And the only reason we hide under the bed when it is out is because we are protecting it from our furry fury. Let me at that vacuum and it would cower in fear and run off with its long black tail between its legs.


Empty food bowl club. 
An every day occurrence. If a food bowl is more than 4.873% empty ... starvation is imminent. Humans try to fool us with their fancy math about the bowl being 95.127% full. Empty is empty. We have eyes! We can SEE the bowl is empty. So why do humans insist on starving us? 

And WHAT'S UP with the lack of treats? We deserve a treat and wet food buffet at all times. Humans try to tell us treats are for special occasions, but HELLO! We ARE special!

Lastly, these humans think they're so clever when they "stock up" on our favorite flavor of food. They think we are so simple, so predictable, so ROUTINE that they can just phone it in instead of THINKING. We're not stupid! The second the human THINKS he has us figured out, we are obligated to remind him that we are creatures with our own minds.


Cats Against Torture (CAT). 
The humans claim to love us SO MUCH. But then they shove us in itty bitty kitty prisons to take us to the doctors of feline torture. They think they're so clever ... that these masters of torture will get us to talk and admit to all our misdeeds. Like we know how that roll of toilet paper got shredded. Do they ever ask the VACUUM for an alibi? No. Other methods of torture? Clipping our tools of bloodshed. Brushing our fangs of carnage. Oh sure. They insist it's for our "own good," but we aren't stupid!! The humans are just trying to get us to admit that we know how their favorite things ended up floating (or not) in the toilet. Torture must be avoided at all costs. Secret hiding spots, spots the humans can't reach (like in my cat tree corner) ... fair play my feline friends, FAIR PLAY. Let them torture the vacuum, the true miscreants in our homes.




Cats for Redecoration and the Feline Institute for Artistic Vision. 
Is it too much to ask for humans to THANK us for our services? Hmph. Why would one want blinds to cover a window? No problem!  We'll chew off the slats so that the sun can shine through as it should. Furniture and carpet ... it's just any old couch ... any old carpet ... until we dig our claws in and make it UNIQUE. My "Bear Cat Originals" are works of art ... MASTERPIECES. And we give our services for FREE. And that glass sitting all by itself on the counter? IT DOESN'T BELONG THERE. YOU'RE WELCOME for correcting that lapse in propriety. Oh. And we don't take that kind of disrespect from anyone, least of all an appliance or glass. BYE-BYE.


Academy of the Crazies. 
We dare you to hear the voices in our heads and NOT freak out. Oh, yes. We are PROTECTING our humans from those creatures of depravity and malevolence that constantly mock us after we poop. A little appreciation would suffice for the services we render that ensure humanity's survival. 
One last tenet ... if we think we are hidden, we CLEARLY are. We aren't stupid. The humans only claim to see us to make us feel stupid. We felines are masters of invisibility!

Cats Against Tolerating Human Incompetence.
 
Humans' incompetencies manifest themselves in a multitude of ways ... those things they call "singing," "dancing," or "exercising." For some reason, they believe these behaviors prevent them from annihilation ... but believe us ... these things are the reasons dinosaurs are extinct. Cats aren't far behind if the humans don't knock off this nonsense. 

Humans love this substance called "chocolate" like it's so GOOD ... what they fail to admit to us is that they like it solely because it's not good for us. Fried foods? The same. When one's human beings home a dozen doughnuts ... it's a direct attempt on our lives. Don't fall for it my furry feline friends!

Bored Felines United. 
Have you ever noticed that humans refuse to let us play with the best toys? If cat toys are so fantastic, let THEM play with them. What's so wrong with sticking one's paw in the toaster? Or wanting to accessorize with the perfect bra? And those cords that go into the wall? STRING!!!! But no. In this house, they're all taped to the wall. Give us REAL toys or give us death!

MINE MINE MINE, Anonymous. 
If it's within our domains, it is OURS. And we're NEVER sorry. For me, I have my desk chair, my favorite spot on the kitchen table, my favorite spots to hang out, and my kitchen counters. MINE MINE MINE MINE. Expecting me to share is selfish and I do what I want.

My desk chair ...
My hang out spots ...
How it SHOULD BE at my place at the table...
The usurping of MY spot by CRAP ...

My counters ...

Association of Selective Attention. 
Because of our most important status, we require attention when we want it and have the right to eschew it when we don't. Humans must drop anything they are doing to give us love. Examples of when we must not be bothered include when we're grooming ourselves meticulously, when we're napping, when we're eating, or whenever we feel like it.

Federation of Feline Franchise. 
We cats do what we want, when we want, and DON'T ASK WHY. If it doesn't make sense to our humans, that's only because they aren't intelligent enough to understand our complex abilities for dialectics, discernment, and deduction. Why am I hanging out in the pantry when I can't stand being in a box, being closed into or out of a regular-sized room, or confined to a carrier? Why do I try to bite the couch? Why do I always need to be on the other side of a closed door? Why do I bite without reflection or deliberation five seconds after I've demanded attention? All too sophisticated for humans to comprehend.
I want to be outside DESPERATELY (I'm not above howling) ... until I am outside. Then I want to be inside. Why? If I told you, I'd have to kill you (though I might anyway just because I can).

Did I miss any necessary organized support for us poor, beleaguered, misregarded felines, my esteemed feline compatriots? Please let me know in the comments!

RELATED POSTS:
Bear's complaints against Momma ... From Momma to ***WINNING*** {Bear post}.
Bear's inappropriate displacements ... What's wrong with this picture?
Bear vs. the vacuum ... Come out and play and Drawing the line (Come out and play - part 2).
Bear points out Momma's incompetencies ... Momma shaming and Momma's revenge (Momma shaming - part 2).
Bear labels his possessions with post-it notes ... The name game and The no name game (The name game - part 2).

22 comments:

  1. Hmmm. Sounds like we just declared independence. .. Should we gave a flag? I think all bodies need a flag, and an umbrella. Purrs ERin

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    1. Works for me!!! Now to come up with a flag ... ~Bear Cat

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  2. Hmmm. Sounds like we just declared independence. .. Should we gave a flag? I think all bodies need a flag, and an umbrella. Purrs ERin

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    1. Works for me!!! Now to come up with a flag ... ~Bear Cat

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  3. You might be on to something but I am not very organized MOL!

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    1. That's okay. We'll take turns. As my Momma always says, if cats were organized, humans would be the "pets." ~Bear Cat

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  4. Oh Bear, we don't even know what to say. Well we will say dat you and broken glass scares us. Dat would be one of those "danger" situations mommy hollers 'bout. But all in all we don't really have much to complain 'bout. We get fed when we want and treats every day. Now we don't like goin' to da torture chamber, but mommy doesn't like takin' there either. As fur dat union, we think Austin started one. It's called NUCAT. It's not very active but maybe on instagram. http://cataustin.blogspot.com/ Anyways, as always we luvved seein' all da fotos of your gawjusness. Big hugs to you and momma. Have a great day.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. Here's a secret ... I didn't actually break that glass ... it broke in the dishwasher and Momma just put the two biggest pieces on the floor. I had to check things out of course ... but there were no broken shards around and Momma knew I wouldn't use the broken glass as a toy. It just made for a nice photo shoot. My Momma is every bit as protective as yours :) We'll have to check out NUCAT - thank you for telling us about it! ~Bear Cat

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  5. OMC Mommy ran the vacuum today. Thankfully she doesn't do it *that* often...she usually just runs the sweeper. I jumped so high I was practically airborne! If the door was open I probably would've run to your house, Bear! --Mudpie

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    1. You're welcome any time!!! I have plenty of boxes and treats for us to share!! I'd even share my favorite toys and my desk chair with you! ~Bear Cat

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  6. Manna and Dexter would gladly join these support groups with you, Bear! The one that stuck out the most to them was the Empty Food Bowl Club. They eat wet food, so they are fed twice per day on a schedule. Manna and Dexter are pretty sure that I should change that schedule to feeding them any time I walk past the kitchen. They are food crazy!
    -Purrs from your friends at www.PlayfulKitty.net

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  7. Bwa! Haa!! Haaa!!! Yous makes mes laughs! What a fabulishious post! Right now my nose is out of joint because mes having to shares with my other 3 fur siblings...Mes thinks mes is the only one!
    Kisses
    Nellie

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    1. OBVIOUSLY. I like the life of an only child :) ~Bear Cat

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  8. I'm pretty sure my cats would be first in line to join Alliance for Cats With (evil) Vacuums! That's one thing that Sophie and Olive could agree on. :-)

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  9. Ha! Hilarious! I want to be in the Empty Food Bowl Club, The Bored Felines, The one for Incompetence (as long as it isn't INCONTINENCE!!) MOL! Love, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

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