Saturday, June 11, 2016

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 24

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household? 

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. Did you miss any of the daily "conversations" posted to our Facebook page within the last two weeks? These "conversations" (posted below), include the series, "the expert on broken," "Bear's fiercest and most evil adversary," and "comfort zones," plus, as usual, lots of snarky and dramatic randomness on both sides.

The other blog post in this cycle, if you missed it: 
Sunday Selfie #1:  Sunday Selfies is a blog hop hosted by our friends, The Cat on My Head. For the first two weeks, Momma didn't link with the rest of the pages, but in this post, we're properly linked up so you can check out all the entries through our post. The theme Momma chose for our selfies: Bear's ability to stare at Momma from close range for hours at a time. USUALLY he doesn't actually want anything. But every so often, he'll engage in the staring act to encourage Momma to stop what she's doing and give him his wet food treat.

See the previous collections of shorter "conversations," like the ones posted below: 

Here's the collection of shorter dialogues from the past two weeks (previously posted to Momma Kat's Facebook page; below, in order from most recent to oldest):

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

On goldfish:
BC: DO YOU MIND?
MK: I'm hungry!
BC: The pantry is occupied!
MK: I just want some Goldfish.
BC: There are goldfish in here and you don't share them with me?!?!
MK: No, not REAL goldfish.
BC: Hmph. Leave it to you humans to invent non-brand goldfish.
MK: NO. You EAT these Goldfish.
BC: I'm not stupid! What ELSE would you do with goldfish?
MK: When referring to the fish, "real" goldfish aren't an actual brand.
BC: Now you're telling me not all goldfish are fish?
MK: There's a brand of crackers that are called Goldfish! They're shaped like fish but they're crackers. Tasty crackers.
BC: What's so tasty about a cracker?
MK: THEY JUST ARE!
BC: Please close the door.
MK: Don't you find it sort of ... umm ... ODD that you like to sit in the pantry?
BC: What's that supposed to mean?
MK: You hate the carrier, you wouldn't get in a box to save your life, you flip out anytime you're closed into or out of a room, but you'll voluntarily hang out in the much smaller pantry for hours at a time with the door closed?
BC: You wouldn't understand.
MK: You're right, I don't. I still remember the time not too long after we moved in here when I assume you accidentally knocked the door to the second bedroom closed, closing yourself in. You FLIPPED out.
BC: You'd think you'd have opened the door again before I ripped up so much carpet.
MK: I was sleeping! With a hefty dose of sleeping medication.
BC: Once again, leave it to humans to not even know how to sleep on their own.
MK: But you go in the pantry and just hang out? A few times, you've been so quiet I closed you in. I'd expect you to throw a fit and let the entire state know you were trapped. That first time, the only reason you meowed is because I was looking for you EVERYWHERE and calling your name over and over again.
BC: How rude. Always interrupting my business.
MK: And then I opened the pantry door, you came out, looked around, and then went back in the closet!
BC: I had to check that it wasn't better on the other side of the door.
MK: What do you mean? I'M on the other side of the door!
{Silence}
MK: Oh.
BC: Please close the door.
MK: Okay.
{Momma shuts the door}
MK: Sh ...
BC: DO YOU MIND!?!
MK: I forgot to grab the goldfish!
BC: {sigh}. Mommas. Can't live without their thumbs. Can't lock the rest of them out of the closet.



On fraternizing:
MK: Urrrrrrrr ... uuuuuuuuuurg. Tst ... tst ... tst.
{Pause}
MK: Hi, Bug. Bear snuggles are the best.
BC: Don't touch me! And we're not snuggling.
MK: Ooookaaaaaaaaaaay. What are we doing then?
BC: Just doing my job, ma'am. I don't mix business with pleasure.
MK: Your job?
BC: Watching over you as you sleep. So no one messes with you.
MK: Err ... you're the only thing that messes with me while I sleep.
BC: Negatory. Sometimes I accidentally wake you up while defending you against the monsters.
MK: That's why you use me as a trampoline?
BC: Oh. No. That's just for fun.
MK: Fantastic.
BC: It is. But we shouldn't be talking - no fraternizing while on duty, Momma.
MK: I'm awake. Doesn't that mean you're off duty now?
BC: Are you going back to sleep?
MK: No.
BC: Okay. Pet me now.
MK: I love you, Bug.
BC: I love you too, ma'am ... err ... Momma.


On the final 'v:'
BC: WHAT the (BLEEP)!?!? Do you MIND?
MK: What?
BC: I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to this ... this ... THING that is in MY spot on MY table!
{Pause}
BC: Excuse YOU! MOVE! {SNORT!} HEY! I'm talking to you, PUNK! HOW RUDE!!!!
{Pause}
BC: FINE! I didn't want it to come to this. But you've forced my paw. {SNORT!!!}
{Pause}
BC: Prepare to die! {WHACK!}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY PAW IS WET! MY PAW IS WET! I'M DROWNING!!! HELP!!! I'M DROWNING!!! This THING that is at MY spot on MY table is trying to DROWN me!!!! HEEEEEEEEEEELP!
MK: Bear! It's just condensation ...
BC: Condescension?!?! You don't get to CONDESCEND to ME! I'll show you, you little ... you little ... {WHACK!} AHHHHHHHH! MY PAW IS MORE WET! MY PAW IS MORE WET! NOW I'M REALLY DROWNING!!! HELP!!! I'M REALLY DROWNING!!! This THING that is at MY spot on MY table is trying to REALLY DROWN me!!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!
MK: No. Condensation. Water. On the outside of the bottle. Come here! Give me your wet paw.
BC: {SNORT}.
{Bear jumps off the table to the floor, then jumps up on Momma's lap}
BC: This isn't a visit for pleasure. Just business, Momma.
MK: You just jumped in my lap for business?
BC: Yes. My paw is wet.
MK: {drying paw} Better?
BC: Yes. But there's a THING in the normal spot where I sit to remind you that it's my food time.
MK: A bottle of soda?
BC: Whatever. It doesn't belong there. I didn't 
actually want to sit in your lap.
MK: Funny. I'm petting you and you're purring.
BC: Thinking of food makes me purr.
MK: And that's all this is to you?
BC: Business. I don't mix business with pleasure.
MK: Could've fooled me.
BC: HMPH!
MK: Awww. BEAR! You didn't have to jump on the chair under the table.
BC: I TOLD YOU! This is business. And there's that THING at my spot on MY table! This is the next best available spot! I can still stare at you from here. Sure it's partially hidden - but as I said, next best.
{Pause}
BC: I'm STARING at you! S--T--A--R--I--N--G. I'm staring at you so hard you might start on fire! I might bore a hole through your ... your ... whatever you have instead of a soul! Have you ever noticed how close S--T--A--R--I--N--G is to S--T--A--R--V--I--N--G?! One more ***V*** Momma! Only ONE. MORE. --V--! Feed me before I get to my final 'v!'
{Pause}
BC: {SNORT!!!}
{Pause}
BC: {SNORT!!!}
{Pause}
BC: Did I not mention that IT'S MY FOOD TIME!!!
{Pause}
BC: RIGHT NOW!!!!
MK: Okay, okay.
BC: Food! FOOD! NOMS! NOMMY NUMMINESS! What?
BC: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!!! No brushing my teeth! NO!!!!
MK: You can have your treat as soon as you come out from hiding in your cat tree corner AND I brush your teeth.
BC: I'm not THAT hungry.
MK: Watch out for your "final 'v.'"
BC: I HATE YOU!!!
LEFT PICTURE: Bear, in his "regular" spot ...     MIDDLE PICTURE: The intruder ...      RIGHT PICTURE: The poor displaced (and hungry) cat ...


On chicken games:
BC: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAA! WHERE'S MY PLATE OF FISHY?!?!?!
{Pause}
BC: It was right here ON MY MAT when I went into hiding!
{Pause}
BC: Oh, (BLEEP)! (BLEEP) (BLEEP) the (BLEEP)ing (BLEEEEEP)!
MK: Hi, Bear!
BC: You tricked me!
MK: Well, yes. You hid in the closest spot to your plate of fishy that I can't reach you, hoping I'd get busy and not hear you come out for the fishy. Thereby bypassing having your teeth brushed and your face washed. So I picked up the plate, so that when you came out, you wouldn't get it until I brushed your teeth and washed your face.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: I'm pretty sure it's fair play given your sprint to safety. If you get to hide, then I get to pick the food up and put it in the refrigerator until you unhide and I brush your teeth and wash your face. I'm really tired of these games you play. It's like a constant chess match and I've been letting you get away with it because I just don't feel like engaging.
BC: But, but ... I WANT TO WIN THE GAMES I PLAY!
MK: Then you can't get mad at me for playing them back.
BC: YES! I can! You TRICKED me!!!
MK: I'm not sorry.
BC: I don't know how you can sleep at night!
MK: Yeah. That's another habit we need to work on.
BC: That's NOT what I meant!
MK: Yes. But having the kitty olympics in my bed every night is starting to get old. Not to mention your newest habit of CLAWING my face until I react - which tells you I'm awake - which then means you refuse to leave me alone until I give you what you want.
BC: You should be glad I'm alive!
MK: I AM glad you're alive, Bear. And this is when the trouble started. I was so glad your tumor wasn't cancerous that I put up with you waking me up whenever you wanted me to pet you. But it just keeps getting worse. You've been CLAWING my face to wake me up, Bear. That hurts! It seems like everything in this house is a constant power struggle.
BC: I was in the chair first!
MK: Exactly. That's constant battle number three. I'm not a fan of chicken.
BC: CHICKEN!?!?! CHICKEN!!!! I'll take all your chicken!
MK: I was referring to the game of chicken. Where the opponents test the nerves of the other so that the one who gives up first is known as the chicken.
BC: That makes YOU the chicken! Are you a tasty whole ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: Exactly. You've been getting away with winning these power struggles just because I don't want to play.
BC: But ... but ... I LIKED IT THAT WAY!
MK: Bear. I love you very, very much. I couldn't love you more. I couldn't admire you more ... well, scratch that one.
BC: WHAT!?!?
MK: You're a bit of a fraidy cat. Everything scares you. If you at least pretended not to be scared, I'd admire you more.
BC: I'm not scared of YOU!
MK: Yes. That's constant battle number four. I'm the only thing you're NOT afraid of and that means you can be a little ... hissy and bitey for no reason other than you can and you know I'm not going to hurt you.
BC: I'm a CAT! It's what we ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Why can't you just go back to being a pushover?
MK: Being a pushover is different than refusing to play the game.
BC: The effect is the same! All I care about is getting my way! I don't care ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! RATS! RATS! RATS!



On the expert on broken - part 1:
BC: ***AHEM*** FEED ME!!!!!
MK: Give me a minute.
BC: FEED ME!
MK: I'm working, Bear. I'm trying to work my way through the Sunday Selfies so people check out our blog.
BC: There won't be a blog anymore if I STARVE! Unless you change the name to "Momma Kat and Her STARVED Bear Cat."
MK: Hmmm. Maybe, "Momma Kat and Her NOT Starved Bear Cat?"
BC: I'm so glad my degree of starvation is a joke to you!
MK: If you're THAT hungry, I suggest you nibble on your full bowl of kibble. Then your wet food treat will be like dessert.
BC: My bowl isn't full!
MK: I'm sorry. I suggest you nibble on your 95% full bowl of kibble.
BC: No. You SHOULD say, "I suggest you nibble on your 5% EMPTY bowl of kibble."
MK: Same thing.
BC: Hardly.
MK: I know it's been twenty years since I took a math class, but I'm pretty sure 95% full plus 5% empty equals the entire bowl.
BC: Don't try to fool me with your fancy math! You can't add empty onto full! Empty is deducted from full!
MK: Fine. If you do Bear math then your bowl is 90% full.
BC: You mean 10% empty.
MK: No. I meant, YOU'RE RIDICULOUS!
BC: No, I'm BEAR. Also known as Male Princess Black Bear Cat of the Forest or Princess Buttercup for short.
MK: Ridiculous.
BC: Bear.
{Pause}
BC: Haven't you messed with my identity enough? First, you thought I was female and named me Lily, and then you named me, A CAT, Bear. NOW you're trying to tell me my name is Ridiculous! YOUR name is ridiculous!
MK: You've been sitting a foot away from me for over an hour - just staring at me. THAT'S ridiculous.
BC: Are you going to feed me?
MK: Eventually.
BC: Not so ridiculous then, is it?
MK: I'll feed you regardless.
BC: That's debatable.
MK: Do you ever listen to yourself?
BC: ALL THE TIME. My voice is SEEEXXXXXXX-Y.
MK: If you find the sound of squealing little girls sexy.
BC: Don't you have something better to do?
MK: You mean like network to boost our blog?
BC: Oh.
{Long pause}
BC: ***AHEM*** FEED ME!!!!!!!!!!
MK: {sigh} You're also a broken record.
BC: Broken? BROKEN?!?!? I'll SHOW you BROKEN! I'm the EXPERT on BROKEN!!! HIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
{CRACK - CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}
MK: That's coming out of your allowance.
BC: I don't get an allowance!
MK: You think that might be because you're the expert on broken?
BC: Oh. RATS!

Sunday Selfies is a blog hop hosted by our friends, The Cat On My Head. For the past two weeks, Momma didn't link with the rest of the pages, but this week, in a special Sunday Selfie post, we're properly linked up so you can check out all the entries through our post Sunday Selfie #1The theme Momma chose for our selfies: Bear's ability to stare at Momma from close range for hours at a time. USUALLY he doesn't actually want anything. But every so often, he'll engage in the staring act to encourage Momma to stop what she's doing and give him his wet food treat (like described in today's dialogue). Bear may be ridiculous, but he's certainly not stupid.


On the expert on broken - part 2:
BC: Remember yesterday when you said I don't get an allowance because when you subtract the cost of all the things I break each week, there's nothing left?
MK: Yes.
BC: I've prepared a financial analysis of the specifics of expenses, breakages, and allowances.
MK: Okay.
BC: My allowance this week should be $641,021.64.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: After thinking about my income and expenses, I believe my allowance each week should be $641,025.64.
MK: Bear, I don't even HAVE $641,025.64!
BC: OBVIOUSLY. The money is mine. The allowance is simply a distribution of my money on a weekly basis to myself.
MK: {sigh} Fine. YOU don't have $641,025.64.
BC: I know! That's because you've been shorting me each week by not distributing a reasonable amount!
MK: No. The total amount "you" have - to take "distributions" from - is not $641,025.64.
BC: Then how am I going to pay my expenses?
MK: What ...
BC: The tasty whole chicken factory itself ...
MK: CHICKEN FACTORY?!?! WHAT CHICKEN FACTORY!?!?
BC: Stop interrupting me! And it's not a CHICKEN factory! It's a TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN factory.
MK: {sigh} Continue.
BC: I added all the reasonable expenses I can afford given my current wealth.
MK: What GIVEN wealth?!?! What REASONABLE EXPENSES?!?!
BC: You've taken THOUSANDS of pictures of me! My assumption was 5000. You sell each one at $100,000, that's $500,000,000.
MK: $100,000 PER PICTURE?!?! Bwahahahahahaha!
BC: I was trying to be modest and give you the benefit of the doubt! You're right! $100,000 is ridiculous. It should be closer to $500,000 per picture. The value is AT LEAST $1,000,000 per picture - but I figure with your poor selling skills, I should be lucky to get $100,000.
MK: And your allowance is $4 less than the amount you expect to be distributed?
BC: Yes. There was the glass I broke yesterday. And today there's the pack of hairbands that ended up in the toilet. $1 + $3 = $4. As you can see, I calculated out everything very carefully. Five thousand pictures times $100,000 each, equals $500,000,000. Imagine I live 15 years, so $500,000,000 divided by 15 is $33,333,333.33 per year. Each year has 52 weeks, so $33,333,333.33 divided by 52 equals $641,025.64 per week. Minus the $4 of breakage/destruction this week, equals $641,021.64.
MK: The week's not over yet. Today's only Monday.
BC: RATS!
MK: And you forgot amortization of the huge things you've destroyed - like the blinds, the carpet, and the furniture. Oh! And the clothes and the sheets and the cords and cables - all peppered with fang marks.
BC: But I was generous! I assumed you wouldn't take a picture ever again! For each additional picture you take, it increases the weekly stipend!
MK: Nononononononono. JUST NO.
BC: You're cheap!
MK: YOU'RE EXPENSIVE!
BC: I want to be a rags-to-riches story. I was homeless ... now I need my riches!
MK: I couldn't love you any more than I already do.
BC: THAT'S NOT THE SAME!
{Pause}
BC: Hmm. It's actually probably BETTER. I like snuggles and ear rubs and back scratches and belly rubs. And all those things are completely free. And you don't take any of them away when I break things.
{Pause}
BC: But money is nice too, you know!
MK: Maybe we should keep in mind what really matters.
BC: What do tasty whole chickens have to do with anything?
MK: {sigh} Never mind.
BC: So I won't get $641,021.64 this week?
MK: No.
BC: So I can break anything I want and it won't reduce my allowance?
MK: How about we just NOT break things.
BC: Then what am I going to do for fun?
MK: {SIGH}.


On Bear's fiercest and most evil adversary - part 1:
BC: NO! Don't point that THING at me! What's a cat got to do to get some privacy around here? HE'S WATCHING ME!!!! No doubt he has evil designs that a cute and innocent little kitty cat like me could never imagine!
MK: Cute and innocent? You have fangs and claws!
BC: I find it troubling that the only thing you heard, while I'm being heckled by this ... this ... BEAST ... is 'cute and innocent!'
MK: Bear ...
BC: Don't BEAR me! It's either me or him. He WATCHES me. And sticks his hideous fat thumb out at me! And then he winks at me! WINKS! Talk about CREEPY! Why does he wink at me? Because he think's I'm sexy? To tease me about the unspeakable things he plans to do to me? I'm not allowing this any longer! You must choose! ME or HIM! Don't make me go ninja cat on his ... his ... umm ... hmm.
MK: He's never hurt you, Bear ...
BC: I DEMAND THE LIFE OF THIS SOUL-SUCKING PICTURE BOX! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
MK: He doesn't HAVE a head ...
BC: IRRELEVANT! By the orders of Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest, I sentence you, Mr. Picture Box, to ... to ... err ... the flames of hell!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} PSST! Momma?
MK: {whispering} Yes?
BC: Umm ... the flames of hell sound like the perfect spot for this miscreant, but where exactly ARE the flames of hell? The oven?
MK: Not quite.
BC: {no longer whispering} By the orders of Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest, I sentence you, Mr. Picture Box, to a lifetime of floating in the toilet!
MK: BEAR! The camera has never hurt you!
BC: LIAR! I've seen the pictures! He freezes me in time! Evil, EVIL magic! There's no way of knowing how much of my nine lives has elapsed or the no doubt horrid things he's done to me while I'm frozen. What if I never unfreeze again?
MK: Bear, the camera doesn't freeze you in real life! It just captures a second in time on film ... err, I mean digitally.
BC: You don't fool me! I've seen the pictures! I'm FROZEN!
MK: I just want to get a picture of us snuggling! We don't have any REALLY good ones, ESPECIALLY the ones where you're folded in my arms - because it's nearly impossible for me to take the picture and have both arms wrapped around you. You're such a sweetheart! Like putty in my arms!
BC: LIES! I'm a virile and ferocious mancat!
MK: Who goes by the name Princess Buttercup.
BC: (BLEEP)!
{Pause}
BC: My masculinity is not diminished by my ... by my ... umm ... princessy-ness! Only a man confident in his machismo would dare stand up, declare his delicacy, and demand to take his proper place as a princess!
MK: What's up, Buttercup?
{Complete silence}
BC: One of these days, you'll figure out that it isn't in your best interest to ever mock me again.
MK: Why?
BC: Why? WHY! I'LL TELL YOU ... WHY!!!!!!
{Pause}
BC: LICK, LICK, LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK. LICK. LICK. TST. TST. TST.
MK: Ummm ... Bear?
BC: What?
MK: Why?
BC: Why what?
MK: Never mind.



On Bear's fiercest and most evil adversary - part 2:
BC: That's IT, stupid picture box! Prepare to DIE!
MK: Bear ...
BC: So THIS is how it is? I come to snuggle with you and the picture box is in my place? Does he not respect the clear markings of my ownership?
MK: Markings? What markings?
BC: Look at your arm! No cat could mistake you as not taken!
MK: Yeah. Right. Thanks for the manifestation of your furry fury because I dared to pull your cat bed back up on the perch of your cat tree so you didn't slip off backwards.
BC: You are MY Momma! MINEMINEMINEMINEMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
MK: BEAR! I have it next to me so when you snuggle with me I can take pictures! Yesterday I told you I want to get pictures of us cuddling. Remember? I'm not snuggling with the camera!
BC: I bet it's EXACTLY what it looks like! You had your hands on that ... that ... TROLLOP POLYP! That FUSSY HUSSY! That VAMP TRAMP! You were even petting him! And I heard him purr! The ... the ... LOOKER HOOKER TOOK HER! ... err, I mean YOU! He stole my Momma!
MK: BEAR! I was messing around with the buttons to adjust the settings. I wasn't "petting" the camera. Nor was he purring - you heard the adjustments within the camera.
BC: He's MOCKING me! Are you blind?
MK: What?
BC: The flashes of light. They clearly shout, "Look at me! I'm cuddled up to your Momma and you're left out in the cold! Loser! Your services are no longer required. You are DONE! Don't let the door slam on your tail on the way out!"
MK: That's the flash!
BC: EXACTLY! What's next? I go to my food bowl and catch him eating MY food? Or I go to my cat tree and find him in my CAT BED on my favorite perch of my cat tree? Bear DOES NOT SHARE! I demand you ground him RIGHT NOW! I'm always grounded! If he gets away with this small slight, his power will grow until he's not afraid to kill me! A MONSTROSITY OF POMPOSITY! An ATROCITY OF FEROCITY AND ANIMOSITY!
MK: Bear! The camera isn't DOING anything! And you being grounded affects absolutely nothing! It's just funny to say.
BC: Funny to SAY!?!?! Yeah, it's so FUNNY to devastate the cat that's been with you through thick and thin. Who's never left your side! Is THIS how you repay me? You'll just turn me out in the cold?
MK: Bear, it's almost summer.
BC: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!
MK: {sigh} Bear, nothing can take your place. You're irreplaceable.
BC: You don't see its evil designs?
MK: Like????
BC: He steals my soul bit by bit! With each picture ... a little less of me remains.
MK: I think that was because of your diet.
BC: HMPH! Diet schmiet! NO. I'm not referring to my DIET. My soul!
MK: If he steals your soul bit by bit we'd know already.
BC: Are you implying that I have so little soul to take that it would already be gone?
MK: {sigh} NOOOOO. I'm saying that with the thousands and thousands of pictures that I have of you, there'd at least be an appreciable difference.
BC: EXACTLY! You don't APPRECIATE me!
MK: {sigh} And yet.
BC: Yet WHAT?
MK: I put together a blog where you're the star. I'm always telling people how you saved my life and rescued me. And I take pictures of you because you are so incredibly cute and I love you so much that I can't get enough of you.
BC: Then why did you put me on the diet?
MK: Because the vet said you should lose a little. Bear, I can't live without you, you big pain in the butt. It terrifies me to even think about it.
BC: HMPH.
MK: Can we snuggle now?
BC: So I'm not being replaced?
MK: No. I love you, Bear.
BC: {sigh} Yeah, yeah. AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
{Bear whacks the camera off the back of the couch for good measure because Momma is HIS. OBVIOUSLY.}.


On pants and princesses:
Poor Bear. He must endure the immaturity of Momma's second (and really ONLY) childhood.

MK: Yep. DEFINITELY a princess.
BC: You got that right. Bow down to ...
MK: I've never seen a princess lick his or her own butt though.
BC: How ELSE does a princess maintain a clean butt? The staff? You refuse to lick my butt!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... you're MOCKING me!
MK: Just a little.
BC: A little mocking?
MK: Maybe?
BC: Can't you see who wears the tiara around here?
MK: Who?
BC: RATS! I mean can't you see who SHOULD wear the tiara around here.
MK: What about the pants?
BC: What ABOUT the pants?
MK: Who wears the pants?
BC: Don't be ridiculous! A princess doesn't wear pants!
MK: So that means I wear the pants?
BC: Yes.
{Pause}
BC: RATS! NO! I wear the pants! You always try to trick me!
MK: Try or DO?
BC: I really don't like you very much when you get in these piquant and temerarious moods.
MK: You don't like it when I don't wear pants.
BC: I refuse to come out if you're not wearing pants, but I wear THE pants.
MK: So I wear pants, but not THE pants.
BC: Yes. No. Yes. I'm so confused. None of this pants business would matter if I just got my tiara! 
MK: But you said princesses don't wear pants.
BC: They don't!
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Hmph. If I can be a male princess, I can be a princess with pants.
MK: THE pants?
BC: What do you mean THE pants? Pants are pants.
MK: And I have to wear pants.
BC: YES!
MK: So if pants are pants, then I wear the pants.
BC: Don't you have something better to do?
MK: Like wear the pants?
BC: I really, really hate you sometimes.


On MOO!!!!!:
MK: Bear ....
{Pause}
MK: HEY!
BC: Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep!
MK: Very funny. Like I didn't see you sitting RIGHT in front of my desk chair as I was walking into the room with my food in my hands.
BC: The chair was unoccupied. 
MK: Bear, when I went into the kitchen, you were sleeping on the top perch of your cat tree. I was in the kitchen for only a few minutes and came out to find you looking from me to the chair and back again - you knew EXACTLY where I was going with my hands full. And then you jumped into the chair with that evil look of apathy and defiance when I was a foot away.
BC: So you admit I was there first.
MK: I love you, Bear, but ...
BC: You love my butt? Or are you calling me a butt? The first is just weird and the second isn't very nice.
MK: Neither is taking the chair I'm a foot away from sitting in!
BC: Whatever. You don't hear me commenting on your butt.
MK: I wasn't saying anything about your butt. I was merely going to say that I love you ...
BC: Obviously.
MK: STOP interrupting ...
BC: MOO!
MK: Is this a riff off the interrupting cow ...
BC: MOO!
MK: ... joke?
BC: There's a joke about an interrupting cow? How does it go?
MK: Knock ...
BC: MOO.
MK: I'm ...
BC: MOO.
MK: STOP ...
BC: MOO.
MK: I'm going ...
BC: MOO.
MK: ... to try to ...
BC: MOO.
MK: ... milk you ...
BC: MOO!
MK: ... if you don't ...
BC: MOO!
MK: FINE!
BC: FINALLY!
{Pause}
BC: Peace and quiet! Now I can take my nap on my favorite chair!
MK: MOO!
BC: That joke ...
MK: MOO!
BC: ... isn't fun ...
MK: MOO!
BC: {sigh} Karma is a ...
MK: MOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

As a child, I found the interrupting cow joke hilariously funny. Now, on the other end, when my nephew became obsessed with the joke, NOT so funny anymore. Yeah, the first time is still funny ... but unless you find someone who doesn't know the joke, its hilariousness exponentially diminishes after the first telling. For those of you who've never heard it:
#1: Knock-knock
#2: Who's there?
#1: The interrupting cow
#2: The interru-
#1: MOOOOO!

Fortunately, I exacted my revenge on his parents by teaching their musically inclined son the song Bear wrote last Christmas ("teaching" in this case means singing it twice - as I said, MUSICALLY INCLINED):
"Do you recall, the tastiest reindeer of all ... 
Rudolph, the tasty reindeer 
had very juicy loins. 
And if you ever saw him, 
my watering mouth yours would join.
All of the other reindeer 
used to laugh and call him fat. 
They always told poor Rudolph 
He'd make a great meal for any cat. 
Then one foggy Christmas Eve 
Santa came to say: 
"Rudolph, I'm short of tasty chickens, 
won't you help out so all cats have lickins'?" 
Then all the reindeer loved him 
as they shouted out with glee, 
Rudolph the tasty reindeer, 
No reindeer is tastier than he!"


On human hocus pocus:
BC: HEY!
MK: What?
BC: You're wearing a tiara!
MK: Excuse me?
BC: That THING on YOUR head! How come YOU get a tiara and I don't?
MK: It's not a tiara, Bear!
BC: HEY! That's Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest to you! And I want a tiara! You're not even a PRINCESS! Much less a handsome ...
MK: HEY! Princess Buttercup! It's NOT a tiara!
BC: I'm not stupid! I can see! And you're not even wearing it right! A tiara goes on TOP of your head! If you don't know how to wear it, you shouldn't have one!
MK: Be ... Buttercup! It's a wet, warm washrag folded and held over my eye by a headband. My bottom eyelid is swollen for some reason and I read you're supposed to hold a warm washrag on it to help it.
BC: I'm not stupid. It's a tiara disguised as a wet, warm washrag! You don't fool me! You and your human hocus pocus.
MK: The disguises again? It's NOT a tiara!
BC: I want one too!
MK: NO. YOU. DON'T.
BC: You just refuse to give me the tiara I so clearly deserve. You're jealous! You HATE me! I bet the tiara is really mine but you confiscated it for your own selfish means! Just because you have a tiara doesn't make you a princess! I WANT A TIARA! I WANT YOUR TIARA! RIGHT NOW! BECAUSE I, PRINCESS BUTTERCUP BLACK BEAR CAT OF THE FOREST, SAYS SO!
MK: Fine.
BC: That's RIGHT! Bow dow ... get it off! GET IT OFF! IT'S WET! My beautiful, luscious fur is WET! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's KILLING me! It's killing me! GET IT OFF! I'M MELTING! I'M DROWNING! DROWNING! HELP! THE PRINCESS IS BEING ASSASSINATED! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPPP!
MK: See?
BC: Wait a ... How can you see?
MK: What do you mean?
BC: Your eye is swollen!
MK: No kidding!
BC: That's what you get for misappropriating my tiara!
MK: I'm sorry. Are we even having the same conversation? Because it doesn't seem like you're hearing a single thing I say!
BC: I hear you perfectly well! "Blah, blah, blah-de-blah! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-de-blaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Blah-de-blah NO TIARA FOR YOU, blah, blah, blah." And a bunch of other blahs that I don't care to recount.
MK: Really funny, Mr. Funny Pants.
BC: HEY! That's MR. Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest FUNNY PANTS to YOU! And you say I'M not listening!
{Pause}
BC: I want a tiara.
MK: {sigh}. Yes.
BC: You're wearing my tiara.
MK: Be ... BUTTERCUP. It's NOT a tiara.
BC: I know. I just like messing with you.
MK: Lovely. You're very good at it.
BC: Good enough to earn me a tiara?
MK: {sigh}. Your obsession with tiaras isn't going away, is it?
BC: You DO realize I'm a cat, right?
MK: Yes. I think that was covered in the capacious nom de plume, "Princess Buttercup Black Bear CAT of the Forest."
Momma with the (pilfered) "tiara."

*** If you missed the posts about Bear's desire for a tiara, you can read them here (On tiaras): "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 22.
*** If you missed the posts regarding Bear's belief in disguises, you can read them here (On disguises): "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 21.



On comfort zones:
After speaking to one of our new friends, who is also struggling with the BlogPaws 2016 Conference​ madness, AND after making my final reservations for the trip, I decided to publish this very personal post about my own struggles. I've been sitting on the completed post for over two weeks, not sure about sharing these personal and shame-filled struggles so publicly. I hope to extend it, and elaborate more on it, in a full blog post at some point ... but for now, this is for all of you who struggle with many of the things most people take for granted. You aren't alone. And maybe if more people talk about what scares them, no single person will ever assume that they're the only one.

BC: What's wrong, Momma?
MK: I'm struggling, Bear.
BC: Is this about that ... err ... present I left you earlier? Is that why you're sad? It was a ... err ... masterpiece.
MK: No. I'm freaked out and ashamed and confused and scared.
BC: That's a lot of 'and's.
MK: I'm just feeling really overwhelmed. When I applied for the BlogPaws​ award, I never thought I'd be picked as a finalist. In fact, I probably only applied because I knew I WOULDN'T. As you know, I'm not so great at the social stuff or even selling this blog. I've never gone around asking for likes - and even with pages I visit daily, I've never asked for a single thing. There are more than a few pages I've contributed to and commented on daily, for over a year, and got nothing more from the page itself than an occasional 'like' on a comment. I just let people decide to join our journey if they like my comments on their or other pages. We've been at this for over a year and fought tooth and nail for every single 'like' up until we were named finalists. Since being named a finalist, I've been better at introducing myself instead of waiting for the other person or page to reach out. I even feel GUILTY that the 'likes' are coming easier now. And you know I have no confidence. None. If I wasn't writing as you, I couldn't do this.
BC: You don't write AS ME. I speak for myself!
MK: Yes. I think I need to go to the conference. I can't really afford it and the planning aspect is overwhelming all by itself, but it seems like the next necessary step to really living. It's the next step in figuring out how to live my life instead of just survive it. A journey YOU started for me by loving me.
BC: WAIT! You never said you'd have to go away! I don't like that AT ALL! I don't like it when you're gone!
MK: It's only for a few days, Bear. And I'm scared to death. I don't know a single person, and I don't EVER go out socially even when I'm at home, so the thought of being around so many people and making friends is overwhelming. I work from home so I am literally not used to spending time with people.
BC: Phht. Who needs 'people' when you have MOI?
MK: That's what I've been telling myself. Your heart is bigger, and you're a better living being, than most of the people I know. You've healed YEARS worth of wounds due to human cruelty.
BC: You act like you're not worth it.
MK: I can't sell myself. The whole thought of going to the conference scares the hell out of me because it's so far out of my comfort zone in every single way that I might as well go to Pluto. Never mind. There aren't people on Pluto and I love space, so Pluto would be easier. And I'm ashamed because these problems are stupid compared to people with real problems like being homeless or hungry. Most people do these things without feeling overwhelmed or crippling anxiety.
BC: I have some snuggles for you.
MK: I'd like that a lot, Bear. You always know how to fix things.
BC: I'm a cat. It's what we do. When we're not breaking things.
MK: I'm so out of my comfort zone already. I just want to hide. It makes me uncomfortable that so many people on here seem to think I have something to offer - I'm waiting to be found out as a fraud - that I'm not nearly as smart or as funny or as anything as people assume me to be. I've made some real friends and that scares me too because I don't want to mess up or let anyone down. I have a better chance of being mugged by polar bears than winning the award. But I feel like I have to go just to prove to myself that I can handle it. I'd love to make connections to write a book. I'd love to make friends even though it scares me. I'd love to win the award for you. But first and foremost, I need to prove to myself that I can. I need to prove to myself that all the beliefs I've held about myself and all the beliefs I've been told to believe about myself by other people are all crap. I'll never get past them until I step outside my comfort zone.
BC: HEY! You forget the blog is about me too!
MK: I could never forget that Bear. You've made coming this far possible. Without you, my primary concern would still be survival and not "extras" like friendships and taking risks. Love is a luxury that you've made it possible for me to afford. You're the once homeless, and most people would say "unwanted," kitten that changed everything for me. Now I need to blossom.
BC: Blossom? Like a flower? I like to bite blossoms.
MK: I meant that figuratively. I meant I need to push myself to claim a life I've never felt I deserved. Or could handle.
BC: When you adopted me, it stressed you out to cuddle all the time. I could feel your body tensing when I snuggled into your side. But you didn't move and now you tense when I'm not around. Maybe that's what you need to do here: not run from what could make you stronger and more alive - eventually, you won't feel overwhelmed by it anymore.
MK: You don't think I'm stupid for struggling with what most people would be relieved to have as their problems?
BC: Everyone has issues, Momma. You're so brave. You haven't let anything destroy you. Not your childhood, not mean and ugly people, not the Big Dodo, not your issues, not 'life,' NOTHING. And you still have a huge heart and love me more than most people are capable of. Are you CRYING? You NEVER cry! Oh, no! I'm dying! You only cry when I'm dying!
MK: Not this time, Bear. I'm just overwhelmed by how much you love me and the support of our friends.
BC: Phht. Anyone who doesn't support you has to answer to me!
MK: Err ... sometimes YOU don't support me.
BC: The only times I don't support you are when you're being stupid! Fears aren't stupid because the fears you have are reflections of the life you've lived to this point. The fears kept you safe when your survival was constantly at risk.
MK: It's funny. When I started Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat​, I wasn't going to share anything about myself. But I'm starting to think that maybe if we talk about the hard stuff sometimes, it will make it easier for other people to talk about their hard stuff instead of having it rest squarely on their shoulders. It's so easy to feel ashamed and hide which isolates you from the very connections you need the most.
BC: Like a cat. Feline connections should be required. Better than a therapist.
MK: True that!
BC: You're a badass, Momma. You're even more badass than me. You don't hide under the bed. You always fight - even when you have to fight for what most people take for granted. And you love me more than anything which proves you're not completely stupid.
MK: I love you, Bear. Snuggles?
BC: Do I ever say no?
MK: Well ... ACTUALLY ...
BC: Yeah, yeah, I know. But just because I need to bite you sometimes doesn't mean I don't love you.
MK: True cat!
BC: What?
MK: It was a play on 'true that!' Only 'true cat' because as true as what you said was, it also perfectly describes cats.
{Silence}
MK: I'll stop talking now.
BC: It's about TIME! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

***UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who not only read the entire conversation the first time it was posted, but also offered their support. I'm overwhelmed with love and gratitude. There's nothing I can put into words to express just how much your reactions meant to me - but I no longer feel alone and do feel like a humongous weight's been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you. For reading and for being our friends. We're blessed and we owe so many of you so much.***


On fanging (On comfort zones - part 2):
BC: Are you feeling better, Momma? You looked horrible on Sunday.
MK: I think so. It's so easy for me to get caught up in my own expectations that I lose sight of everything else. 
BC: You've been working VERY, very hard since we were announced as a finalist in the Best Pet Humor Blog category of the BlogPaws​ 2016 Nose-to-Nose Awards.
MK: There's just not enough hours in the day for me to do everything I'd like to do. Or everything I feel like I HAVE to do to take full advantage of the incredible opportunity given to us by being named a finalist. I feel like I owe it to everyone to make the most of the opportunity but I've already fallen way short of "the most." I really need to learn how to balance life with work and my expectations with "good enough." With perfection as my standard, it's impossible to win. I should know that by now.
BC: Before Sunday, we hadn't played in over a week! My feline instincts went haywire!
MK: I know. We've played the last two days though, since I got back on track, and that always makes me happy because playing tends to bond us when we're going crazy running all over the place. Not to mention fun. The more I get wrapped up in making everything perfect, the more disconnected I feel from what really matters and what makes me feel connected on a daily basis. Then I just feel lost and confused and can't focus.
BC: What really matters? You mean ... Like me.
MK: No. Not 'like' you. YOU.
BC: You've also been distracted when we snuggle. I'd rather have my Momma back than be on Twitter and Google+, and blog hopping and have business cards and even winning the award.
MK: I know, Bear. I think I was making myself sick trying to catch up and do everything. I've been very honest about having no plans to attend the BlogPaws 2016 Conference​ until we were named a finalist. Actually, the entire truth is that I was feeling discouraged about our blog to the point of wanting to quit. I felt like I didn't have anything worthwhile left to say and that our blog wasn't good enough to ever make a mark and be noteworthy; it didn't seem like a good use of my time and energy. The only thing that kept me going was loving you so much, wanting to keep a record of our daily lives that I can hold onto forever, and wanting people to see that every kitty's life matters. You were homeless but you changed everything for me. 
MK: Then, after being named a finalist and linking in more with the blogging community, the more I looked around outside of Facebook, which was our main social media platform, the more I realized we were missing out on all the different ways people connect. I had no experience with Twitter or Google+ and I still have no idea what I'm doing. I'm afraid I'll mess up or miss something I should do, but by not understanding what I'm dealing with, I just get frustrated and sick. I don't have time to read and get a handle on all the nuances of each platform. I clearly depended too much on Facebook and now I'm struggling to catch up and have something decent the FIRST TIME people interact with us regardless of the channel. 
MK: I didn't even manage Facebook right. I got caught up with people who don't have their own blogs so I was missing out on the community of bloggers. Not that I regret it AT ALL because we've found AWESOME AWESOME people, but looking at it objectively, if growing our blog is the goal, I failed. Not that objectivity is always the best policy because feelings matter too; now that I've connected with the "non-bloggers," I love them too and want to stay connected. But I can't do everything. I went around reading everyone's Facebook content no matter how many people I added because what's the point of everyone producing content if no one reads it? But other pages interact with their friends in different ways. And it was just last week that I learned that to tag someone you add the @ sign before their names. I don't even know the ins and outs of the platform we use!
BC: I'd rather you spend more time with me than visit all our friends' Facebook pages twice a day to read every post.
MK: I know. I was missing out on all the stuff from my personal "friends" too. Not to mention not writing posts that I want to write. Having all this stuff is kind of fluff to promote a base product and I kind of got lost on the base product. Not to mention all the time I've spent  "learning the ropes" and getting to know and reading up on all the incredible bloggers I've met in the past couple weeks just by focusing on the blogging community. After my little break-down Sunday, I took some time off my expectations and social media except for the most basic aspects until I didn't feel sick and overwhelmed anymore. Keeping up and trying to support everyone up to my own standards quickly gets overwhelming. 
MK: YOU are the blog. If I don't feel connected to you, I'm screwed. And sharing my appreciation for you and the message that even a homeless, otherwise unwanted kitten, can change the world for one person.
BC: You forgot about our friends! 
MK: No. I could never forget about our friends. I wasn't expecting such overwhelming support and understanding; from the quality and all-around awesomeness of our readers, you'd think this was a five star blog to attract such wonderful, loving, supportive and understanding people. I feel so much better and more at ease knowing I'm not alone. Our page feels like a home and a family - not just friends, but a FAMILY. And, after working through some stuff, and the support I've gotten from other bloggers (also our friends and now family), I'm actually starting to get a bit excited about the BlogPaws 2016 Conference. Which scares me too because usually when I get excited, I ultimately end up feeling disappointed. I don't know if that's an expectations problem or a reflection of the majority of the relationships I've had in my life up to this point.
BC: Except for me.
MK: Yes. My expectations were not anywhere close to the magnificent reality of sharing my life with you.
BC: I share MY life with YOU.
MK: I don't know. I think we both make the decision every single day to share ourselves with each other. That's what makes it so beautiful. I love you, Bear.
BC: I love you too, Momma. We kind of save each other from our individual issues, don't we?
MK: That's the best part! We're never alone.
BC: Except when you get confused.
MK: Lesson learned.
BC: Good! If it happens again, I'll fang you until you get the message.
MK: I wouldn't expect anything less.
BC: Err ... come to think of it, I'll probably fang you regardless. I'm a fang-y kind of cat. It's what I do.


A huge THANK YOU to all our friends, for being our friends (and part of our family), AND for being a safe place amidst all the stress and insecurities. I feel like we've already won because of the genuine connections we've made with readers and bloggers and non-bloggers. For our first-class readers whom we love so much, you'll find more awesome people (who've gone out of their way to support us) with incredible stories to tell here: GLOGIRLY - Tails Of A Cat And Her Girl and Nerissa's Life (both fellow finalists in the best pet humor blog category AND winners of previous N2N awards); Three Chatty Cats (a finalist in the best cause blog AND the best new pet blog categories - plus our newbie emotional support for the conference); Malccy's Moments (one of Momma's favorite pages, plus Malccy is Bear's best friend, or should I say "partner-in-crime"); Sometimes, Cats Herd You; Erin the Cat Princess (fellow finalist in the best pet humor blog category and confidant on the struggles of "newbies"); and Elsie's doing a comedy turn. I'm naming names because your support has meant more than I can ever express in words. THANK YOU.

6 comments:

  1. Hello Bear! Looks like last two weeks have been quite something! Can I suggest an open pantry? mines under the bed... and sofa... and bookcase. Way easier to access, way less stress and no chance of being locked in. It also makes it easier for peep to extract some of my... er... old visitors. As to pants and tiaras, a word of warning, never mix the two up! PS from one Princess to another, don't fret if you don't have a tiara to paw, a Princess wears what she pleases and is judged by her actions. I find sharp claws and a winning smile also help. purrs ERin

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    1. Hmm. I'm thinking sharp claws and a smirk is more my style. Especially when Momma does something ... err, clumsy. A cat never gets bored with a human around. Speaking of, I've never seen her mix up pants and tiaras, but it sounds just up her alley. I'll be sure to snap a picture if it happens :) ~Bear Cat

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  2. Hi Bear Cat. Somehow I missed the washrag/tiara conversation on FB. I'm not sure how you could've mixed that up with a tiara. I guess you just REALLY want a tiara! Anyway, I hope Momma Kat's eye is all better. Looking forward to hearing your random thoughts in the week leading up to BlogPaws!

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    1. Yep. Her eye is better. And I always have a lot to say. I don't know about random. That's more Momma. I have to listen to her "blah, blah, blah," into infinity. Don't worry, she only does it with me. Though you might have to listen to a lot of, "Bear this," and "Bear that ...." Momma can't wait to meet you. ~Bear Cat

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  3. We missed the "Momma Kat and Her STARVED Bear Cat" comment on FB. OMC, that made us laugh. Not because you were hungry, but because it sounded like something we would say! Human priorities are so far from the proper priorities of food, snacks, and naps.

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    1. I know! It's a wonder we're still alive! Sheesh. Humans. Can't live with 'em, can't live without their thumbs. ~Bear Cat

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