Friday, December 16, 2016

Cat v. Kat

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

Cat v. Kat - Part 1:

{Racket from upstairs}
MK: Come on, Bear! Time to move! I need my desk chair.
BC: NO!

MK: That's MY desk chair!
BC: I was here first!
MK: BEAR!
BC: But it SMELLS like you!
MK: What?
BC: It smells like you! Since you were in the shower and there was all that commotion upstairs, I needed comfort and the smell of you in the chair soothed me.

MK: Awww ... okay then.
{Pause}
MK: Wait a ... why don't you sit in my lap? I mean isn't snuggling with me better than just smelling me?
{Silence}
MK: Okay. I'll just sit over ...
{Pause}
MK: WAIT A MINUTE! My bed smells like me! Every place you sleep here smells like me.
BC: RATS!
MK: You thought I was going to fall for that again?
BC: Well, it worked the first eight times!
MK: I'm laughing ... oh, wait ... NO. I'm NOT. And it was only seven times.
BC: A cat gives a human a little flattery indicating I need you and you're all, "okay, I'll just sit over ..."
{Pause}
BC: SHEESH! All I have to do is leave a toy on your pillow when I'm done playing and I'm in the treats for days!

MK: WAIT! Those aren't presents you're leaving for me?
BC: NO! If I wanted to leave you a present, I'd barf on your ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: Alright. Move.
BC: Over my dead body!

MK: That's my chair.
BC: Hardly.
{Pause}

BC: NO! This is not right!! This is against cats everywhere! You can't squish me in the chair! I'll sue you. Or at least savagely bite you!

{Pause as Bear jumps off the chair}.
BC: I hate you! I didn't want the stupid chair anyway.

{Momma starts working}.
{THUNK!}
{CLATTER!}
MK: What the . . .
{Pause as Momma walks to where the noise is coming from}.
MK: {upon seeing Bear on the bathroom counter} BEAR!
BC: I'm not sorry.
MK: Really, BEAR? REALLY?!?!
BC: This never would have happened if you hadn't stolen my chair. {Looking into the bathroom mirror} Have you noticed how HANDSOME I am recently? I'm HANDSOME! I'm SEXY! {Bear hums his "I'm too sexy" song to himself and watches himself 
in the mirror as he struts around the counter}.
MK: So you emptied the shelves above the toilet INTO the toilet?
BC: {jumping off the bathroom counter} Hey! You left the lid open!
{Momma cleans up the mess ... then goes back to sit in her chair}.
BC: {In the desk chair} I'm not moving.

MK: That's my chair.
BC: I'm not moving.
MK: I'm going to take some pictures.
BC: Get that {BLEEP}ing {BLEEP} out of my face, you {BLEEP} {BLEEP}! You just use the camera to annoy me and make me move!
{Pause}
BC: AHH!


MK: I'm staring at you.
BC: Ummm . . . Momma?!? There's an ogre staring ... oh, wait. That's you. Talk about annoying.
MK: You blinked.
BC: I'm not moving.
MK: Please?!?!
BC: I'm not moving.
{Pause}
BC: HA! YOU blinked that time!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! NO! NONONONONO! I'm NOT moving! This is illegal! You can't use your giant oaf status to REMOVE me from my chair! HOW RUDE!

{Pause}
BC: You left your camera out! Prepare to die!
BC: {Bear runs off down the hall dragging the camera by its strap} ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
MK: BEAR! Bring that camera back here!
BC: Nope. I'm going to dump it in my water bowl. I've had enough!
MK: {chasing after Bear} Hey!
BC: {drops the camera and runs back to the desk chair} SUCKER! Ha! You moved. I OWN this 
mother-meowing chair!
MK: Fine. I'll just move the chair back and sit on my knees to reach the computer.
BC: NONONONO! You can't move MY chair! WHAT?!?! Why are you STARING at me? I'm NOT happy! And you wonder why I stare at you until you wake up! Just wait until you fall asleep tonight ... I'm going to put my nose right in your nose! And look at you until you freak out! Sweet victory will be mine!

MK: You got the chair.
BC: That's not the point.
MK: Then what's the point?
{Pause}
BC: Errr ... umm ... yeah ... no, not that ... errr ...
{Pause}
BC: ME GETTING MY WAY! MEMEMEMEMEME!
MK: So basically, you take the position directly opposite to the position you know I hold - JUST to oppose me. To prove that you're superior?
BC: RESPECT the CAT.
MK: Phht. The world would have blown up millions of years ago with cats at the helm.
BC: Hmm. Maybe that's what happened to the dinosaurs? Remember, I'm most likely a descendant of the pterodactyl. Nah. Cats love themselves too much to blow the world to pieces. It works much better to have humans to frustrate and annoy for no other reason than we can.
MK: Well said.
BC: Thank you.

Cat v. Kat - Part 2:
BC: {in a posh English accent} Observe the virile male of the species ...
MK: "Virile?" That ...
BC: {in his regular voice} Notice the flicking tail ... RATS!
{Momma titters}.
BC: {AHEM} {in a posh English voice} Notice the flicking tail, as the VIRILE MALE of the species is overtaken by a horde of annoying mosquitoes buzzing around him.
BC: Observe the virile male of the species lying in wait for his prey ...
{Pause}
BC: A juicy fat ...
MK: HEY!
BC: {AHEM} A juicy fat bison enters the plain. Notice her lumber across the plain, dragging her broad buttocks behind her. She has just eaten. Gorged on doughnuts no doubt. What little wits she possesses are dimmed by the sugar coursing through her bloodstream.
MK: HEY!
BC: The virile male cat notices the fat and slow prey. He salivates. The ferocious hunter crouches down behind the low brush ...
MK: You mean, behind your toy mouse? I SEE you, you know! You weigh fourteen pounds and your mousie doesn't even hide your entire eye!

BC: {in his regular voice} STOP HECKLING THE COMMENTARY, Momma! This is how it happens in the wild!
MK: The commentary doesn't happen in the wild! It's just added for educational television!
BC: PHHT! Like YOU would know what happens in the wild! I've actually LIVED in the wild!

MK: Oh, for crying ...
{Pause}
BC: {in his regular voice} The ferocious hunter crouches down behind the low brush ... RATS!
{Pause}
BC: {in a posh English accent} The ferocious hunter crouches down behind the low brush, his pupils dilate as they lock on the fat and juicy meal.
MK: Seriously, Bear? You have to narrate you stalking me now?
{Pause}
MK: {sigh} And the bison falls asleep from this exceedingly boring narra ... 
{CHOMP!}
MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! @#$! &*!% ^&*@!
BC: Note the brutal takedown ... the fierce tearing of the flesh by the hunter's savage fangs.
MK: LET GO!
BC: You snooze, you lose, Mom .... err ... fat, juicy bison. You had plenty of warning.
MK: I was waiting for the little wiggle butt! Where was the little wiggle butt that tells me to run?
BC: You are so exceedingly slow and fat, I didn't need the advantage.
MK: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
BC: BYE!
MK: Yeah! You better run!

Cat v. Kat - Part 3:
BC: HIIIII!

MK: Coming to cuddle, Bug? 
BC: No. I'm coming to walk all over you when you fall asleep.
MK: Hahaha. That was a good one!
{Silence}
BC: I wasn't kidding.

MK: Oh. Well, anyway ... want to cuddle while I fall asleep?
BC: Just a ...
MK: Oof! BEAR!
{Pause}
MK: OWW! Your CLAW just went up my ...
{Pause}
MK: @#$%! it! For a cat, you're awfully clumsy.
BC: No, I meant to do that.
MK: You meant to climb up my face, slip, shove a claw up my nose, and then land your butt RIGHT on my fa ...
{Pause}
MK: {sigh} That explains why you do it every night.
BC: I'm ready. You may fall asleep now.

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34 comments:

  1. That's too funny! I love the stalking commentary--in a poor English accent, no less :)

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    1. The virile male of the species is pleased. ~Bear Cat

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  2. looks like someone may need to invest in a second office chair :)

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    1. That's a FANTASTIC idea! Then I can stretch out! ~Bear Cat

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  3. I am pretty sure Cat Rule #7 says all chairs belong to the cat!

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    1. As do Rules 3, 5, 8 and 11. Though 3 says only that EVERYTHING belongs to the cat ... so it doesn't speak to chairs SPECIFICALLY :) ~Bear Cat

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  4. So did you get da chair Bear? We purrfur mommys lap to just da chair. Mommy says donuts are really good. Maybe you oughtta try swipin' one next time. And me likes to lay on mommys chest when she's asleep so she'll wake up and give me some luvvin'. Anywhere we can get some luvvin' is da bestest seat in da house. Big hugs to ya'll.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are right ... though sometimes I'm not exactly in a lovin' mood and I just want my space. But cuddling is usually my choice too ... that's what Mommys are for! :) ~Bear Cat

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  5. Doesn't everything belong to the kitties ? Purrs

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    1. That's what I keep trying to tell her!!! ~Bear Cat

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  6. Hey. Stalking is the birthright of every feline. With or without an English accent.

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    Replies
    1. True! The English accent just makes it more refined ;) ~Bear Cat

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  7. I love that photo where you are both staring out in the same direction! catchatwithcarenandcody

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  8. Ever contemplate a second office chair? 😀

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    Replies
    1. That's a FANTASTIC idea! Then I can stretch out! ~Bear Cat

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  9. You are such a cutie. I think your Momma should ask Santa for an extra desk chair :)

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    Replies
    1. Fantastic idea! Then I could stretch out! ~Bear Cat

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  10. Didn't you put a post it note on that chair, Bear, claiming it as your own?

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    Replies
    1. I did! It disappeared! I have my suspicions ... ~Bear Cat

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  11. She is VERY rude, Bear. No wonder why you bite her all the time. In this condo, I'm the one kicking peeps outta chairs and beds.

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    Replies
    1. Maybe that should be my New Year's resolution? ~Bear Cat

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  12. Hi Momma Kat & Bear, we are still laughing about the 'wiggle butt' - but seriously dude just head to Amazon and get a new office chair that clearly states it's Bear's Chair and all will be well in chair wurld!

    Did we say we just loved all your photo's today, just purrfect :)

    Sweetest purrs

    Basil & Co xox

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    Replies
    1. We're glad you enjoyed them! I could DEFINITELY use a second chair to stretch out on ;) ~Bear Cat

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  13. Don't feel bad, my cats all take over all the chairs in the house so many times, there isn't anywhere for me to sit. And they take over the bed at night too. BC, you are pretty funny and sounds like you are in charge there.

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    Replies
    1. I keep telling Momma she needs to get another desk chair ... so I can stretch out! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Amarula would love to dump my camera in the water bowl!!

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    1. Note: you'll be grounded for a VERY LONG TIME. I heard that from a friend ;) ~Bear Cat

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  15. Maybe your momma should buy you a cat sized office chair. Would that work for you, Bear? Because as we know, it's all about you!

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    1. I'm thinking I need a SECOND desk chair just so I can stretch out! ~Bear Cat

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  16. You made us laugh, BearCat, you always do... I think it doesn't matter if your mommaKat buys a new chair, it will always be yours, right :D Great pictures like always :) Pawkisses for a wonderful Day :) <3

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Yes, if she gets another chair ... then I can stretch out ... on both!!! ~Bear Cat

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