Saturday, September 17, 2016

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 31

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. Did you miss any of the daily "conversations" from the last two weeks? These "conversations" (posted below), include all the usual snarky and dramatic randomness on both sides.

The Sunday Selfies in this cycle, if you missed them: Sunday Selfie #14 and Sunday Selfie #15. Sunday Selfies is a blog hop hosted by our friends, The Cat on My Head; these posts are our entries for that blog hop.


The other post, not included below, in this two week cycle include:
*** Bear Cat here. You may call me Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest. If you're wondering why Momma let me take over blogging duty AGAIN, there's a couple reasons. The post about ??? {Bear Post}

See the previous collections of shorter "conversations," like the ones posted below: Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6Part 7Part 8Part 9Part 10Part 11Part 12Part 13Part 14Part 15Part 16Part 17Part 18Part 19Part 20Part 21Part 22Part 23Part 24Part 25Part 26Part 27Part 28Part 28.5Part 29, Part 30.

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Here's the collection of dialogues from the past two weeks (in order from oldest to most recent):


Paw Prints = BUSTED!:
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: Do what?
BC: Eat ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: {looking at the kitchen table} BEAR! Where's my lunch?
BC: (BURP)!
MK: BEAR!
BC: La de da ... de ... da ...
MK: I WAS just going to ask you why the roll of paper towels is on the floor ... but YOU ATE MY LUNCH!?!?!
BC: Oops.
MK: I swear! I turn around for ONE SECOND to pick up the roll of paper towels on the floor and the next thing I know, my lunch sprouts legs and runs off.
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, it didn't sprout legs or run off.
MK: I used a new recipe. How was the chicken? 
BC: CHICKEN?!?! Was that this "chicken of the sea" crap? What kind of recipe makes chicken taste like tuna? It tasted like tu ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! You always TRICK me!
MK: {sigh} How did the paper towels get on the floor?
BC: I have no idea.
MK: Uh huh.
BC: WHAT?!?!
MK: Were you on the counter, Bear?
BC: NO!
MK: Then why are there paw prints across the glass top of the range?
BC: I was framed!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Why would I be on the counter? There's nothing up there I want! You put everything away except for the paper towels!
MK: And how would you know that?
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... I'm just GUESSING that there's nothing up there worth playing with.
MK: So how did your paw prints get across the top of the range?
BC: I was following the buffalo?
MK: What buffalo?
BC: On the range! {AHEM!!}
Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the skies are not cloudy all day.
MK: I'm sorry I asked.
BC: Aren't you usually?
MK: So the paw prints?
BC: Hmph. They aren't from today.
MK: You were on the counter on another day?
BC: Ummm ...
MK: Because I cleaned the counters and stove top off yesterday evening before bed ... so the prints had to be made after that ... which means you were on the counter more than once if you were also on the counter another day other than today.
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: I REALLY hate that flat glass top!
MK: Or you could stay off the kitchen counter.
BC: Surely there's a statue of limitations for getting in trouble! Like twenty-four hours? So the misdeeds of yesterday are irrelevant.
MK: No.
BC: Immunity?
MK: No.
BC: Right against self incrimination?
MK: Nope.
BC: Forgiveness?
MK: Do I ever hold anything against you?
BC: Well, no.
MK: Uh huh.
BC: Your lunch was tasty.
MK: I'm glad you enjoyed it.
BC: Can you make me ... I mean ... err ... you, another lunch?
MK: Don't push it.
BC: You're eating doughnuts for lunch? THAT seems unhealthy.
MK: Well, yes. Some cat ate the lunch I prepared.
BC: You left your lunch out on purpose so I'd eat it and you'd have an excuse to just eat doughnuts!
MK: I'm not sorry.
BC: Don't expect more room on the desk chair when you demand we share! I'm not giving up any space so your entire doughnut butt fits on the chair!
MK: This from the cat that the vet reminds me isn't missing any meals. And the cat that's been refusing to play with me.
BC: But you get mad at me when I get exercise playing with the roll of paper towels!
{Pause}
BC: Uh oh. RATS! This is a really bad day. Well, except for the tuna sandwich. That was tasty.

Momma's "sharing selfishness."


Bear ... and the only remaining item on the kitchen counters that he can mess with ... the roll of paper towels. And no, he's not sorry.

Bear's quite the counter cruiser ...

(LEFT): Bear, about to jump from the counter on one side of the kitchen to the counter on the other side of the kitchen ...
(RIGHT): Bear contemplating how to snag the toy kept in the pantry (the blue fabric and wire) because it's a toy he can only have with supervision.



Bear trying to snag the toy kept in the pantry (the white fabric and wire) while the door is open, because it's a toy he can only have with supervision.


(LEFT): Bear trying to snag the toy kept in the pantry (the white fabric and wire) because it's a toy he can only have with supervision.(RIGHT): Bear waiting for Momma to take his wet food treat out of the refrigerator.


Bear looking for trouble ... that glass's days are numbered.


Deep, rolling purr of ecstasy:
BC: Ooooooooooh. AHHHHHHHHH. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Yeah. Yeah. Right PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR THERE! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ....
MK: I love that deep, rolling purr of ecstasy you do.
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...
MK: I love you, Bug.
BC: I PURRRRRR love PURRRRRRR your PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ... WHA?
{Pause}
{THUNK!!!}
BC: Oww.
MK: {looking over the edge of the bed} Oh my gosh! BEAR! Are you okay?
BC: Yeah! NO THANKS TO YOU!!! YOU PUSHED ME OFF THE BED!
MK: Ummm ... no. Not exactly. You tried to roll over on your back so I could rub your belly and you fell off the bed.
BC: Isn't that the same thing?
MK: Not EXACTLY. One minute you were here ... and the next, you disappeared off the bed. Hahahaha. That WAS a bit funny ... {Momma sees the look on Bear's face} ... or not.
BC: Oh, yeah. Laugh at the poor cat who you SHOVED off the bed!
MK: Bear ... you stretched to roll over and didn't realize you were on the edge of the bed. I wasn't fast enough to grab you.
BC: You SHOVE me off the bed and BLAME ME!!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!
MK: Bear ... I've seen you do this a hundred times before ... usually when you're not even within my reach ... I've seen you do it off the back of the couch ... off the kitchen table ... off the bed ... ALMOST off the top perch of your cat tree ...
{Bear jumps back on the bed}
BC: Hmph. If you don't want to share, you're going to have to move because this is MY BED!
MK: Bear, you rolled off the bed! I WANT you here.
BC: No. Since this is MY bed ... I want YOU here.
MK: Oh?
BC: I was speaking theoretically.
MK: Come here, Bug.
BC: NO, NO! Don't touch me!
MK: Come on, Bear. I'm sorry you fell off the bed.
BC: No! NO! Don't touch me!
MK: Please?
BC: I feel a song coming on {AHEM} ...
Can't touch this! 
Can't touch this!
Can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)!
Can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)!
MK: Oh, Bear ... that little dance with the butt wiggling at the end of each line ... ADORABLE!
BC: I wasn't done!
My-my-my-my music makes me so hard makes me say OH MY CAT,
Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and four hype paws,
That's good when you know you're down,
A super dope formerly homeless cat from the streets,
And I'm known as such,
And this is a beat uh you can't touch.

That's word because you know,
Can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh),
Can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh),
Break it down!
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh).
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh).
Stop! Bear Cat time!
MK: SOOOOOOOO A-DOR-A-BLE!!!!!!!  The little butt wiggle ... the PRANCING ... you are quite the show cat.
BC: Thank you. But I don't PRANCE. I dance. The CAT DANCE.
MK: {Momma reaches in with her nose to touch Bear's nose} Ugga mugga!
BC: AHHHHHHHHH! Your nose is attacking me! DOWN! BAD NOSE! BAD NOSE!
MK: Oww! Why'd you whack me in the face? I was trying to do the Daniel Tiger thing.
BC: In case you hadn't noticed, my name is not Daniel. And I'm not a tiger. My name is BEAR, and yet, oddly enough, I'm a cat. But that's another topic for another day.
MK: It's an affection thing.
BC: Hugga your own mugga!
MK: No. UGGA.
BC: Obviously. UGH!
MK: NO! It's called UGGA mugga.
BC: Does the name change anything?
MK: No.
BC: Then KEEP YOUR NOSE TO YOURSELF!
MK: I was just trying to be affectionate!
BC: By sticking your nose in my face?
MK: I'm sorry ... how often do you stick your nose or your butt into my business?
BC: I have needs. Ignore my needs and I'm not responsible for the consequences. 
MK: Like when your food bowl is 95% full?
BC: I think you mean 5% EMPTY. There's a HUGE difference!
{Pause}
BC: Do you mind? I need a cat nap.
MK: {reaching out to pet Bear} I love you, Bug.
BC: Yeah, yeah ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: There's that deep, rolling purr!
BC: I love ... {CHOMP!}.
MK: OWW!
BC: One and a fourth pets, Momma. That was the amount of petting time pre-authorized.
MK: Why don't you tell me things in advance?
BC: Because I don't know them in advance!
MK: Then how is it "pre-authorized?"
{Pause}
BC: Do you mind? I'm trying to take a nap! If you can't be quiet, I suggest you find another place to lay your mouth.
MK: Well ... I ... umm.
BC: Humans. Can't live with their incessant talking ... can't live without their thumbs.
MK: Good night, Bear.
BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bear.


Why yes ... he DOES know he's handsome ...



Bear Kitten talks ... 

Dear Friends,
I'm going through some personal stuff right now that's rendered me essentially humorless and unable to put more than a few words together - much less proof read. I apologize in advance for the quality of today's post. Please forgive me for the overuse of pictures and the lack of content today but I just have nothing left right now. Hopefully Bear and I will be back tomorrow, but I might need some time to find my feet. Thank you for understanding and supporting us. In the midst of experiencing the worst and most cruel aspects of humanity, it means so much to me to have true friends (and Bear Cat). ~Momma


BC: {jumping in his desk chair} Do do do. De ... do ... de ... do.
BC: Hmm ... what to do ...
{Pause} 
BC: Rip, rip, rip ... rippedy rip, rip, rip, rip.
BC: Hmm ... now what?
{Pause} 
BC: Lick, lick, lickedy-lick, lick, lick.
BC: Once ... lick, lick, lick ... twice ... lickedy-lick ... three times a tortie! And I loooooooovvvve ...
{Pause}
BC: What the?!?!?!?
{Pause}
BC: {looking around over his domain from his throne}. 
BC: MooooooooooommmmmmMMMMMA!
{Pause}
BC: It's an emergency! PDW! PDU?! PDQ! ASSUP! ... no ... ASSAP! ... no ... ASAP! BRAT! ... no ... THAT! ... no ... STAT! Nine-ninety one! Nine-ninety one!
MK: Bear ... I was in the shower! What's all this ...
BC: THE DESK CHAIR!
MK: Excuse me?
BC: LOOK at the desk chair!
MK: Bear! I have shampoo in my eyes! Because you started howling like you were dying in the MIDDLE OF MY SHOWER!
BC: The desk chair is lower.
MK: What?
BC: My view is DIFFERENT because the seat of the chair is LOWER than it used to be!
MK: Oh. Yeah. I guess I played with the lever when I was on the phone earlier. There was a whoosh and then the chair went down.
BC: Is THAT what that smell is? You FARTED?
MK: What ...
BC: Oh, no. That was me. Hehehehehe. It was a good one, don't you think?
BC: Now fix the chair ...
MK: Can't this wait until AFTER my shower? {seeing Bear's face} ...
MK: OKAAAAAAAAY.
{Pause}
MK: Hold on ...
BC: WHEE! That was fun! Can we do that again?
{Pause}
BC: {looking around} Where'd you ... 
BC: Nope. Too high.
MK: Bear! AFTER my shower!
BC: TOO HIGH!
BC: I'm afraid of heights.
MK: You are NOT.
BC: How do you know?
MK: Because you're a cat! And not just ANY cat ... you're a cat that will climb ANYTHING.
BC: Hmph. I just manage my fear well.
BC: WHAT? STOP STARING AT ME!
BC: Don't you have something better to do?
MK: Right. I'll get back in the shower.
BC: No, NO! You have to fix the chair first!
BC: Whee!
BC: Nope ... a little too low.
MK: Bear ...
MK: Okay ...
BC: Nope. Too low.
MK: You said that before!
BC: Uh oh. I MEANT TOO HIGH!
MK: Bear, the desk chair isn't a toy. You don't get free rides up and down all day long!
BC: Why not? It's fun!
MK: I'm going to finish my shower.
BC: FINE! BE MEAN!
{Momma gets back in the shower ... ten minutes pass and she comes out of the bathroom to find ...}


The Beauty of Love:
Bear and I appreciate everyone's comments, support, and love after yesterday's post. You have no idea how much those thoughts and the pictures of your kitties meant to me - how much they brightened my day and made it just a little easier to go on. I need another day to catch my bearings but Bear is already working on a post for tomorrow or the next day - whenever he can wrangle me to type it up for him :) Thank you for being our friends ... for laughing with us ... and being there when things aren't so funny. Here's two pictures we haven't posted before - as a tribute to the beauty of the feline/human bond ... the healing nature of that bond ... and a reminder that LOVE is what makes this life worth it. When you find love ... treasure it, appreciate it, give it your all, and refuse to give up on it even when any other road would be easier. If you do those things, you can live your life proudly and without regret. You can say that you left this world a better place and know the love you gave will live o
n in all the people you touch ... and all the people those people touch ... and all the people those people touch ... on and on. <3
ps - For our blogging friends, we haven't forgotten about you!!! We will be back to making the rounds and following everyone's adventures soon!


Tough love:
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: What do YOU want?
MK: I'm just seeing what you're up to.
BC: I'm busy.
MK: Okay.
BC: Bye!

{Pause}
BC: Are you still here? I said bye ... that means you leave.

MK: Well, I was thinking ...
BC: Oh, dear kitty gods! Are all humans this dense?

BC: Did The Boy break up with you again?
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I deserve hazard pay for all the post-boy nonsense.
MK: Well ...
BC: You've been pestering me all day and haven't been on the phone. You keep TOUCHING me!
MK: I thought you said you weren't getting enough attention!
BC: I only want attention when I don't have it!

MK: You're just laying on the bed doing nothing!
BC: EXCUSE ME? What do you know about being a cat?
MK: That it requires psychosis and neurosis. 
BC: Shows what YOU know! I've never met Psychosis OR Neurosis! 
MK: Bear ...
BC: Are they related to Gary and Larry?
MK: The aliens?
BC: Do you know any other Gary and Larry?
MK: Technically, I don't know THAT Gary and Larry. You just made them up to have some-alien to shuck the blame on. 
BC: What do you know about shucking blame?
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: Exactly. Are you going to admit that it was you attacking me this morning?
BC: Err ...
MK: Because it sure LOOKED like you. I'm pretty sure those were YOUR fangs I had to jump on the bathroom vanity to avoid.
BC: It's called TOUGH LOVE.
MK: What?
BC: I love you ... and I'm tough.
MK: That's not what tough love means.
BC: What do you know about tough love?
MK: Ummm ... when I brush your teeth or wash your chin even though you HATE both things. So much so that you hide back in your cat tree corner so I can't reach you.

BC: No, brushing my teeth and washing my chin are CRUELTIES.
MK: Merriam-Webster's definition of tough love ... "Love or affectionate concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner (as through discipline) especially to promote responsible behavior." If I didn't brush your teeth, you'd have lost even more teeth than you already have. If I didn't use the acne pads on your chin, your breakouts would be worse and more painful.
BC: Oh, La de da! This Miriam Webster woman knows everything?
{Pause}
BC: By the way, I'm composing a new set of rules of engagement for Boys. Because I wear the stripey pants around here!
MK: What?
BC: Rule number one ... pee in his shoes first, ask questions later.
MK: What?
BC: That way, if he hurts your feelings later, I've got a preemptive strike in there. Actually, it should be pee in one shoe and barf in the other shoe first, ask questions later.
MK: Preemptive strikes?
BC: Yep. Then after he leaves we can laugh about the pee in one shoe and barf in the other and it will make you feel better to know he didn't get off scot-free! I hit him where it hurts in the beginning.
MK: That's sweet of you ... err ... in a way, I mean.
BC: Rule number two ... claws and whacky-paws from the beginning. I'm a sucker for a good back scratch and it interferes with my ability to judge the situation objectively. I'm too easy. One little back scratch and I'm putty in just any guy's paws. Though you're not much better.
MK: BEAR!
BC: We need to work on your judgment where guys are concerned.
MK: Bear, it doesn't have anything to do with them. I'm the problem. The Big DodoThe Boy ... the only thing across all situations is me.
BC: There's a reason Kitty and I named the Big Dodo the Big Dodo. He's a DODO! I mean, he was just fine with never seeing me again. Talk about an idiot! Not to mention he was mean.
MK: No. He just wasn't easily manipulated.
BC: Exactly. Mean.
MK: I'm just a sucker.
BC: EXACTLY! That's why you should stay away from boys! When have you ever broken up with one that you really wanted no matter his inherent jerkiness?
MK: Well ...
BC: Exactly. And jerks are going to do stupid things and be jerks!
MK: When you put it that way ...
BC: I'll finish the rules of engagement later. It's past my nap time.
BC: {opening his eyes slightly} Are you still here? 
MK: Ooookay. I'll go do ... umm ... err ... something.

Thank you to ...
  • All our friends for your support, words of encouragement and love, and for being our friends in the first place. So many of you reached out or offered a listening ear and each one meant the world to Momma.
  • Sometimes, Cats Herd You for the term "wear the stripey-pants," 
  • 15 and Meowing for the inspiration to come up with Bear's rule of engagement, "pee in his shoes first, ask questions later," and 
  • Dezi'z World for offering their whacky-paw and claw services, which inspired Bear's second rule of engagement.


Sniff me:
BC: Where were YOU? You were gone ALL WEEKEND.
MK: I was …
BC: {narrowing his eyes} Were you with THE BOY?
MK: What?
BC: THE BOY.
MK: Yes, I’m familiar with who you’re talking about.
BC: Were you with him?
MK: I saw my niece and nephew.
BC: Don’t lie to me!
MK: Sniff me.
BC: What?!?!? Why would I want to do that? Did you hit your head?
MK: You smelled him before. Do I smell like him?
BC: SNIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF … you smell like … like … DIRTY SOCKS!
MK: HEY! I do not! My nephew said I smell good!
BC: He lied. Unless he LIKES the smell of dirty socks.
MK: HEY!
{Pause}
MK: I do NOT smell like dirty socks. When have you smelled dirty socks?
BC: I ASSUME the smell is dirty socks.
MK: This from the cat that loves the smell of fish and thinks mint smells bad.
BC: Fish is the mint of the cat world.
MK: Eww.
BC: If you want to kiss a lady cat, your breath must smell like fish.
MK: When have you ever kissed a lady cat?
BC: A gentlecat never kisses and tells.
MK: Which is convenient when the gentlecat doesn’t kiss lady cats.
BC: What do you know?
MK: When have you even gotten close to another cat in the past 10 years? I mean without howling and being ridiculous.
BC: There was Kitty! We necked!
MK: Bear, you bit her on the scruff of the neck to assert dominance. That's not necking.
BC: I … you … you’re PICKING on me!
MK: It’s not PICKING on you to state the truth!
BC: I'm DOMINANT!
MK: Bear ... you were a year old ... Kitty was fifteen and not feeling so hot. Not to mention she would've given you anything just to leave her alone.
BC: What do you know? She WANTED me. She wanted me so badly it scared her! I tell you ... we were NECKING.
MK: Biting someone on the neck is not necking!
BC: Oh, so NOW you're the relationship expert? 
MK: Umm ... okay. That's a good point. 
BC: Are you CRYING!?!? AGAIN!?!
MK: Bear ... I'm sorry ... I just can't.
BC: I was KIDDING! I didn't mean to bring up all your pain about you not being good enough and lovable and all that again! Stop crying! PLEASE!?!?! I love you, Momma! Boys are just stupid! It doesn't have anything to do with you! Err ... or at least not mostly. I mean, you're certainly not perfect, but ...
MK: Bear, I just can't okay?
BC: Come here, Momma. You can hold me for however long you want, okay? I love you, Momma. Please stop crying!
MK: I love you too {choking back a sob}, Bug.
BC: Umm ... I meant you can hold me until my wet food treat time. 


Again:
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: {sigh} AGAIN?
MK: Well, I need a hug!
BC: This never would've happened if you'd listened to me to begin with! Boys are BAD, BAD, BAD! I'm a boy! I should know! Most of us don't know what we want and have no clue what we have until it's gone!
MK: I know you told me.
BC: Remember Bella? My tiny black girl cat? She came and visited me EVERY DAY for THREE YEARS!
MK: How could I forget that caterwauling every morning at five am?
BC: I sat there serenading her and giving her googly eyes through the window for a couple hours EVERY SINGLE DAY. But the couple times you let me go out to sniff her, I got scared and ran back inside! I wanted a girl cat until I actually had the chance to have one and then I was too scared! Now she doesn't stop by any more and I miss her! I didn't appreciate her and now she's gone!!!

MK: Well, to be honest, she didn't just stop coming around. She came less and less frequently until she didn't come by anymore.
BC: The result is the same! I didn't appreciate her until a couple months after she stopped coming around! Boys are stupid!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid! We don't know a good girl cat when we see one. And she came by every day for YEARS! JUST for me!
MK: I'm sorry, Bear. I wish I knew where she lived. I'd go and talk to her for you.
BC: But back to you! You didn't listen to me ... and now our blog is suffering! You haven't been visiting our friends even though they've still been coming around and have been supportive!
MK: Bear ... I can't even manage some of the most basic aspects of my day ... I can't concentrate ... my mind races or I'm depressed and I can't get a coherent thought out! But I've been pushing myself to do every single thing I can to be there for our friends too. I'm sorry for needing a day or three to catch up everywhere.
BC: Not to mention you randomly breaking out into tears! You can't even manage a decent post. No one is going to read our blog anymore if you don't figure your life out and get it together. It was bad enough when you started neglecting the blog and me to put everything in the relationship ... but it's something else entirely to ruin the blog over the relationship's demise! Sad isn't funny!
MK: I have issues.
BC: YOU'RE TELLING ME!
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} Bear hugs ... doughnuts ... crying ... moping. Sheesh. You used to be able to control EVERYTHING so completely! 
MK: Yeah, but that wasn't so good for me either.
BC: You're starting to scare me!
MK: I'm starting to scare MYSELF.
BC: You FEEL now.
MK: I'm aware. That's part of my recovery from anorexia, Bear. Not using food to manage my feelings and numb out.
BC: Ummm ... DOUGHNUTS!
MK: Err ... I meant using not eating to manage my feelings, numb out, and express my hatred toward myself. I couldn't take the pain inflicted on me by life and the people around me and I saw food as love so I rejected everything. Food (as the proxy for love). No more food symbolized no more needs for anything outside of myself.
BC: Well, THAT'S (BLEEP)ED UP!
MK: Yeah. I never said it wasn't.
BC: And you need me!
MK: Well, yeah. That's why I tell everyone that you saved me. You love me regardless. You healed the wounds inflicted by the cruelty of humanity. You gave me something to fight for when I had no desire to fight for myself. You made sure I kept laughing.
BC: I AM pretty funny. I mean, you obviously don't laugh AT me. You laugh because of my zingers and sense of humor.
MK: Err ...
BC: Now you're crying all the time. And grabbing me all the time! And the doughnuts ... NO SELF CONTROL. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MOMMA?
MK: I got healthy and let myself live a little. I took a chance for something better and I got hurt.
BC: Ummm ...
MK: Okay, okay. Health-IER.
BC: Ummm ...
MK: {sigh} Hey, I said live a little. I never claimed to actually have a life.
BC: Food isn't love, Momma. Only love is love. And I have lots of love. I'm a purrball of love!
MK: You also have lots of claws and fangs ... which you use indiscriminately.
BC: NO. I set BOUNDARIES. You could learn the skill instead of giving everything to everyone and then wondering why you're not appreciated.
MK: What boundary were you setting last night when you came up behind me as I was standing in the kitchen, bit me on the back of the leg, and then ran off?
BC: None. That was just FUN. You should try to have some, you know.
{Pause}
BC: RATS! You tricked me. AGAIN! Every time you trick me, I should take away a cuddle!
MK: Says the cat that thinks he doesn't get enough attention.
BC: Not now! There's always a run by cuddle looming! I'm SOUND asleep and you try to gather me up into a hug and then won't let go! Get a hold of yourself woman! I've NEVER seen you this upset! NEVER. In ten years! It's like you're LOST and can't find your way anymore! I should draw a map. Hmmm. I'm going to draw you a map!!!
{Pause}
BC: YEAH! From feeling heartbroken, unlovable, unwant-able, not good enough, etc to chasing me around again like the crazy Momma you are because it's crazy fun!
MK: Will the directions include lots of Bear hugs?
BC: {sigh}.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Yeah, yeah. I'm busy working on your map. I don't want to be disturbed.


We have some pretty incredible pictures of us cuddling. You can see the love and see the beauty of the bond we share. We're pretty lucky, right?















Do you feel lucky?:
BC: I’m your worst nightmare, punk!
{Pause}
BC: Oh, yeah? You want to mess with me? You want some of this? I make litter box deposits bigger than you!
MK: Uh oh.
{Pause}
BC: I bring order to this house, realm of Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest, one ripped leg at a time.

{THWACK!}
{CRASH!!!!}
BC: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-YAH! Yippee-cat-yay, mothermeower.
MK: Bear ... what are you doing? I still don't get why you just randomly choose to walk in the pantry and hang out ... and then meow until I close the door with you inside.
BC: If I want your opinion, I’ll whacky-paw it out of you.
MK: {Momma knocks on the closed pantry door} Bear, what the heck are you doing in there?

BC: It’s not necessary to lay a foul tongue on me, Momma. I could get upset. Things could get out of paw. Then in self-defense, I could do something to you that you would not like.
MK: Bear! What are you doing in the pantry? I'm coming in!

BC: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you're looking for feathers, I can tell you I don’t have tasty whole chickens. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over nine lives. Skills that make my claws a nightmare for Mommas like you. If you never brush my teeth again, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you stick that toothbrush in my face one more time, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
{Silence}
BC: {glaring at Momma} Do you mind?

BC: Make your five dollar doughnut butt leave me alone before I make change!
MK: Bear ...
BC: You don't understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. YOU'RE locked up in here with ME.
MK: That's a problem. Technically, we're not locked up anywhere.
BC: Solving problems isn’t my line. I deal in claws and fangs, Momma.
MK: Are you repeating random movie tough guy lines?
BC: I used to (BLEEP) guys like you in prison!
MK: Umm ... Bear? When have you been in prison?
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: I used to (BLEEP) guys like you in my carrier!
{Pause}
BC: It doesn't work quite as well, does it?
MK: No. Not really.
BC: Don’t let your mouth get your doughnut butt in trouble. Err ... I mean other than by eating the doughnuts with your mouth in the first place.
MK: Ummmmmm ...
BC: Forgiveness is between you and the kitty gods. It's my job to arrange the meeting.
MK: Hey! I do the best I can around here!
BC: Your best?! Losers always whine about doing their best. Winners go home and (BLEEP) a tasty whole chicken!
MK: BEAR!
BC: That didn't translate well. I mean winners go home and EAT a tasty whole chicken, but not ... umm ... get to know it intimately.
MK: Am I dreaming? This feels like a dream.
BC: I’m your worst nightmare, Momma.
MK: You already used that one.
BC: To the spider! I'm your worst nightmare too!
MK: Fair enough.
BC: In here, due process is my claws and fangs.
MK: Bear ...
BC: I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did I clip his claws five days ago or six?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I lost track myself. But being this is an eighteen claw special, the most powerful claws in the world, you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well? Do ya, Momma?
MK: {rolling her eyes} Oh, Bear ... come out of there!
BC: You wanna mess with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friends ... my claws! 

MK: Okay. That's IT! {AHEM!!!} You make sounds like you’re a mean little doughnut butt-biter, but I'm not convinced. You keep talking, and you're grounded.
BC: You’ll ground me? You ground me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.
MK: I'm from the United States of BITE ME.
{Pause}
MK: DANG IT! I didn't mean that lit ...
BC: {Bear swaggers out of the pantry} {CHOMP!}
MK: OWW! I find it interesting that of all the things you hear me say, that is the ONLY ONE you actually listen to!
BC: Don't teach them biting. Teach them to kill. That way, when they meet some sonofacat who studied biting, they send his soul to the vet.
MK: Hahahaha. That's actually a good one! Instead of 'hell' you said 'the vet.'
BC: I wish you had more time to admire my wit. Imagine the future, Momma, because you’re not in it.
{Pause}
BC: MRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

MK: Hey, Mr. Big Pants, you're exactly as big as I let you be.
BC: Mommas lose appendages talking like that. If you want to hang around, you’ll hold my furry fury in awe. If it bleeds, I can rip it off.
MK: If we do fight, I'll only use my left thumb. My right thumb is much too powerful for you. Especially since you don't have any thumbs.
BC: But ... I ... umm ... GRRRRRRR ... this isn't over!
MK: That's right! You aren't going to fight me?...Then you ought not point your claws at me. It's insincere.
BC: I ... err ... I'm just soooo ... sooo ... MAD! I'm going to do ... do ... ummm ... HORRIBLE things to you! TAKE THAT!
{The doorbell rings}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They're after me! They're after me! {Bear runs under the bed}.
MK: {chuckling to herself} Mr. Tough Pants strikes again!


How to get to ... :
BC: I finished my map for you. I worked really, REALLY hard on it, Momma!

MK: What map?
BC: Remember the other day when I told you to get a hold of yourself because I've NEVER seen you this upset? You've been acting LOST and unable to find your way! So I suggested I draw you a map. A map f
rom feeling heartbroken, unlovable, unwant-able, not good enough, etc to chasing me around again like the crazy Momma you are because it's crazy fun!
MK: Uh oh.
BC: I just need you to draw it up because my paw-writing takes me FOREVER!
{Pause}
BC: Grab some markers, a pen, and some paper.
MK: YES, SIR!
BC: That's Male Princess Black Bear Cat of the Forest to you!
MK: How could I forget?
BC: You aren't exactly the sharpest claw on the paw.
{Pause}
MK: Bear, where are all of our pens?
BC: For real! Every time I need a pen, I can't find one either!
MK: Bear ...
BC: WHAT!?!? How should I ... oh. Uh oh.
MK: Where are they?
BC: I have no idea what you're talking about.
MK: If you knew where the pens are, where would they be?
BC: You mean, "If Gary and Larry stole our pens, where would they be?"
MK: {sigh} Exactly. If the ALIENS stole our pens.
BC: My tasty whole chicken's on under the couch.
MK: Your what?
BC: You humans usually say, "My money's on ..." I don't care about money. But I DO care about tasty whole chickens.
MK: I'm sorry I ...
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! There are close to twenty pens under the couch! Where did you get all these pens?
BC: I think you mean, "Where did Gary and Larry get all these pens?"
MK: {mumbling to herself as she digs out the pen stash from under the couch} I swear ...
BC: Oooh! Ooh! That's my FAVORITE PEN! I was so mad when I lost him under ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!

BC: Anyway. Back to the map at paw. We'll start with a cat's directions to healing. I included it to remind you that being a cat is so much more fun.
MK: Great. Why do I have the feeling that I don't want to know?
BC: OF COURSE you want to know! Everyone wants to be the fabulousness that is a cat!
MK: {sigh} Go on.
BC: {AHEM!} The cat's path to healing ... by Bear Cat Kat. This should be in gray.
MK: Oooookay.
BC: First step ... break something.
MK: Why am I NOT surprised?
BC: Second step ... claw furniture.


MK: Just furniture? What about the other things you destroy ... like the carpet or the blinds?


BC: I'm sorry ... who's dictating this to whom? Who's the expert cat around here?
MK: Sorry.
BC: OBVIOUSLY. Next step ... bite someone.




MK: You're DEFINITELY good at that one.
BC: Thank you. It helps to bite that someone as many times as possible.
{Pause}
BC: {looking at Momma's work} NO! NO! Not like THAT!
MK: What? Not like what?
BC: There should be ARROWS between the steps! Not a numbered list!
MK: This is good enough.
BC: NO! NO! It's NOT. We do this MY WAY! There must be ARROWS between the steps on the Cat Path!
MK: Would you like to draw this out yourself?
BC: Who's the expert around here?
MK: {sigh} Fine.
BC: Start over.
MK: {mumbling to herself as she gets another piece of paper and redraws everything with ARROWS between the steps} Okay. What comes after, "Bite someone?"
BC: Get a tasty whole chicken.
MK: How convenient.
BC: By the way, I need a tasty whole chicken to fulfill this step so I can move on to happiness.
MK: You don't NEED this step ... you just made the step up!
BC: But the map SPECIFICALLY shows that a tasty whole chicken is REQUIRED to continue on the path!
MK: You're the one who MADE THAT {seeing Bear's face} ... okay, okay ... what's next?

BC: Eat lots of tuna. 
MK: {sigh} Of course.
BC: Then roll in the mud on the front porch.
{Pause}
BC: Then cuddle with one's Momma.
MK: How thoughtful of you to want to cuddle only after rolling in the mud.
BC: My middle name is thoughtful ... Bear Thoughtful Cat Kat.
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm .... that sounded better in my head.
MK: Just like rolling in the mud BEFORE crawling into my lap.
BC: No, that's just the way it's done.
MK: {sigh} Is that it?
BC: No. We have to draw the non-cat, BORING path.
MK: What's this "WE?"
BC: My brains and your thumbs.

To be continued tomorrow, the non-cat, BORING path to healing ....
Momma Kat/Bear Cat snuggles ...

Momma's favorite animal-related comics on the topic of life challenges:

*** Garfield by Jim Davis; July 21, 2001.

*** Mother Goose & Grimm by Mike Peters; March 23, 2002.



How to get to ... {Part 2, the non-cat, BORING path to healing}:
BC: All right, Momma. Time to get to work. Dice dice.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Mince mince?
MK: Chop chop?
BC: WHERE?
MK: What?
BC: Is it a tasty whole chicken chop? A lamb chop? Or one of each? HUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH?
MK: BEAR! OUT of my face!
BC: Where's my chop chop?
MK: Bear, being only HALF in my face is still being IN MY FACE!
{Pause}
BC: Come on, Momma. Time is tasty whole chickens!

MK: Money!
BC: Stop changing the subject!
MK: No, you're muffing up the terms!
BC: I'm not STUPID! I know my wit!

MK: You mean you know your (BLEEP)!
BC: That's what I said!
MK: You know what? Never mind.
BC: Let's get to work.
MK: US? I'm the one doing the work! You just keep telling me I'm doing it wrong!
BC: Phht. A map is meant to be PRECISE, Momma. You wouldn't want a map with an error in it, now would you? You'd still be lost!
MK: {sigh} I have to give you that one.
BC: A chop?
MK: A chop WHAT?
BC: You said you have to give me one! And earlier you mentioned chops! I want a chop!
MK: I need ibuprofen.
BC: You have a headache AGAIN? You act like you have STRESS or something!
MK: No. I don't have STRESS ... I have a CAT.
BC: Is it state the obvious day? Besides, you don't HAVE me. I CHOOSE to be here.
MK: NEVER MIND!
BC: Sheesh, are you TOUCHY today! Let's get you on the road to happy!
MK: {sigh} Okay.
BC: You can't be passive in life, Momma. You have to take the bull by the balls!
MK: {laughing} Horns?
{Silence}
MK: Never mind. Tough crowd tonight.
BC: {sigh} At least I only have ONE human ... I can't imagine those poor cats with MORE THAN ONE!
MK: Haha.
BC: Laugh.
MK: What?
BC: You laughed. It made you smile. Add laugh to the map.
MK: Oh. Good point.
BC: You like creating stuff, right?
MK: Well, I mean blogging kind of IS creating stuff ...
BC: Of course, I make it EASY since I'm so awesome. I mean, you mostly just have to stick with the truth. So what else makes you happy?
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM!!!!}

MK: What? Why are you staring at me?
{Pause}
MK: Oh. You.
BC: "Oh. You." NICE, Momma! Really nice!
MK: Come here, cuddle bug.
BC: NO! NO! Don't touch me!
MK: I'm sorry, Bear. I didn't mean it like that.
BC: Hmph. BITE ME!
MK: Please? I have some ear rubs at my disposal.
BC: FINE! But ONLY because YOU need ME!
BC: PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: Yep. Definitely add Bear cuddles to the map.
BC: PURRRRRRR. I AM pretty fantastic. I should charge for my services! Bear Cat Kat, psy-cat-atrist. Or no! I could be bottled up and sold! I'd be rich!
MK: {AHEM}. Being bottled up means being trapped in a space smaller than your carrier.
BC: It sounded better in my head.
MK: You might be the expert at destruction, but you fix everything.
BC: OBVIOUSLY. There's A LOT to fix when it comes to you! My work is never done!
BC: But I also know our friends have helped you too. All those people who e-mailed or messaged or posted stuff on your Facebook page or commented or told you the things you already know but needed reinforcing or offered to deal with HIM, the Boy who shall remain nameless ...
MK: You're right, Bear. I'm VERY, VERY lucky to be supported by so many wonderful people.
BC: Of course, they only stick around for me. I mean I AM this blog. I'm sure all those people realize that if you're not okay, I might go a day without food ... or {GASP} not have my litter box scooped for a day. HORRORS! I wouldn't survive! Thus, by helping you, they ensure that I live in the relative comfort to which I'm accustomed.
MK: Our friends, Critters in the Cottage, came up with the idea of making a list of things I love to do and then checking something off the list each day. I'm going to add that to the map!
{Pause}
MK: Hmmm ... all this talking about what makes me happy made me realize how blessed I am. I am VERY lucky to still be able to laugh, and have you, and have all the friends that mean so much to us.
{Pause}
MK: And THAT makes it easier to forgive and accept where I've found myself. This isn't the path I'd have chosen - or the path I would've liked - but I'm happy with all the things and people I do have. I don't need a guy to validate my worth when I see my life demonstrating it daily.
BC: {sigh} It's ABOUT TIME you figured this all out! Well, it looks like my job is done here. It's time for a ...
{Pause}
BC: MROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
MK: HEY! MY MAP!
BC: Oops. I get these IMPULSES. I see paper and I think CLAWS! I think SHRED!
MK: All that work just for you to shred my map?!?!?
BC: You're welcome. Sheesh. Your map reading skills could use some help too. By decimating the map, you won't feel inferior when you get lost again.
MK: Ummm ... thanks ... I think?!?!?!
BC: Map time is over ... nap time is now!

2 comments:

  1. I think you and your Momma talk to each other more than my hubby and I do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To be fair ... my Momma does most of the talking!!! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! I could use non talking thumbs and a non talking lap! ~Bear Cat

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