Friday, July 31, 2015

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 8

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things: Momma's sadness, Bear's qualifications for President, fishy, Bible stories, Meow McQuacky-Pants, and Bear's food time. If you missed those extended "conversations" that are deserving of their own blog posts, you can find them: {HERE}{HERE}, {HERE}, and {HERE}

See the previous collections of shorter "conversations" {HERE}{HERE}{HERE}{HERE}{HERE}, {HERE}, and {HERE}.

Here's a sample of the shorter dialogues from the past few weeks (some already posted to Momma Kat's Facebook page):

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


On smells from the litter box:
MK: Holy crap - what is that smell?
BC: La-dee-da-dee-da.
MK: Can't you cover that?
BC: Can't you clean my litter box?
MK: I haven't gotten to it yet.
BC: Neither have I.
MK: Touche.
BC: You mean "too smelly."


On Momma's "iniquity:"
BC: What are you doing?
MK: Eating.
BC: Then why did you look down your shirt and then lift it up? I wasn't expecting those activities to start until later!
MK: Part of my orange got away.
BC: Ooooookay.
MK: And it flipped inside the neck of my shirt.
BC: I don't want to know! That's YOUR business. I just wanted to be sure the iniquity hadn't started yet. Remember, I need 15 minutes notice beforehand so I can use the litter box, grab a snack, and hide under the bed before the festivities begin.
MK: Wait a second! What do you think goes on around here? Iniquity? Festivities? I have no life!
BC: You said it, not me.
MK: {mumbling to herself} Iniquity? Really? What the heck? I do absolutely nothing that is even questionable much less vulgar!
BC: You're talking to yourself, shall I leave you two alone?
MK: I am not the crazy one here! Bear? Bear! Where did you go?
BC: Says the one who talks to herself and sees Bears where there are none.
MK: I KNOW YOU EXIST!


On picking sides:
MK: Bear! Come cuddle with Momma!
BC: No thanks. I'm on a spidey watch. I must keep myself alert and focused!
MK: Bear, you've been stalking that spider all night!
BC: I know! And then he disappeared when I took a break to grab a bite to eat. Wait . . .
MK: Yes. I chased him under something.
BC: Traitor! How am I ever going to teach these spiders who's boss if you keep protecting them from me? Can you at least give me a hint of what you chased him under?
MK: No.
BC: I don't like you right now.
MK: That's OK. The spider does.
BC: Great for you! Because he's the only chance of cuddling you're going to get tonight!


On "The Bear Show:"
BC: MomMA!
MK: What's wrong?
BC: My paw got wet!
MK: Seriously?
BC: YES! There's a wet spot in the carpet and now my paw is wet.
MK: How'd the wet spot get there?
BC: Did you pee there? Is this some kind of behavioral problem where you want my attention?
MK: Noooo. As I remember, some cat gobbled down his treat and then yakked it back up - which then Momma had to clean up.
BC: Whatever. MY PAW IS WET! And all you can talk about is what happened 15 minutes ago!
MK: Bear! You stick your paw in your water bowl, walk through puddles outside and generally find lots of ways to get your paws wet on purpose . . . this is NOT a catastrophe!
BC: But I didn't WANT it to be wet. I'm melting! Mmmmm . . . eeee . . . lllll . . . tttttttt . . . iiiiiii . . . nnnnnnn . . . gggg . . .
MK: I think you'll survive.
BC: Why do you keep pointing the remote at me and pressing buttons?
MK: I don't feel like tuning in to this episode of, "The Bear Show."
BC: Humph! You think you're so funny. I see your show stuck on reruns of the hairball channel!


On miracles:
Update to past blog post {if you missed it, found {HERE}}
BC: MoooooooomMMMMMMA!
MK: What's wrong, Bear?
BC: This walking on water thing is overrated!
MK: Do you need a towel?
BC: I'm insulted! How rude of you to underestimate my abilities!
MK: One towel coming up!
BC: A fluffy one, please. With no added fragrance: if I end up smelling like roses or lilacs or whatever the shazam, I'm not going to be happy. And no pink! Thank you.
BC: And if you bring your camera in here it's going to "walk" on water next!
MK: I know this is somewhat confusing, but while most of the Bible is instructive, either explicitly, or by example, we are not meant to copy EVERYTHING that is described in the Bible.
BC: NOW you tell me! With all these miracles, I was starting to wonder if I had it in me to be a godly kitty after all. I guess I should be thankful you told me before I tried to cast demons into a herd of swine. That could have been nasty.
MK: Amen.


On being civilized:
{Momma walks around folding the laundry and putting it away; meanwhile, Bear runs behind her as she moves around - following her repeatedly on her rounds toward the kitchen, his food bowl, the front door and the bedroom as if he is expecting something}
BC: Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.
BC: Meoooow! Meoooow! Meoooow! Meoooow! Meoooow!
BC: Mmmmmeeeow! Mmmmmeeeow! Mmmmmeeeow! Mmmmmeeeow!
BC: MEEEEEEEEOOOOW! MEEEEEEEEOOOOW! MEEEEEEEEOOOOW! MEEEEEEEEOOOOW!
MK: You aren't dying! We don't need all this drama, Bear.
BC: I'll show you drama! {Bear bites Momma's foot}
MK: We're civilized here. If there is something you want, you can ask for it, but that doesn't guarantee you'll get it.
BC: Civilized? Is that like tamed? Bear is not tamed.
MK: If you want to play you can bring me a mousie or your string. I can't read your mind.
BC: Do I look like a dog? And if you were "civilized" you could read my mind. It's not all that complicated: food, food, food, loves, sleep, food, loves, play, loves, food, sleep, outside, loves, food, play, sleep, loves. Oh! I forgot bites. Some times I need to remind you that I'm alive and remind you of your place in the hierarchy of my home.
MK: Don't I always give you attention when you want it?
BC: No. You've been in front of the stupid computer for hours!
MK: And how many times did I try to pet you only to be bitten?
BC: Whatever.
MK: That doesn't exactly motivate me to reach out and pet you.
BC: Your logic makes no sense to me. Clearly you are having a failure of your intellectual capacity. "Civilized!" Ha!


On baby talk:
MK: Look! It's the kitty cat! How's Momma's cute wittle kitty cat? Did you miss your Momma? I bet you did, didn't you! You are just soooo cute, come here so I can pet you. I missed my kitty cat!
BC: I hate when you come home from visiting the kiddos - you baby talk me for weeks afterward!
MK: Oh no! Are you a wittle bit upset? Can Momma make it all better? How about a kiss?
BC: Do you want to die?
MK: You're just being a grumpy wumpy puss. Let Momma love you!
BC: Die painfully?
MK: But I just love you so so much! Ugga-mugga?
BC: Only if you want to lose your nose.


On proper water bowl etiquette:
BC: Did you just step in my water bowl?
MK: Yes.
BC: Why?
MK: I didn't do it on purpose. I'm still not used to having your food and water bowls in the second bedroom and I was too lazy to turn the light on.
BC: But that's MY water bowl. Only my micey, my string, and I can take a bath in there. If you want to take a bath - you have to find somewhere else.
MK: I didn't do it on purpose! Are you laughing?
BC: No . . . yes.
MK: I'm glad I entertain you.
BC: The best part? You don't even mean to!


On ferociousness:
BC: Momma! Momma! Look! I'z a ferocious tiger!
MK: "I'z?"
BC: That's part of my ferociousness! Don't I look scary?
MK: I'm scared.
BC: I'z KILL you. MROWWW!
MK: Should I run away?
BC: You don't make this very fun. You don't seem all that scared.
MK: I'm trembling on the inside.
BC: Is that more or less scared than trembling on the outside?
MK: More scared. I'm so scared I can't even manage to tremble on the outside.
BC: Oooh! That's SCARED! I feel myself drowning in power. I'm so scary, I scare myself!
MK: Can I help?
BC: Can I have some snuggles?
MK: Absolutely.
BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, ferocious tiger.
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.


On "losing" Pinky:
{Momma turns on the garbage disposal and a horrible grinding sound pierces the otherwise quiet night}
MK: What the hell?
{Momma turns it off and sticks her hand down there to find the offending item}
MK: What the holy hell is a mousie doing down there? BEAR!
{Bear saunters into the kitchen and sees Momma holding the mangled mousie}
BC: Uhph! WHAT DID YOU DO TO PINKY? OH PINKY! Pinky! Come back to me! I can't live without you! {Turning to Momma} It's not enough to torture me with your singing and dancing . . . now you have to torture my micey too? You should be ashamed! How do you sleep at night! I'll never forgive you. I hate you!
MK: How was I supposed to know a mousie was down there?
BC: Why didn't you check first?
MK: Because it didn't even cross my mind that a mousie could be down the kitchen sink! And how did it get there?
BC: Do you really want to know?
MK: No.
BC: Fine. Next time, check. You never know. Your credit card or your phone or your toothbrush might end up down there next.
MK: My credit card buys your food.
BC: You wouldn't let me starve.
MK: Keep dropping your toys down the kitchen sink and we'll see about that.
BC: Give me Pinky! I must make sure she receives a proper burial!
MK: If I find her in the toilet, you're grounded.
BC: Note to self: learn how to flush the toilet.
MK: Note to self: Bear will never get an allowance.


On Momma's grumpiness:
BC: Why are sleeping all the time?
MK: I'm tired.
BC: Why are you so tired? Even I don't sleep that much!
MK: After 3 days of chasing around two very cute munchkins, Momma is exhausted. I'm a lightweight and have to give a lot of credit to parents that can do it all the time {especially the one parent households}.
BC: You never get that tired with me. I feel screwed.
MK: Maybe because you sleep 18 hours per day? That gives me more resting time than most parents get.
BC: I think you should play with me more.
MK: When I play with you, for the first 15 minutes, I'm essentially playing with myself.
BC: But I'm watching. I'm trying to help you lose weight.
MK: I don't need to lose weight.
BC: Says you.
MK: Can I go back to sleep?
BC: But I want stuff.
MK: Like?
BC: A whole chicken. A cattle prod. A toaster . . .
MK: All things you won't get regardless of whether I'm sleeping or not.
BC: You're clearly grumpy from lack of sleep.
MK: Then let me sleep!
BC: Grumpy. Where's the fun in that?
MK: Life is not 100% fun.
BC: Grumpy.
MK: Would you like to cuddle?
BC: Will you pet me?
MK: Until I fall asleep.
BC: Grumpy.
MK: You can't constantly call me grumpy just because you aren't getting what you want!
BC: Ogre.
MK: Fine. Can I go to sleep now?
BC: As long as you know that I'm being neglected.
MK: Clearly.
BC: Carry on.


On keeping up with Bear's moods:
BC: Ooooooooohhhhhh. Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I love you, Momma! You're like the best ear-rubber ever! And the back scratches . . . ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . nice. You are the best Momma EVER! Oooh, yes, the belly rub . . .
MK: I love you too, Be . . .
BC: CHOMP. Don't touch me! Ah! She's trying to kill me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: Lover kitty to biter kitty in 2 seconds.
BC: I believe it was 1.35 seconds. I've been practicing while you sleep.
MK: Good to know.
BC: Pet me. My ears are lonely.


On mousie bathing etiquette:
MK: BEAR! For crying out loud! Why do your micey always end up floating in your water bowl?
BC: Bluey is on soak.
MK: If you told me your micey were dirty, I'd wash them for you. But last time I washed them, you wouldn't touch them for two weeks.
BC: That's because you don't wash them right!
MK: What's the difference?
BC: You did not properly groom them after you washed them!
MK: I'm not going to lick each mousie dry! In fact, I'm not going to lick even one mousie dry!
BC: Then stop complaining when I give my micey baths!
MK: My patience escapes me.
BC: Welcome to every day of me living with you!


On missing Momma:
BC: MOMMA! You're home! Oh! I'm so glad you're home! I love you, I LOVE YOU, ILOVEYOU! Pet me now. NOW. NOW!
MK: I love you too, Bear! And I missed you. But I was only gone 2 1/2 days.
BC: No, it was like 30 days!
MK: It was 2 1/2 days.
BC: 15 days.
MK: This isn't a negotiation.
BC: Bear doesn't negotiate. It was 10 days.
MK: Fine. My mistake.
BC: As usual. Now stop talking and PET ME!
MK: I can talk and pet you at the same time.
BC: It's not the same. All I hear is, "wa wa wa wa wa wa," and it distracts from my focus into the petting.
MK: So you didn't miss me, you just missed the loves.
BC: Not entirely.
MK: Aww . . . you do love me!
BC: No. I also missed my wet food treat.
MK: Of course.


On singing spiders:
MK: The spider fell in the trash.
BC: Ahhhhhh! You promised that if you just HAD to sing, that you'd do it in the car - outside of my hearing.
MK: What?
BC: The spider fell in the trash.
MK: The spider FELL IN the TRASH!
BC: See?!?!?
MK: No, it's not a song - a spider FELL IN the TRASH!
BC: So you've sang twenty times. What part of "no singing" do you not understand?
MK: NO! I was standing in front of the trash can and a spider fell off the wall into the trash.
BC: He probably heard you singing and kamikazied himself to spare the rest of us.
MK: I WASN'T SINGING! And last time I checked, spiders hate you because they never get away from you with all their legs intact.
BC: Don't assume you're in the know about Bear-Spider relations. We've been working together on mousie diplomacy.
MK: I don't want to know.
BC: Yes, ignorance is bliss for you humans.
MK: Never mind.
BC: So there's really a spider in the trash?
MK: Yes.
BC: Can you dump it all out so I can get Spidey?
MK: No.
BC: Party pooper.
MK: Says the cat who won't let me sing out loud in my own home.
BC: My home.
MK: My mistake.
BC: As always.


On Momma's dating prospects:
BC: Do you have a date?
MK: What?
BC: You know, that thing where you and a gentleman caller share an awkward social interaction with romantic possibilities? Or has it been so long that you've forgotten already?
MK: Bear!
BC: So who is he?
MK: No one!
BC: That's not a nice way to describe your potential future husband! No wonder you never get dates!
MK: I DON'T HAVE A DATE!
{Pause}
MK: You did that on purpose just to make me scream that I don't have a date, didn't you?
BC: The neighbors already know you have no life, so it's not like it's a surprise.


On Bear's tail pride:
BC: Momma? Are you awake? MomMA? MOMMA!
MK: What?
BC: Are you awake?
MK: What do you want?
BC: Isn't my tail pretty?
MK: Are you serious? You woke me up to ask me if your tail is pretty?
BC: No. I KNOW my tail is pretty, I just wanted to hear you say it.
MK: Your tail is pretty.
BC: I don't like the way you said that . . . there wasn't any feeling in it.
MK: Bear, your tail spends half of my waking hours, and come to think of it, half my sleeping hours too, in my face. It's pretty!
BC: Don't you like the black stripes? And how the other stripes are like six different colors all mixed up?
MK: I love your tail.
BC: THEN STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT BEING IN YOUR FACE!
BC: Do you want to touch my tail?
MK: No thanks. I like my fingers, hands and arms just the way they are.
BC: But you WANT to touch it, right?
MK: Oh for crying out loud!
BC: I'm waiting.
MK: Yes, I want to touch it.
BC: Just wanted to make sure. Plus boundaries. Now I know you know what they are.
MK: Can I go back to sleep now?
BC: Whatever. How about I lay next to you so that my tail is right in front of your eyes, so you can admire my tail while you fall asleep?
MK: Do I have a choice?
BC: Not if you were planning to go back to sleep.
MK: Lovely.
BC: I know! I LOVE my tail!

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