Wednesday, March 25, 2015

What Your Cats Are Really Saying - To Each Other.

No doubt Bear (as the new kid) and Kitty (as the veteran resident) had some interesting conversations in their "short" {though no doubt seemed LONG} six months together before Kitty passed away. Luckily, given their  interactions, I could be relatively assured that they weren't plotting against us. Soon, I'll post a "Tale of Two Kitties" that shows the remarkable differences between the two felines, which caused much stress and consternation for everyone (hints of these in the conversations below). No doubt, Kitty did not like sharing her home with anyone but her mom.
Above: Bear (left) and Kitty (right)

Below: Kitty (left) and Bear (right)

Here's just a sample of "overheard" conversations:
B: Bear (new kitten)
K: Kitty (15 year old expert)

B: Did you see that ginormous chicken breast I got off the counter?

K: You could have eaten it too if you hadn't carried it over to Momma, effectively telling on yourself. But I do give you credit, you have balls to steal food from the people. Or . . . wait, I guess you had that surgery last week - never mind.
B: WHAT?!?! What surgery? What about my balls? Oooh, momma just opened the refrigerator, I'm gettin' me some food!
K: {SIGH} Moron.


B: Ooh flashlight! I'm going to get you, you silly thing - you will not get away!

K: You do realize that if you just stay still, the light will come back to you, right? Watch this (Kitty stays still, the light comes close enough and she sticks her paw out, "catching" it). See? You don't even have to move, the light always comes back if you ignore it. You look ridiculous running in circles.
B: Ooh flashlight, flashlight, flashlight, I will get you this time!
K: Moron.


B: So what's the deal with the Big Dodo?

K: Mom adopted him a few years ago, though I have no idea why. He's clearly a bit slow and dog-like, even for a human.
B: He doesn't seem to realize that Momma's the boss.
K: As I said, he's a little slow. I've had to live with him and he's weird and completely incompetent. He even peed in mom's bed every day for a month after she got him. Why didn't she get rid of him?!?!
B: Wait, I thought I overheard Momma say that it was you that peed in her bed every day for a month?!?!
K: You'd think she'd be smart enough to blame the big dodo and not me. He was the new kid - not me.
B: So it wasn't you?
K: Why? What did you hear? Peeing in beds is undignified. Cats are too smart (except maybe you), dodo human males? Not so smart.
B: Ummmm . . . 
K: Moron. No one can prove anything.


B: {thinking: oh, she's in the litter box, she's IN THE LITTER BOX, I must watch}

K: Do you mind?
B: Are you almost done?
K: Why, do you have to use it?
B: No, I just really want to cover it up when you are done. Why does it take you so long to go?
K: Because I'm old.
B: So are you done now?
K: Moron.


K: Seriously, mom gave you your own litter box - why do you keep using mine?

B: Because yours doesn't smell like me!
K: Mom even gave you the bigger litter box so all your "boy spray" all stays in the box. Fine. Use mine. I'll take yours.
B: But noooooooo! I want the box that smells like you!
K: Moron.


K: Why are you wearing a lamp shade?

B: What?!?!
K: What's the big cone thing around your neck?
B: So that when I meow, the sound is amplified. Momma wanted me to have it because I'm sooooo important to her that she always wants to hear me. I just can't walk with this, I try to move and don't go anywhere!
K: That's because you keep walking into the wall. Why don't you use your voice amplifier to tell Mom you need help walking and that you're an idiot?


B: {thinking: she's on the move. She's ON THE MOVE. Onward and upward!}

K: Do you seriously have to follow me everywhere?
B: But it's just so cool the way you eat and drink and use the litter box and sleep . . . everything is just so cool! SOOOO COOOL!
K: Remember, I said you have to stay at least 3 feet away. 10 is preferable . . . or no, go outside, I'll let you back in later and Mom will never know.
B: But I want to be with you!
K: 3 FEET, MO-FO, 3 FEET! (roar like a lion and quick bat to Bear's nose)
B: Damn! Ladies with an awesome right hook are SEXY! Wait! Where are you going? I'm coming too.
K: Moron.


B: I am going to dominate you, I am going to dominate you, I am going to dominate you! I am BIG, STRONG male! Be afraid, be VERY afraid. (meanwhile biting the scruff of Kitty's neck)

K: Fine, you win, you are the top cat, now just LEAVE ME ALONE! (Mom enters the room) GET THIS IDIOT OFF ME! Do you see what I have to put up with?


K: If you were smart about it, you'd stay off the counters and do what I do.

B: But, but, there's FOOD on the counter!
K: You rub up against Mom right as she starts to cook and then you leisurely lay on the floor near by. She has to be able to see you; and you have to be far enough away that she doesn't trip over you. She will appreciate you not being annoying (though I realize not being annoying is somewhat hard for you), and will gift you with food. You don't need to get on the counter to show you are there. You also avoid getting hurt - like when you ran across the hot stove.
B: But there was BEEF!
K: Yes, but you never got any. And you had to wear the lamp shade for a week. I just lay here looking cute and the cheese comes to me! No effort!
B: It wasn't a lamp shade! It was a voice amplifier! And I don't like cheese.
K: All the better for me.
B: Are you sure she knows we are here? I think I should remind her just in case.
K: {SIGH} Moron.


K: Why do you always have to eat my food and drink my water? Can't you just stay out of my stuff?!?!

B: Your food is yummy and your water bowl is bigger than mine.
K: Dude! My food is "diet" and specially formulated for my pee, you get high calorie deluxe kitten food! You clearly have no taste.
B: No need to get "catty." Get it? "CATTY" Hahahaha.
K: GO AWAY!!
B: Okay. But can I watch you while you sleep?
K: I'm starting to think stupidity is a male trait - between you and the Big Dodo, you've got it covered. Moron. 


B: Do we ever get to go outside?

K: Why would you want to do that?
B: I don't know, to roll around and mark stuff - or maybe pee on something.
K: But you have food and shelter without having to do anything! If I can get you outside, will you go?
B: You'll let me back in, right?
K: Sure. Absolutely. {thinking: stupidity IS a male trait}


B: No one can find me, no one can find me, no one can find me. I am so smart!

K: So smart you hid in the fireplace - and now you look like a black cat.
B: I think black cats are sexy. I'm not a black cat normally?
K: Only when you're stupid enough to hang out in the fireplace. 
B: Do you think I'll be a black cat when I grow up?
K: Sure. When I was your age, I was an all white cat.
B: WOW! That is SOOOO cool! So what do I do to make sure it happens? Is there something special I have to do?
K: {thinking: Moron.} Well, you could stay in the fireplace forever or you could sit in that corner over there and wait for "the change."
B: But you never go over there! Does it have to be that corner? Or will you come and wait with me?
K: No son, this is something you have to do by yourself. Besides, I need a nap, in another room.


B: Shake it shake it. Walk like you OWN this bitch!

K: Why do you prance around like a street-walker?
B: Because I'm so pretty! Everyone that comes into contact with me is L-U-C-K-Y! I gotz the pride! I gotz the POWER!
K: Annoying.
B: You're just jealous because you waddle.
K: Say what? I just don't go around strutting my stuff. My butt doesn't need to go back and forth to know I got it! I know I'm fabulous and I don't have to make an effort to show it!
B: You still waddle.
K: Don't you have something better to do? Like stick your paw in the toaster or chew on some cords or something?
B: Why would I do that?
K: You get a surprise!
B: Oooh, ooh, I LOVE surprises.
K: Perfect. Moron.


{Kitty is sleeping in her favorite spot while Bear watches}
B: Do you think my tail is sexy?
K: {Opening one eye} You do realize I'm sleeping, right?
B: Do you think my tail is sexy?
K: What?
B: Isn't my tail sexy?
K: Sure, kid.
B: So you DO think my tail is sexy.
K: Whatever you say.
B: My tail is sexy!
K: Did you get whacked upside the head one too many times by your real mom? Maybe your litter mates?
B: S - E - X - Y!
K: How the heck can Mom go from no-nonsense cat to this vapid moron?
B: But I'm sexy.
K: If you don't stop sticking your tail in my face, you'll be sorry.
B: Don't you wish your tail was this sexy?
K: GO AWAY!
K: {mumbling to herself} The quality of our environment has steadily decreased . . . first the Big Dodo and now THIS! I have to question Mom's ability to judge one's character.
B: My tail IS SSSS-E-XXXXXX-Y!
K: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM! The moron is sticking his tail in my face again!
B: You can't handle my SSSS-E-XXXXXX-Y!
K: Imma about to if Mom doesn't show up soon!
B: SSSS-E-XXXXXX-Y. {Bear does his little "sexy" prance} I'm too sexy for my tail, too sexy for my tail. Listen to the other cats WAAILLL!
K: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!


B: Will you be my friend?
K: Isn't it bad enough that I have to live with you?
B: But we could play together and snuggle and be best friends!
K: Not likely.
B: But I'm so cute and cuddly - Momma always says so.
K: Great for her.
B: But WHHHHYYYY?
K: Because you are annoying enough in the little time we spend together. Go climb something.
B: Will you come too?
K: Now I get why Mom adopted you, she felt sorry for the survival prospects of the village idiot.
B: But I don't know the village idiot!
K: Exactly.


And finally . . . a Kitty-era conversation between Momma and Bear:
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

{Momma walks in the front door, and looks around}
MK: Ummm . . . Bear, are you OK?
BC: Yeah. Why?
MK: Because you were sitting just like that in the litter box when I left two hours ago.
BC: You remember I followed Kitty in here, right?
MK: Right. After following her everywhere all morning and watching her sleep, eat and use the litter box.
BC: After I came in, she told me I could go first - which was really nice. She told me that while I went she was going to grab a bite of food. She promised to come back and get me so we could take a nap together - but I had to promise her I'd keep the litter box warm in the mean time.
MK: Bear, you can see her food bowl from here.
BC: I KNOW! That's what's so troubling! Something must have happened to her - maybe she got lost or something ate her. We should go find her! I mean, she wouldn't just LEAVE me here, would she? She couldn't FORGET me, right?
MK: {Momma finds Kitty sleeping soundly in one of her favorite hiding spots in another room.} I think we'll just leave her alone. How about we play string?
BC: And flashlight?
MK: Sure.
BC: But what if Kitty gets mad at me for not staying in the litter box until she gets back?
MK: How about some treats?
BC: Oh, oh, treats!
MK: You have to come out of the litter box first.
BC: Oh, right.
BC: TREATS! TREATS! JUST FOR ME! NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOMS!
BC: Can we play now? Oh string! I love you string! STRING!

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