Thursday, August 25, 2016

The enforcer

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


Daily conversation - The enforcer:

MK: I love cuddling with you, Bear.
BC: That comes to ... {mumbling} five plus seven equals twelve ... carry the one ... add to four plus four ...You owe me $837,092.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: That'll be approximately ... {mumbling} 837,092 divided by ... PER CHICKEN ... 678,301 tasty whole chickens.
MK: Yes, I get the exorbitant quantity ... but WHY?
BC: There's no such thing as a free cuddle, Momma!
MK: When did you decide this?
BC: When I realized that I was being screwed! You wouldn't work for free either!
MK: I write and manage our blog - and it's work - yet I don't get paid.
BC: You receive compensation in the form of my company. Hmph. I get the raw end of THAT deal too! Pay to play, Momma. PAY. TO. PLAY.
MK: I feed you, and buy you toys, I maintain your litter box, I bought your cat tree ...
MK: Stop STARING at me like that!
BC: FINE! Sitting in loaf position is more comfortable anyway!
MK: {sigh} I meant STOP STARING AT ME! Not a problem with the way you were sitting.
BC: When you pay your tab!
MK: My tab for WHAT?!?!
BC: The last fifteen minutes of your ecstasy in snuggling with the cutest and most handsome mancat in the universe.
MK: Was he here?
MK: STOP THAT!
BC: FINE!

MK: BEAR! STOP STARING AT ME! I don't care whether you're sitting in a loaf position on the floor or sitting up on the floor or sitting on the kitchen table! STOP STARING AT ME!
BC: I'm the enforcer.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I'm enforcing your bill.
MK: What are the charges?
BC: What do you mean?
MK: What's a break down of the charges so I can figure out what I can afford and what I can't?
BC: You mean you don't have $837,092?
MK: Bear, if I had $837,092, WHY would we live like we do?
BC: I thought you were cheap.
MK: {sigh} Okay. So how do you get $837,092?
BC: Now it's $838,402.
MK: WHAT?
BC: Delayed payment charge.
MK: You're just making this up! $1,310 delayed payment charge?
BC: I'm a business-cat! It represents less than one percent interest! I think that's a good deal!
MK: Are you distracting from breaking down the charges because you just made the number up?
BC: I ... umm ... NO!
MK: Okay ...
BC: Well, we cuddled for 14.873 minutes - which rounds up to fifteen.
MK: You came to me!
BC: I advertised the merchandise.
MK: You jumped in my lap and started rubbing your face on my hand!
BC: Enticing advertisement, don't you think? I'm a working cat, you know!
MK: This is ridiculous!
BC: Each minute's base charge is $1,525. So the base charge for the cuddle was $22,875. 
MK: {choking on her drink ... with a bit going up her nose} WHAT?!?!
BC: No wonder you can't keep a boyfriend! NOT attractive!
MK: $22,875?
BC: I counted 836 ear rubs during that time ... at $225 per rub ... equals $188,100.
MK: You benefited from the ear rubs!
BC: It's just business, Momma. Supply and demand. I'm the only cuddle bug here.
MK: I'm the only one to pet you here!
{Silence}
BC: Which reminds me ... since you wrapped your arms all the way around me, that would be considered a hug ... so there's a $300,000 charge for that. Oh. Add to that the $25,000 pre-authorization charge.
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: Before I provide services, I calculate an amount you're able to pay ... based on credit and other factors. Then I work backwards to determine a pre-authorized petting time based on your ability to pay. You had fifteen minutes pre-authorized. The pre-authorization charge represents the cost of those calculations and the risk I take in extending you credit.
MK: Your system is severely flawed if you calculated that I could pay $837,092.
BC: Actually, now it's $839,521. Delayed payment.
MK: A couple minutes costs over $2,000?
BC: Time is money, Momma. I'm a working boy.
MK: {sigh} So ... that adds up to ... 25,000 + 22,875 + 188,100 + 300,000 = 535,975. How'd you get $837,092?
BC: Now, it's $840,111.
MK: BEAR! Knock that off! What's the other $301,117 for?
BC: Four belly rubs at $100,000 each.
MK: WHAT? You rolled on your back and wrapped your paws around my wrist and pulled my hand to your belly!
BC: Effective advertising, right? By the way, in case you didn't notice ... there was a special on belly rubs ... buy three, get one free.
MK: {sigh} So what's the last $1,117 for?
BC: Excise tax.
MK: WHAT?!?! 
BC: I'm extra adorable.
MK: Sheesh. I can't afford to snuggle with you anymore.
BC: WHAT?!?!
MK: At these prices, I can't afford you, Bear.
BC: But ... but ... maybe we could work out a payment plan?
MK: Bear, I'll NEVER have $800,000.
BC: Well, technically, it's now $843,561. Plus the finance charge.
MK: Sorry.
BC: But ... but ... I LIKE ear rubs!
MK: Maybe you should reconsider the cost then.
BC: Like what?
MK: Unlimited snuggle privileges in exchange for food, shelter, unlimited love, attention, treats, toys, your cat tree ... lifetime adoration.
BC: But ... but ... that's how it is NOW! My services are valuable!
MK: How about we both just admit we enjoy snuggling with each other and leave it at that?
BC: No tasty whole chickens?
MK: No.
BC: RATS!
MK: I love you, Bug.
BC: If you REALLY loved me, you'd pay me what I'm worth ... $837,092. 
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} I love you too, Momma. Can I have some more ear rubs?
MK: Absolutely.
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I GUESS this is better than NOTHING ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Worth $837,092? Yeah. Don't tell Bear.

Featured posts of the Day:
This isn't the first time Momma's been presented with a ridiculous "bill" by Bear ...

16 comments:

  1. That's quite the bill. But you know you are worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe if my Momma didn't buy so many doughnuts? ~Bear Cat

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  2. Whoo, Bear, you are one tough customer! We know Momma could not resist that stare...and she would be happy to pay if she could afford it, but you are expensive! Uh-oh, my crew is discussing hiring you as their negotiator now! :)
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

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  3. Maybe your human can give you some chicken treats for compensation, although we do agree, you deserve lots of whole chickens. :)

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  4. Let's face it, it is always best being in charge!

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  5. That Math looks about right to us. Joanie charges Mom a fee to use our steps, she usually makes her pay twice every time she uses them. She pays with turkey lunch meat or pieces of chicken.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fantastic idea, Joanie! We don't have steps ... but I'm thinking ... ~Bear Cat

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  6. Too funny! And that face is so much like Athena's :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  7. A bear cuddle is truly priceless, actually. But I won't tell him that. :-)

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