Sunday, August 23, 2015

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 9

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things: in this cycle, the main post was about p
lots, plumage and preening. If you missed this extended "conversation," deserving of its own blog post, you can find it: {HERE}

See the previous collections of shorter "conversations" {HERE}{HERE}{HERE}{HERE}{HERE}{HERE}{HERE}, and {HERE}.

p.s. - If you missed Momma's other posts since the last collection of conversations, you can find the post in memory of Kitty {HERE}, a discussion of the myth of the cat lady {HERE}, and a post all about Bear {HERE}.

Here's a sample of the shorter dialogues from the past few weeks (some already posted to Mom
ma Kat's Facebook page):

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

On "whatever:"

Just another day in the Momma Kat household . . .
MK: YIKES! @#$%! &*!@ the %@#&!
BC: Whatever.
MK: You took a chunk out of my thigh! That REALLY hurt! Look! It's already bruising!
BC: Whatever.
MK: What did I do? I was just laying here, in MY bed, and all of a sudden you attacked me!
BC: Whatever.
MK: This has to make sense somehow! WHY? WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?!?!
BC: Whatever.
MK: %&*@ the &^@$!
BC: And you wonder where I learned all the @#$%! curse words.
MK: You're grounded!
BC: Whatever.
MK: ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
BC: If you can't be quiet, please leave. I'm trying to sleep.
MK: And so was I! Besides, it's MY bed!
BC: Whatever. A little self-control would do you wonders!
MK: But you're the one that bit me - completely unprovoked!
BC: Wa-wa-wa. Bear requires plenty of beauty rest. Good night.


On Bear's thoughtfulness:
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: It's regurgitated cat food, you most certainly did!
BC: If you fed me what you ate, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
MK: That's not the problem, and you know it.
BC: Whatever.
MK: The least you could do is tell me when you do it so I can clean it up.
BC: I thought that's why I did it right where you walk. It's all in your face and, "I'M RIGHT HERE!"
MK: How thoughtful. Though you have a point.
BC: Duh. Like it's my fault you don't watch where you're going.
MK: Couldn't you just stand by it and meow until I clean it up?
BC: Not my problem. I know where it is, so there's no danger that I'll step in it. That would be your problem.


On Momma's relationship with Bear's butt: 
MK: Hi, Bear's butt! Bear's right, you are kind of cute. And I should know since I spend a lot of time talking to you. What? I treasure our time together too! Oh, sure! You're welcome for all the yummy food I feed the rest of Bear and for playing with the rest of Bear and for keeping your litter box tidy. Yes, you're right, the rest of Bear is a little snotty some times, but I love him anyway. Oh sure! Let's cuddle! I'd love that!
BC: Are you done yet? I get it. My butt is always in your face. You don't like that. Therefore, I always put my butt in your face. You think you're so funny.
MK: What else am I supposed to do - but make the best of a "stinky" situation? He-he-he.
BC: Stinky? STINKY?!?!? My butt is NOT stinky! I'm insulted!
MK: Now you know how I feel when you put your butt in my face constantly. By the way, have you SMELLED your butt recently?
BC: Well, but, but, but, oooooooooh . . . I hate you! I'm off to blow smoke out of my butt in my cat condo.
MK: Don't hurt yourself.
BC: I HATE YOU!
{ps - Bear's butt is not really stinky, Momma just appreciates the opportunity to win an argument every so often. And Bear doesn't REALLY hate Momma, at least I hope not; he just doesn't like to be bested by those he considers woefully inferior to himself.}


On filth and cleaning zen: 
MK: Do you think you could take that slurping, bed-shaking, loud bath somewhere else? I'm trying to sleep!
BC: Dear Monsieur: I do not critique your shower habits, you should be ashamed of yourself.
MK: Mademoiselle.
BC: Huh! You insult me! I am all male.
MK: No, I didn't mean YOU were a mademoiselle . . . oh, never mind. This never ends well for me.
BC: As it shouldn't! Now if you'd just be quiet, I can go back to bathing myself properly.
MK: @#$%&.
BC: Please! Your filth has no place in my cleaning zen. I suggest you leave if you can't manage yourself.
MK: This is my bed!
BC: I'm not going to dignify that with a response, you know better.
MK: You have GOT to be kidding me.
BC: I assure you, I am not. And I will put my fangs where my mouth is!


On cat logic (food bowl variation):
BC: Where's my food bowl?
MK: In the dishwasher.
BC: But I'm hungry!
MK: I dumped out the food on your mat.
BC: But I don't like it that way!
MK: When you have a bowl you just stick your paw in there and bat the kibble out onto the mat anyway . . . what's the difference?
BC: This is an outrage!
MK: Bat the kibble around on your mat. Then eat it. Close enough.
BC: BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME!


On being petted: 
BC: Don't pet me. I'm mad at you.
MK: Ooooooookkkkkay.
BC: I licked your face for 300 seconds and you didn't pet me.
MK: I was sleeping! And that's only five minutes - you know it takes a while for me to wake up.
BC: NO! It was 300 seconds - that is MUCH longer than five minutes.
MK: I'm sorry, Bear. Can I pet you?
BC: No.
MK: Please? I feel really badly for making you wait 300 seconds and it would make me feel better to pet you. Can you do me a favor?
BC: Do I look like a genie? Oh fine. I guess I can endure your selfishness and intrusion. Don't ever say I don't give you anything. I guess you're going to expect me to purr too. Oh the sacrifices we cats make for our humans!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Under protest . . . purrrrrrrrrrrrr . . . just so you know, I'm only purring because you expect me to . . . purrrrrrrrrrr . . . sigh. One of these days I'm going to teach myself to control my purr . . . it's so unfair . . . purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr . . . I don't enjoy this! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.


On Momma's napping spot:
MK: Bbbbbbeearrrr! That's my napping spot! I just got up to switch the laundry over.
BC: It doesn't have your name on it.
MK: How would you feel if you went to nap on your cat tree and I was curled up on one of the perches?
BC: I'd like to see you try to fit more than your butt or a limb on there. Besides, you're over the weight limit.
MK: I was speaking hypothetically.
BC: And I'm speaking theoretically.
MK: Move!
BC: Hypothetically, theoretically, or actually?
MK: Whichever one gets the job done.
BC: No. Now leave me alone. I'm exhausted.
MK: Oh, fine. I'll just go nap on the cold, hard, floor.
BC: Be careful about that spot in the hallway where I left you a present.
MK: BEAR!
BC: Yeah. You're gonna need a nap after cleaning THAT up.


On preauthorized petting time: 
BC: You're laying the wrong way on the bed.
MK: I know. But you're at the bottom of the bed and I'm petting you.
BC: There's a reason I chose to lay at the bottom of the bed.
MK: But before that you were nudging me and licking my face and trying to wake me up for attention!
BC: Your loss. You only had a fixed number of minutes of preauthorized petting time - you snooze, you lose. Think about THAT next time you ignore me.
MK: I was sleeping!
BC: And so was I . . . when you assaulted me with your attentions.
MK: I'm not going to win.
BC: I don't get your inclination to state the obvious. As if!


On cleaning and costumes: 
Note: Bear issued an SOS due to Momma's marathon cleaning session (to which this conversation pertains); you can read it on Bear's Page (Entry #7) {HERE}:
BC: Are you done cleaning?
MK: Why, do you want to help?
BC: Do I look like a maid?
MK: That could easily be arranged.
BC: What?
MK: I could buy you a little french maid costume.
BC: Not if you want to live to see your next cleaning marathon.
MK: But you'd be cute!
BC: Yes, well, all four of my fangs embedded in your flesh is also "cute." But I doubt you'd appreciate that.
MK: You do that all the time anyway! We should try new things . . . like a bear costume for the Bear!
BC: The only thing less likely than me cleaning is me wearing any type of clothes. THE END.


On cleaning and cat treat coupons: 
Note: Bear issued an SOS due to Momma's marathon cleaning session (to which this conversation pertains); you can read it on Bear's Page (Entry #7) {HERE}:
After a day off, the cleaning continues . . .
BC: Momma! You can't throw those away!
MK: The coupons are expired.
BC: But . . . but. . . they're for cat treats!
MK: I won't be able to use them.
BC: I knew you weren't buying me enough treats - to have that many coupons left over? You didn't even buy me our full allotment of cat treats! I'VE BEEN SCREWED!
MK: Bear, it doesn't work that way. You're thinking of rationing.
BC: But . . . I need cat treats!
MK: I can still buy you cat treats - you don't need coupons to buy a product, they're just to save money.
BC: So you can still buy me cat treats if you throw them away?
MK: Yes.
BC: Are you sure?
MK: Absolutely. Would you like to shred the paper?
BC: Blasphemy! I would be struck dead by the kitty gods if I shredded cat treat coupons!
MK: But they're expired.
BC: It's the principle of the thing.


On being the new kid:
Following Momma's blog post in memory of Kitty {HERE} . . . a Kitty-era conversation between Momma and Bear:
{Momma walks in the front door, and looks around}
MK: Ummm . . . Bear, are you OK?
BC: Yeah. Why?
MK: Because you were sitting just like that in the litter box when I left two hours ago.
BC: You remember I followed Kitty in here, right?
MK: Right. After following her everywhere all morning and watching her sleep, eat and use the litter box.
BC: After I came in, she told me I could go first - which was really nice. She told me that while I went she was going to grab a bite of food. She promised to come back and get me so we could take a nap together - but I had to promise her I'd keep the litter box warm in the mean time.
MK: Bear, you can see her food bowl from here.
BC: I KNOW! That's what's so troubling! Something must have happened to her - maybe she got lost or something ate her. We should go find her! I mean, she wouldn't just LEAVE me here, would she? She couldn't FORGET me, right?
MK: {Momma finds Kitty sleeping soundly in one of her favorite hiding spots in another room.} I think we'll just leave her alone. How about we play string?
BC: And flashlight?
MK: Sure.
BC: But what if Kitty gets mad at me for not staying in the litter box until she gets back?
MK: How about some treats?
BC: Oh, oh, treats!
MK: You have to come out of the litter box first.
BC: Oh, right.
BC: TREATS! TREATS! JUST FOR ME! NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOMS!
BC: Can we play now? Oh string! I love you string! STRING!


On Bear's tail (Bear/Kitty conversation):
Following Momma's blog post in memory of Kitty {HERE}, a "bonus" conversation between Kitty and Bear (you can find the rest {HERE}):
{Kitty is sleeping in her favorite spot while Bear watches}
BC: Do you think my tail is sexy?
Kitty: {Opening one eye} You do realize I'm sleeping, right?
BC: Do you think my tail is sexy?
Kitty: What?
BC: Isn't my tail sexy?
Kitty: Sure, kid.
BC: So you DO think my tail is sexy.
Kitty: Whatever you say.
BC: My tail is sexy!
Kitty: Did you get whacked upside the head one too many times by your real mom? Maybe your litter mates?
BC: S - E - X - Y!
Kitty: How the heck can Mom go from no-nonsense cat to this vapid moron?
BC: But I'm sexy.
Kitty: If you don't stop sticking your tail in my face, you'll be sorry.
BC: Don't you wish your tail was this sexy?
Kitty: GO AWAY!
Kitty: {mumbling to herself} The quality of our environment has steadily decreased . . . first the Big Dodo and now THIS! I have to question Mom's ability to judge one's character.
BC: My tail IS SSSS-E-XXXXXX-Y!
Kitty: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM! The moron is sticking his tail in my face again!
BC: You can't handle my SSSS-E-XXXXXX-Y!
Kitty: Imma about to if Mom doesn't show up soon!
BC: SSSS-E-XXXXXX-Y. {Bear does his little "sexy" prance} I'm too sexy for my tail, too sexy for my tail. Listen to the other cats WAAILLL!
Kitty: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!


On "meantience:"
{Bear walks into the bathroom, looks at Momma in the shower, and gives Momma a dirty look}
BC: What are you doing?
MK: Taking a shower.
BC: With water?
MK: How else?
BC: You could lick yourself.
MK: I have too much surface area and I'm not very flexible.
BC: But you can't pet me in there.
MK: I'll be out in a few minutes.
BC: It will be too late.
MK: Or you can be patient.
BC: If you really loved me, you'd get out and pet me now.
MK: What? So I can pet you for 5 seconds before you attack me?
BC: You think you're so smart and know everything I'm going to do. You don't know what I'm going to do.
MK: Two seconds?
BC: That's more like it. Are you done yet?
MK: Patience.
BC: Meantience.


On Bear's loneliness:
BC: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meeeeoooow.
MK: Are you singing, talking to yourself or ???
BC: I'd like attention, please. I'm lonely.
MK: {picking up Bear to set him in her lap} Poor, poor Bear.
BC: Are you making fun of me?
MK: No. {petting him} I love you, Bear.
BC: CHOMP. I'm done.
MK: Really? Your fangs embedded in my arm kind of gave that away. You can let go now. Bear? Bear?!?! Bear!
BC: Oh, right. We should do this again soon. {Bear jumps down}
MK: It couldn't POSSIBLY be as fun for you as it is for me.
BC: Duh.


On censorship: 
MK: Bear! Inside!
BC: {as he runs past the door to the side yard} But I haven't had any of the grass in the side yard yet!
MK: It tastes the same as the grass in the front.
BC: How do you know? Have you sampled the grass around our front porch?
MK: IT'S THE SAME GRASS!
BC: It is not. The bouquet, complexity, and aftertaste are completely different.
MK: My cat - the grass connoisseur.
BC: We could make money off this sh . . .
MK: Bear! You know I'm trying not to use questionable language on our blog.
BC: Well, (BLEEP) the (BLEEP) and then (BLEEP) (BLEEP) with the (BLEEP) (BLEEP)!
MK: Did you just string all the curse words you've heard together? Because that made no sense.
BC: Censorship! I am this century's "To Eat a Mockingbird," "The Cat Fur in the Rye," "The Great Catsby," "Cat-22."
MK: {trying not to laugh} Exactly! Your command of questionable language is truly the equivalent of all those "books." But you still have to go inside.
BC: I'm going to put your meanness in my book!
MK: I can't wait. "The Adventures of Huckleberry Cat."
BC: Wrong century.
MK: Inside.


On Momma's new desk chair:
BC: Momma? Where are you? You aren't sitting in your chair!
MK: I'll be there in a minute and then you can jump on my lap for our morning snuggle.
BC: Snuggle? What are you talking about? I need you to weigh down the chair so my claws sink into the fabric better! Since you got this new chair that tilts forward and backward, it moves if you're not in it! Not so good for attaching my claws.
MK: My mistake.
BC: Obviously.


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