Saturday, August 20, 2016

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 29

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household? 

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. Did you miss any of the daily "conversations" from the last two weeks? These "conversations" (posted below), include all the usual snarky and dramatic randomness on both sides, including the series on Tom, Dick, and Harry.

The Sunday Selfies in this cycle, if you missed them: Sunday Selfie #10 and Sunday Selfie #11. Sunday Selfies is a blog hop hosted by our friends, The Cat on My Head; these posts are our entries for that blog hop. 

The other posts, not included below, in this two week cycle include:
  • Long time readers of our blog know that Bear has his favorite spots around the house and that he doesn't take too kindly to being displaced (even as he'll gladly steal the spots from Momma without a second thought). Can you identify what's wrong with these pictures of injustice without reading the backstory? Poor, poor Bear. It's a bad day when he shows up at his favorite spot only to find out it's occupied! What's wrong with this picture?
  • With the blog, Momma takes a RIDICULOUS amount of pictures.  And as she's gotten SLIGHTLY more confident in her picture-taking and picture-editing skills, more and more pictures are being taken AND used. For every picture our readers see, there are easily a hundred that you don't. Today, Bear and I have a battle where our evidence is pictures. The links to specific incidents pictured are included in the dialogue if you missed any of the related posts. The picture wars.
  • Instead of our usual humor-filled daily post, in Pets' Trust Miamiwe're raised awareness for animal welfare in Miami-Dade County, Florida. In 2012, voters approved a property tax increase to fund Pets' Trust, a program to, "improve animal welfare, increase adoptions and decrease overpopulation by providing free and low cost spay/neuter, educational programs, financial assistance for rescue groups, and other programs that benefit our animals." The problem? The County Commissioners refused to implement the tax. Why is the homeless animal situation in Southern Florida so dire? Why would elected officials ignore the vote of their constituents? And what can you do? Please read this important post ... share if you can ... and see if there are lessons to be learned for where you live and work (the original proposal should be a model for every jurisdiction serious about animal welfare).
See the previous collections of shorter "conversations," like the ones posted below: 

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Here's the collection of shorter dialogues from the past two weeks (in order from oldest to most recent):

Tom, Dick and Harry:
{Conversation between Momma and the Boy as they walk in the house}
BC: Oh, Momm .... Wha ...
{Pause}
BC: Aww ... HHEEEEEEELLLLL NO! NOT AGAIN!
The Boy: Again?!?!
MK: He's kidding.
BC: NOPE!
MK: Bear! We saw you! Come back!
BC: Bite me!
MK: Come say 'hi!'
BC: HI!
MK: No. Come out from under the bed and say 'hi.'
BC: But I can say 'hi' perfectly fine from here!
MK: Bear ...
BC: No.
MK: Please?
BC: Must you subject me to the poor taste you have in the males of your species?
MK: Bear! This one is different.
BC: Sure. You say that every time!
The Boy: Every time?
MK: BEAR!
BC: Does he know about the Big Dodo? Because I'm pretty sure the Big Dodo all by himself should disqualify you from dating forever.
MK: BEAR!
BC: Don't you have something better to be doing? Like giggling and twirling your hair? 
MK: Bear, be nice!
BC: I'm a cat. With a chip on both shoulders, four paws full of claws, AND teeth. NICE?!?!?
MK: {to the Boy} It's not you. He's scared of all men.
The Boy: MEN?!?! How many ...
BC: Am not!
MK: Are too!
BC: Am not!
MK: Are too!
BC: Well, I'm not afraid of the ones you aren't dating! 
{Pause}
BC: Excuse me for not getting excited by every bomb, prick, and hairy.
MK: You mean Tom, Dick, and Harry?
BC: There are more?
MK: What?!?
BC: Who is this? Tom or Dick or Harry? Are the other two outside?
The Boy: Other two?
MK: No ...
BC: Don't expect me to call any of them daddy!
MK: Well, that's kind of premature.
BC: Are you calling me juvenile?
MK: No! Premature means ...
BC: You know, it's bad enough when you date them one at a time. But three guys at once? 
The Boy: Three ....
MK: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
BC: Hehehehehe. I guess if there's three, you need to say everything three times.
The Boy: THREE?!?!
BC: Tell him to keep his filthy paws to himself! No one touches my Momma's pussy cat except for her!
MK: Oh, come on, Bear! 
BC: My fur is pristine! I won't be tainted by the stain of iniquity.
The Boy: Iniquity? What goes on around here?
BC: Believe me, you don't want to know.
MK: Wait, wait, wait! He means ...
The Boy: {looking around suspiciously} Why do you say everything three times?
MK: I ...
BC: Do you have balls?
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: Balls! Do you have balls?
The Boy: Well, I'm not sure ...
BC: You're not sure you have balls?!?! You must not be the sharpest marker in the pack.
MK: Pencil.
BC: Whatever. {looking back toward the Boy} Because Momma neutered me. Don't say I didn't warn you ... SNIP!
The Boy:  Umm ...
BC: Just so you know her history of emasculation.
MK: BEAR! That's not the same ...
The Boy: Well, ACTUALLY ...
{Silence}
The Boy: I like your pussy ... 
{Silence}
The Boy: I mean YOUR CAT!! He's spunky!
MK: You can have him.
The Boy: Well, I didn't mean ...
BC: WOMEN! I heard they're not even from this planet ... nope. Women are from VENUS, dude! VERIFIED aliens!
The Boy: Hahahaha ... {seeing Momma's glare} ... I mean ...
MK: Don't encourage him!
BC: Encourage me! Encourage me!
MK: Why don't you come out from under the bed then, Mr. Tough Pants?
BC: Umm ... err ... YOU'VE REACHED BEAR CAT. I'M NOT AVAILABLE AT THE MOMENT. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE SO I CAN IGNORE IT!
{Silence}
BC: RATS! I forgot the ... BEEEEEP!
The Boy: Hahahahahaha {seeing Momma's glare} I mean ... 

*** The Boy was introduced in The boy.
"Oh, dear kitty gods! Please deliver us from this atrocity of boydom! I don't know how many more times I can handle my coat being soaked by tears! In the name of tuna, chicken, and beef. A MAN!
ps - If this boy should happen to own a tasty whole chicken farm, you may ignore this plea for relief from my Momma's stupidity."

*** To read more about Bear's forays into the world of human personals ...

The interview (Tom, Dick and Harry - part 2):
{Momma and the Boy are deep in conversation as Bear finally comes out from under the bed ... after two days of hiding whenever the Boy is around}
BC: {clearing his throat} AHEM!
TB: {pointing to Bear} Look who ...
BC: Who are you?
TB: I ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Am I interrupting something?
TB: Well, no. We were just talking ...
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Excuse you. I intend to make an ENTRANCE. 
{Bear walks out of the room}
MK: {rolling her eyes} (SIGH).
TB: He's ...
BC: HELLO! The Great Bear Cat, otherwise known as Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest, ARRIVES. You may admire me now.
TB: Male princess?
MK: {whispering} Don't ask.
TB: I thought he was mostly joking about your history of emasculation, but you call him 'princess?' He's got a ...
BC: SILENCE!
{Silence}
BC: Who are you?
TB: My name is ...
MK: Uh oh.
BC: Did I ask your name? I want to know your intentions.
TB: Well, I'd like to get to know ...
BC: {looking at Momma} (SIGH). Another half-wit?
MK: BEAR!
TB: Another?!?!
BC: Since you're just a couple thousand steps behind, let me be frank.
TB: Oh. Is Frank a special nickname?
BC: (SIGH). Do you intend to give me quality back scratches and ear rubs?
TB: Well, I ...
BC: Yes or no.
TB: Err ... yes.
BC: Do you intend to take my side in any argument Momma and I have?
TB: Well, she seems fairly rational ...
{Silence}
TB: But I guess everyone has shortcomings at SOME time.
MK: EXCUSE ME?
TB: Well, I didn't mean ...
BC: When Momma's starving me, do you intend to slip me a couple extra treats?
TB: You don't look like you're starv ... {stopping as he notices Bear's glare}.
{Pause}
TB: Yes, I see the problem.
MK: Are you SERIOUS?
TB: Well, he does look a little thin in the ... {looking at Bear} in the ...
BC: Do you have any tasty whole chickens?
TB: No. What ...
BC: Do you own or intend to own a tasty whole chicken farm?
TB: Hahaha. I can't imagine a tasty non-whole chicken farm ... {seeing Bear's look}. No chicken farm. Err ... is that a problem?
BC: (SIGH) Where do you find these men?
TB: MEN?!?!?
BC: I'm pretty special you know! Not just anyone can touch me and be gifted with my presence. Not to mention that it takes a real man to appreciate my excessive personality and extreme handsomeness. 
MK: Bear ...
BC: Nope. He needs to know the rules.
{Pause}
BC: Test time.
TB: TEST?!?! No one said anything about a test!
BC: Give me your best ear rub ... oh. Since you seem a little slow ... I mean GIVE ME your best ear rub. You fail if you give yourself an ear rub. That's just weird.
MK: He's hustling you for an ear rub.
BC: Shh. Women are meant to be seen, not heard.
TB: Hahahahaha ... he's really ... {seeing Momma's look} ... err ... ummm ... crap.
BC: By the way, if you take the blame for everything I "don't" do ... I just might call you 'Daddy.'
MK: Right. I'm sure he'll be falling all over himself to take responsibility for chewing on the toaster cord. The one with clear fang marks.
TB: Well ... ACTUALLY ...
MK: Don't you have something better to do, Bear?
BC: No. This date is pretty fun! You should have more of them ...
TB: Well, I hope to spend more time getting to know ...
BC: ... but only with guys with tasty whole chickens. 
{Pause}
BC: FAIL! You're dismissed. BYE!
MK: BEAR!
TB: He's kidding, right?
BC: I don't make jokes. Though I've been known to change my mind for an ear rub or twenty.
TB: I can handle that ...
BC: {eyeing the Boy suspiciously} Are your hands clean? My fur deserves nothing less.
TB: I think so ...
BC: Wash them.
MK: BEAR!
BC: No. Not negotiable. Contamination of my pristine fur is against the rules.
{The Boy comes back from washing his hands and gives Bear an ear rub}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
TB: What a good girl ...
BC: WHAT?!?!
TB: (BLEEP)! Sorry. My cat's a girl. I'm used to saying, "good girl."
BC: Is she pretty?
TB: Well, I guess ...
BC: Hmmm. You may proceed to the back scratch portion of the interview.
TB: Hahahaha ... oh, you're serious.
{Pause ... then the Boy starts scratching Bear's back}
BC: Oooooooooooh! PURRRRRR ... 
{Pause}
BC: You're okay. Until a guy with a tasty whole chicken farm comes along.
MK: Bear!
BC: You kids have fun {Bear walks away}.
TB: He's ... he's ...
MK: One of a kind?
TB: Yes.
MK: Welcome to my life.

*** The Boy was introduced in The boy.
*** To read more about Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest ... "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 22.


Annoying giggliness:
MK: Hi ....
BC: Do you mind?


MK: I'm sorry?
BC: You're interrupting!

MK: {looking around the room} Bear, I just walked into the room.
BC: I know!
MK: But you're just laying in the desk chair! You aren't DOING anything else.
BC: Isn't that enough?
MK: I just got up to go to the bathroom and saw you looking incredibly put out on the desk chair down the hall.
BC: I AM put out! You're interrupting!
MK: Excuse me? Interrupting WHAT?!?!
BC: You don't see me coming back there and sticking my nose in your giggling business with HIM. Talk about ANNOYING.
MK: HEY! There is NO gigg .... I DON'T gig ...
{Momma and Bear stare at each other}
MK: Point taken.
BC: You don't giggle with me like that!
MK: That's not true! I laugh like that when 
we play; we chase each other all over the house and rough-house and I laugh almost the entire time! 
BC: Am I being replaced? It seems like you spend all your time talking on the phone now.
MK: And you DO stick your nose in my "giggling business" all the time!
BC: Well, YEAH. You ignore me! I bet if I didn't put my nose in your business, you'd completely forget that I exist!
MK: That's not true and you know it. There's plenty of time for us to have quality Momma and Bear time. Remember these?

BC: But not as much time as before!
MK: I still drop everything to pet you when you want to be petted!
BC: Phht. Did I mention annoying giggliness?
MK: Bear, you aren't being replaced. There's enough room in my heart for both of you. 
BC: HMPH. 
MK: You get annoyed when all my attention is directed toward you anyway.
BC: Well, YEAH! I have to exercise my right to ignore you! Now I don't get enough time for loves AND adequate ignore-al time! To properly ignore you, I have to give up a couple hours of love time!!!
MK: It's not a competition. Or an "either/or" situation. 
BC: Last night you plopped on the bed without looking and almost cat-caked me!
MK: It was dark. I already apologized. A hundred times.
BC: I was sleeping peacefully on my bed and all of a sudden a GIGGLING BLOB falls out of the sky onto my delicate, gorgeous body! I thought the sky was falling! My tragically short and endlessly disappointing LIFE flashed before my eyes!
MK: Bear ...
BC: I could have died without ever experiencing tasty whole chickens or the love of a sexy tortie!
MK: Bear, you refuse to get anywhere near another cat - regardless of coat pattern or sexiness.
BC: SURE! Just mock my dreams!
MK: I wasn't MOCKING you. I was merely pointing out that given the opportunity to make friends, you hide under the bed. You MALES! You want something so badly but then mess it up when you get it!
BC: Trouble in your iniquitous bliss?
MK: What's INIQUITOUS about it?
BC: You forget me!!! Over the weekend, my wet food treat was TWO hours late! TWO. HOURS!
MK: And the day before that, you got your wet food treat two hours EARLY. Not to mention the additional back scratches and ear rubs you got with another person around.
BC: He thought I was a girl!
MK: Says the cat that goes around demanding to be called "Princess Buttercup."

Princess Buttercup as envisioned by our friends ... because who else is going to give you a tiara when your mean Momma refuses?


BC: MALE Princess Buttercup.
MK: And he didn't think you were a girl ... his cat is a girl and he's used to saying, "Good girl." 
BC: Hmph. What guy wants a "good" girl?!?!
MK: It's like when I visit my niece and nephew and I accidentally say, "BEAR!" instead of their names because I'm used to spitting that out when trouble is being caused and I'm trying to put an end to it. It's just the first thing that comes out!
BC: I get in trouble when I'm not even doing anything!
MK: I can't win!
BC: I didn't even get to put on my show!
MK: Maybe because you spent two days under the bed instead of coming out right away?
BC: Hmph.
MK: I'm sure he'd love to watch your show next time he comes over.
BC: WHAT?!?!?! NEXT time? There's going to be a NEXT time?!?!?! I QUIT!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Oh! I see how it is. I'm good enough for you when you have no life. "Oh, Bear saved my life ..." THIS, and "I couldn't live without Bear ..." THAT. But all it takes is one stupid boy and you forget me!
MK: Come here ...
BC: NO! NO! Don't touch me! I'm MAD! I'm offended! I'm not talking to you!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I'm not talking to you ANYMORE.
MK: I love you, Bear ...
BC: NO! NO! PUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR. RATS! I ... PURRRR ... HATE ... PURRRR ... YOU! You ... PURRRR ... won't ... PURRR ... get away ... PURR ... WITH ... PURRR {sigh}. I love you too, Momma.


What's Momma's "giggling business?" If you missed any of the posts about the new "boy" in Momma's life ...
*** The Boy was introduced in The boy.
*** Bear meets the Boy in Tom, Dick and Harry - part 1
*** Bear has a talk with the Boy in The interview (Tom, Dick and Harry - part 2).


Crap-ay pat-ay:
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! It's my food time!!!
{Pause}
BC: MoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMAAA! Maybe you didn't hear me the first time, but it's BEAR'S FOOD TIME!!!!
MK: Are you hungry?
{Silence as Bear stares at Momma}
BC: Surely that wasn't a question!
MK: I was just trying to be conversational.
BC: There's plenty of time for conversationals AFTER you feed me.
MK: Okay. Let's get you some food.
BC: Oooh! WET FOOD TREAT TIME! Yummy in Bear's big tummy!!! Yum yum num num num num num! Come to Bear's big belly!!!!
{Pause}
BC: What's this CRAP?!?!
MK: It's pate.
BC: I don't EAT pate!
MK: Try it!
BC: No. YOU try it!
MK: Bear, it's one of the cans I got to sample at the conference. Just try it.
BC: NO! I want a proper wet food treat! This doesn't even have gravy!!! Who makes food without gravy?!?!?!
MK: Give me a second ... {Momma picks up the plate, adds a little water and swirls it around}.
{Pause}
MK: Here.
BC: WHOA! You made gravy by MAGIC!!! {Whispering} Can you poof me a cat hammock?
MK: I try not to turn too many tricks in one day.
BC: Then at least turn this into something other than crap-ay pat-ay!
MK: That's it for today.
BC: But ... but ... I'm going to STARVE before tomorrow!
MK: I just filled your food bowl too. Starvation isn't imminent.

BC: I'm going to STARVE and YOU DON'T CARE!
MK: The starving cats in China ...
BC: Then send the Chinese cats this crap-ay pat-ay! I bet they wouldn't eat it either!!!
MK: It's not that bad!
BC: Did YOU taste it?
MK: Well ... NO.  But then again, I don't sample the foods I give you.
BC: WHAT?!?!?!?! Oh. So MY food's not good enough for you?
MK: Bear, I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY IN HELL that I'm going to down some of that nasty fishy stuff. It's bad enough that I can't get away from the smell all day.
BC: HELL? That sounds like HEAVEN, lady!
MK: Bear ...
BC: I could be POISONED! Taste-testing is your job! You have to have some first JUST IN CASE! I could be ASSASSINATED! Felinity is a cut throat business!
{Pause}
BC: {GASP!} NO! THE BOY wants to knock me off!
MK: Bear, no one is trying to kill you.
BC: How do you know?
MK: Take it or leave it ... pate is the wet food treat menu today.
{Pause}
BC: Do de do. La la la. Hmmm ... oooooh. Pretty glass. BREAKABLE glass ... Hmmmm ... de do de do ... give me real food or the glass gets it!

MK: I'm not going to be intimidated by a picky pint-sized furry terrorist with an attitude problem!
BC: Hehehehehehe. 
{WHACK!}

BC: I'm NOT sorry!
MK: {sigh}. I'm still not giving you anything else.
{Pause}
BC: I'm in your desk chair!!! Ripping up your chair!!! Do you hear my claws ripping the fabric?!?!

MK: Yeah. Somehow I think it's a bit too late for the desk chair. And the couch. And the carpet. And the blinds.

BC: You don't appreciate my art!
MK: That's one way of putting it. I just find it odd that the nicest piece of furniture in this house is your cat tree and yet the scratching posts on it are pristine.
BC: Hey! Even I know not to poop where I eat!
MK: WHAT?!?! What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bull****.
BC: Oh yeah? I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my butt!
MK: That was a good one.
BC: I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
MK: BEAR!
BC: My Momma is so mean ... she has no standard deviation.
MK: Hold on ...
BC: The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's butt and wait.
{Pause}
BC: Oops. Too far?
MK: This from the cat that doesn't take well to me dating.
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! All the wet food is gone! I thought you refused to eat it!
BC: I don't eat crap-ay pat-ay. I bet Gary and Larry ate it.
MK: The aliens?
BC: Do you know another Gary and Larry?
MK: Never mind. I didn't know aliens like chicken.
BC: Chicken? It tasted like turk ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!

*** Curious about Bear's "aliens?"
*** Bear's accused Momma of being a witch (like the gravy "trick" in today's post) before ...

    The good cat:
    BC: Do de do da do de ... la la la ...
    {Pause}
    BC: {GASP} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
    {THUNK!}
    MK: Bear!
    BC: I didn't do it!
    MK: Bear, don't give me that. I know you were in that part of the room.
    BC: But you didn't see me by the bag of trash!
    MK: Bear. I'm not stupid. It was sitting there like a good trash bag before you went over there and sniffed around. And seeing as you knew I was talking about the trash bag ...
    BC: It's like you have eyes in the back of your head! {GASP} DO you have eyes in the back of your head? That would explain why ...
    {Pause}
    BC: RATS!
    {Pause}
    BC: "Good trash" is a bit of an oxymoron, don't you think?
    MK: Like "good cat?"
    BC: Well ... I ... err ... hmmm.
    {Pause}
    BC: THE TRASH ALMOST ATE ME!
    MK: Where was your nose?
    BC: The trash almost grasped me in its ferocious jaws and all you can think about is the location of my nose?!?! I could be bouncing around its evil stomach marinating in its malicious juices!
    MK: Maybe you should just stay away from plastic bags?
    BC: It almost ATE ME!
    MK: And what happened when you nosed around in the grocery bags?
    BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
    MK: THIS?
    BC: RATS! I REALLY hate those pictures!
    MK: Uh huh. Do you remember what happened?
    BC: Err ... I was walking past the plastic bags of groceries when one viciously attacked me for no reason! You can see its depraved jaws around my juicy and delectable body!!!
    MK: Somehow I remember it differently - even if it happened eight years ago. Like maybe that you were sniffing in the bag that held a gallon of milk ... you got startled and pulled back with your head still through the handle ... which freaked you out and you pulled back even more violently ... throwing the milk in one direction as the bag broke and ensuring the handle was caught around your body.
    BC: And you took pictures instead of rescuing me!!!
    MK: Bear, you wouldn't let me get near you.
    BC: Because you were LAUGHING. I could've lost all my nine lives and you were LAUGHING. Besides, I thought the cackling was the bag taunting me. But no. It was my OWN MOMMA chuckling at my misfortune.
    MK: Somehow "misfortune" seems like a misnomer since you got yourself into the situation.
    BC: I was minding my own business! It's not my fault that I'm tantalizing to a plastic bag! I imagine it sees my savory loins walking past and just can't control itself. Much like the lady cats of the neighborhood can't control themselves in my presence.
    MK: PFFT! {laughing}.
    BC: Oh, now THAT was attractive! No wonder you have problems with boys. 
    MK: I'm sorry, Bear. But I was taking a drink of water JUST as you mentioned the ardently desirous lady cats. You know ... the ones you stare at and caterwaul at through the window but who you run from if ever within a hundred feet of them outside.
    BC: Women are trouble!
    MK: Excuse me?
    BC: Debauchery. That's all they want. I'm a good boy!
    MK: I think your halo fell off in your litter box.
    BC: {looking around himself} What?!?!?
    {Pause}
    BC: Oh. Hardy har har.
    MK: I'm a woman.
    BC: No, you're not!
    MK: Then what am I?
    BC: My MOMMA! That's not the same thing.
    MK: Nice. Thanks. Though calling yourself a "good boy" is about as accurate as saying I'm not a woman.
    BC: I AM a good boy! At least on days whose names don't end in 'y.'
    MK: Exactly.
    BC: So we agre ... 
    {Pause}
    BC: RATS! It'd be nice if JUST ONCE I spoke before I thought.
    MK: {laughing}.
    BC: TRIPLE RATS! I meant thought before I spoke!
    MK: I'm not sure that's the problem.
    BC: What's that supposed to mean?
    MK: Remember the cat rapper? AKA The CRAPPER? "I drop more than beats!"
    BC: Ooooooooooooh. I just ... I get so mad ... you ... you ... never forget ANYTHING! Like YOU'RE so PERFECT! 

    *** To read more about Bear's antics (like the plastic bag incident): Bears Behaving Badly (or at least regrettably) and Things I Never, Ever Thought I'd Say to a Cat.
    *** If you missed the post about Bear aspiring to be a "crapper:" Momma's Sad . . . and Bear For President!



    Less talk-y and more scratch-y:
    BC: MommmmMMA! In case you didn't notice, it's PAST my wet food treat ti ...
    {Pause}
    BC: Why is it dark in ...
    {Pause as Bear ascertains the situation}

    BC: Are you crying? Who died? You NEVER cry! NEVER! Only when ...
    {Pause}
    BC: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no ... HEEEEEELLLLL NO!
    MK: Bear ...
    BC: I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!
    MK: Well, okay, but ...
    BC: No. Nope. Nuh uh! Go curl up with a stuffed animal!! I'm ... I'm ... err ... umm ... out of service!
    MK: Please? I'm hurting ... I need ...
    BC: {sigh} Just as long as you realize that I TOLD you this was going to happen! Boys are BAD! BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!!!
    MK: You're a boy.
    BC: And don't you FORGET it!!
    MK: But ...
    BC: Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you? I don't trust boys because I'M a boy!!!
    MK: Oh.
    BC: I want my tiny black cat girlfriend ...
    MK: I thought you were into a certain tortie now?
    BC: {AHEM} Do you mind? As I was saying ... I want my tiny black cat girlfriend until the second I "have" her and then I run for the hills. It's all great and wonderful until I actually face what I think I want!!! And then there's WORK!
    MK: I bet she's worth it. But ...
    BC: Okay, okay. I run for under the bed.
    MK: At least you're honest.
    BC: And I just want to snuggle with her ....
    {Pause}
    BC: DAMrats! I meant I want to ... I want to ... err ... do BOY things with her.
    MK: Ummmm ...
    BC: No! I mean ... I mean ...
    MK: Because it would be okay if you want to do boy things with other boys ... I love you no matter what.
    BC: You know what I meant!!!
    MK: I'm delirious. I'm numb. I can't believe I'm having THIS conversation with my NEUTERED cat.
    BC: HEY! Who are YOU calling ...
    {Pause}
    BC: Never mind. Though your history of neutering might come in handy in your situation ...
    MK: {bursts out laughing} I love you, Bear.
    BC: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one hurts my Momma except me!!!
    {Pause}
    BC: Err ... ummm ... I'M NOT GOOD WITH TEARS!!!
    MK: Come here ...
    BC: But ... but  ... my FUR ... pretty ... befitting a MALE princess ... {sigh} OKAAAY.
    MK: Well if you don't want some quality ear rubs ...
    BC: No! NO! I'm good! Ear rubs, please! Besides, you're usually too busy to bother with me anymore.
    MK: That's not true.
    BC: Well maybe it just FEELS that way. On account of your distractions.
    MK: Distractions?
    BC: Well, I don't get 100% of your attention anymore.
    MK: I love you, Bear. That doesn't change even when my life expands for other good things.
    BC: GOOD things? Phht. GOOD?!? {sigh} I love you too, Momma. 
    {Pause}
    BC: But stay away from the boys. Other than me.
    MK: Too late.
    BC: {sigh} This is going to be a long relationship. A bit of extra catnip wouldn't be so bad to grease the wheels and make me regular again.
    MK: Regular?
    BC: "Regular" within the bounds of catdom.
    MK: Are we talking about your litter box?
    BC: Not EVERYTHING is about my litter box! Get your mind out of my litter box!
    MK: Did we really just have this conversation?
    BC: I'll never tell. Especially with a few more of those back scratches.
    MK: Deal.
    BC: I love you, Momma.
    MK: I love you too, Bug.
    BC: Yeah. Yeah. TWO. WORDS. BACK SCRATCHES.
    MK: You drive a tough bargain.
    BC: I'm a cat.
    MK: Good point.
    BC: Thank you. Less talk-y and more scratch-y.

    Did you miss any of the prior posts regarding "the Boy" in Momma's life? "The Boy" was introduced in The boy. Bear meets "the Boy" in Tom, Dick and Harry and The interview.


    Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ... :
    MK: We need to have a talk, Bear.
    BC: Is it going to be something like, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ...?"
    MK: Well, no. I just want to understand ...
    BC: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
    MK: Bear ...
    BC: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
    MK: Knock that ...
    BC: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
    MK: HEY!
    BC: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
    MK: BEAR!
    BC: You've reached Bear Cat ... this machine only hears, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." BEEP!
    MK: Treats ...
    BC: Where??!?!
    MK: Interesting.
    BC: Where are the treats?
    MK: Why aren't you using your cat tree anymore?
    BC: TREATS!?!?!?
    {Pause}
    BC: You took out six treats and only gave me three!
    MK: Cat tree?
    BC: TREATS?!?!
    MK: Cat tree?
    BC: I don't remember.
    MK: Neither do I.
    BC: RATS!
    MK: Cat tree?
    BC: Dog.
    MK: You're not using your cat tree anymore because of the dog that now lives upstairs?
    BC: Treats.
    MK: Here ...
    {Pause as Bear eats}
    BC: Treats.
    MK: Nope. That's it.
    BC: Only SIX? Cheapskate! I don't come cheap, you know!
    MK: I'm waiting. 
    BC: {sigh} When I'm on the perches of my cat tree, that makes me closer to the dog. I prefer to be as far away as possible. Like say, under the bed.
    MK: But he can't hurt you through the ceiling.
    BC: Whatever. Dogs are rather dull, but they're also really tricky.
    MK: Is that also why you're not playing as much with me during play time?
    BC: I hear the dog moving. And FARTING. How unsophisticated.
    MK: YOU fart.
    BC: But you never hear it so you can't be sure it's me.
    MK: The silent killer.
    BC: I bet that's the dog's name.
    MK: It's unfortunate that you don't climb anymore ... not even to get on the counters.
    BC: Blame it on the silent killer.
    MK: But you lose your favorite sleeping spots!
    BC: That's what your desk chair and your bed are for.
    MK: "YOUR?"
    BC: RATS!
    {Pause}
    BC: I'm so nervous I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I like big butts and the doctor can't lie.
    MK: Your doctor says you're not missing any meals.
    BC: I don't like big butts that take up a lot of room. Like your ... ummm ... crap.
    MK: Bear, there's no reason to be scared of the dog. 
    BC: Phht. Scared. I'm not SCARED. I just prefer to not be in the dog's company.
    MK: Is that why you run under the bed every time he barks?
    BC: I ... err ... umm ... REALLY MAD! I HATE YOU! Are TRYING to make me look like a sissy? My tortie lady friend READS this blog!!! Are you TRYING to ruin my chances with her?!?!
    MK: Bear ...
    BC: What about your Kit Kat habit? HUH? Or your new doughnut habit? Or the time a couple weeks ago when we had to have a conversation because you weren't eating enough?
    MK: Bear ...
    BC: How do you think THE BOY would feel knowing you talk to other boys?
    MK: WHAT?!?! What are you talking about?
    BC: You talk to me!
    MK: You make it sound like I talk to other human boys.
    BC: I didn't actually SAY that, now did I? Therefore, what I said is not a lie. You talk to me. I'm a boy. You talk to other boys. 
    MK: Cats ... the masters in the art of the technicality.
    BC: Does he know about your big butt? Because it's nearly impossible to share a chair with you.
    MK: BEAR! 
    BC: Are you done "blah-ing" for today? Because if you keep talking, I might fall asleep. Unless, of course, there's a "treats" in there.
    MK: Bear's big belly listens ... the rest of the cat? Not so much.
    BC: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
    MK: Tortie.
    BC: WHERE?

    Momma's list of words to make the cat run:
    1. "Treats!" (or food) - toward the food bowl, then the pantry, then back to the food bowl again ... over and over ... until the treats magically appear in his bowl. 
    2. "Outside!" - toward the front door. 
    3. "Inside!" - into the rosebush so Momma can't grab him. 
    4. "Snuggles!" - toward the couch (caveat - while the cat runs as fast as he can to a few feet away from the couch, he then slams on the brakes when he remembers himself ... and then looks around casually like he's not sure how he got there ... licks himself a few times ... looks out the window ... walks around in a few circles and then meanders back to the couch like cuddling with his Momma JUST occurred to him). 
    5. "Play!" - toward the family room and his favorite toy. 
    6. "Are you Momma's handsome boy?" - as far away from Momma as possible.
    *** To learn more about Bear's cat tree ... Meowing Up The Wrong Tree? (& Lots of Pictures).
    *** The upstairs neighbor's dog was introduced in ... "On the neighbor's dog" from "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 25.
    *** You may read about Momma getting in trouble for her unhealthy behavior in ... T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
    *** Bear's big belly often gets the best of him ... give him a couple treats and the annoying picture box isn't quite so annoying anymore ... not to mention the short window of cooperation when a pose with a prop is required for a post.
    • From Why Is Bear Suing Momma (AGAIN)!?!?!? ... This is a horrid picture ... unusable for anything but showing how Momma lured Bear so that she could get a picture of him with the prop.



    Better in my head:
    BC: {Sitting on the floor in front of the chair ... looking around} Do de do la la fa so de so.
    MK: Don't even THINK about it!
    {Stare down ... then Momma sprints to the chair}
    BC: {Jumping in the chair} Woop!
    MK: DARN it, Bear!!
    BC: Lalalalala ... {licky, licky, lick, lick, lickety lick}.

    MK: Move.
    BC: Lalalalala ... {licky, licky, lick, lick, lickety lick}.

    MK: Come ON! This is the SIXTH time in fifteen minutes that I got up and came back to you waiting to jump in the chair JUST as I was about to sit down again.

    BC: I think the important words of note here are, "GOT UP" and "CAME BACK." The chair wasn't occupied.
    MK: Bear! You WAITED for me to come back - so you could make sure I SAW you steal the chair.
    BC: It's not stealing if the chair isn't occupied.
    MK: You RACED me!
    BC: The early cat gets the ... gets the ... err ... umm ... chair?
    MK: Seriously?
    BC: It sounded better in my head.
    MK: It usually does, doesn't it?
    BC: This from the person who yelled out in frustration, "I CAN'T GET INTO MY OWN PANTS!"
    MK: They were too small! The dryer ...
    BC: Lalalalala ... DOUGHNUTS!
    MK: Did I ask you?
    BC: Just helping.
    MK: NOT.
    BC: What about "I HAVE NO LIFE!" Or my personal favorite, "I DON'T HAVE A DATE!"
    MK: I had help from SOME CAT on those.
    BC: I am THE CAT.
    {Pause}
    BC: That sounded better in my head too.
    MK: Hehehehe. Move.
    BC: No.
    MK: {moving toward removing the cat} Fine.
    BC: MROOWWWWWWWWW!

    MK: OW! What was that for?
    BC: You can't sit here!
    MK: BITE ME!
    BC: Well, okay ...

    MK: NOT what I meant!
    BC: MROW! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
    MK: Most cats only hiss when they feel threatened. You hiss when I try to sit in my own chair or when I pick you up when you refuse to come inside.
    BC: I also hiss when you clip my claws.
    MK: Exactly. Your hisses are part of temper tantrums, not fear.
    BC: That's because I'm not afraid of anything!
    MK: I'm sorry. Why do you spend half of the time hiding under the kitchen table now?

    BC: I'm not HIDING! I'm ... I'm ... well, hmmm ...
    MK: HIDING?
    BC: No. I don't have to explain myself. I'm a cat. I do my own thing. I do CAT things!
    MK: Umm ...
    BC: It sounded better in my head.
    MK: I'm detecting a pattern.
    BC: Yes. I'm trying to relax in my desk chair and you're annoying me! What's a cat gotta do to get some peace and quiet around here?
    MK: NOT sit in my desk chair.
    BC: It DOES have MY name on it ...
    MK: Where did you find more post-its? After the first episode and its conclusion, I thought I hid them all.
    BC: A cat never tells.
    MK: Yet, you don't mind telling on me.
    BC: Well, you DO eat a lot of doughnuts! WHAT?!?! Why are you STARING AT ME?!?! I'm not moving.

    MK: That's my chair.
    BC: I'm not moving.
    MK: I'm going to take some pictures.

    BC: Get that {BLEEP}ing camera out of my face! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! 
    There's an ogre staring ... oh, wait. That's you. A-NNOY-ING!

    MK: You blinked.
    BC: I'm not moving.
    MK: Please?!?!
    BC: I'm not moving.
    {Pause}
    BC: HA! YOU blinked that time!
    {Pause}
    BC: HEY! NO! NONONONONO! I'm NOT moving! This is illegal! You can't use your giant oaf status to REMOVE me from my chair! HOW RUDE!
    {Pause}
    BC: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
    MK: BEAR! Bring that camera back here!
    BC: Nope. I'm going to dump it in my water bowl. I've had enough!
    MK: Hey!
    BC: SUCKER! Ha! You moved. I OWN this mother-meowing chair!

    MK: You got the chair. Congratulations.
    BC: That's not the point.
    MK: Then what's the point?
    {Pause}
    BC: Errr ... umm ... yeah ... no, not that ... errr ...
    {Pause}
    BC: ME GETTING MY WAY! MEMEMEMEMEME!
    {Pause}
    BC: RATS! That sounded better in my head too!
    MK: So basically, you take the position directly opposite to the position you know me to hold - JUST to oppose me. To prove that you're superior?
    BC: RESPECT the CAT.
    MK: Okay. THAT ONE sounded good out loud.
    BC: Thank you.

    ***  To read more about the desk chair wars:
    ***  Interested in reading about another time something sounded better in Bear's head than out loud? Read about his aspirations to be a "crapper" in Momma's Sad . . . and Bear For President!

    ***  Since the start of the blog, Bear's been accusing Momma of endless iniquities and/or frustrating her to the point that she admits things out loud that she'd rather keep to herself ... prior incidents include:

    6 comments:

    1. You have had a busy week Bear. I am tired just reading about it :) You have to work so hard tpo protect your chair and all your other stuff.

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. I know! When's a cat supposed to get a cat nap around here?!?! ~Bear Cat

        Delete
    2. You are a busy guy for sure! We love the photo of you cuddling your mom.

      ReplyDelete
    3. Oh my mouses, Bear. You have your paws full, for sure. But tell me, does 'the boy' have a supply of nip 'cause let me tell you, a nice box of nip candy or a bouquet of nip flowers or even a bottle of niptinis would go a long way, for sure. MOUSES!

      Purrs,
      Seville

      ReplyDelete