Saturday, March 12, 2016

When a Sexy Cat Lacks Sexy Things

Some of Bear's more unfortunate (for him) and more amusing (for me) traits include his irrepressible excitement, eagerness, and enthusiasm that often get him in a bit of trouble when he talks (or acts) first and thinks later. Without a doubt, some of his ideas sound WAY better in his head than when he says them out loud or puts them into practice, and others give Momma information he'd rather keep to himself. When Bear is guided by his enthusiasm, he often misses the clues of Momma's growing agitation or displeasure and can't stop himself from continuing on his path and defending his position; before long, Bear finds himself in a mess he's not entirely sure how he got into and he's even more puzzled about how to get out of. Never has this been more true than in one of our recent conversations where Bear laments the boring-ness of Momma's pen supply. And what is a sexy cat (by his own admission, not a term Momma prefers or encourages: Kitty Diva or Pop "Tart?") to do with only boring pens? Start his own collection! But how can he do this when he almost never leaves the house? And in the heat of the moment of this conversation, what else does Bear admit to?

For our newer readers, at the very end of the post, I've included past dialogues and links to past posts that may help you understand a bit more of the history of Bear's pen habit, his obsession with tasty whole chickens, and Bear's great love affair with bows.

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

MK: What the . . .
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! I just stepped on . . .
BC: My order came! FINALLY! I've been waiting for hours!
MK: What order?
BC: My pen order. DUH!
MK: You ordered a pen?
BC: No.
MK: I'm confused.
BC: Technically, this is my ninety-ninth order . . . and maybe my hundred-and-fiftieth pen?
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: One more order and I'll get VIP status!
MK: Order?
BC: Ordering became so much more convenient once they added express shipping and white glove delivery.
MK: They? They WHO?
BC: The PenPals.
MK: The pen pals, what?
BC: No. PenPals is the name of the company.
MK: Where you order pens?
BC: No. They deliver idiots! That must be where YOU came from! 
{Pause}
BC: Are you even listening?
MK: Sorry. I'm just a little confused.
BC: You act as if that's new.
MK: This is the first time I've heard of PenPals.
BC: WHAT!?!? Surely you've heard their jingle, "Double your pens . . . double your fun!"
MK: That's a riff off a chewing gum commercial!
BC: What about, "The best part of waking up are pens in your cup?"
MK: Coffee.
BC: "Good to the last drop . . . of ink."
MK: Coffee.
BC: {GASP} I wonder if PenPals knows its jingles are being ripped off by other companies!
MK: Actually . . . 
BC: This is disturbing. Very, very disturbing! You humans think that you can just take whatever you want from us cats . . . we'll sue you! Human entitlement is an ugly, ugly thing! Pure selfishness!
MK: So PenPals is owned by cats?
BC: Who else would have the volume and variety of pens we cats collect? Regular felines, JUST LIKE ME, share their collections to the greater good of CATKIND. And a bit of extra moolah. I'd say you'd be surprised by how little most cats get from humans . . . but considering you don't buy me catnip, I'm still cat hammock and tasty whole chicken-less, and you're a treat miser, you already know.
MK: Have you sold them any of my pens?
BC: Phht. You're stingy with the pens and don't just leave them out willy-nilly. AND your pens are boring. They all advertise for these "Lic" or "PaperHate"companies. A dime a dozen, those. Most cats want COLORS! Vibrance! Beauty! SEX-iness!
MK: What's sexy about a pen?
BC:  If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
MK: How does the pen delivery service work?
BC: With felines' exceptional skills and existing genetically-linked network, I send my order in at any time telepathically. Of course, there's a special secret password you must include to start the order; otherwise, pens would rain from the sky at our every whim. Whew! Can you imagine all the accidental orders? Thankfully, cats are really intelligent!
MK: Makes sense.
BC: The stylish cat with discerning taste gets to decide ink color, pen type, pen style, and whether or not there's writing on the pen. Caps or no caps. The only options I haven't ordered from yet are the fountain pen line and the line of pens with invisible ink . . .
MK: Is this where all the strange pens are coming from?
BC: Of course, these product lines are the most popular, and the most expensive.
MK: What are the most expensive?
BC: The fountain pens and the pens with invisible ink. To get a fountain pen with invisible ink would cost more money than I'll ever see in my life!
MK: Wait! Cost?
BC: There's no such thing as a free pen, Momma!
MK: How have you paid for all of these pens?
BC: I haven't. Every time a bill comes, I hide it in my secret stash under . . .
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
MK: Under what?
BC: Under the sea! Under the sea . . . there are lots of fish-EE, under the sea! What a fun place to be, under the sea, with lots of fish-EE!
MK: Is that supposed to be the Disney song from the Little Mermaid?
BC: I don't know. How does it go?
MK: I'm not sure . . . I haven't seen it for a while.
BC: You should look it up on the internet.
MK: Good idea!
{Pause}
MK: Wait a MINUTE! You're just trying to distract me!
BC: Under the sea . . . fish-EE!
{Pause}
BC: Momma?
MK: Yes, Bear?
BC: I'm hungry. Can I have some fish-EE? From under the sea?
MK: Why don't you look for some in your secret stash . . . 
BC: Like there'd be . . . 
MK: Under the sea!
BC: But you get mad at me when I play in my water bowl!
MK: {sigh} Never mind.
{Pause}
MK: Where ARE all the pens you've ordered?
BC: Are you going to get mad?
MK: I don't know.
BC: Then never mind.
MK: Let's see. There was that one day I found nineteen pens under the couch . . . then there was that pen I found and threw away for the Playbunnykittens . . .
BC: MOMMA! That was my favorite pen!
MK: The one with a cat face with bunny ears?
BC: And a suggestive tail?
MK: Is that what that was?
BC: You threw her away? That was VINTAGE! It cost . . . uh . . . umm . . . never mind.
{Pause}
BC: Can I have an allowance?
MK: To support your pen habit?
BC: No. To go to rehab.
{Pause}
BC: OF COURSE, for more pens!
MK: I'm not an enabler.
BC: And because we already owe them . . . 
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: They might repossess my pens!
MK: Because you really NEED one hundred-and-fifty pens?
BC: Don't judge! You don't see me counting your Kit Kat wrappers!
MK: There were only ten from the past week.
BC: LIAR! There were at least twenty-five!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! RATS! RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Under the sea . . . with lots of fish-EE! What a happy place to be . . . UNDER THE SEA!
MK: You are a strange cat.
BC: There's no such thing as a strange cat!
MK: Good point. It's a bit redundant.
BC: Ye . . . WAIT A MINUTE!
MK: Don't worry about them repossessing your pens. Legally, you can't sign contracts.
BC: What do you mean? I sign contracts ALL THE TIME!
{Pause}
BC: Uh, oh.
{Pause}
BC: Like your signature is that hard to copy! All you do is a squiggle! Even cats without thumbs can manage THAT! If it's easy to copy, that's YOUR fault!
{Pause}
BC: Uh, oh. Squared. No. CUBED!
{Pause}
BC: Well, since the cat is out of the bag anyway . . . have you gotten the paperwork for my purchase of the Clucks and Ducks: Tasty Whole Chicken Farm yet? 
MK: What do you mean "Clucks AND DUCKS?!?!"
BC: Phew! So you're okay with the tasty whole chickens! The chicken farm comes with a duck farm, but the ducks are only mediocre, non-tasty grade. I haven't sampled the wares yet . . . I must make sure I get what I'm paying for! They wouldn't let me sample the goods right off . . . apparently a lot of cats just answer the ads for chicken farms to get a free sample.
MK: {with just a TINGE of sarcasm} At least they're whole ducks, right?
BC: Actually . . . 
MK: BEAR! How can ducks on a duck farm NOT be whole?
{Pause}
MK: Too bad you couldn't find a chicken factory for sale.
BC: I know! Chicken production, here comes BEAR! But I couldn't find any chicken factories for sale, so I had to settle for being the middle-cat, caring for the chickens after they're made in the factory, but before they're disassembled again for food.
{Pause}
BC: Wow! You're onto all my tricks today! I can't get anything past you! It's a miracle you haven't discovered . . . 
{Pause}
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: Well, since that one's out there too . . . a twenty foot aquarium would fit in here, correct?
MK: Why?
BC: Just wondering.
MK: Twenty feet in length?
BC: Yes.
MK: Probably. The width of the house is about twenty-five feet. And the length is about thirty-five feet.
BC: Then my plan will work!
MK: What's that?
BC: Well, I want a fish tank. And the duck farm doesn't come with a lake or pond or anything. So I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone and get a large aquarium for my fish and something for the ducks to swim around in.
MK: You want to move the duck farm here?
BC: Are you even listening?
MK: So we'll have a bunch of fractions of non-tasty ducks and whole non-tasty ducks running around the house?
BC: Don't be ridiculous! Like I said, they can swim in the aquarium for the fish.
{Pause}
BC: Wait! Where are you going?!?! Why are you getting in bed and pulling the covers over your head?!?! And IGNORING me?!?!?
{Pause}
BC: I don't think hiding is a good way to deal with your problems! Anyone can see the big lump under the blankets! AT LEAST go under the bed! No one will find you . . . RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Is this a bad time to tell you about . . . 
{Pause}
{Momma pokes her head out and gives Bear THE LOOK.}
BC: Never mind. BYE!
{Pause}
BC: Oh! Am I grounded? Because if I'm grounded this weekend, I won't be able to tour the bow factory I'm looking to buy. That one's gearing up to be better than all the others COMBINED! And an unlimited stock of bows . . . for me!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! No . . . (BLEEP)!!!!!
{Momma starts to poke her head out again, right as Bear says . . . }
BC: BYE! {Bear runs faster than he's ever run before and takes refuge is his cat tree corner meanwhile cursing his proclivity for talking WAY too much and volunteering information that would best be kept to himself}.

Bear shows off part of his "sexy" pen collection (including one he stole from the vet's office . . . at least he got SOMETHING out of it besides annoyance and pain).

Supporting dialogues and past information that may help newer readers understand the above dialogue a little better:

Momma finds nineteen pens under the couch:
BC: You were cheating on me!
MK: What?
BC: Your face!
MK: Wha . . . {Momma looks in the mirror}.
MK: {Bleep} {BLEEP}ing {bleep} {bleep} {BLEEP}!
BC: WHOOOOA! I like that! Can you repeat that? I want to write that down! Where are all the pens? I swear, EVERY TIME I need a pen around here, I can't find one!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! That's inconvenient. Momma, can you dig one of the pens out from under the couch so I can write that down?
MK: {In her own little world and not really paying attention} I knocked myself in the face with my car door.
BC: You move the doors yourself.
MK: Yes, I recognize that. Thus, "I knocked myself . . . "
BC: My Momma, one of the few people in the world who smacks herself down to save others the effort.
MK: Haha.
BC: {GASP} You want to replace me! If you give yourself smack-downs, you won't need me!
MK: Bear, I've always been a bit graceless . . . and at least you're cute.
BC: Oh, right. You ARE graceless. You've walked into walls . . . then the couple times you whacked your head on the corner of my cat tree . . . and the times you've speared your head with the corner of the medicine cabinet door . . . and those are just the ones on the top of my head. Head. Haha.
MK: Thanks for the reminders.
BC: No problem. If you have brain damage, I'll still remember. But you don't have to thank me - it's included in your "premium cat" plan.
MK: Fantastic. How kind of you.
BC: Can you dig one of the pens out from under the couch now? I REALLY want to write down what you said earlier! RATS! What DID you say? I really should pay more attention when you're talking . . . but all I hear is "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah . . . "
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! There are nineteen pens under here! I don't even keep that many pens out and I cleaned everything out from under the couch a few days ago!
{Pause}
MK: What the . . . a pen from a car repair place in a state I've never been to? A FUNERAL HOME in a CITY I've never been to, much less for a funeral?!?! And a bank I've never heard of?!?! Where did these pens come from?!?!?
BC: Like I said,"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah . . . "

Bear's "thing" for tasty whole chickens and his thoughts on chicken factories:
*** Started in: TMC ISO TWC {Tenacious Male Cat In Search of Tasty Whole Chicken}. 
*** Continued in: Bear Lobbies For His Christmas List.
*** Additional dialogues:
part 1:
BC: Momma?
{Pause}
BC: MOOOOOOOOOOMMMmmmMMMMAAAAAAAAAAA!
MK: I was sleeping! Are you dying?
BC: Oops. Whatever.
{Pause}
BC: I'm glad you're awake!
MK: What's wrong, Bear?
BC: What's a "security code?"
MK: It's the three digit number . . . WAIT A MINUTE!
BC: Is it like your pin number? No, wait, that's FOUR numbers.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: {narrowing her eyes at Bear} You mean if I go out and look at the computer - the screen won't show you in the middle of buying two whole chickens?
BC: Of course not! Don't be silly! I "compromised" with you to only get one, remember?
MK: BEAR!
BC: Think of all the money you're saving by not getting one for yourself!
MK: No, no, NO, NO, NO! NO CHICKENS!
BC: When you say, "No chickens," does that mean one chicken is okay? Because "chickens" is plural, so technically, one chicken is not defying your order . . .
MK: No chicken! No chickens! No chicks! No eggs! Nothing that says "Bok-Bok" or "Cocka-Doodle-Doo." Nothing that clucks or pecks. Nothing with feathers or that should have feathers. Nothing paid for with my credit card or debit card or on account!
BC: You can buy things on account and pay for them later?
MK: NO!
BC: Boy, are YOU grumpy! You need a nap!
{Silence while Momma glares at Bear}
BC: Oh, crap. I hear my "real" mom calling . . . what's she doing under your bed? . . . where you can't reach me . . . bye-bye!
part 2:
Incident 784: Random hint for Momma that Bear wants a chicken
BC: Knock-knock!
MK: What?
BC: Knock-knock!
MK: Since when do you knock and not just barge in like you own the place?
BC: NOOO. I'm telling you a JOKE!
{Pause}
BC: Knock-knock!
MK: Who's there?
BC: Why did the chicken cross the road?
MK: Those are two separate jokes!
BC: No. Jokes start with "knock-knock." DUH! EVERYBODY knows THAT!
MK: I'll remember that for future reference . . . don't answer the "knock," avoid the joke.
BC: Why did the chicken cross the road?
MK: If the answer is, "To get to our house," you're grounded.
{Pause}
MK: Bear?
{Silence}
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Knock-knock!
MK: I'M NOT HOME!
BC: RATS! I'll have to come back later.
part 3:
BC: Did a package come today?
MK: No. I know you aren't interested in the boxes . . . are you expecting something?
BC: Not really.
MK: Not really?
BC: Well, maybe. If we get a package . . . shaped like . . . err . . . farm fowl . . . I'll take care of it.
MK: BEAR!
BC: What?
MK: So help me . . . if a chicken comes in the mail, I'll put you in that box and send it back to the farm . . . and I'll KEEP the damn chicken.
BC: Whoa! You'll send me to live in the chicken factory? That's like ALL BEAR CAN EAT CHICKEN! Kitty dreams . . . here I come!
MK: Chicken FARM.
BC: Don't be silly . . . everyone knows chickens are made in factories . . . you just want to discourage me!
MK: Okay, Bear.
BC: I think I can handle being stuck in a box for a few hours, if it means I get to live in chicken heaven!
MK: You have NO CLUE how the world works, do you?
BC: Do you think my cat tree will fit in the chicken-shaped box with me?
MK: Exactly.
part 4:
BC: Momma! I had the best dream EVER!
MK: About what?
BC: In my dream, I got a whole chicken for Christmas!
MK: Is that another hint?
BC: NO! Well, it could be. But I REALLY did dream I got a whole chicken for Christmas.
MK: And how'd it go?
BC: The timing was perfect!
MK: Timing?
BC: By the time I got tired of playing with the bow and shredding the wrapping paper, you had a nice chicken dinner ready for me.
MK: And then what happened?
BC: I was too tired to eat, so I passed out.
MK: YOU were tired, but I was the one who killed, plucked, cleaned, and cooked a whole chicken?
BC: You make it sound like it takes a lot of work!
MK: Maybe you could help?
BC: But I can't miss the bow!
MK: But you could miss the chicken?
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Betrayed by my own dream!

Bear's "thing" for bows:
*** First seen in: BEAR'S WISH LIST.
*** Bear's bow party: Bear "Celebrates" Momma's Birthday.

4 comments:

  1. That is all toooooo funny!!! Bear is a pretty smart kitty! You've got to be pretty sharp to stay ahead of his convoluted plans!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know why I even try anymore . . . he is smart . . . TOO smart. He just conned me out of my desk chair by acting like he wanted to play . . . so I got up, grabbed a toy, turned around, and he was settling in to my desk chair for a nap! You'd think I'd get a clue after the 9,747th time. I have a billion stories! He used to stick his paw in the toaster to get my attention since my workstation faced the kitchen (and he'd always check twice to make sure I was watching). But he hasn't touched the toaster since I unplugged it. And his overly dramatic barfing that ONLY happens when I'm sleeping . . .
      I love my boy dearly . . . and even though all of these incidents are frustrating, they're also WHY I love him so much. I named him "Bear" for his huge heart, but it applies to his personality and spirit as well :) In his world, nothing is done halfway.

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  2. And you con order pens, too? MOUSES!

    Not sure if you knew this or not but my late, great brother, Nerissa the Cat, the sterling silver - some say platinum - tabby from whom I inherited my blog, used to have a pen collection. Oh how Nissy loved his pen collection. He kept it under the fridge. But don't tell anybody that! Nissy always wanted to keep his hiding spot a secret.

    Purrs,
    Seville

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. Right after my Momma adopted me, she noticed her pens were disappearing. She also had a 15 year old cat - who never messed with stuff - so she thought she was losing her marbles and just forgetting where she left the pens (which was odd because she's somewhat anal about having pens in certain places around the house and ALWAYS makes sure they get put back where they 'belong'). She was getting really upset and concerned until one day I got my favorite mousie stuck under the loveseat and she tipped it back to perform the mousie rescue and found 19 pens under there. BUSTED! I didn't get in trouble because she was so glad she wasn't losing her mind that she didn't care about the rest. Hehe. Since Kitty wasn't mischievous like me, I got away with a lot of stuff at first (like poaching a huge chicken breast off the kitchen counter), but now my Momma's on to all my schemes. Until I invent new ones . . . like sticking my paw in the toaster after making sure she's watching . . . gets me attention every time (though she unplugged it now, so off to new adventures!). I'm so glad to have another friend to commiserate and share devious plots with. I wish I could have met Nissy, he sounds like a character <3 ~Bear Cat

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