Wednesday, July 8, 2015

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 7

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things: whole chickens, deformed spiders, and our artistic visions. If you missed those extended "conversations" that are deserving of their own blog posts, you can find them: {HERE}, {HERE}, and {HERE}. You can also read Bear's newest solo post {HERE} - it's all about the myriad ways intelligent cats can insult their humans.

See the previous collections of shorter "conversations" {HERE}{HERE}{HERE}{HERE}, {HERE}, and {HERE}.

Here's a sample of the shorter dialogues from the past few weeks (some already posted to Momma Kat's Facebook page):

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

On wet paws:
BC: MommmmmmMA!
MK: What?
BC: My paws are WWWEEEET!
MK: And how did that happen, smarty-cat?
BC: I was standing on the front porch and all of a sudden a wall of water hit me out of no where!
MK: Then why isn't the rest of you wet?
BC: {Bear mumbles unintelligibly}
MK: Did you walk through the puddle of water?
BC: How's that relevant?
MK: Are you just mad because you got your paws wet on purpose and then I didn't pick you up . . . so you didn't get to wipe your muddy paws all over my clothes?
BC: Noooooooo.
MK: And . . .
BC: I hate you!
MK: Well, at least you've stopped whining. You hating me, I can deal with . . . the whining drives me nuts.
BC: HA! Good to know.
MK: Drats!
BC: Hey! That's my word!
MK: You can share words.
BC: Bear DOESN'T share.
MK: Fine. NERTS!
BC: Whatever. Not my problem
. I've got to go clean my paws. Unless your lap is available.
{Bear jumps on Momma's lap, walks around a bit, then jumps back down.}
MK: BEAR!
BC: Not my problem. Bye-bye. {Bear runs away}


On the empty plate:
BC: MomMA! My plate is empty.
MK: I fed you your treat a few minutes ago. If you ate it all, that's it.
BC: You haven't fed me for DAYS! DAYS! Look, there's not one morsel left on my plate. Not one! Woe is me.
MK: Funny, because I remember opening the can of tuna and chicken like 4 minutes ago.
BC: It was tuna and shrimp.
MK: See?!?!?
BC: Drats! Can I have more to make up for the fact that you tricked me?
MK: No.
BC: Quadruple drats!


On celebrating independence:
BC: What is all that noise? Are we being invaded by another state?
MK: No. The United States celebrates our independence from Britain.
BC: Can I have a celebration of my independence from you?
MK: I don't think it works that way . . . I'm pretty sure you were independent from me from the beginning.
BC: I could blow up whole chickens! Then gorge myself on chicken innards. With maybe a side of regurgitation in your bed.
MK: No . . . just no.
BC: And you'd have to buy me a new piece of furniture to shred. What better way to celebrate my independence than to destroy something nice that you own?
MK: Still no.
BC: Party pooper! There aren't any spots left on the furniture we have to fully express my artistic capabilities.
MK: Yet, still no.
BC: No means nothing to me. As an independent cat in the land of Bearsylvania, I hear nothing but "YES!"
MK: No.
BC: Meanie.
MK: You celebrate your independence from me every day.
BC: It means nothing until I can celebrate it to the extent that I want whenever I want.
MK: No.
BC: Independence is not all that it's cracked up to be.
MK: Want snuggles?
BC: Will I still be independent?
MK: Since it's your choice, yes.
BC: I guess we could snuggle. Since you need it so much and you get such joy from petting me, I'll make the sacrifice.
MK: Poor you. So selfless!
BC: I know!


On wearing the pants:

MK: Oh crap!
BC: What's wrong, Momma?
MK: My file dumped all over the place.
BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: Thank you. That really does make me feel better. And I appreciate that you aren't trying to walk away with any of the contents that are spread all over the floor.
BC: Ooooh! Why didn't I think of that?
MK: {in Momma's warning tone} Bear . . . .
BC: Hypothetically, how much trouble would I get in if I either shredded some of the goods or made off with them?
MK: {Momma gives Bear her mean look} I would not appreciate that.
BC: Geez. I was just asking hypothetically. You've got on your grumpy pants today!
MK: No, just my realistic pants.
BC: I wear the pants in this household!
MK: My realistic pants agree.
BC: I like to shred your pants!
MK: True.
BC: Though, pants with a drawstring are my favorite.
MK: Yes, I remember. I'm very familiar with getting out a pair of pants, setting them down, then going back into my closet for a shirt only to come back and have the pants be missing.
BC: My favorite is when I grab the drawstring in my teeth, while you are wearing the pants, and then me dragging you wherever I want.
MK: You forgot the time you accidentally bit my butt trying to get the string attached to the zipper on my back pocket.
BC: NO! I haven't "forgotten," I've willfully not remembered. TRAUMA!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: I wear the pants!
MK: Yes, yes, you do.


On complications:
{Bear sits on the table next to where Momma is working. She picks him up, puts him in her lap and starts petting him, but he starts squirming, bites Momma, and runs away.}
MK: You make everything so complicated! I'm trying to give you attention!
BC: UP YOURS!
MK: {mumbling to herself} Well THAT was loving and respectful.
BC: I can HEAR you!
MK: Whoever decided to get a cat is fired.
BC: YOU'RE FIRED!
MK: It's not my fault you have some weird interplay between an attitude and multiple personalities!
BC: I'm a cat! You're not supposed to understand.
MK: Well at least I succeed in one aspect of cat ownership.
BC: You don't OWN me!
MK: Or not.
BC: Are you going to pay attention to me now?
MK: I'm pretty sure that was what I was doing.
BC: You make everything so complicated. Just pet me already.


On the whole chicken campaign:
{Momma's sleeping}
BC: Momma? Momma? MomMA!
MK: Eh . . . wha . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
BC: MomMA!
MK: Wha?
BC: Oh phew! You're awake.
MK: Sleep . . . me . . . how . . . what?
BC: Can I have a whole chicken?
MK: Chicken? OK. When I wake up, I'll give you some chicken.
BC: It has to be a WHOLE chicken.
MK: Eh . . . no sense in a half . . . umm . . . chick . . . zzzzzzzzzzz.
BC: Can you sign by the "x?"
MK: Wha . . . Can't this . . . er . . . wait?
BC: I'll leave you alone when you sign.
MK: And this is for me feeding you some chicken?
BC: Sure.
MK: Let me read that! You're sitting on the entire paper besides the signature line.
BC: I'm holding the paper down for you so you can sign! You don't trust me?
MK: That's putting it mildly.
{Momma looks at the piece of paper.}
MK: I'm not signing this. Nice try.
BC: RATS! I want a WHOLE chicken!
MK: Good night, Bear.
BC: Chicken hater! This isn't the end of my whole chicken campaign!
MK: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
BC: She's not even scared! I'll make her pay . . . after a little nap. There better be room for me up there! {Bear jumps on the bed and snuggles next to Momma.}
(For more on the whole chicken campaign see {HERE}).

















On the garden:
{Bear runs inside after his daily 30 second outside time}
MK: Did you stay out of the garden?
BC: Obviously!
MK: There's mulch stuck in your whiskers.
BC: I was framed!
MK: Oh?
BC: The garden doesn't want me eating the plants so it framed me . . . so you'd never let me outside again.
MK: Poor you. The whole world is against you!
BC: I know! I'm discriminated against and hated just because I'm so cute! It's a burden! A curse! My cross to bear is so heavy!
MK: So you never went in the garden today?
BC: No. Maybe. What's your definition of "in?"
MK: Did you nibble any of the plants?
BC: The whole world is against me! Oh, woe! {Bear gives Momma his sad look.} Some treats would make me feel better!
MK: I can't imagine you're still hungry after eating the plants.
BC: Hmph! {shooting the dagger look at Momma until he turns tail and stalks away grumpily}.


On Momma’s priorities:
{Bear jumps up on Momma's bed and gives his usual snuggling spot a dirty look}
BC: Hmph! I see my spot is taken.
MK: It's just a bookmark - there's still plenty of room for you to lay on my chest.
BC: I don't like sharing.
MK: Would you like me to move it?
BC: I wouldn't want to interrupt anything. Don't inconvenience yourself for little old me.
{Momma moves the offending item}
MK: Wait! Where are you going? I thought you wanted to snuggle?!?!?
BC: No, not really. I just wanted to make sure your priorities were in order.


On hissing walls:
BC: Momma?
MK: Yes, Bear?
BC: The walls are HISSING at me!!!
MK: What?!?!?
BC: Stand here. Do you feel the air coming out? The walls are HISSING at us!
MK: That's just the air conditioning, Bear. The air comes out to cool the temperature in the house.
BC: It's hostile! Next thing you know, it will suck everything in and try to eat us. OK. Maybe not you. You don't taste as delicious as me.
MK: It's OK, Bear. I've never seen air conditioning vents eat anything.
BC: But they COULD, right?
MK: Oh, Bear. Nothing is going to eat you.
BC: I'm telling you . . . it's looking at me funny. By the time you realize it's got me in its clutches, it will be too late! I can't live with all this hostility! Look! My fur is coming out from stress! Maybe it's already trying to EAT my beautiful fur! I don't give free samples!
MK: No. Your fur is still shedding a bit from your winter coat. The air just blows it. And hostility? Welcome to every day with my furry little terrorist!
BC: Do I know him? I don't think you should tolerate terrorists! WHAT?!?! Why are you LAUGHING?!?! Oh. I'm the exception. I'm cute! And that's why the air vent is going to EAT ME! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: BEAR! TAKE A DEEP BREATH!
BC: NO! IT will hear! Breathing does nothing to prevent the monster from eating me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: Let me know when the show's over.
BC: Is it hot in here? {Bear stretches out in front of the offending air vent} OOOOOH! This feels good!


On Momma’s functionality:
{Momma wakes up from her nap just as Bear comes in to check things out}
BC: Are you alive?
MK: Unfortunately.
BC: So that's a yes?
MK: Yes.
BC: Are all parts of your body functioning?
MK: I believe so. Are you worried something will happen to me or are you using your toys as voodoo dolls again?
BC: Neither.
MK: I love you, Bear. I'm not going to leave you.
BC: No. I was trying to figure out why you haven't given me any treats.
MK: I gave you your treat four hours ago.
BC: I know. I mean more treats.
MK: And how often does that happen?
BC: Not nearly enough! So how about you drag yourself up and remedy the situation immediately?
MK: How about snuggles? They don't have any calories - and are a better way of showing my love since I'm worried about your weight.
BC: MY weight? I see you eating all those Kit Kats!
MK: Oh, Bear.
BC: And you never share! Next time you go for your stash, I'm going to stand in front of it and hiss, "How about snuggles? They don't have any calories! I'm worried about your weight!" Then we'll see how THAT satisfies you!
{Momma reaches out and starts rubbing Bear behind the ears}
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRR . . . RESIST DAMN IT! . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . . . {sigh} One of these days this isn't going to work! I'm going to free myself from the tyranny of your love . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.


On dirtiness and contamination:
{Bear jumps from the floor, to the arm of the couch, then the back. Momma reaches up to pet him. He starts purring then yanks away. He then jumps all the way over Momma on the couch, to the floor.}
MK: What was that about?
BC: My fur is clean.
MK: And touching me is going to sully your beautiful plumage?
BC: Obviously.
MK: You cuddled with me 10 minutes ago!
BC: That was different.
{Momma gets up from the couch and Bear turns around and jumps on the couch - right where Momma was, then curls up and starts cleaning himself.}
MK: I'm speechless.
BC: No. You're definitely talking.
MK: No, I mean I don't even know where to start explaining all the things that are wrong with this picture.
BC: Still talking! And besides, how can any picture with me in it be wrong?
MK: Never mind.
BC: Good. I need a nap. All this dirtiness and contamination exhausts me.


On Momma’s tricks:
MK: Bear, get off the counter!
BC: La-de-da-la-de-la-de-da.
MK: I know you hear me!
BC: Do-de-da-do-da-de-da.
MK: There are treats in your food bowl.
{Bear jumps off immediately and runs to his food bowl}
BC: You tricked me!
MK: I just wanted to be sure you could hear me because you were very convincingly ignoring me.
BC: You tricked me! And you wonder why you can't sleep at night!
MK: I think that has more to do with a wet nose being shoved in my ear all night long.
BC: That's horrible! Do you think it's one of the cats along the RCH (random cat highway)? If you move my paper bag to your room, I'll spy from my flap and we'll nab him! I told you that random cats will try to snuggle up with you if you don't let me "mark" your new sheets!
MK: There's only one random cat in this household.
BC: You mean we're not alone?
MK: Oh, Bear.


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