Saturday, September 3, 2016

"Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 30

Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?

Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. Did you miss any of the daily "conversations" from the last two weeks? These "conversations" (posted below), include all the usual snarky and dramatic randomness on both sides, including the series on Tiger's Pride.

The Sunday Selfies in this cycle, if you missed them: Sunday Selfie #12 and Sunday Selfie #13. Sunday Selfies is a blog hop hosted by our friends, The Cat on My Head; these posts are our entries for that blog hop.
The other posts, not included below, in this two week cycle include:

  • Have you ever found yourself needing attention RIGHT NOW? Some times you are just so hungry, so in need of love, so ... something, that waiting for the service to wake up is unconscionable. Or maybe you suspect your human has kicked the bucket and you just want to make sure he or she is still alive (and you assume he/she will thank you for your concern). Join my club... CASH (Cats Against Sleeping Humans!). You can never have too much CASH!

    Momma takes enough sleeping medication for a herd of elephants and I like to think that my nighttime antics have something to do with that! No sleeping medication is competition for a determined cat. Up the game, my friends. UP. THE. GAME. The crazies? Amateur! In this post, I share my tips and ploys ... so you never find yourself alone and in need in the middle of the night again! Unless you WANT to be of course ... because sometimes we need a break from their annoyingness too! Cats Against Sleeping Humans (Bear post).
  • Are you tired of the lady cats reassuring you that size doesn't matter? Do you find yourself admiring the tails of other mancats? Does it sometimes seem that even the lady cats have more robust tails than you do? Have I got the solution for you! Tiagra .... a Tiger's Pride! You'll wear your tail with pride instead of tucking it between your legs to hide your shortcomings. Never again will somecat snicker as he watches you run away. Oh, NO! Other cats will be struck (literally and figuratively) with your handsome, long, bushy and VIRILE mancat tail! Maximize your stripes, gentlecats! Maximize your stripes! Wear your tail loud and proud (Bear post).

See the previous collections of shorter "conversations," like the ones posted below: Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4Part 5Part 6Part 7Part 8Part 9Part 10Part 11Part 12Part 13Part 14Part 15Part 16Part 17Part 18Part 19Part 20Part 21Part 22Part 23Part 24Part 25Part 26Part 27Part 28Part 28.5Part 29.

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Here's the collection of dialogues from the past two weeks (in order from oldest to most recent):

Tiger's Pride:
BC: PSST!
{Pause}
BC: PSST!
MK: Wha?
BC: MOMMA! PSST!
MK: What do you want, Bear?
BC: Are you awake?
MK: Really, Bear?
BC: Yes, really. ARE YOU AWAKE?
MK: Some cat was clawing my eyelids.
BC: So you ARE awake?
MK: Bear ... I'm TALKING to you ... OF COURSE I'm awake!
BC: Just checking.
MK: WHAT? Do you want loves?
BC: No.
MK: SO THEN WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP?
BC: I feel pretty.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I FEEL PRETTY!
MK: I heard you ... I just ... WHAT?!?!
BC: Don't you think I'm pretty?
MK: Bear ...
BC: {AHEM} ...

I feel pretty, 
Oh, so pretty, 
I feel pretty and witty and bright! 
And I pity 
Any kitty who isn't me tonight. 

I feel charming, 
Oh, so charming 
It's alarming how charming I feel! 
And so pretty 
That I hardly can believe I'm real. 

See the pretty boy in that mirror there: 
Who can that attractive boy be? 
Such a pretty face, 
Such a pretty coat, 
Such a pretty tail, 
Such a pretty me! 

I feel stunning 
And entrancing, 
Feel like running and dancing for joy, 
For I'm loved 
Because I'm a wonderfully pretty boy.
{Silence}
BC: PSST! {whispering} This is when you clap!
{Pause}
BC: Sheesh. A tough crowd tonight.
MK: Did you wake me up just to prance and dance and sing that song?
BC: I wasn't PRANCING. Bear doesn't PRANCE. I'm a boy.
MK: Princess Buttercup?
BC: MALE Princess Buttercup.
MK: You're strange.
BC: HEY! I don't judge you now, do I?
MK: Ummm ... actually, you kind of do.
BC: I ... I ... well ... you ... you eat A LOT of doughnuts!
MK: See?
BC: And that pate you fed me WAS CRAP-AY. Not to mention all the things you do that are stupid but endlessly entertaining ... like when you fell out of your desk chair two times in one week.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Anyway. I'm glad you're awake.
MK: Some cat had something to do with that.
BC: Whatever. The pictures I'd like to send my tortie lady friend are ready.
MK: What do you mean "ready?"
BC: Oh, you know ... just a little cropping and color adjustment.
MK: What?
BC: Here are the pictures I want to send.
[To see the "before" and "after" pictures, scroll down to the end of the conversation]
MK: {choking back laughter} You've got to be kidding me!
{Momma and Bear stare at each other}
MK: You can't be serious.
BC: I assure you I'm as serious as my fangs and claws.
MK: Wait a ... 
BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
MK: You added tail enhancements!
BC: I did not. Much. I mean, I just accentuated my strengths! I bet she'll think my tail is sexy! {AHEM}
MK: Uh oh.
BC: {A-HEM!!!}
I'm too sexy for my tail, 
Too sexy for my tail, 
You can't measure my pounds of sexy on any scale!
{Pause}
BC: Momma? MooooooommmmmmMMMMMMMA! Come watch me in the mirror! Isn't my tail sexy?
MK: I'm going back to sleep.
BC: But ... but ... my tail's sexy! Surely you can give up a few minutes of sleep just to tell me how handsome my tail is!
MK: Bear, that tail in the pictures isn't really your tail.
BC: Is too! Who's tail would it be? It's ATTACHED to me.
MK: Okay. The tail in the pictures doesn't look like your actual tail.
BC: Of course it does! It's a PICTURE. Worth a thousand words. Worth a thousand "sexy"s! Pictures are the truth!
MK: {trying again} You added a bit to the original pictures.
BC: Well, yeah! OBVIOUSLY! Oh, by the way! I need your credit card number.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I need to order Tiger's Pride Tail Enhancement product.
MK: {laughing} No.
BC: SEE! If I could use the product, you wouldn't be able to laugh at my tail!
MK: I'm not laughing AT YOUR TAIL. I'm laughing at ... at ... the ludicrous nature of this conversation.
BC: I'll NEVER get a girlfriend!
MK: Your tail is perfectly sufficient as it is. You can whack things over with it just fine ... you can whack me in the face with it when you're annoyed with me ... it's enough for you to do cat things like jump ...
BC: Sufficient? SUFFICIENT?!?! I don't want SUFFICIENT! Sufficient is vegetables! But that's not enough for YOU! NO! You get doughnuts! Sufficient, MY SEXY TAIL!
MK: Besides, it's not the size of your tail, but how you use it.
BC: Says all the small tailed animals everywhere to make themselves feel better.
MK: Bear, if you came nose to nose with a lady cat, you'd hide under the bed.
BC: What does that have to do with anything? As I'm running away, she can be struck speechless by my incredible tail!
MK: Except that your tail is poofed up at those times anyway ... so it already looks bigger.
BC: No Tiger's Pride?
MK: No.
BC: You ruin my life!
MK: {sigh}. I love you, Bear.
BC: Hmph.
MK: Want to snuggle with me and go back to sleep?
BC: NO! I HATE YOU!
{Pause}
BC: Hmph.
{Pause}
BC: Lick, lick, lick. Licked-y, lick, lick. Hmmm ... lick, lick, liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.
{Bear gets up ... walks in a circle to find the perfect position to lay down ... and cuddles up next to Momma.}
{Momma smiles to herself and drifts off to sleep ...}

The "originals" ...


Bear's versions ...



Excessive handsomeness (Tiger's Pride - part 2):
MK: Do de do ... de do ... {Momma turns around}.
MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: BEAR! Why are you LURKING behind me?
BC: I wasn't LURKING. I was waiting for you to finish in the bathroom!
MK: What can I do for you?
BC: I'll take twenty tasty whole chickens.
MK: This isn't a drive through!
BC: OBVIOUSLY. I don't drive. And you never asked if I want fries with that.
MK: I didn't mean "what can I do for you" literally. Why were you waiting for me?
BC: I wasn't waiting for YOU. I was waiting to use the bathroom mirror.
MK: Oh.
BC: You ***almost*** stepped on me!
MK: You ***almost*** gave me a heart attack!
BC: I did not!
MK: What?!?!?
BC: I kept my claws and my fangs to myself. Even though a reasonable person would say I was justified in attacking you to protect myself. I can still attack your heart if you want.
MK: Bear ... you were sitting behind me SILENTLY. How would I know you were there?
BC: Ummm ... WATCH where you're going?
MK: Bear ... you're four feet shorter than me the way you were sitting and you were less than two feet behind me.
BC: I'll take those tasty whole chickens now.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: You called me short. I need tasty whole chickens to get tallerer.
MK: No. Those tasty whole chickens would make you bigger - but not vertically.
BC: How do you know?
MK: What have you been telling me about the doughnuts?
BC: That's why your pants are ... and your butt is ...
{Pause}
BC: Oh. But that's the TRUTH!
{Pause}
BC: Are you done with the mirror?
MK: I was just washing my hands.
BC: Did I ask WHAT you're doing? NO! I asked ... are you done?
MK: Yes. I find your obsession with the mirror oddly ironic given your first reaction to your reflection in the mirror.
BC: I AM sexy, you know!
MK: You don't remember the mirrored closet doors in the second bedroom?
BC: I have no idea what you're talking about.
MK: It was right after we moved in here ... I was putting together a book case ... you saw yourself in the mirror ...
BC: {sigh} I swooned. Because I'm just THAT handsome. Sometimes even I can't handle it. I see myself ... and THUNK! ... OUT. Slayed by my excessive handsomeness. And my sexy tail.
MK: As I remember it, you jumped when you saw your reflection ... meowed at yourself a few times ... paced back and forth ... and then charged the mirror.
BC: I don't know ...
MK: Then when you hit the mirror, you poofed up like someone had just attacked you and you did the arch-y back dance to each side before charging again.
BC: Liar. I saw an ogre in the mirror. Just remembering it send chills up my spine! You'd poof up too if you saw an ogre standing behind you in the mirror!
MK: HEY! That was ME in the mirror.
BC: Well, yes, I suppose not everyone can be THIS handsome and THIS sexy. I really outdo myself, don't I? You can't blame me for poofing up when I see something scary in the mirror. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: You charged the mirror THREE TIMES Bear. I tried to get you to stop and I finally quit what I was doing to play with you in another room so you'd be distracted and stop trying to knock yourself out.
BC: I have that affect on the ladies. They don't know WHAT hit them.
{Pause}
BC: But what you said never happened. I saw myself and swooned. Just imagine the ladies' reaction with my little extra somethin' somethin' tail!

MK: Your very own Tiagra! Those pictures are vaguely pornographic.
BC: Is it "state the obvious" day? Pictures ARE pornographic.
MK: Photographic.
BC: WHATEVER! Like I can keep track of all your stupid humans' words! The proof is in the gravy.
MK: What?
BC: THE PICTURES!
MK: What's that have to do with gravy?
BC: What DOESN'T have to do with gravy?!?!
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?
MK: I guess.
BC: You humans say that all the time! "The proof is in the gravy."
MK: Pudding.
BC: Mudding.
MK: Jello.
BC: Cello.
MK: Custard.
BC: Flustered.
MK: Good one.
BC: Wood fun.
MK: NO ...
BC: Grow.
MK: No. Bear ...
BC: Grow pair.
MK: That's hilarious coming from you.
{Pause}
MK: Never mind.
BC: Sever behind.
MK: STOP!
BC: FLOP!
{Silence}
BC: Are you done with the mirror?
MK: Knock yourself out.
{Silence}
BC: THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!!! I tell you ... I SWOONED!
{Pause}
BC: RATS!


Unforgivably impugned:
BC: Emergency!!! EMERGENCY! Oh, dear fickle kitty gods! HELP ME!!! Deliver me from this injustice! Save me from this atrocity! In the name of tuna, salmon, and ocean whitefish! A ... A ... ACAT!
MK: {rolling her eyes} A little much, Bear ... don't you think?
BC: I'm not going to survive! I'm DYING and all Momma thinks about is how much! CALL 911! STAT! PFQ! ASA ... ASA ... oh, whatever!
MK: Bear ...
BC: P!
MK: What?
BC: P! ASAP!
MK: I'm sorry I asked. Now what's wrong?
BC: I feel dirty! I feel USED! Fouled! Defiled! Debased! Tainted! Polluted! Corrupted! CONTAMINATED! VIOLATED!
{Pause}
MK: {rolling her eyes} My cat ... the drama princess.
BC: HEY! That's Male Drama Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest to you!
{Pause}
BC: {cleaning himself furiously} I feel dirty because you couldn't keep your filthy phalanges to yourself!



MK: Hey! Smarty cat! You're the one that jumped in my lap.
BC: That doesn't give you the right to touch me!
MK: Why would you jump in my lap if you didn't want to be touched?
BC: Because you're in my desk chair!
MK: What?
BC: I found my chair PURLOINED! I claimed my rightful spot. Your lap just happened to be in the way.
MK: Oh yeah, Mr. Tough Pants? Did you forget these?

BC: Cats have needs too, you know!
MK: Half a rub too much and you're unforgivably impugned!
BC: I demand tasty whole chickens as redress!
MK: Let me get this straight ... I pet you and you feel dirty ... yet if I give you tasty whole chickens, then all is forgiven.
BC: Proper compensation. Pay to play.
MK: There's a word that summarizes this and it rhymes with "chore."
BC: SCORE!
MK: Not quite. I find it interesting that you have no problem rolling around in dirt on the front porch or a pile of dead ants, but you're offended if I touch you. Not to mention your concept of an "emergency" is quite creative.
BC: HEY! Having a food bowl that is 3% empty IS an emergency!
MK: Not quite.
BC: I could miss a meal!
MK: There's another example. You think it's an emergency when it's five minutes before your meal time and I'm not already in the kitchen preparing your wet food treat; then you sit a foot away from me and stare. And if you think I'm ignoring you, you find something to break.

BC: Then there are those emergencies where you're singing or dancing and I have to pray to the kitty gods for relief. Or chew the stereo cords.

BC: One word ... DOUGHNUTS!
MK: These doughnuts feed you! And perhaps some cat who lives in a glass house shouldn't cast the first stone. Especially when he can't miss one day of his junk wet food treat.
BC: It's not JUNK.
MK: I try to feed you fresh meat and you ignore it in favor of cheap canned food!
BC: I like gravy! Gravy makes the world go 'round!!!
MK: Let's see ... you also consider it an emergency when you want to be admired or petted. You have no problem waking me up or meowing mournfully so I'll jump out of the shower because you sound like you're dying! It's always interesting to wake up to this ...

BC: How else am I going to get what I want?
MK: So you stare at me inches from my face?
BC: When I claw your eyelids or stick my wet nose in your ear, you get mad!
MK: Patience isn't your strong suit. Thus everything is an emergency.
BC: Patience is for people who don't know how to get what they want.
{Pause}
BC: Ummmm ...
{Pause}
BC: Patience is for people who are too scared to demand what they want.
{Pause}
BC: Uh oh.
{Pause}
BC: Errr ...
{Pause}
BC: I LOVE YOU, MOMMA!
MK: Uh huh.
BC: Come here and pet me!!!
MK: I thought I had cooties.
BC: Well, not COOTIES, EXACTLY ... more like ... like ... err ... I feel dirty just thinking about it!
MK: And yet, you have no qualms sitting in the desk chair that I usually sit in. Which is probably overrun with my germs.
BC: Well, when you put it THAT way ... {Lick} {lick} {Licked-y} {lick} {lick}.

BC: {looking up} Do you mind?

BC: Now. It's time for my nap. Bye.
MK: That's MY chair!
BC: And yet you're NOT sitting in it.

BC: You're dismissed.
MK: HEY! MY chair!
BC: MROW!

MK: OWW!
BC: Wait! Wait! Before you leave ... pet me!
MK: What?
BC: I need some ear scratches.
MK: You just attacked me!
BC: So?
MK: Never mind. I should know better by now.
BC: I'm a pretty fine feline, aren't I?
MK: One of a kind.
BC: Thank you!

Poor Bear Cat ...


What's a cat's idea of an emergency?



The enforcer:

MK: I love cuddling with you, Bear.
BC: That comes to ... {mumbling} five plus seven equals twelve ... carry the one ... add to four plus four ...You owe me $837,092.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: That'll be approximately ... {mumbling} 837,092 divided by ... PER CHICKEN ... 678,301 tasty whole chickens.
MK: Yes, I get the exorbitant quantity ... but WHY?
BC: There's no such thing as a free cuddle, Momma!
MK: When did you decide this?
BC: When I realized that I was being screwed! You wouldn't work for free either!
MK: I write and manage our blog - and it's work - yet I don't get paid.
BC: You receive compensation in the form of my company. Hmph. I get the raw end of THAT deal too! Pay to play, Momma. PAY. TO. PLAY.

MK: I feed you, and buy you toys, I maintain your litter box, I bought your cat tree ...

MK: Stop STARING at me like that!
BC: FINE! Sitting in loaf position is more comfortable anyway!

MK: {sigh} I meant STOP STARING AT ME! Not a problem with the way you were sitting.
BC: When you pay your tab!
MK: My tab for WHAT?!?!
BC: The last fifteen minutes of your ecstasy in snuggling with the cutest and most handsome mancat in the universe.
MK: Was he here?

MK: STOP THAT!
BC: FINE!

MK: BEAR! STOP STARING AT ME! I don't care whether you're sitting in a loaf position on the floor or sitting up on the floor or sitting on the kitchen table! STOP STARING AT ME!
BC: I'm the enforcer.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I'm enforcing your bill.
MK: What are the charges?
BC: What do you mean?
MK: What's a break down of the charges so I can figure out what I can afford and what I can't?
BC: You mean you don't have $837,092?
MK: Bear, if I had $837,092, WHY would we live like we do?
BC: I thought you were cheap.
MK: {sigh} Okay. So how do you get $837,092?
BC: Now it's $838,402.
MK: WHAT?
BC: Delayed payment charge.
MK: You're just making this up! $1,310 delayed payment charge?
BC: I'm a business-cat! It represents less than one percent interest! I think that's a good deal!
MK: Are you distracting from breaking down the charges because you just made the number up?
BC: I ... umm ... NO!
MK: Okay ...
BC: Well, we cuddled for 14.873 minutes - which rounds up to fifteen.
MK: You came to me!
BC: I advertised the merchandise.
MK: You jumped in my lap and started rubbing your face on my hand!
BC: Enticing advertisement, don't you think? I'm a working cat, you know!
MK: This is ridiculous!
BC: Each minute's base charge is $1,525. So the base charge for the cuddle was $22,875.
MK: {choking on her drink ... with a bit going up her nose} WHAT?!?!
BC: No wonder you can't keep a boyfriend! NOT attractive!
MK: $22,875?
BC: I counted 836 ear rubs during that time ... at $225 per rub ... equals $188,100.
MK: You benefited from the ear rubs!
BC: It's just business, Momma. Supply and demand. I'm the only cuddle bug here.
MK: I'm the only one to pet you here!
{Silence}
BC: Which reminds me ... since you wrapped your arms all the way around me, that would be considered a hug ... so there's a $300,000 charge for that. Oh. Add to that the $25,000 pre-authorization charge.
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: Before I provide services, I calculate an amount you're able to pay ... based on credit and other factors. Then I work backwards to determine a pre-authorized petting time based on your ability to pay. You had fifteen minutes pre-authorized. The pre-authorization charge represents the cost of those calculations and the risk I take in extending you credit.
MK: Your system is severely flawed if you calculated that I could pay $837,092.
BC: Actually, now it's $839,521. Delayed payment.
MK: A couple minutes costs over $2,000?
BC: Time is money, Momma. I'm a working boy.
MK: {sigh} So ... that adds up to ... 25,000 + 22,875 + 188,100 + 300,000 = 535,975. How'd you get $837,092?
BC: Now, it's $840,111.
MK: BEAR! Knock that off! What's the other $301,117 for?
BC: Four belly rubs at $100,000 each.
MK: WHAT? You rolled on your back and wrapped your paws around my wrist and pulled my hand to your belly!
BC: Effective advertising, right? By the way, in case you didn't notice ... there was a special on belly rubs ... buy three, get one free.
MK: {sigh} So what's the last $1,117 for?
BC: Excise tax.
MK: WHAT?!?! 
BC: I'm extra adorable.
MK: Sheesh. I can't afford to snuggle with you anymore.
BC: WHAT?!?!
MK: At these prices, I can't afford you, Bear.
BC: But ... but ... maybe we could work out a payment plan?
MK: Bear, I'll NEVER have $800,000.
BC: Well, technically, it's now $843,561. Plus the finance charge.
MK: Sorry.
BC: But ... but ... I LIKE ear rubs!
MK: Maybe you should reconsider the cost then.
BC: Like what?
MK: Unlimited snuggle privileges in exchange for food, shelter, unlimited love, attention, treats, toys, your cat tree ... lifetime adoration.
BC: But ... but ... that's how it is NOW! My services are valuable!
MK: How about we both just admit we enjoy snuggling with each other and leave it at that?
BC: No tasty whole chickens?
MK: No.
BC: RATS!
MK: I love you, Bug.
BC: If you REALLY loved me, you'd pay me what I'm worth ... $837,092.
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} I love you too, Momma. Can I have some more ear rubs?
MK: Absolutely.
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I GUESS this is better than NOTHING ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Worth $837,092? Yeah. Don't tell Bear.


This isn't the first time Momma's been presented with a ridiculous "bill" by Bear ...



Delayed tail injury:
MK: {talking to herself} Hmmmm ... okay. Next!
{Pause}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: {looking mad as Momma looks down} HEY!

MK: What?
BC: You almost ran over my tail with your desk chair! You could've broken my tail!
MK: You could've jumped out of the way!
BC: You could've watched where you were rolling!
MK: You could've not sat right behind the desk chair.
BC: YOU ... I ... err ... ummm ...
MK: Wait! MY desk chair?
BC: RATS! You know what I meant!
MK: No. What did you mean?
BC: I ... umm ... MY ... YOUR ... umm ... I HATE YOU!
MK: I was behind the wheels of YOUR desk chair?
BC: EXACTLY! And you almost BROKE my TAIL!
MK: Uh huh.
BC: I'd never have a ladycat friend again!
MK: Ummm ... when have you had a ladycat friend EVER?
BC: That's ... err ... IRRELEVANT!
MK: Not really. "Again" implies the circumstance occurred at least once before.
BC: NEGLIGENCE! I could sue you for damages!
MK: What damages?
BC: Loss of use ...
MK: You can use your tail. It wasn't injured. 
BC: RATS!
MK: "Rats" because your tail wasn't injured?
BC: Oh .... PHHT!
{Pause}
BC: I'll sue you for emotional distress!
MK: What emotional distress?
BC: YOU ALMOST BROKE MY TAIL! I'd be a broken mancat!
MK: Key word being ***ALMOST***.
BC: But ... YOU'VE STEPPED ON MY TAIL BEFORE! OOOOOOOOOOH! PIERCING PAIN! A delayed tail injury! {Holding his tail} OWWWWWWWWWWW!
MK: The last time I remember ever putting even a tiny amount of pressure on your tail was over four years ago, Bear. I don't think I've ever actually STEPPED on your tail - putting down my full weight.
BC: That's a technicality!
{Pause}
BC: OWWWWW! MY TAIL! I'm having a delayed tail injury attack! On my broken tail!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: It hurts, Momma! I bet the emotional distress of almost having my tail run over jarred the delayed tail injury!
MK: Okay.
BC: Okay? Does that mean you're going to pay me a bunch of money?
MK: {walking to the closet where she keeps Bear's carrier} No. It means that if you're hurt, I need to take you to the vet.

BC: Uh oh ...
{Pause}
BC: BADA BOOM! My tail miraculously snapped back into place!
MK: Well, if you had a delayed tail injury and emotional distress caused it problems ... we should get it checked out just in case. I wouldn't want it to happen again.
BC: Ummm .... NOPE! ALL BETTER! I can tell. My tail isn't kinked anymore.
MK: Your tail was never kinked!
BC: Only I could tell. Because it FELT kinked!
MK: Bear ...
BC: {GASP} I bet it's the Tiger's Pride!
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Well, you know I've been trying to formulate a tail enhancement product for mancats ... Tiger's Pride ... "Tiagra" colloquially. I bet you almost ran over my tail because it's REALLY longer than it used to be!
MK: I am so, SO, SOOOOO sorry I asked.
BC: I better put a warning on the package about that!
MK: Oh no.
BC: It makes sense. A longer and/or thicker tail would mean more real estate that could get stepped on or otherwise injured.
{Pause}
BC: Momma?
MK: Yes, Bear?
BC: Look at my tail! Does it look longer and fuller to you?
MK: Bear ... you know I don't like talking ...
BC: MooooooommmmMMMA! Just LOOK at my tail! It IS longer! The Tiagra is working!!!
MK: Oh for the love of ...
BC: Don't you think my NOW LONGER tail is sexy?
MK: Bear ...
BC: It is! It TOTALLY is!!! Since you're my Momma, you just don't want to see it!
MK: {in frustration} Even if it IS longer Bear, you still don't have kitten making parts, so what's the difference?
{Silence .... crickets ....}
MK: Uh oh.
{More silence .... more crickets ....}
BC: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE KITTEN MAKING PARTS! I'm a BOY! OF COURSE I have kitten making parts! I'm a boy! Making kittens is what we do!
MK: What are your kitten making parts, Bear?
BC: I DON'T KNOW! I haven't exactly gone LOOKING for them! I just know I have to have them SOMEWHERE!
MK: Well ... actually ...
BC: SHEESH!!! I sit behind your chair ... waiting for you to roll backward so I can get my pay out and finally buy the tasty whole chickens you withhold from me and then I find out I don't have kitten making parts!
{Silence ... crickets ... }
BC: OH, @#$%^*!
MK: Nice.
BC: RATS! Now I'll NEVER get tasty whole chickens!!!

Bear's "Tiagra" aka ... creative photo editing. 



Bear's framed:
MK: La de da ... do de da ... d ...
{CLICK!}
MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{CLATTER}
BC: {snickering} Do it again, Momma! Do it again! That was HILARIOUS!

MK: I'm so glad I provide you with entertainment. 
BC: ENDLESS entertainment.
MK: Great.
BC: {snickering} Hey, Momma! The dishwasher's running! You better go catch it!

MK: That's enough from the peanut gallery.
BC: Hey, Momma! Glasses are for drinking from ... not throwing.
MK: {sigh}. Are you done?
BC: Hey, Momma! {snickering} Why's there water all over the floor?

MK: Hey, Bear! SQUAWK!
BC: Well, I ...
MK: Hey, Bear! Window sills are for sitting ... not falling off of ...
BC: But ... WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
MK: A certain bird ... a certain windowsill ... landing outside ... squawking ... you falling out of the window ... ring a bell?
BC: We don't have any bells!
MK: Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
BC: But we don't live in a glass house! And I've never thrown stones!

MK: Knock knock.
BC: What?
MK: Knock knock.
BC: Who's there?
MK: The pot calling the kettle black.
BC: Why are you talking in riddles?
MK: Why were you laughing at me jumping ten feet when the dishwasher started running ... sending my glass of water flying through the air?
BC: Because it was FUNNY.
MK: And yet I didn't laugh when you fell out of the window when the bird's squawk scared you.
BC: Well, that wasn't funny! That bird was just evil!
{Pause}
BC: Knock knock.
MK: Who's there?
BC: Mean.
MK: Mean who?
BC: MEAN MOMMA!
{Pause}
BC: That sounded better in my head.
MK: Why am I NOT surprised?
BC: Hey! Stop taking pictures of me! I'M not the one that jumped into next week!
{Pause}
BC: Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Hey, Momma! You've got litter on your chin!
MK: And how did that happen?
BC: Because you were laying on the floor with your chin resting on the floor to take pictures of me.
MK: How did the litter get outside of your litter box?
BC: I was framed!
MK: By whom?
BC: How should I know?!?!?! Everyone has it out for me!
MK: Oh?
BC: Yeah! I'm always getting in trouble! Like with the toaster! I was framed!
MK: Bear, YOUR paw was stuck in the toaster. How can you claim it wasn't you?
BC: I never said it wasn't me ... I just got framed.

MK: How?
BC: How should I know?!?!?!
MK: Being framed means someone did something and made it look like you did it. But it was YOUR paw that was stuck in the toaster.
BC: But HOW did my paw get there?
MK: Probably the same way your back paw got stuck in the jar of peanut butter.
BC: GARY AND LARRY!
MK: You forget you made sure I WATCHED as you stuck your paw in the toaster. Because you wanted me to come running, right?
BC: I ... umm ... err ... I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
MK: Knock knock.
BC: You've reached Bear Cat ... I don't like this line of questioning ... BEEP!
MK: Treats!
BC: WHERE?!?!
{Pause}
BC: RATS!



The Boy Returns:
BC: Are you talking to THE BOY?
MK: Shhhhush!
BC: HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who are you talking to?

MK: {into the phone} He ignores me all day long and then the phone rings and I've got cat butt in my face!
BC: It IS handsome cat butt, if I might say so myself!
{Silence as Momma listens}
MK: {into the phone} Yes. He doesn't take no for an answer.
BC: HEY! I'm right here! I can hear you!!!!

MK: {into the phone} Okay. We'll talk later. Bye.
BC: IT'S ABOUT TIME!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

MK: Do you try to be annoying?
BC: Why are you talking to The Boy?
MK: Because I like him.
BC: But he made you cry.
MK: Well, yes. I have issues.
BC: You're telling me!
{Pause}
BC: Umm ... not helping?
MK: I naturally assume that any problem is because I'm not good enough or worth fighting for ... or any of my other self-esteem issues.
BC: You know what would make you good enough?
MK: Uh oh.
BC: TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS!
{Pause}
BC: But he hurt you!
MK: Well ... ummm ... sometimes people make mistakes.
BC: You mean like when you accidentally sprayed the dry spray deodorant in your eyes?
MK: Well ....
BC: Or when you jumped ten feet because the dishwasher started running and frightened you? Or when you fell out of your desk chair TWICE in one week?
MK: Yeah. Thank you for that.
BC: My pleasure.
MK: I'm sure.
BC: So you're still talking to The Boy?

MK: Yes. 
BC: Hmph. You forgive people WAY too easily!
MK: I forgive people AND cats way too easily. Remember when you bit me just because I tried to sit in my desk chair? Or when you ripped up my desk chair just because I was standing there watching?

MK: Or when you broke the glass on the counter? Or one of the million times you stole my desk chair?

BC: Err ... RATS!
{Pause}
BC: What does he have that I don't?!?!? HHHHUUUUUHHHHH?!?!?

MK: Well ...
BC: I give you unlimited cuddles! Sure ... I don't do kisses, but I'm cuddly! I'm cute! AND I let you scoop my litter box!
MK: What?
BC: You get to scoop my litter box.
MK: I'm sorry, Bear ... but why would I enjoy scooping your litter box?
BC: Well, not just ANYONE gets to scoop my litter box! I mean, I work HARD to give you something of quality. We BOND over what's left in my litter box!
MK: I don't even know what to say to that.
BC: You COULD lick my butt for me though ... my real mom would ... do you lick The Boy's butt?
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm super cute too!


MK: He's cute in his own way!
BC: Oh? Does he carry a string around like a teddy bear?
MK: Bear ... that's not cute when you take your string in your litter box!
BC: Does he take his string in his litter box? I don't see you complaining!
MK: He doesn't have a litter box! 
BC: Just because he doesn't have a litter box doesn't mean his poop doesn't stink!
MK: At least, I don't think he's got a litter box.
BC: What do you know about this guy if you don't know whether he has a litter box or not?!?!?
MK: How did we get in this conversation? It feels like a bad trip.
BC: Bad trip? You mean like yesterday when you tripped over your own feet and almost catcaked me?
MK: Bear ... you were sprawled out in the middle of the hall IN THE DARK. I didn't trip over my own feet.
BC: You almost catcaked me!
MK: Maybe you shouldn't lay in the middle of the hall!
BC: Maybe you should watch where you're going!
MK: It was DARK!
BC: I could see!
MK: Then why didn't you move?
BC: You've reached Bear Cat ... I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights against self incrimination ... BEEP!

MK: Bear, cats aren't covered under the Bill Of Rights.
BC: WHAT?!?! {CHOMP}.

MK: OWW! What was that for?
BC: For not including cats in the Bill of Rights!
MK: Bear, it wasn't my decision!
BC: I bite you pretty well, don't I?
MK: What?
BC: I bet The Boy doesn't bite you as well as I can!
MK: I'm sorry, is that supposed to be a BAD THING?
BC: {flicking his tail and walking away} You've reached Bear Cat ... I'm ignoring you ... BEEP!
{Silence for fifteen minutes}
{Phone rings}
MK: {into the phone} Hello?
{Silence as Momma listens}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MK: Oh FOR THE LOVE of delicious doughnuts! {into the phone} Yes. He's back.
{Silence as Momma listens}
MK: Well, yeah. Of course I'm petting him! Why wouldn't I?

BC: YEAH! Take THAT, BOY!
{Silence as Momma listens}
MK: {into the phone} Yeah, I guess that reinforces the behavior. But he's cute! You try to resist.
BC: Yeah! I'm CUTE! And IRRESISTIBLE! Take THAT!
{Pause}
BC: And I'm the one that's here too! I don't see HIM in your lap!
{Pause}
BC: Which reminds me ... I need to poop. BYE!
MK: {into the phone} Yes, you heard that right, he DID just tell us he needs to poop.
{Silence as Momma listens}
MK: {into the phone} No, I have no idea why he feels the need to share that.
BC: Momma? Where's my string? I can't poop without my string! I require company!
{Silence as Momma listens}
MK: {into the phone} Welcome to my life. I just try not to encourage him.
BC: ENCOURAGE ME!! ENCOURAGE ME!
BC: {Seeing the look on Momma's face} Sheesh. You'd think I'm INTERRUPTING something!



They've landed:
BC: Wha?
{Pause}
BC: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAA! Cooool!
{Pause}
BC: What the ...
{Pause}
BC: {running one direction} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

{Pause as Bear's ears perk up and he looks both ways}

BC: {running the other direction} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

{Pause as Bear's ears perk up and he looks both ways}

BC: Momma! MOMMA!!! MoooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmMMMMA! They're after me! They're after me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I have to hide!
MK: {half awake} What? What's going on? IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, BEAR!!! Where are ...

BC: They've landed! I KNEW they were coming for me! THEY'VE LANDED!!!! They want to CATNAP me! {GASP} NO! They want to EAT me! They want to sample my tasty loins! I'm well hidden ... they'll never find me here!
MK: Umm ... Bear ... I hate to break it to you, but your bottom half is sticking out of the paper bag.
BC: RATS!
MK: Bear, calm down ...
BC: Calm down? CALM DOWN?!?!?! THEY are here and you tell me to CALM DOWN!?!?!? THEY want to torture me and you tell me to CALM DOWN?!?!? I have to hide!

MK: Ummm ... Bear ... only your head is hidden this time.
BC: QUADRUPLE RATS!
{Pause}
BC: THEY won't take me alive!
MK: They who?
BC: What do you mean WHO? The ALIENS!
MK: Gary and Larry?
BC: And their spaceship doubles as our dishwasher!!!
MK: Wait, wait ... WHAT?!?!
BC: I heard some funky noises from the dishwasher, so I dragged myself, HALF-AWAKE, I might add ... into the kitchen. Then AS I WAS SITTING THERE, the lights on the door started BLINKING and the door to the dishwasher suddenly started to open slowly. Smoke went all over the place! It was the alien landing! And I watched as they let down the hatch to their spaceship! THEY'RE IN THE DISHWASHER!!!
MK: Wait. So the hatch to their spaceship is the door to the dishwasher?
BC: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?
MK: {sigh} Continue.
BC: That's when I took off and ran for my life. Err ... I mean ran for my life as much as possible within the confines of our house.
MK: Bear, you ran in circles. If the aliens HAD landed, you wouldn't have gotten very far. And the dishwasher wasn't running.
BC: EXACTLY! THEY couldn't use the dishwasher as their landing vessel if it was IN USE!
MK: What's that smell?
BC: I bet it's their filthy disfigured bodies! THEY want to TOUCH me and do horrible UNSPEAKABLE things to me!
{Pause}
BC: ... Oh. Right. I just pooped. My mistake.
MK: That explains the smell.
BC: Like your poop doesn't stink!
MK: No. But at least I could differentiate between the after-effects of pooping and an alien invasion.
BC: Alien invasion ... pooping ... easy to mix up. I hear the voices telling me they're coming for me either way. The aliens want to CATNAP me ... I KNOW it! They want to take me to their grubby, nonsensical planet and do horrible, inhumane experiments on me as a study in superior life forms.
MK: Ummm .... Bear? If aliens had the intelligence for extended space travel and using the dishwasher as a way to infiltrate houses, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't consider a cat a superior life form.
BC: Why not? What are you saying? That they don't want to catnap me?
MK: There's only one cat catnapping around here ...
BC: Speaking of cat naps ... I'm tired.
MK: Imagine that.
BC: I don't have to! I AM tired! Pooping takes it out of a cat!
MK: So exhausting, I'm surprised you managed to get out of the litter box before collapsing into a deep sleep.
BC: It was hard. And the step outside of my litter box is perilous! Not to mention THE VOICES.
MK: What do these "voices" say?
BC: They TAUNT me! They tell me I'm a tasty whole cat that they can't help but want to get their alien hand-like appendages on. They want to TASTE me and savor my lusciousness.
MK: Well, the vet DOES tell me that you definitely aren't missing any meals.
BC: They want to torture me and study my excessive handsomeness to steal its best qualities.
MK: "Excessive handsomeness?"
BC: Who's side are you on?!?!
MK: I was just thinking that maybe if you lost a pound or two, you might be less tantalizing to extraterrestrial life. 
BC: Great! My Momma uses my fears to insult and disparage me! You should be ashamed of being mean to your cute, little, VULNERABLE, defenseless, much lusted after by aliens and ladies alike, sweet kitty cat! The aliens will catnap me and you will wish you listened to me and treated me better!
MK: Hmmm. Maybe I should take them up on that offer of a lifetime supply of doughnuts in exchange for you ...
BC: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
{Pause}
BC: You're kidding, right? MOMMA? MOMMA?!?!?!?!?
{Pause}
BC: I HATE YOU!

The "spaceship."




Raining on Bear's parade:
See Bear's advertisement for Tiagra.


MK: Ummm ... Bear? Can we discuss this advertisement you created for Tiagra?
BC: Pretty cool, isn't it?
MK: I'm confused.
BC: Is that supposed to be news to me?
MK: Bear ...
BC: I just mean that you're human ... and as a cat, I'm a superior being. And you're AWFULLY clueless, even by human standards ...
MK: Right. Yeah, THANKS for that.
BC: Don't mention it.
MK: {sigh} Regardless ... what's a Q.S.?
BC: A medical degree for cats.
MK: What's it stand for?
BC: Quacksalver.
MK: Quack?
BC: You shouldn't quack. You're not a duck. You wouldn't want a cat to get confused and follow the maxim, "If it quacks like a duck, it tastes like a tasty whole duck."
MK: Who says that?
BC: Cats!
MK: Why am I NOT surprised?
BC: Because you're aware of our vast intelligence!
MK: Remember Meow McQuacky-Pants?
BC: What about ...
MK: Quack?
BC: STOP QUACKING! And I thought your regular VOICE was annoying! Sheesh.
MK: NO! What was the meaning of quack when you used it then?
BC: How am I supposed to know what a quack means?!?!?! If you hadn't noticed, I'm not a duck!
MK: {sigh} Great. Maybe you can explain why you're marketing the product toward male cats but warning against pregnancy and nursing?
BC: Well, female cats deserve to have long, luscious, curvaceous ... umm ... hmmm ... ooooh ...
MK: Bear?
BC: WHAT? I'm having a moment!
MK: Female cats?
BC: I like to chase tail.
MK: NO! You were saying female cats deserve long tails too.
BC: Oh. Yes, yes they do. BABY got NO LACK!

I like long tails and I can not lie
You other bro-cats can't deny
When a girl cat walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a long thing in your face ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: What?
MK: Tiagra marketed to males ... pregnancy warning?
BC: I envisioned Tiagra as a unisex toy. Sex ploy? You know what I mean!
MK: No. No. I REALLY don't. 
BC: But of course, males have the most to gain. HEEEEEE-Y!
MK: Oh, my head. Owwww.
BC: Earlier, I whacked you pretty good in the head with my lengthened, toned, and BEEFED UP tail, didn't I?
MK: Not QUITE why I have a headache.
BC: But AT LEAST a contributing factor, right?
MK: {sigh} Sure.
{Pause}
MK: Do cats read?
BC: What does that have to do with anything? Or is that some existential question?
MK: Well, here in the warnings ... it says, "Before using ... read directions, cautions, and warnings carefully. If you do not understand these directions, cautions, and warnings, or cannot read, do not use TIAGRA."
BC: WHAT??! I CAN'T READ!
MK: Exactly.
BC: Oh, so now you're MAKING FUN of my inability to read? If I can't read ... then I can't take Tiagra!!! I'M SCREWED!
MK: Why would you use Tiagra on your face?
BC: Is that an insult?
MK: No! There's another warning that says, "Do not use TIAGRA on any other part of your body ... including your face."
BC: WHAT?!?! My WHISKERS! They're going to fall out! I just know it!
MK: You used it on your whiskers? WHY?!?!?
BC: What do you mean WHY! I wanted to grow my whiskers into a goatee like The Boy!
MK: Oh, no, no. no, no, NO.
BC: Why do you keep telling me NO? You never tell The Boy NO!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: WHAT?! He asks you questions and you almost always say YES! Is it the goatee?
MK: Bear ... {sigh}. Never mind.
{Pause}
MK: Fish or rabbits?
BC: TASSSSSSSSSST-Y.
MK: No. Why would you need a warning against feeding Tiagra to fish or rabbits?
BC: You don't.
MK: And yet there is one.
BC: Oh, are you mocking me because I CAN'T READ again?!?!
MK: Bear ... how did you find these warnings?
BC: I copied and pasted random warnings I found!
MK: That explains a lot.
BC: What's THAT supposed to mean?
MK: Okay, yes. You dictated the beginning of the post to me and I typed it in ... but why did you add the warnings without having me read them to you?
BC: To be OFFICIAL! Medications need WARNINGS! And I didn't think you'd approve!
MK: Bear ... warnings don't mean anything if they don't apply!
BC: Well ...
MK: Since when do cats "drive a car or operate heavy machinery?"
BC: We DON'T! That's what YOU'RE for! We don't WORK!
MK: The commission of a felony?
BC: Why would somecat commission a felony? If we want to cause trouble, we do it ourselves! We don't HIRE someone.
MK: "TIAGRA does not enable the user to fly."
BC: Well, I think THAT'S obvious.
MK: And yet, it's a warning.
BC: You're making fun of me because I can't read! AGAIN!
MK: No ... I'm just trying to figure out where the heck these warnings came from!
BC: I told you!
MK: "TIAGRA was not tested on animals."
BC: That one is true.
MK: Then how do you know it works?
BC: Because I tested it myself! I'm not an ANIMAL ... I'm a CAT!
MK: {sigh} Of course.
BC: Cats are of a higher order. Then humans. Then ANIMALS.
MK: I still can't get over your assertion about tucking one's tail between his legs ... I mean, you've spent half your life with your tail tucked between your legs!
BC: YEAH! Because my tail isn't thick and long!
MK: It doesn't have to do with ... oh ... say FEAR? Of EVERYTHING?
BC: I'm not afraid of EVERYTHING! I school the spiders around here. My micey. My string. And just yesterday, my kitty was begging for mercy!
MK: {sigh} I'm sorry I asked.
BC: Hmph. You humans ... always with inane and never-ending questions!
MK: Well ... when things don't MAKE SENSE ...
BC: Sense? You just want to RAIN ON MY PARADE! I'm going to go sit in front of the bathroom mirror and wait for my whiskers and tail to grow. If my whiskers start falling out ... I'll need help STAT.
MK: But the warnings aren't REAL ... they're just copied and pasted without regard to ... {sigh} ... oh, never mind.
BC: FINALLY! Peace and quiet!

2 comments:

  1. Your tail photos are very photographic. That is one lucky tortie to have such a handsome kitty boy interested in her.

    ReplyDelete