Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Bear vs. Bear

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Bear vs. Bear:
BC: You want to antagonize me? Antagonize me. MAKE MY DAY.

{Pause}
BC: That's IT! I've had enough of you, bear! You poop sucker! You ... you ... spawn of evility!
{Pause}
BC: Wipe that smug smile off your face or I'll do it FOR you, goat sniffer!
{Pause}
BC: I saw that! You WINKED at me, mother-meower. You want a date? Dream on! You're MY b!tch!
{Pause}
BC: Prepare to die!
{Pause}
BC: What? WHAT?!?! I heard that!

{Pause}
BC: Do I look like a pansy? You think I'm afraid to show you who's boss around here?
{Pause}
BC: You want a piece of this? Huh? You want a piece of this? Come get me!
{Pause}
BC: There's only room for ONE Bear in this house ... and I'm it!
{Pause}
BC: My Momma is MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!!! MINE!!!!!!! Bear Cat doesn't share!

{Pause}
BC: If you're one of those intellectual weaklings who believe in "sharing" ... let me tell you ... BEAR CAT DOES NOT SHARE.
{Pause}
BC: There's no where to run. It's just you and me!
{Pause}
BC: I see you quaking in your boots ... err ... fur. You're afraid. And you should be. Because I'm going to beat the stuffing out of you!

{Pause}
BC: I SMELL your fear! Err ... no. I farted. Excuse you.
{Pause}
BC: YEAH! TAKE THAT, BEAR!!! There's more where that came from!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! I saw that! You stuck up your middle claw at me! Prepare to be unstuffed!
{Pause}
BC: MOMMA! MoooooooooMMMMMMMA! The bear looked at me funny!!! He's MOCKING me! I shouldn't have to put up with this kind of disrespect in my own home!
MK: {from the other room} BEAR? What's going on in there?
{Silence}
BC: This isn't going to be quick. I'm going to make it slow and painful. I'm going to unstuff you piece by piece. And if you fight, I'm going to tell my Momma on you!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIII-YAH!
{THUNK!}
BC: Ow.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! You moved the bear!
MK: You were about to destroy him.
BC: EXACTLY!
{Pause}
BC: How rude! You moved him JUST as I was charging and I ran into the wall!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Oh, I get it, bear. You're such a sissy that you require MY Momma to save you! Phht. At least I don't require my Momma to save me!
MK: Ummm ... actually ... I've saved you quite a few times. When you got your paw stuck in the toaster, or your body stuck in the handle of the plastic bag, or your hind leg in the peanut butter ... and any time it storms or you're scared, you hide behind me.
BC: Who asked you?
MK: Bear, the stuffed bear isn't alive.
BC: You're taking his side!
MK: He hasn't done anything to you!
BC: He mocks me! Look at his face!
MK: Bear, his face is always like that.
BC: Then let me rearrange it!
MK: No.
BC: He looks like a bird-brained, dim-witted, imbecile pantywaist.
MK: Just leave the bear alone, Bear.
BC: Yeah, bear! You heard my Momma! Leave me alone!
MK: No, Bear. I was telling YOU to leave HIM alone.
BC: You take his side!
MK: No. There's just no reason for you to fight a stuffed animal.
BC: He's trying to start something!

MK: Says the cat that was circling him and trying to beat the smack out of a stuffed animal.
BC: HEY! Stuffed animals can be dangerous! ESPECIALLY when they try to steal one's Momma.
MK: I'm still here, Bear. 
BC: I saw you cuddling with him! Don't deny it! He was in MY FAVORITE spot!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Hmph. Don't BEAR me!!! Next thing you know, he'll be eating my food and playing with my toys! Or he'll get MY tasty whole chicken! He'll try to steal my favorite tortie! Bear doesn't share. Nope. NOT going to happen!

{Pause as Momma looks around the room}
MK: What the disgusting monkey muffin? 
{Pause}
MK: Bear! Why is your kibble all over the floor? 
BC: I didn’t do it!
MK: Bear, you’re the only living thing here that uses a food bowl and eats kibble. 
BC: I was framed!
MK: By who? And don’t say Gary and Larry! 

BC: Ummm ...
MK: Bear?
BC: You said not to say Gary and Larry! And now you get mad at me for NOT saying Gary and Larry.
MK: {sigh} Okay.
BC: It was Mary and Carrie.
MK: Aliens? 
BC: So you’ve met them?
MK: Bear … 
BC: No, no. I don’t know if they really exist. Gary and Larry might’ve been lying.
MK: The non-existent aliens lie? 
BC: Non-existent aliens lie just like existent aliens!
MK: WHAT? 
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: You spread the kibble all over the room!
MK: Why would I do that? 
BC: To get me in trouble!
MK: You seem perfectly capable of getting in trouble on your own. You don't need my help ... or Gary, Larry, Carrie and Mary.
BC: Well, yeah, but …
MK: And why would I make a mess that I’ll have to clean up? 
BC: That’s EXACTLY what I was wondering!
MK: I’m sure you were. 
BC: You humans … never make any sense!
MK: The crazies after pooping? The grass always being greener on the other side of a closed door? 
BC: Like humans are so perfect!
MK: You don’t see me spreading MY food all over the floor. 
BC: You SHOULD. Especially tuna and tasty whole chickens.
MK: I’ve never eaten a tasty whole chicken. That sounds awfully feathery! 

BC: It sounds TASTY! You should spread your food all over the place.
MK: Then I'd have to kill all the ants.
BC: You eat ants?
MK: No. They come out when food is left out.
BC: What ants?
MK: Exactly.
BC: Huh?
MK: Remember last summer when the ant invaded your food bowl?
BC: No.
MK: Exactly. I had to kill them.
BC: Is that a threat?
MK: NO! Why would ...
BC: On second thought, the teddy bear made this mess. I think he should be grounded. No! Kicked out! We don't need mess-making bears around here!
MK: Says the cat that ...
BC: The bear's getting away! He's getting away!!!
MK: BEAR! Bring him back here!
BC: I'm trying to catch him, Momma!
MK: He's in your mouth you pain in my behind!
BC: Don't worry Momma! I've got the miscreant!
{Pause}
BC: OOF!
MK: Give me the bear.
BC: Hi, Momma.
MK: You really should watch where you're going so you don't run into me.
BC: You try to carry this bear around in your mouth AND see what's in front of you.
MK: Uh huh.
BC: RATS! I was framed! At the last minute of my chase, he turned around and blocked my view! Don't worry, Momma! I'll teach this nefarious degenerate a lesson he can't forget! He was trying to get away! I swear!
MK: Do I really look that stupid?
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: BEAR!
BC: I mean, you kind of DO look that stupid. 
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Hey! If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question!

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40 comments:

  1. Invaders in the house, whether they are stuffed or insect, should always be viewed with suspicion. Well done, Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You showed that other bear who is boss. And about those ants, sometimes they are kind of fun to pounce on.

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  3. Mommas are always supposed to take our side. No matter what.

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  4. It was so very inconsiderate and rude of that there bear to get in your way whilst you were trying to catch her for your peep. Seville's peep made my bears, and they're ever so nice and polite, well I suppose they would be, being Canadian. Purrs, Erin PS, Maybe you could hobble that pretender, a leg off here or a paw there? or do a swap for a tasty chicken?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant! I mean, the bear can't be worth much ... but surely at least a tasty whole chicken or two, right? I mean for ransom of course! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Oh Bear, you should be nice to that stuffed bear. You might even like him or her.But he or she should not try to take your Momma away. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He MIGHT be good for snuggling ... especially if he doesn't talk like my Momma does when we snuggle ;) ~Bear Cat

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  6. You two are funny but you might just have to grin and bear it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Bear we're so sorry you're bein' tortured by dat stuffed bear and made to live with him. Me took care of da last stuffy in our house years ago. Not a one has tried to come in da door since then. Ya' want us to come over and take care of it fur ya'? Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooooh! It's like the kitty mafia! Lean mean stuffie killing machine! ~Bear Cat

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  8. Bear, Amarula shares your philosophy about sharing: A big fat no!

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    Replies
    1. I guess she's lucky that Frodo and Zulu get out their sharing bugs with each other ;) ~Bear Cat

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  9. Remind me never to get into an argument with you.

    Purrs,
    Seville

    PS. Love the fart idea. I've GOT to try that with my fur-sibs. Not with Andy though. Sir Fartsalot would outfart me every time, for sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Outfart!!! That's totally a word and a beautiful one at that!!! Yeah, I'm pretty fierce ... especially when my Momma joins the fray on my behalf ;) ~Bear Cat

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  10. Georrge would have had that bear down hugging it! Ha! Hugs.

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    Replies
    1. My Momma already requires too many hugs! Hold on ... GENIUS! She can give the bear hugs!!! SWEET! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Gee, you might not like life at our house after all. Mommy has a *lot* of stuffies!!! --Your favorite tortie

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    Replies
    1. Erm ... as long as they don't take my place, there shouldn't be a problem. I don't like to share ... except with pretty torties named Mudpie :) ~Bear Cat

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  12. Don't worry, Bear, that stuffed fella has nothing on you. He's just a wannabe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeeeesss. Hmmm ... he's not a bear, he's a copy cat! ~Bear Cat

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  13. That bear is sneaky. We don't trust him. Keep an eye on him, Bear.

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    Replies
    1. I am! The FIRST hint of impropriety and I'll eat him for dinner! ~Bear Cat

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  14. That language was a little harsh for that poor innocent teddy bear- I don't think he is mocking you. :)

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    Replies
    1. One can never be too sure or too safe! I mean, I'm cute and I know how to destroy stuff!!! ~Bear Cat

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  15. We're in your corner rooting for you, Bear with the stripes. 🐈

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  16. Yes, that bear does look kind of shifty, Bear. Be sure to keep an eye on him!

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    Replies
    1. I am! The FIRST hint of impropriety and I'll eat him for dinner! ~Bear Cat

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  17. No bears at our house, Bear!

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  18. Dear Bear,
    The Tribe of Five stands in solidarity with you. Interlopers should not be tolerated...stuffed or otherwise!
    Purrs & Headbonks<
    Tucker, Jasmine, Lily, Alberto & Oliver

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  19. You have your own teddy bear to fight with? We must be underprivileged. :)

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  20. Hmmm, that really appeared to be a one-sided conversation with that bear, Bear. Hope you're not hearing voices.

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    Replies
    1. That's JUST what I need! Another living thing here gabbing away! Sheesh. ~Bear Cat

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