Friday, December 30, 2016

Bolt Cathack

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Bolt Cathack:
{Momma's laying on her stomach in bed}
BC: Prepare TO die! PREPARE to DIE!
MK: So help me, Bear ... if you attack my butt again ...
BC: Get ready to RUMBLE!
MK: BEAR!
BC: Don't worry, Momma. I've got my eye on the bushy creature on the back of your head!
MK: THE WHAT?!?
BC: There is a small fuzzy creature on the back of your head! Don't move! Don't move! I'm going to kill it for you!
MK: What the ... what does it look like?
BC: It's standing up on its hind legs and glaring at me! DON'T MOVE, Momma! DON'T ....
MK: Is it a mouse? I SWEAR! If it bites me ...
BC: Don't panic, Momma. I've got things under control!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
MK: BEAR!
BC: Take THAT! And THIS! Get ready to meet your maker!
MK: Bear, why are you whacky-pawing my ponytail to death? Bear! I'm trying to take a nap before I get back to ...
BC: It FLOUNCED at me!
MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWW! Stop bunny kicking my head, you huge pain in ...
BC: That's it! That't IT!!! I'm going to take care of you once and for all! 
MK: Uh oh.
BC: KOW-A-BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNGA! {PLOP!}
MK: {muffled} Bear!!! Get off my face!
BC: Don't worry, Momma! I'm sitting on the small fuzzy creature! 
MK: {still muffled} BEAR! You plopped down on the back of my head and landed half way on my face since it's turned to the side! GET OFF!
BC: You want me to let it go?
MK: {still muffled} YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! All you're doing is beating the snot out of my ponytail! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
BC: It GROWLED at me!!!
MK: {muffled} NO! That was me! Because I can't ....
{Pause}
MK: Phew!
BC: Don't worry, Momma. It's dead.

MK: Fantastic. Thank you so much for killing my small tuft of hair. 
BC: Are you being sarcastic?
MK: YES!
BC: Hmph. The LEAST you could do is THANK me!

MK: BEAR! All you did was attack my ponytail with your front claws, attack it with your back claws, and then try to suffocate it!
BC: EXACTLY! A little appreciation would suffice!
MK: {turning over} {sigh} Come here, Sugar Puff.
BC: SUGAR PUFF!?! I'm not a sugar puff! I'm a ferocious mancat! I've ... I've ... EATEN things bigger than you!
MK: Good point. You need to go on a diet.
BC: WHAT?!?! 
MK: Come here, SnugBug ...
BC: {GASP} Stop ... stop ...
MK: It's just a term of endearment, Bear.
BC: I'll ENDEAR you! Why can't you call me NORMAL terms of endearment?
MK: Like?
BC: I DON'T KNOW! Honey? Err ... pumpkin? Firecracker? You know, 'cause I'll rip your arm off if you mess with me! But NOOOOOOOO. You have to be all creative and $#!+!

MK: Ummmm ...
BC: Call me PUNCH CHOPPER! No. LOSER BRUISER! BOLT CATHACK! GENERAL ESCOBAR!
MK: Rogue Pooper?
BC: NOW we're talk ... wait a ... are you MOCKING me?
MK: Only a little.
BC: Oh yeah? OH? YEAH? I'm going to open only a little can of whoop @$$ on your @$$!
{The doorbell rings ...}
BC: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 
{Bear runs under the bed}
MK: You have GOT to be ...
BC: I knew they were coming for me! The time is NOW. Don't tell them I'm here, Momma.
MK: {opening the door} It's just a package delivery, Bear!
BC: SHHHHHH! I'm NOT here! AND WHATEVER YOU DO ... DON'T OPEN THE BOX!
MK: It's just a package, BOLT CATHACK!
BC: WHAT?!?! That's a ... a ... someone by the name of BOLT CATHACK will kill me! HE'LL EAT ME!
MK: {sigh} No. You said I should call you that as a term of endear ... {closing the door} never mind.
{Silence}
BC: Is the coast clear?
MK: Bear ....
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! What are you doing?

MK: Holy cat crap, Bear. When did you come out and sneak up behind me? You switch modes WAY TOO ...
BC: {GASP}. NOOOO!

MK: What the ...
BC: {zooming one way across the family room} MOMMA! You're ruining EVERYTHING!!!!
MK: I'm just picking up your toys so I can vacuum ...
BC: {stopping to GASP!!!} You said the V WORD!
MK: Uh oh. 
BC: I'm going to die! I'm going to die! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {Careening off the couch} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! {Bouncing off the wall} My NINE LIVES are OVER! Each one is flashing before my eyes!!!!! {Zooming around the family room like a tasty whole chicken with its ... err ... yeah}.
MK: Did you just poop?
BC: EXCUSE ME? Did YOU just poop?
MK: I'm not the one running around like a crazy pants.
BC: You would if you properly appreciated the perils of the vacuum.
{Pause}
BC: UNHAND those toys!
MK: Bear, I need to vacuum!
BC: That's like saying, "Bear, I need to torture sweet kitty cats!"
MK: But ...
BC: STOP TOUCHING MY TOYS!
MK: What are you ...
BC: You're ruining my SYSTEM!
MK: You have a system with your toys? It just looks like a huge mess!
BC: YES! The ones in this quadrant of the room I don't like. 

BC: The ones in this quadrant I refuse to play with on principle ...


MK: What principle?
BC: Well, some of them you were really really excited to give me ... like the turbo track and the homemade whack-a-mouse game ... the ones you couldn't wait to give me ... yeah. I can't play with them. Then some of the others, I can't play with them because you gave them to me ... like the pen, the straw, and the bow.
MK: I give you ALL your toys!
BC: Well, no, not ...
MK: I see your point. You want to play with the "toys" I don't give you.
BC: EXACTLY! If it's a straw or a pen or a paper bag or a bow ... or anything I'm not SUPPOSED to have, I want to play with it. But GIVE me one of those ... and NOPE, NOT playing with it on principle alone.
MK: Even if it's really fun.
BC: What makes anything FUN is your reaction! Well, except for the toys over here ... these are fun no matter what.

MK: Of course. Pinkie mousie, Bluie mousie, your drumstick from the kitties at 15 and Meowing, the "string" I made you that's "safe" for you, your kickstick ...
{Pause}
MK: And what category are these toys over here?
BC: Eh. Take them or leave them. I mean kitty and teddy and piggy are okay and all ... but I mainly bat them around only when they start it.
MK: How about I put all your toys back in the way they are now? That way everything is in the right place. I wouldn't want to accidentally suck one of your toys up in the vacuum. And the couple times I've tried to vacuum around them it didn't work too well.
BC: Hmph. I GUESS. If you HAVE to vacuum!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... what's today? HOLD ON! You know, it's New Year's Eve, Momma! You should take a load off and go out and enjoy yourself.
MK: I'll just vacuum tomorrow then.
BC: Phht. I'm only thinking of your well-being. You should have a life!
MK: You just want me to not vacuum.
BC: YOU HAVE NO LIFE! You're a young ... err ... young-ish ... err ... oldish woman in your prime ... err ... you're still alive! You should be having fun! Not VACUUMING on New Year's Eve!
MK: You're right! I SHOULD go out and enjoy myself.
BC: WHAT?
MK: Hmmm ... what should I wear? I probably need a shower because I've been cleaning all day ...
BC: WHAT?!?! So I'm not good enough now? You're supposed to want to be with me!!!
MK: You said I should go out!
BC: NO! I said you should have a life! 
MK: Actually you {seeing Bear's face} ... never mind.
BC: A life with the best kitty cat in the whole world!!! Leave me to have a life ... phht!
MK: You mean the world to me. You just want to spend a quiet evening with your Momma.
BC: NO! I want to do the tango with the vacuum! OF COURSE ... err ... 
{Pause}
BC: So no vacuuming?
MK: Cuddles?
BC: Phht! As IF ...
{Pause}
BC: Of course!
MK: I love you, Bug.
BC: I love you, Momma.
{Pause}
BC: Umm ... to REALLY celebrate the New Year and all ... how about some tuna? I hear it's traditional to celebrate New Year's with tuna.
MK: I'll think about it.
BC: RATS!


Featured posts of the day:

40 comments:

  1. That scene sounded a little bit like our house.... PS. I swear cats make more mess than kids sometimes...

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    1. My Momma says I'm a weird combination between a toddler and a teenager. When I was younger, I think she would've actually preferred a toddler (I was always getting into something) ;) ~Bear Cat

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  2. Wait a minute, why didn't we know that it was traditional to celebrate the new year with tuna? We have been missing out! Thanks for letting us know, Bear.

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    1. Shhh. I made that part up. I'll tell you if it worked or not ;) ~Bear Cat

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  3. How can she not be grateful! You SAVED her. Great work, Bear.

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    1. At least SOMEONE appreciates all my hard work! ~Bear Cat

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  4. oGreat save Bear! Now you are ready for the new year!

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  5. MOL...This was a great conversation between the two of you. Sounds like a conversation with a much loved cat. I thought chicky boobies were the traditional way to celebrate New ear's Eve. I don't care for tuna.

    Happy 2017 Bear and Momma


    Shoko

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    1. Thank you! I am much loved ... that is true ... I'm very lucky. ~Bear Cat

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  6. Rogue Pooper - MOL! I think your momma's got your number, Bear! (I'm so behind in reading! I need to play catch up!)

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  7. Bear, you should count your blessings. Most cats would be made to clean their rooms if they looked like that! MOL
    Happy New Year to both you and your Momma!
    Jan & the crew at Wag 'n Woof Pets

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    1. Thank you! I don't clean though ... that's what I have staff for ;) ~Bear Cat

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  8. Aaaaaaaaaaw Bear, you really are a softy at heart. We couldn't 'magine mommy wantin' to go out and have "fun" without us. After all, ho much fun could our mommies pawssibly have without us there? And we're tellin' ya' they'll never find a man who'll luv 'em more than we do. We're glad we met ya'll and can't wait fur another year together. We purray fur a happy, healthy, and purropurrous New Year. And some tasty whole chickens too.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! We're very fortunate to have friends like you ladies ... you understand us. I suspect my Momma was pulling my paw about going out to make me admit that I wanted her to spend the night with me ... she's tricky that way! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Wow! You certainly know how to fling your toys around, and your kick stick... my mum had to look twice! When my mum gets the vacuum out, I go out in the greenhouse and snooze in my plant pot.
    You asked if Eric pounced on me in my post today. Yes he did! He was always pouncing on me and being flattened by 23 pounds is no fun. I used to get my own back by biting his ears and paws.

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    1. Brothers! Still, I bet you miss him like crazy. I mean you get everything and everyone to yourself now, but it's just not the same. ~Bear Cat

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  10. Bear, you are too funny attacking your mom's ponytail. You are a fierce defender!

    I love your sweet New Year's conversation with your mom. I hope you get that tuna!

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    1. Me too! My Momma wasn't laughing at the ponytail bit ... I'm a ferocious hunter you know ;) ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bear, I am like you, if I am SUPPOSED to play with something, I don't want it! Let me have what I am not supposed to have, any day! Love, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

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  12. Mudpie thinks your toy piles look pawsome, Bear! And your comment about Momma's age (that's she's alive) made me blow my coffee out my nose. As I mentioned the other day, she and I are the same age so be careful!

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    1. Believe it or not, my Momma spit out her water when she was proof-reading. Age jokes are just too easy to resist (like her doughnut thing) ;) ~Bear Cat

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  13. Warm wishes for loads of tuna, Bear. Happy vacuuming to your mum. 😇

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    1. My Momma just realized she's screwed if the best she can wish for is happy vacuuming and I get tuna ;) ~Bear Cat

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  14. You are too funny attacking a ponytail :)

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  15. AMARULA: I will share my tuna with you Bear! (ps you so get me! re: comment about Frodo going after Play-Doh and leaving me and my box alone!!)

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    1. If I were a girl ... I'd be a tortie for sure! I should be careful about that because when my Momma took me to the vet for the first time (before bringing me inside ... she had me checked out), the vet was sure I was pregnant. And my stupid Momma had named me "Lily!" HMPH! My boy parts are plenty obvious! ~Bear Cat

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  16. Whoa! You killed the pony on the back of her head and she wasn't even grateful?? TW is waaayyyyyy older than your's. She may NOT be alive anymore. Oh yeah, she still bleeds when I bite her.

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    1. "oh yeah, she still bleeds when I bite her." Spoken like a true cat. That, or all the times we hear our name attached to "NO!" Or "stop that!" Yep. Still alive ;) ~Bear Cat

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  17. Bear you really know how to get out of the V word. Good thing you killed that pony tail, dat might has hurted the moms cuase it mite has been an alien or sumthing going to gobbles her ups... and I thinks you should has tunas fur the mew year.

    Bootsie Woo who am not goods at spellin.

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    1. Good points! If only my Momma appreciated me! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Happy, happy New Year!

    Noodle and crew

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  19. Your toy system makes purrfect sense, Bear! You're looking very handsome today. Happy New year!

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  20. MOL..watch your toys, BearCat, before you know they end up in the vacuum, Granny is an expert at it :D Your face is so talkable...especially that one after the poop...MOL :D Pawkisses for a happy Day to the both of you :) <3

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    1. I have a lot to say!!! I will watch my toys ... ~Bear Cat

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