Monday, February 6, 2017

Tricks, no treats

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Tricks, no treats:
{Momma tosses a new cat toy across the room}
BC: HIIIIIIIII!! Is this for MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?

MK: Looks fun, doesn't it?

BC: Ooooh. I could bat it! And claw it! And bite it! And lick it! And roll all over it! Wait a ... {narrowing his eyes} you didn't answer the question!

MK: It looks fun, doesn't it?
BC: Is this for me?
MK: Yes.
BC: RATS! Now I can't play with it!
MK: Why?
BC: It looks so fun ... {looking sad} but it's for me. How can I have fun with something I'm ALLOWED to have?

MK: It's the same toy either way!!!
BC: Not REALLY the same toy at all!
MK: I swear ... you steal my pens, but I give them to you to play with and you ignore them. Same thing with straws. And bows. You wanted a bow so badly, you RIPPED SEVERAL off wrapped presents ... but I give you one and you act like it's something deposited in your litter box.


BC: This isn't a good day.
MK: Why?
BC: You stocked up on my favorite flavor of wet food and now I can't eat it anymore! This toy that looks so smackable ... now I can't play with it!!! YOU RUIN ALL MY FUN!!!
MK: You just like being contrary.
BC: No, I don't!
MK: You're right. You aren't contrary at all.
BC: Phht. I'm a CAT. My middle name is contrary.
MK: See?
BC: RATS!

Later that day ...
{It's around the time Momma gets the mail}
BC: Outside! I want to go outside!!! So much to do! So much to sniff! So much to roll around in! So much to rub up against!

MK: Hang on a second.
BC: Hang on to what? I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE!!! RIGHT NOW!!! If I don't go outside RIGHT NOW, I'll miss out on EVERYTHING!

MK: Bear, it will all be there in thirty seconds. Let me finish ...
BC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!!

MK: Oh for the love ...
BC: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

MK: Okay, okay ... there you go.
{Bear runs outside}
BC: OH! It's cold! It's cold! My tail! My tail! It's about to freeze off! I have a tail-sicle! POOF, Bear! POOF! Poof the fur! I have to conserve warmth, I have to ...
{Momma comes back from the couple feet she walked to let Bear back inside}
MK: {opening the door} This is ridiculous ...
BC: Hmmm ... my tail is dirty. {Lick, lick, lick ...}.
MK: Are you going inside or not?
BC: Why would I go inside? I'm not going inside. 
MK: It's cold ... remember?
BC: If you're cold, go inside!
MK: I ... YOU ... ARG! I'm going to get the mail.
{Momma walks away ... gets halfway to the mailbox}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's after me! It's after me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPPPPP! MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMAA! It's big! And scary! And scary and big! And big and scary! It's going to eat me, it's going to ...
MK: {back by the front door} BEAR!
BC: Do you see it!?!?! Is it really big? Is it ferocious? Do you see it SALIVATING for my luscious loins? Are you scared of it too? It's CHASING ME! It's anticipating my juicy body!
MK: It's a blowing leaf.
BC: WHAT?!?! It was GROWLING at me, Momma! 
MK: {picking up the leaf} See?
BC: It just LOOKS like a leaf! It's an ALIEN! No! It's a RAVENOUS BEAR alien disguised as a leaf! VERY dangerous.
MK: I have to get the mail, Bear. Do you want to go inside or not?
BC: Why would I go inside? Just make sure you take the ravenous bear alien disguised as a leaf with you.
MK: {sigh}.
{Momma gets the mail and comes back to find Bear in front of the door ...}
BC: {pounding on the door with his paw} Let me in! LET. ME. IN!!! STUPID DOOR! Why aren't you listening to me? You'll pay for this! Well, if I don't get EATEN first! Monsters! I'm surrounded by monsters! I see their ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Oh. Hi, Momma. I was just about to explore ...
MK: INSIDE!
BC: But I'm not done out here!
MK: I don't care. Get that little butt inside!
BC: I'm going to go explore the yard.
MK: You've had plenty of time to do that, Bear.
BC: {running to the side yard where it's dark} Do de do ...
MK: So help me ...
{Momma goes inside for the flashlight and opens the door again to find Bear sitting by the front door}
BC: HIIIII!
{Pause}
BC: BYEEEEE!!!
{Pause as Momma moves to grab Bear faster than he can get away}
BC: WHAT?!?!? PUT ME DOWN!!!! This is wrong!!! OBSCENE! Unscrupulous! VILE! IMPROPER! I want my lawyer!!!
MK: I don't care WHAT synonym you use, Bear. You're going inside.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: Like I've never heard THAT before.
BC: I KNEW you didn't listen to me!!! MROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
MK: OWWWWW!
{Momma closes the door}.
MK: Maybe you should enjoy being outside while you're out there instead of coming up with catastrophes. Like the leaf. You always want the opposite of what you have ... or will have.
BC: EXACTLY! That's the whole fun of going out ....
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: I'm inside now. Where are my treats?

MK: I had to carry you in ... you know you only get treats if I don't have to chase you down.
BC: You CAT-NAPPED me! You brought me inside against my will! I hate ...
{Pause as Bear notices the leaf on the floor by the front door ... where Momma left it when she went to get the flashlight}.
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear runs under the bed}
MK: Welcome to the loony bin.
BC: {from under the bed} You're here too, you know!
MK: Ten years of sharing my life with you ...
BC: HEY! I share my life with YOU.
MK:{sigh}.
BC: You keep TRICKING me! You TRICK me into saying what I don't want to say.
MK: You might not want to say those things, but they're true.
BC: I never said they WEREN'T tr ... RATS! You'll pay for this!
MK: You have to come out from under the bed first.
BC: I HATE YOU!!! This day can't get any worse!
MK: When you come out ... I need to brush your teeth and wash your chin.
BC: RATS! You mean IF I come out.
MK: You'll get hungry at some point.
BC: RATS! My tummy's growling.
MK: So I guess it wasn't the leaf after all.
BC: RATS!!! I've been screwed! Even my own stomach is part of the conspiracy against me!!! I'll get rid of the traitor!
MK: I suppose you wouldn't need a wet food treat anymore then.
BC: RATS!!!!!! Now I know why you don't hand out candy on Halloween!
MK: What's that have to do with anything, Bear?
BC: You're all about the tricks and not treats!
MK: Or I have a cat that hides under the bed any time a person is within fifty feet of our front door.
BC: People OR ravenous bear aliens disguised as leaves!
MK: Sometimes ... I don't even know how to reply.
BC: Having a conversation with a being as intellectually superior as I am must be intimidating.
MK: This from the cat hiding under the bed.
BC: I HATE YOU! Don't you have some kids to trick into your gingerbread house somewhere?
MK: Nah. I have you.
BC: I ... YOU ... YOU!!! ... You should be ashamed of tricking a sweet innocent homeless kitten into your gingerbread house!
MK: I would be ashamed ... if I'd tricked a sweet innocent kitten.
BC: I was talking about ME!!! Wait a ... you're saying I'm not sweet and innocent! I HEAR YOU snickering!!! 
{Silence}
BC: Momma? MOOmmmmMMA??! Ummm ... you didn't leave me alone in here with the ... the ... {whispering} ravenous bear alien disguised as a leaf, did you? MoooooommmMMMMA?!?!?!
{More snickering}.
BC: I HATE YOU!

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38 comments:

  1. My goodness what a conversation ! I admire your mum to have translated it from meow to English !

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    1. When my Momma gets talking, it's hard to get a meow in edge-wise! Or wait ... no, she says that about me! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Oh, Bear ... sometimes a leaf is just a leaf!

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    1. You haven't seen THIS one! It had TEETH!!! Or wait ... my Momma said leaves have teeth ... but they don't go to the dentist do they? ~Bear Cat

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  3. Your mom does that, too, Bear, turns toys into non-toys by gifting them? That's no fun at all!

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    1. I know! And I really like sardines too and now I can eat them anymore!!! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Clearly, you are being tricked. all. the. TIME! We think it's time to bring in the excellent cattorney, Katie Isabella.

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    1. I need a lawyer! You're right! I need to renegotiate my contract ... err, have one in the first place! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Bear, you and Sophie would get along quite well since you both love BOWS so much! She's a bow fanatic!

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  6. qRibbons and bows always get my attention Bear!

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    1. I should throw a party and invite all my bow-loving friends! A Super Bow party?!?! ~Bear Cat

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  7. I know EXACTLY what you mean!!! The stuff you're not supposed to play with is ALWAYS WAY MORE FUN than the stuff peeps want you to play with. That's just the way it goes, I guess. Same thing applies to food. MOUSES!

    Purrs,
    Seville

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    1. I wish my Momma had knitting needles ... those sound fun! ~Bear Cat

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  8. MOL ! We didn't realize yet that given toys were no toys anymore ! It looks like you're tricked very often... Purrs

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  9. Bear, Momma is right...you are very contrary! Have you ever played with a rolled up candy wrapper? Those are your favorite tortie's favorite toy!

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    Replies
    1. Noooooooooooooo. I have not. But I want to try! My Momma switched her Kit Kat habit to a doughnut habit ... but maybe I can convince her to eat a bar or two so I can have a wrapper to play with? ~Bear Cat

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  10. hahaha...MOL Poor Bear never gets a break. I feel for him. He tries and tries but is not a brave guy....just a guy. We appreciate the honesty.

    A very funny conversation...thank you for a needed chuckle.

    Jean and Shoko

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    Replies
    1. Hearing that always makes our day ... thank you :)

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  11. Aw, poor Bear. We get tricked a lot too. Humans never play fair.

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    1. Any time we lose ... they haven't played fair! Just saying :) ~Bear Cat

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  12. Life is tough, buddy. All I can think of is for you to be more like a dog...take it all in stride. It's easier that way. 💗

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    1. If I were more dog-like, I'd be chasing the leaves, right? Yes, I think that is EXACTLY what I will do! ~Bear Cat

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  13. That does take the fun out of something when you are allowed to do it :)

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    Replies
    1. I KNOW! COMPLETELY ruins a good thing! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Bear I have a new motto for you....not treats....I not speak! I love all those colorful bows too
    hgs madi your bff

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  15. Bear Cat, we think you take "contrary" to a whole new level! :)
    ♥ Jan & the crew at Wag 'n Woof Pets

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  16. You get to go outside Bear? MeOW We only get to go outside with our harnesses on, or in da stroller. We have lots of those leaf aliens. We have huge oak trees all 'round us. Hope you get some yummy treats. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. I kind of get to go out. My Momma realized that most of my motivation to go out is to make her chase me. And we live surrounded by a huge retaining wall ... so our vet said it was safe to let me sow my wild oats a bit so Momma wasn't chasing me in circles. It's not as much fun! ~Bear Cat

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  17. Bear! Humans just don't understand what Right Now!! means! Terrible that they actually make cats wait a second or two!

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    1. I KNOW! They're lucky we have nine lives ... otherwise they wouldn't get away with this nonsense! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Hi Bear, I can see a massive marketing opportunity for cat toys here. Anything that isn't now is, so all you have to do is repackage it as "Not cat toy pens" or "Not cat toy bows" and you'll have it made.... Purrs Erin.
    PS. Peep was mumbling something about the Kings new suit of clothes, which sounds great fun to me, specially if they have tassly bits.

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    Replies
    1. SWEET! With your idea, I'll have a tasty whole chicken farm in no time. ~Bear Cat

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