Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Bear Cat's 9.5 theses

MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat

MK: Ummm ... Bear?!? Why are post-its all over the floor? Wait a ... is that a HAMMER and NAILS?!?! Give them to me before some-cat gets hurt.

EM: You stole my post-its!
BC: MY post-its! I'm pretty sure the pad has MY name on them. 

EM: You said that if I found the post-its, you'd share them! I found them ... so you were supposed to share! 
MK: Ellie, why would you let him take off with the post-its if you found them?!?
EM: He said we were out of pens in our house - so we couldn't use them yet - until you bought more. And he promised that he'd keep them safe because he has a bunch of hidden stashes around here that you can't find!
MK: If we're out of pens, it's because they're in Bear's hidden stashes. But we have tons of pens. And I guess he didn't tell you that HE can't find the stashes either?!
BC: Phht. A good hiding place means NO ONE can find the stash. Wait ... did you say TONS of pens?!?!
EM: Then what's the point of having them, if you can't enjoy the contents?
BC: So young ... so naive ... the point is to keep the items AWAY from the humans - depriving them of the things they need.
EM: What does that accomplish?!?!
BC: Showing them who's boss.
MK: Don't listen to him, Ellie. He can't find the stashes because he forgot where they are. 
BC: Like YOU remember where every little thing is around here! And you try to blame it on me! "Bear, sometimes I'm lucky to not lose my mind with your nonsense." I have no idea where you left my nonsense - but I doubt your mind and my nonsense would end up in the same stash.
BC: WHAT?!? Cat got your tongue?!?! Maybe it's in one of my stashes. Hahahahahaha.
EM: No. Sometimes the things you say stun me with their stupidity. Let me have the rest of the post-its!

BC: We're out of pens!
EM: Oh, yeah? What's that between your paws?!? 
EM: Hand them over!
BC: NO. YOU just want them to mark everything around here as yours.
EM: You mean like YOU did?
BC: Well, YEAH. Everything around here DOES belong to me!
MK: Bear, you still haven't told me why all these post-its are on the floor.
BC: Deformation and protestation.
MK: Excuse me?!
BC: I heard you say that this year is the five-hundredth anniversary of the Deformation. I thought I'd honor the occasion. 
MK: "R."
BC: Are what?!
MK: RE-formation. Not DE-formation.
BC: I've just been thinking that I'm a cat that is full of protest.
EM: Full of SOMETHING anyway ...
BC:  If I'm committed to protest, I must be a protestant. 
MK: You're not translating the Bible into cat meows are you?!
BC: Why would I do THAT?!?!
MK: Good point. None of this is even the slightest bit related to the Reformation or the 95 theses.
BC: That's not true! These post-its are the 9.5 theses.

BC: NINE POINT FIVE. I think I know what I'm talking about.
MK: How do you have HALF a thesis?
EM: He's got HALF a brain! Hahahahahaha.
BC: Very funny. Be careful or I'll show YOU who's boss!
MK: Bear, be nice. You only get one sister.
BC: Can I get that in writing?
MK: Excuse me?
BC: When Kitty was alive, you said I only get one sister - her. So she died and I was sure I was in the clear and done with sisters and their nonsense. Then, BOOM! Another sister! I'd like it in writing this time!
MK: Give me the hammer and nails and we'll talk.
BC: I have to nail my theses to a door!
EM: Maybe you could use them to decorate our litter box.
BC: Great thinkers are always mocked for their brave and innovative ways of thinking.
EM: YOU!?! BRAVE?!?! Maybe when you're hiding under the bed!
MK: As I was saying ... whatever you're doing ... not related in the least bit to what happened five hundred years ago. 
BC: I'm standing up against tyranny, oppression, and abuse! Your behavior is unethical and immoral and takes advantage of my innocence. I'm drawing a line in the litter ... I will not be hurt by my faith any longer! 
EM: Hurt by your faith?!?! Or hurt by your stupidity?!?

BC: Shows what you know! You're just a suck-up that tows the party line. You're not concerned with our ultimate justification and salvation. 
EM: JUSTIFICATION!?! You do most of what you do just because you can - with little justification.
BC: Just because you don't UNDERSTAND the justification doesn't mean it's not there! You don't see the oppression and ignorance. How Momma TAKES advantage of her power ... her ability to bend our will.
EM: With you and your attitude, I also see a lot of indulgences of your behavior.
BC: We need MORE indulgences! MORE tolerance! MORE love and understanding!
MK: That proves it ... no relation to Martin Luther's work at all. He argued AGAINST indulgences.
BC: Why would he do that?!?! Cats deserve to be indulged.
MK: As I said ... we're not talking about the same thing AT ALL.
BC: Well, EXCUSE ME, for not being up to speed on the history you humans reinvented.
MK: Oh, for crying ... so what are your points of debate?
BC: DEBATE?!?! There's no DEBATE. I'm right. You're wrong. BAD-A-BOOM!
MK: Okay ... what are your 9.5 points?
BC: I have TWENTY-TWO points. Would you like to meet my little friends?
MK: No, thank you. We're already well acquainted.
BC: I will not put up with being surrounded by impropriety and iniquity.
EM: What are you talking about?
MK: Don't feed the troll.
BC: AHEM ... Out of love for felinity and from the desire to elucidate and honor its virtues, Bear Cat Kat, Master of Feline Arts, intends to dictate and defend the following statements:
  1. Thou shalt not pet me with wet hands.
  2. Thou shalt surrender any spot that I wish to claim as my own, including MY desk chair.
  3. Thou shalt not touch me when I'm on the cat tree.
  4. Thou shalt not kiss me in public.
  5. Thou shalt not be offended when all I hear is "blah, blah, blah, blah."
  6. Thou shalt provide tasty whole chickens.
  7. Thou shalt play with me whenever I want.
  8. Thou shalt pet me whenever I desire it and stop petting me the moment I don't. Sleep is NOT an excuse to not give me ear rubs.
  9. Thou shalt not brush my teeth or clip my claws or wash my chin.
  10. Though shalt not shove me into a tiny carrier and take me to the vet.
  11. Thou shalt not shut me out of any room at any time for any reason.
  12. All friends and "friends" must be properly vetted through me. Disqualifying traits? Baby talk. Dog smells. Not taking my side. Not sharing tasty noms. Other items as I see fit.
  13. Thou shalt admire me as often and for as long as I desire. When I give the signal that I'm done, thou shalt leave me the (BLEEP) alone until the time is such that I require more admiration.
  14. Thou shalt not drag me out of my hiding places to fulfill your nefarious purposes. The rose bush, my cat tree corner and other locations as later declared all count as hiding places.
  15. I belong on the counter.
  16. My food bowl must be overflowing at all times.
  17. Thou shalt not use the evil sucker dog ... that beast on a long leash you affectionately call "Vacuum."
  18. Thou shalt not use tape ... anywhere ... ever.
  19. Your toys, your food, you anything is MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE.
MK: I thought there were 9.5? 
BC: There are.
MK: You listed nineteen.
BC: Exactly.
MK: I don't get it.
BC: And that's MY fault?!?
EM: Theses?!?! More like FECES.
BC: You're a disgrace to feline kind.
EM: Just because I don't destroy things, do things I'm not supposed to do, and out-attitude a thousand teenagers!?!
BC: I know what I want and I make sure that I get what I want.
EM: And how does that work out for you?!

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  1. Drat, I counted 9.2. I must have missed some of the finer points MOL
    Anyways i don't think they are at all unreasonable, though I would have the vet/consultant come to me rather than me go to them.

    Toodle pip and purrs

    1. Humans can't count APPARENTLY. They think they're giving us 20 treats and we only see three! HOW RUDE! ~Bear Cat

  2. Glad that Angel and Chuck cannot see this list, because every point is EXACTLY what they want too!

    1. Bear's keeping it far away from Ellie as well ;)

  3. Yep we think this is a great list. You might even get some of it.

    1. Not all? Because I was REALLY counting on ALL. ~Bear Cat

  4. Bear, you could share the post-its with your sister and make a flag n her tail!

    1. I stay FAR away from the sticky part of the note ... occupational hazard! ~Bear Cat

  5. We gotta hand frum copee N paste heer two day …coz we canna sneek round on line… like we want… sew we R stopping bye ta say…. happee howl o ween…. N heerz ta treetz outta pumpkinz wazoo ♥♥♥

    1. Same to all of you! May the bass terd turkeys stay far, FAR away!

  6. Pawsome list ! And that's just a start, right ? Purrs

  7. Bear, your middle name is accuracy! You definitely know what you want! I hope you don't give the gang here any ideas...our Mama wouldn't know what to do if we each started compiling lists . . . ;p

    the critters in the cottage xo

    1. I imagine it would be tough to keep them all straight! ~Bear Cat

  8. AMARULA: Oh Bear! Oh Bear! When you say things like "Thou shalt admire me as often and for as long as I desire. When I give the signal that I'm done, thou shalt leave me the (BLEEP) alone until the time is such that I require more admiration." it's like we're sharing the same mind!! And don't you worry--no matter how many mancats try to join my harem, you will always be number #1!!

    1. You made my day, Amarula ... as you usually do. ~Bear Cat

  9. Bear, you have a thing about post-its, don't you? You also use some big words for a cat.

    1. Momma says big words don't make my arguments any more valid, but I disagree ;) ~Bear Cat

  10. Bear, what if Momma brought home a tortie? Then we bet you'd be okay with yet another sisfur ;)

    1. No. After Mudpie, no other tortie could measure up. That sounds cliche and stupid - but that's how Momma feels anyway :)

  11. Dad hands out treats like water. Mom is much more careful and deliberate in her treat giving. Be careful how you treat Mama!

    1. They always tell me I bite the hand that feeds me ... and I remind them that they feed me with their RIGHT hands and I bite their LEFT hands. I'm a cat. I have to be right. ~Bear Cat

  12. Bear, I'd like to borrow #17 and nail it to the lady's door! I'll also take #10 too while I'm at it.

    1. Good luck! Hopefully she's more ... AMENABLE to change than my humans are! ~BearCat

  13. Geez Bear, even God only gave us 10 Commandments :)

    1. Some of us have higher standards than others ;) ~Bear Cat

  14. We think that is a great list. Hope some of it works out for you Bear. Have a good rest of the week.

    1. Thank you! I'd like to add a part 2 to the list. ~Bear Cat

  15. WoW! That is quite the number!!!
    I'm glad you told me about the pens...since Marv arrives, ALL of my pens seem to have grown legs and run away. No I shall have to check and see if Marv has a hidden stash!
    Barb (Marv's Mom)

    1. When my Momma adopted me, all her pens went missing. She didn't even think that I could be involved ... she thought she was losing it. She's fairly anal about having pens in certain places around the house and was lost to explain why they weren't there. Until I got a mousie stuck under the love-seat. She found 17 pens (and other assorted detritus). ~Bear Cat

  16. Good luck with all dat Bear. Altho', we were kind'a thinkin' you already got most of dat without those rules??? We know we do. Mommy caters to our every whimper and mew. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    1. I'm pretty lucky too. Don't tell Momma I said that though! ~Bear Cat

  17. We sometimes wonder if Bear Cat is even in the same conversation as everyone else. MOL!

    1. It's not MY fault if people can't follow along! ~Bear Cat

  18. Could you tell our mom about number 10? Please?

    1. Sure! That comes with a bonus pack of post-its! ~Bear Cat

  19. Siblings...always an adventure, isn't it?

    1. It's not my fault if she doesn't survive! ~Bear Cat