Saturday, August 27, 2016

Cats Against Sleeping Humans (Bear post)

Have you ever found yourself needing attention RIGHT NOW? Some times you are just so hungry, so in need of love, so ... something, that waiting for the service to wake up is unconscionable. Or maybe you suspect your human has kicked the bucket and you just want to make sure he or she is still alive (and you assume he/she will thank you for your concern). Join my club... CASH (Cats Against Sleeping Humans!). You can never have too much CASH!

Momma takes enough sleeping medication for a herd of elephants and I like to think that my nighttime antics have something to do with that! No sleeping medication is competition for a determined cat. Up the game, my friends. UP. THE. GAME. The crazies? Amateur! Below, I share my tips and ploys ... so you never find yourself alone and in need in the middle of the night again! Unless you WANT to be of course ... because sometimes we need a break from their annoyingness too! 

ps - You can find a post of conversations about the things I do while Momma sleeps in Bear, While Momma Sleeps.

Bear's ploys for attention ... while Momma sleeps.
  • Barf with all your Momma gave you. If this sounds like your usual yak-fest ... no dice. You must be extra-super dramatic ... you must sound like you're DYING. PAINFULLY. And as much as you might want to climb in bed afterward ... nope. Make her wonder if you're okay ... maybe roll on your back until you look deadish. This is my most effective strategy. I don't use it often ... but it's guaranteed to get my Momma out of bed in five seconds - even from a dead sleep. Bonus points if you manage to choose the farthest spot from the bed where you're positive she can still hear you. Making her get out of bed to check on you makes it nearly impossible for her to fall back asleep. You wouldn't want your person to see a normal hairball while still in bed and then fall back asleep thinking, "I'll take care of it later." Nope. You must get them out of bed. Drawback? Your human probably will be freaked out after jumping out of bed and seeing you look sick, so you probably won't be able to get rid of her for awhile. In other words, this plot isn't the one to use if you only want just a few pets ... but it's best for those times when you want sustained petting or play time. Be prepared for the freaked out human to follow you around for most of the day ... just to make sure you're breathing. On the plus side though, you'll likely get a few extra ear scratches and treats because your human is so happy that you're okay.
  • Walk in circles and meow strangely. Make sure you are on the opposite end of the house and meow the song of your people. Sounding strangled ... sad ... DYING ... and DYING PAINFULLY is always worth a good hop out of bed to check on you. Make her look for you. When the human finally puts in an appearance ... look forlorn ... not quite healthy, but not exactly sick either. We're talking award winning drama here, my feline friends. My favorite follow up? Chasing my Momma back to her bed meanwhile nipping at her heels. The initial meows scare the human to no end ... her seeing you and not being able to immediately ascertain your condition ... and making her run back to bed, feeling the pain of the fang all contribute to her not being able to fall back asleep.
  • Knock stuff in the toilet. I like to admire myself in the bathroom mirror. Whenever I'm up on the bathroom counter, I'm reminded that the shelves above the toilet are RIPE with the tools of my Momma's bathroom routine. A quick stand on my hind legs, with one paw pushed against the outside of the shelves ... and I can clear those shelves with the other paw in less than two minutes. INTO the toilet. With enough practice, the sound of you even JUMPING on the bathroom counter will cause the human to tense at what might come next. Problem? Your human keeps the toilet lid down. Don't fret! While the human won't be AS utterly disgusted to find all the things he needs in the toilet, the things DO make more noise hitting the floor than they would if they fell in the toilet. SCORE. 
  • Run around crazies-like. Crazies. Zoomies. Bouncing off the walls and furniture. Acting like you have a direct line to invading aliens or zombies ... yep. Make sure your human hears things flying so she'll be curious about what the heck you're actually doing. Then when she comes out to check, act like she's interrupting something very important ... and top secret.
  • Play with cords. Those long tail-like things? For some reason, the humans can't help but jump and run when they see us chewing down on them. For best effect, time it so that your person opens her eyes to see you dragging something corded out of the room. Play time! Of course, now my Momma has all the cords taped to the wall with three layers of packing tape. But it was fun while it lasted!
  • Bat your paw around in the space between the wall and the back of the furniture. This is good for its subtlety. Momma didn't realize I was doing this to wake her up until years after I stopped (because she taped over that space between the wall and the furniture). Until then, she thought I was just trying to get at the cords behind the furniture ... very annoying and effective, especially if you choose a space right next to the bed that can't be ignored.
  • Chew the blinds on the bedroom window.  As you can see in the picture below, I've chewed off the ends of the slats. Chew loudly. For maximum effect, bring one of the ends to your human in bed and drop it next to her head ... AND continue to gnaw at it in her ear.
  • Caterwaul. Deep, guttural - the song of our people. The sadder, the more suggestive of painful death, the better. I've done this for HOURS at a time. Of course, it was mainly because one of my friends stopped by outside and we were "talking," but given its effectiveness and how it unsettles Momma, you could use it to wake the human up too.
  • Lick, lick, lick. Yes, the licking of me grooming myself calms my Momma. But use that tongue to lick her face, stick that tongue in her ear or lick her ear? SCORE! Wide awake. My preference though is to stick my wet nose in her ear ... same effect, without the nasty ear stuff. This lick/wet nose stuff works especially well if your person has a cat (and not a dog) because he/she dislikes dog slobber/dog face licking.
  • Bring all your toys into your human's bed. This requires quite a bit of time ... but you've got a good six to eight hours, so you have time. This doesn't so much as wake the human up, but make her question WHY all your toys are there when she wakes up. Bonus points if you bring something you're not supposed to play with and dump it right next to your human. Nothing says "I love you" more than waking up and finding your cat brought your W-2 for taxes into your bed. This particularly makes them paranoid about what you do while they're sleeping. Again, the effect of this strategy is mainly felt in the nights after the event ... because your human will wonder what you're doing, even if you're just sleeping soundly on your cat tree.
  • Jump places you're not allowed to be or that the human is scared of you being. Closets, stack of papers, clothes, etc ... climb, climb, climb. My favorite spot to climb is from the floor of the closet to the top of the shelves .. via this cube of clothes. It just so happens that my Momma can see straight into the closet from her bed ... she hears a rustle ... opens her eyes to find me balancing precariously on top of the stack of clothes. I've also tried to climb the hanging clothes ... but that's a little adventurous, even for me!

  • Stare at your human, a few inches away from her face, until she wakes up. No doubt, she'll jump to find your face in hers. You wouldn't think just staring would wake a human up ... but it's actually pretty effective!
  • Compete in the kitty olympics. Rolling, hopping, jumping, wrestling ... anything that makes noise, shakes the bed, and ensures that the human will occasionally get a cat butt to the face. Not only does it wake her up ... but it's exceedingly fun and a challenge to beat your personal best each night. My personal favorite? When my Momma's laying on her side, I like to walk up and down her body like a balance beam. Of course, I "accidentally" trip just over her face meaning she gets my back claws in her neck and my handsome butt right in her face. When she lays on her back ... I like to use her doughnut-induced excess as a trampoline. Amazingly, that squishiness IS bouncy. When she lays on her stomach, I like to bunny hop around her back. Put the weight on your hind quarters and it will feel like she's being bunny kicked in the back! Of course, the gold medal performance involves a human with a full bladder with the pressure of your body making it so uncomfortable that the human has to get up and run to the bathroom. Accident? Hehehehehehe.
  • Claw eyelids. This is my newest technique. As the human sleeps, run your claws across the eyelid like you're trying to open the eyelid. According to my Momma, this really hurts. But it works!
  • Charge!!! This last bit of advice is from my best friend, Malccy. Find a spot to dig in with your hind legs and propel yourself with everything you have and head butt that human into next week! This doesn't work with my Momma unless I do it repeatedly. But determination and perseverance will win the war.
Now what do you do with the human after he or she is wide awake? Settle down in that warm spot they HAD occupied on the bed and fall into a dead sleep. You worked hard my friend! You deserve a nap of epic proportions. If the human deigns to bother you, give her that stink eye that causes nightmares.

What strategies do you use to wake your human up?

14 comments:

  1. My mean Mommy says humans should start getting even by waking us kitties up while we're getting our beauty sleep! I definitely need to get even for such evil thoughts tonight... --Mudpie

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    1. My Momma says I'm a hypocrite because I get mad at her when she wakes me up. Is a hypocrite a bad thing? I just demand peace and quiet! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Way to go bear, you sure know how to work with your human. Hopefully she will learn, but peeps are slow you know!

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  3. You are a busy boy. Prancie takes the phone off the hook and knocks stuff off the bureau and Phoebe pulls the shade open so the sun shines in our faces.

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    1. More techniques to add to my repertoire! ~Bear Cat

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  4. We're partial to the walking all over mom and dad technique. Oh, and starting a tussle in the middle of the bed is a good one, too! - Gracie and Zoe

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  5. Pixie meows loudly, and Zorro prefers walking over Claire and Momo. And a good wrestling match on the bed is a very good trick to wake humans up. Purrs

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  6. MOL! When Angel Jewel was here, the Mom would wake up from a dead sleep any time she barfed. It was funny to watch, but we felt bad for poor Jewel. I like to wake the Mom up by walking on her and meowing in her ear until she pets me!

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    1. Excellent advice. I should try the meowing in her ear thing! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Wow, that's quite a list you having going there, Bear. My kitties do I'd say about half of that, thankfully not all! Especially thankful for them not doing the toilet one.

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