Friday, January 19, 2018

Bugging out

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{Bear jumps on the table next to where Momma works and just stares at her}
{Momma keeps working}
BC: {AHEM!}

MK: No.
BC: WHAT?! How did you know ...
MK: No.
BC: Why don't you just listen to ...
MK: NO.
BC: You don't even know what I ...
MK: No.
BC: I'll have you know that I'm NOT predictable. I bet you didn't know I'm going to ...
{Bear swipes a paw and Momma ducks backward}
BC: RATS! But just because you can predict my furry fury doesn't mean you know what I want.
MK: So you weren't going to ask for some combination of tasty whole chickens, a chicken cannon, a bazooka, a tank, and your sister?
BC: Wait ... Ummm ... {going through his list in his head} ... I think I forgot the bazooka ... but YES! I DO need the bazooka too. Thanks for reminding me.
MK: Not predictable?
BC: HA! You forgot a pair of pickled penguins and a banana. SEE?! You DON'T know everything!

MK: A banana? As in one?
BC: Well, I figured you had the rest tied up in your nut orchard.
MK: No.
BC: Fruit forest?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Nut grove?
MK: Funny farm?
BC: You said it ... not me!
MK: NO.
BC: RATS! Which part is the deal-breaker? Because a chicken cannon isn't completely necessary ... if that's the hang-up ... it's really just for fun. A tank will do.
MK: You think a chicken cannon is the most obnoxious part of your requests? 
BC: Not REQUESTS. DEMANDS.

MK: This isn't a negotiation.
BC: Well, no. I mean, the tank would be the most obnoxious part ... We'd have to find a way to fuel that sucker! It doesn't run on chickens, you know. That would be a HUGE waste of chickens. Unless they were NON-tasty chickens.
MK: Have you ever met a non-tasty chicken?
BC: Your cooking.
MK: And yet, you always eat it.
BC: Well, not ALWAYS. I mean, when The Boy gives it to me, I ignore it. On principle. But I REALLY want a tank!
EM: {walking into the room} What do you need a tank for? I mean, isn't that over-kill?!? Throwing your weight around would defeat ninety-nine percent of the obstacles.
BC: Phht. The tank is a STATEMENT.

EM: About WHAT? The size of your equipment?
BC: Leave my equipment out of this.
EM: It just seems to me that if you felt secure in your equipment, you wouldn't need a tank to do a fourteen pound cat's job.
BC: Paws off my equipment!
EM: Phht. You WISH my paws were on your equipment.
BC: I DIDN'T ASK YOU! But it makes a statement when you could just WIN over an enemy ... but you well and truly TROUNCE them instead.
EM: I'm familiar with your more is more policy to fighting. I prefer to call it being obnoxious.

BC: Semantics. I call it a statement ... you call it obnoxious. Butt-aye-toe, butt-ah-toe.
EM: Butt-what-o?
BC: The only exception to making a statement is fighting you: you're as big as a tank so it only seems fair to be equally armed.
EM: I'M NOT AS BIG AS A TANK! I'm DELICATE and SWEET! Take it back!
BC: Phht. What are you going to do? Sit on me?
EM: Take it back or I'll MAKE you take it back!
{Pause}
EM: ARG! Stupid BROTHERS. Always mocking one's weight and being stupid. Besides, it's not just your stripes that make your butt look big.
BC: Wait until you meet my tank!
EM: A tank to fight a facial tissue box?!? A tank to fight your teddy bear? You'd start a fight with yourself if you could. But none of them requires a TANK.
BC: What do you know about fighting? You just run from lap to lap for cuddles.
EM: I'm a GOOD cat!
BC: That's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one.
EM: I'm not a moron! YOU'RE a moron!
BC: No. OXY-moron is a phrase that includes contradictory or incongruous words. Like jumbo shrimp.
EM: {looking around} WHERE?!?!
BC: RATS. I forgot that shrimp is your favorite.
EM: Shrimps aren't morons! 
BC: Isn't that why you like them?! You have nothing to lose by eating dumb animals because you're ALREADY dumb?!

EM: Shut up!
BC: NO! YOU shut up!
MK: That's IT! BOTH of you knock it off!!!
EM: But I'm not doing any ...
BC: Knock it off? What? WHERE?!?! I'm the EXPERT in knocking stuff off of stuff!
MK: Bear, go bug your father. He's done working.
BC: My who?
MK: The dude you laid on top of last night.
The Boy: {from the other room} NO, THANK YOU!!!!
BC: I'm being banished to spend time with HIM while Ellie gets to stay out here with you?

MK: I don't care who goes where ... but I have work to do.
BC: Ellie will go.
EM: NO! YOU'LL go!
BC: Will not!
EM: Will too!
BC: I'm my Momma's handsome boy!
EM: I'm her precious princess!
MK: STOP! Both of you! Go annoy The Boy!
BC: {shrugging his shoulders} Okay. Six of one ... half cousins of another.

EM: That's NOT the way ...
MK: GO!!!!
BC: Sheesh! What's HER prob ...
EM: YOU! YOU'RE her problem! I wouldn't be kicked out of Momma's office if it weren't for YOUR nonsense.
BC: Shut up, SMELLIE NEIGH!
MK: {sigh}.
{Ellie and Bear walk away}
The Boy: {from the other room} What's going on?
EM and BC at the same time: Nothing!
The Boy: Wait a ...
BC: DIE!
EM: Bite me!
BC: Okay!
EM: OWW!
The Boy: HEY! Knock it off! 
BC: That's IT! I've had ...

EM: MROW!
The Boy: HEY! MY keyboard isn't a wrestling ...
BC: HISSSSSSSSSSSS!
EM: Mrow mrow MROOOW!
The Boy: Watch out! No no!! ... You're getting really close to the pow ...
{Pause}
The Boy: {to himself} ... power button.
BC: Look at my tail?!?! Isn't it sexy?
EM: No.
BC: I wasn't asking you!
EM: So?
BC: Women are supposed to be seen and not heard! Right, Dumbnuts?
The Boy: I NEVER said that!
BC: Pet me.
The Boy: Excuse me? How do you go from "DIE!" to "pet me" in the space of a few seconds?
BC: I'm complex.
EM: That's one word for it ...
BC: Pet me.
The Boy: I thought you didn't like me.
BC: I don't.
The Boy: Then why should I pet you?
BC: Because I said so!

The Boy: {petting Bear} I'm not so bad, am ...
BC: YES!
The Boy: You cuddle with ...
BC: Nope.
The Boy: But ...
BC: You stopped petting me!

The Boy: How's this?
BC: Hmph. Just don't expect me to ... I'm not going to ... PURRRRR ... RATS! No ... PURR ... for you! Nope! Not going to ... PURRRRRRRRRRRR.
The Boy: See? Can't quite control your purr, can you?
BC: Shut ... PURR ... up.
The Boy: I ...
BC: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
The Boy: Wait a ...
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
The Boy: But ...
BC: HISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
The Boy: HEY!
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. HWACK! HWACK! PUUUUUURR ... HWACK ... HHHHHHHHHHHHWARCK!
The Boy: That's my mouse!
EM: Barf ... the gift that keeps on giving. Better your mouse than mine! Hahahaha.
{Bear is silent and The Boy notices steam coming out of Bear's ears}
The Boy: Not AGAIN! Honey?!? Your cat's broken! 
{Silence and more steam}
The Boy: Uh oh! TAKE COVER!
EM: Phht. I TOLD you he'd fight with himself if he could!
The Boy: It's like a short circuit of some ...
{Bear bites The Boy}
The Boy: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
BC: I'm the shark!

The Boy: You like when I give you ...
BC: {CHOMP!}
The Boy: OWW! You turn off the power to my computer ... and ...
BC: Technically speaking, SMELLIE did that.
EM: No, I didn't!
BC: YES. You DID.
EM: Oh, SHUT UP!
BC: NO! YOU shut up!
The Boy: {leaving the room} Thank goodness I'm done with work. You two can kill each other in here for all I care.
EM: {running after The Boy} WAIT, Daddy!! WAIT FOR ME! I want to sit on your lap! I've been waiting FOREVER for you to be done with work!
BC: BARF!
The Boy: You ALREADY did that! On my mouse! THANK YOU very much.
EM: {looking at The Boy's lap} I love you, Daddy. I would never barf on your mouse.
The Boy: Ellie's a good girl! 
{Ellie jumps on The Boy's lap}
EM: PET ME! PET ME!
The Boy: Ellie's a good girl! Yes, HER IS!

{Ellie purrs on The Boy's lap for forty-five minutes}
The Boy: Okay. That's enough. Go bug your Momma. She owes me from earlier ...
EM: But ... but ... she's not YOU!

{Ellie jumps on the table next to where Momma works and stares at her}
MK: You learned that from Bear, didn't you?
EM: PET ME! PET ME, Momma!
MK: You spend the evening running from lap to lap, don't you?
BC: {from the other room} BARF!
EM: I love my Mommy and Daddy!
BC: {from the other room} QUADRUPLE BARF!

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56 comments:

  1. Bear, I'm sorry your big plans got tanked pal!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. {GROAN}. At least your jokes are funnier than my Momma's! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Tanks for making me laugh. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our pleasure :) "Tanks for making ..." {GROAN}. At least your jokes are funnier than my Momma's! ~Bear Cat

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  3. Typical of humans not to bring anything to the negotiating table. Maybe you need to lower the hurdle for them and maybe barter in something they can use or not do without?
    Or you could strike a deal with one and then barter it against the other. Be a broker as it wear. Get paid in tasty chickens or your moms chicken?
    The power to succeed is in your paws, Bear, and possibly teeth too, Mol
    Toodle pips and purrs
    ERin

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  4. We'd ask if there was any chance of both of you sharing your Daddy but we know that would start a whole new argument over how much half of your Daddy each of you get. So, we'll leave you with this: Once, our sister angel Zooot wanted nothing more than a llama. Really. On our local TV channels a commercial used to run day and night about a local llama farm and angel Zooot would stop whatever she was doing to rush over and look longingly at all the llamas on TV. She even had Mom halfway convinced the llama could use a litterbox. Sure, the clopping up and down the stairs at all hours would be annoying, and the amount of litterbox scooping would be quadrupled, and the whole figuring out how to train a llama to eat from her own SureFlap automatic feeder, but it's not everyday you hear about a cat with her own llama. Then, we discovered some llamas don't even like kitties. You probably know about this already. It's the alpacas who like kitties, not the llamas. But did angel Zooot listen, or even care? Nope. And there you have it. How is this related to you, BC, demanding a tank? Think of the maintenance, man! It's a deal breaker every time. Don't think for a minute your Daddy is going to scoop the poop from a tank. Nopers, don't think that's gonna happen. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But tanks don't USE litter boxes! Problem solved, right? You can't control a llama ... but you CAN control a tank! Well ... MOST of the time anyway! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Dear Bear Cat,
    My goodness, I saw my life in front of my eyes when I read your post. Our female human has the audacity to think she knows what I'm thinking too when I sit on her desk and stare at her. And that keyboard thing. why in the heck do they put it there if they don't want us to sit on it. And as far as I'm concerned that screen thing is just a tool to take the human's attention away from us.

    Thank you for being the spokespurrson for so many felines!
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Alberto

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  6. Umm Bear, can I be personal and ask, whatever were you doing with Ellie in that first photo of you both together!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not allowed to talk about it. Momma says it's bragging. ~Bear Cat

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  7. Girls always come off looking good, don't they??

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  8. Ellie, you're such a big sweetie! Bear, got a laugh from Memories of Eric and Flynn's comment. Hmmmm.

    Bear, those three or four close-up pictures of your face are really, really good!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Momma's so insecure about her photography - and doesn't have an eye for photography ... so we love hearing that!

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  9. AMARULA: Broken!! As if! They will never understand us felines Bear--and you are right about mom's they suck and should have no business going and airing our dirty laundry!! PS I am sure there is a reasonable explanation for that photo I saw of you snoozing on the boy--right?!!

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    Replies
    1. Err ... I was paid in tasty whole chickens? ~Bear Cat

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  10. I want a tank too! Boy, could I capture everyone's attention. Bear Cat, you are one good lookin' hunk.

    Shoko and kali

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    Replies
    1. If I ever get a tank ... I'll come by and give you a ride! ~Bear Cat

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  11. I want a tank AND a Bazooka! Oh yeah! A Chicken cannon! I saw one of those on Air Farce the other day! Can you imagine! A Cannon that shoots chicken!?! I would so want one shoot into MY mouth!
    Purrs
    Marv

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I would so want one shoot into MY mouth!"
      Why didn't my Momma think of that joke?!?! Phht! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. Cute post and adorable cat. Do you know how I can get a Blogger OpenID without creating a blog? I have a WordPress OpenID but because I started my blog after January 2,2016 WordPress doesn't support OpenID's after that date. They got rid of that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have absolutely no clue. Maybe you just need a google e-mail account?!?!

      Delete
  13. When will you learn, Bear? Winning against the fairer sex ain't gonna happen. Just check with Sam. Elsa bamboozles him every. single. time.

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  14. Bear, you've still got "equipment"? Don't get that get around. Hey, I've got a tank to sell you. Go around the back and we can negotiate. It's one of the most popular pins on my Pinterest page.

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    Replies
    1. I mean, I have my equipment ... but not my kitten-making EQUIPMENT ;) I can't refuse a stunning girl, CK! ~Bear Cat

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  15. I have seen cardboard cat scratchers shaped like tanks, maybe your momma could get you one. :)

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    Replies
    1. Do they fire?!? Asking for a friend of course! ~Bear Cat

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  16. We're sorry everything didn't go as you planned, Bear, MOL ! Purrs

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    Replies
    1. It never does ... when humans are involved! ~Bear Cat

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  17. Bear, we just don't understand why Momma Kat refuses to get you a bazooka, or a tank!

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    Replies
    1. I know, right?!? She acts like it'd be DANGEROUS or something! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  18. No cannon? No tank? NO NOTHIN'? Of all the moused-up... MOUSES!

    But where were we on the shrimp situation? purrs

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    Replies
    1. And I hear the weasel syndicate is getting closer too! ~Bear Cat

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  19. If I had a tank, I could tank my sister Jo Jo! Or my brother Kozmo, but I would really want to tank Cinnamon!
    Mom says I should give tanks that they don't know that!
    Purrsonally, I'd Tank her!
    Purrs
    Marv

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  20. Psst Bear - I think Ellie may have won this round, but don't worry you will win next time - you just might need a bigger tank.

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    Replies
    1. I don't think it's the size of my TANK that's the problem ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  21. Bear, you are soooo complex! If you do get a tank (and I'm not saying you should, although I am picturing photos of you in one of those cardboard ones), don't barf in it. :)

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  22. Whoa Bear, Ellie sure did zing you by calling out the size of your equipment!!!

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    Replies
    1. She doesn't even KNOW the size of my equipment! ~Bear Cat

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  23. Well Bear, keeping a list of your demands and repeating them often might be in order since humans so easily forget the important stuffs which your humans evidently do daily! How difficult could it be to find and deliver a tank and bazooka?!! ;p

    Can we mention how pretty Ellie Mae is becoming now that she is loved and well cared for? Her coats and eyes look very healthy and beeuuutifull! :)


    the critters in the cottage xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. {blushing} Thank you! ~Ellie Mae
      I should write my demands all over the wall. HMPH. Show THEM! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  24. Oh Bear, you just have such a rough life. NOT!!! You had better be nice to all those peeps and the other cat in your house. You all have a great day.

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    Replies
    1. They all pick on me! Okay, okay ... I can't even say that with a straight face! ~Bear Cat

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  25. We just wonder how the humans ever get any work done around there! :)

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  26. Aaaaaaaaaaaw Ya'll are such cuties. We mean, you're very handsum Bear, and Ellie, you be just bootyful. Sharin' is carin', ya' know. Mommy says it all the time. We're not sure who she's tryin' to convince, but she makes us do it. It must be really nice that your mommy works from home. She's there all the time to give you luvvin'. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's great to have Momma home all the time ... except when a cat wants a bit of privacy ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  27. Hmm... I don't think I've tried "barfing" on the computer mousie, Bear. Is that a new technique to optimizing computers in addition to sitting on them? Mom's computer got a "toon up" at the computer doctor last week, but I don't thing he new what he was doing. Tee hee hee! -Valentine (& Mom) of Noir Kitty Mews

    ReplyDelete