Monday, December 5, 2016

Letters to Santa, part 2

[NOTE FROM MOMMA: Many of the pictures and words have links to related posts if the pictures or phrases sound interesting and you want to know more about the story.]

Dear Santa,

I was disheartened and discouraged by your reply to my last letter {Letters to Santa}.

First of all, what kind of sicko are you that you check out my Momma's butt? Because for you to know it's not big, you'd have to look at it. Perhaps you've learned your lesson by now. I'm traumatized by the view daily and I can't imagine anyone CHOOSING to see that. 

Though now I understand why I got coal last Christmas. My Momma's butt is like the sun ... you stare at it too long and you'll go blind. Which is why you accidentally left me coal last year and not catnip. I'm sure if you could still see, I would've gotten the present meant for me. Though you said you read my blog ... how does that work if you can't see? Because I'm thinking I'm not nearly as bad as the elves portray me if they read to you from my blog. You just can't trust elves these days; I bet they tell you all kinds of stories because everyone knows elves hate cats. The stories they tell you that are purportedly from my blog? NEVER happened! Nope. I never did a post on Momma shaming. I don't hog the desk chair [The beginning of the desk chair wars in Chair + Towel + Cat = Tons of Pictures; the next series on the desk chair wars in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 12 (On the desk chair wars, parts 1-3); and the most recent updates to the desk chair saga in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 23 ("On sharing selfishness"), "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 24 ("On MOO!"), Loud, proud ... and blunt,1.14876 secondsWhat's wrong with this picture?Iz speako nodo engleeeshBetter in my headWHEE!The custody "arrangement," The re-debut"I do what I want," Share ... NOT in the feline dictionary, and Let's talk reindeer.]. All LIES! The elves are just trying to make me look bad and take advantage of your misfortune in terms of not being able to see.

Secondly, your reply made me think you doubted I wrote the letter to you from my Momm ... err ... RATS! {Frantic pawing at the space where the key should be ...}. I KNEW I shouldn't have popped off the backspace key on the laptop. Though that's my Momma's fault. I can't use the desktop anymore because she password protected it since I was trolling our readers. So I had to use the laptop since she forgot to do the same with it ... and now no backspace key! I can't go up and ask Momma, "Hey. I was sitting by the laptop and all of a sudden the backspace key flew off in a blaze of glory and went underneath the couch! You should rescue it before it dies of loneliness." On second thought ... I'm going to try that. Hold on ...

Did I mention my Momma's mean? I really don't understand why she doesn't believe me. I'm sure keys pop off by themselves all the time. Just because she hasn't seen one, doesn't mean it doesn't happen! Momma has a serious attitude problem! Sheesh. You pop off a few keys ONE ... err ... hundred times ... and you're branded as a key popper for life!

By the way, I haven't ACTUALLY bitten the hand that feeds me. Momma is right-handed and feeds me with her right hand. All the pictures you showed as proof had me biting her LEFT hand. 


So no, I haven't bitten the hand that feeds me. And I should get extra credit for that, because sometimes (like when she's "singing" or "dancing") she truly deserves it! But I suppose if you've been staring at her butt, you might not be able to SEE the pictures anymore. Good elves (like good Mommas) are so hard to find.

Speaking of good Mommas ... mine is essentially good. She's seen the worst of humanity and yet she refuses to join them like so many people who witness similar things do. She refuses to give up her belief in love and the essential goodness of humanity ... no matter how many times she's been hurt. She doesn't take anything for granted. Even more, she doesn't love half-heartedly. She loves others completely ... just the way they are. For example, my Momma loves me no matter how many times I bite her ... no matter that all our cords have to be taped to the wall so that I can't chew them, no matter that I find it fun to stick my paw in the toaster ... no matter how many times I knock all the stuff on the shelves above the toilet into the toilet. She doesn't get mad. She just loves me. I mean, sometimes that love is annoying ... like when I'm napping and she can't resist taking a thousand pictures of me because I'm just so cute. 



But I'm thinking that if I ask you for a human that can love her as much as she loves everyone else, she won't do either of those things to him. Then again, it would be entertaining to see her holding down a grown man and brushing his teeth. I'd sell admission and have my tasty whole chicken farm in no time! Momma's had a bit of a tough year and is feeling especially unlovable and unwantable at the moment. She started the year kicking ass and was doing things she was sure she couldn't (like going to the BlogPaws Conference) ... and now she's just sad all the time. She's given up on anyone sticking around or loving her - just completely quit. She says she knows better now. @#$%^! boys! Except for me. I'm cute. 

Anyway, so my Momma deserves something extra special this year. I'd ask for a guy to show her she's lovable and worthwhile ... to love her as much as she loves everyone else, but I get the impression you don't deal in people. If you did, I'd surely have gotten my silent pair of thumbs by now. I love my Momma ... but she talks an awful lot. Can't live with all the talking ... can't live without her thumbs. But back to you bringing Momma a special guy ... I can't even imagine the bad press you'd get from a big guy in a red suit chasing some poor dude down, your elves holding him down long enough to put him in a box and tie a bow around him, and then BOOM! Strange dude under our Christmas tree on Christmas morning. If my Momma found a strange PISSED OFF dude under the Christmas tree, I'm thinking she'd call the police. No matter how gorgeously wrapped he is. Wait a ... you know those cakes that ladies jump out of? Are those presents from YOU? Because if you can get a guy in a tuna cake, I'm not going to complain. Anyway, I doubt you're into the kidnapping business ... though let me know if you are and I will sell admission to you chasing the dude down ... we'll split the proceeds eighty/twenty. I get eighty whole chickens, you get twenty as a good start on your tasty whole chicken crop for next year.

As a caveat ... I asked for something special for my Momma this year, but if a kitty shows up on our front doorstep, I'm just warning you that it will be open season on tasty whole reindeer next year. So far I've refrained from sinking my fangs into luscious reindeer loins, but get Momma another cat and your reindeer will see the meaning of fury furry. The LAST thing I need is a little pipsqueak following me around like I did to Kitty. At least I was cute!

http://mommakatandherbearcat.blogspot.com/2016/10/sunday-selfie-22.html

Anyway, if the strange dude under our tree thing doesn't work out, I'll do my best to love her (it's hard sometimes). She's been awful grabby this year. But NO CATS! I'm an only child.

Bear Cat



Dear Bear,

Despite all your haughtiness and superficial toughness, I know at heart, that you are a good boy. You are still the sweet kitten that, despite being hungry, crawled in your Momma's lap, wrapped your front arms around her wrist, and pulled her hand to your belly because you wanted belly rubs. I know you are less this:
And more this:

I also know that you didn't appreciate sharing your Momma with a dude (The boy, Tom, Dick and Harry, The interview, and Annoying giggliness), so maybe she needs a little more time on her own. Maybe she'd feel good enough and lovable if she thought those things about herself to begin with. As it is now, each hurt and rejection just confirms what she thinks she knows. 

Of course, you are a cat, so you must act tough, but you are a sweetheart where it really counts. Since you don't have a Christmas tree (your Momma is smart), I will leave you something special on your cat tree. In truth though, I'm pretty sure you know you already have everything that truly matters.

Santa

[NOTE FROM MOMMA: Many of the pictures and words have links to related posts if the pictures or phrases sound interesting and you want to know more about the story.]

26 comments:

  1. OMC, Bear... we could barely get past "My momma's butt is like the sun..." You are too funny! We avoid commentary our human's parts unless they need to be bitten for disciplinary purposes, but you know how to do it RIGHT.

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    1. Thank you! That's what I like to hear. Hmmm .... biting for disciplinary purposes ... and I just do it for fun! I'm missing out! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Bear, Santa is more than right when he says that you're a good boy. You're always there for your momma, no matter what, and she's there for you. You two make the purrfect team. (We're going to pretend we didn't notice your comments regarding your mom's butt, or those bitey and bandage pics...).

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    1. Thank you. Sometimes she annoys me, but she's not half bad as a Momma. And she's a good snuggler. We both got lucky :) ~Bear Cat

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  3. I think won the big guy over, Bear! Bet he leave you a whole tasty chicken under your cat treee!

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  4. I think the coal must have been a mistake, we all know you are a good Bear!

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  5. Aaaaaaaaw Bear, we're sure dat Santa guy knows you're a great kitty. And we know your mommy does. Mommy says humans have to pay green papers fur da things he brings us, so maybe last year, he just didn't get da cash. Your mommy should ask fur a refund. As fur your mommy and relationships, tell her to quit frettin'. Mommy's never had a relationship with a human man dat lasted longer than 3 months. It goes from luv ya' lots to OMC you're da worst woman dat ever lived. MOL So mommy knows all 'bout da unluvvableness. She says it's okay, she can live with just da luv of us kitties. She says no human luvs as much as we do anyways. :) Big hugs to you both.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. Your Mommy is very wise. That's how my Momma lived for a long time ... and will again. Anyone who doesn't love your Mommy has SERIOUS problems though! ~Bear Cat

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  6. I have a feeling you're going to end up on Santa's "nice" list, Bear. And Mudpie feels the exact same way about being an only child!

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    1. I better! Or those tasty whole reindeer will never see it coming ;) ~Bear Cat

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  7. Santa wrote back to you? He never writes back to us-phooey! We don't understand why hew isn't in jail , he is always spying on people, anyone else would be in big trouble.

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    1. I still maintain that the only reason he writes back to me is because I'm in trouble ... he's actually quite tough despite being a jolly dude. ~Bear Cat

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  8. Say what? Santa is blind? Because of your Mom's butt, he'll never again see my stunningness. That's just wrong just like you getting coal for Christmas.

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    1. Good point! On the plus side, he also won't see how much we bite our people ... or the myriad of other things we do to put them in their place. ~Bear Cat

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  9. The coal was clearly a mistake. It seems that Santa understands you are a good kitty.

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  10. Aw, we were thinking pretty badly of Santa at first, but now that we read his reply we feel better. There must have just been some miscommunication in there.
    We think your Momma will eventually find a dude that works out for both of you. She needs to not give up hope.
    Oh, we didn't know she went to BlogPaws last year (we didn't make it). Will she be going again this year? We would love to meet her.
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

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    1. I already have my ticket, yes! I would love to meet you.

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  11. Oh Bear, you are too much! Thank you for making me laugh out loud numerous times tonight. But I really do hope that Santa brings you and your Momma Kat the perfect presents this year. Although you already have each other, which is what matters most.

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    1. If you laughed out loud, my job is done ;) ~Bear Cat

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  12. For a kitty, you are quite literal in the 'biting the hand that feeds you' meme, aren't you, Bear? Here's to loads of pressies for you and your mum.

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