Friday, December 2, 2016

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
My name is Bear Cat Kat. My Momma is the one that asked for doughnuts (okay, I don't know if she ACTUALLY asked for doughnuts, but after her niece and nephew, they are her favorite things, so I'm guessing ... do they make doughnut brownies? Hmmm. I might be interested in a few if any come in tuna flavor). What's up with doughnuts anyway? Everyone knows elves make horrible doughnuts!
Anyway, I haven't written to you before, but I have a SERIOUS grievance with my Christmas presents ... no tasty whole chickens! Since my Momma is mean (or "bad" in your parlance ... she should DEFINITELY be on your BAD list for this year ... and HEY, if the elves don't make her doughnuts, that frees up more resources for my tasty whole chickens!!! On second thought, you should probably bring a doughnut or two ... because when she doesn't get her doughnuts, she gets grumpy. Plus, I don't want her to feel left out on Christmas when I open my tasty whole chicken farm. I have to look out for her you know.), she never communicates my wish for chickens to you. If she had, you CLEARLY would have brought a few last year. TASTY. WHOLE. CHICKENS. You spell that: Tee - aye - ess - tee ... oh wait a minute ... since this is a letter you can already see how it's spelled. I had a human moment there! Haha! Get it? Humans claim "senior moments" where they forget things ... and I, as a cat, claim "human" moments because humans can be rather clueless. Oh, wait. Are you a human? RATS! I don't want to bite the hand that provides me tasty whole chickens (and if my Momma claims I bite the hand that feeds me ... she's lying!). A whole farm of tasty whole chickens is ideal, but I'd settle for just one tasty whole chicken. Attached, you'll find my list from last year that my Momma didn't share with you. She said she did, but OBVIOUSLY, since I didn't get even one tasty whole chicken, you never saw how badly I want one. I've tried EVERYTHING to get one from her (see Tenacious Male Cat In Search of Tasty Whole Chicken).
Many cats won't understand this ... and I try to forget that I know what it's like ... but more than anything, I want #52 on my list. Loving homes for ALL cats. As a cat in the blogging community, I always hear terrible abuse stories, horrible conditions on the streets, people dumping off cats thinking they can survive in the wild, and the less obvious cases of people just not living up to providing good conditions for their cats - not for financial reasons, but just because they don't care or don't know better. Millions of cats are euthanized because there's not enough room in shelters and millions of other cats are "exterminated" as ferals. People excuse all of this by saying it's "only cats." People excuse abuse and neglect because it's "only a cat." As my Momma learned, people who neglect and abuse cats, almost always treat other humans the same way because the problem isn't related to species, but a respect for life (Momma wrote a note on our Facebook page about the link between animal abuse and human violence: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing:" animal abuse and human violence.Would anyone champion a policy "exterminating" all homeless people without question like the majority of areas do with feral cats? Would anyone claim abandoning a child who depends on humans for its needs is okay because they could survive in the wild? Would anyone support a policy where we euthanize homeless people in a shelter when the population is overflowing and there's not enough space?
Every cat should know the love I do from my Momma. Yeah, she's bat poop crazy sometimes, and I like to bite her, and she CAN'T sing or dance to save her life, but she loves me more than anything. I went from a cold, hungry, scared, desperate for love and companionship, four pound homeless kitten (to read more about my past as a homeless kitten ... The good news is your cat is not pregnant . . . the bad news is . . . (or How We Met)Naming "Male Kitten"Momma's Favorite Storyto a fourteen pound housecat to be reckoned with. Yeah, I complain when my food bowl isn't overflowing, or I don't get enough attention, but at heart, I know that I am very lucky. Of course, my Momma is lucky too. I saved her life and gave her a reason to fight when she didn't have a reason to care for herself. I'm not "just a cat," I'm a lifesaver ... I'm the "person" no human could be for my Momma. I'm the humanity that humans couldn't provide in my Momma's life. And now, we have the cat (and pet) blogging world as our friends and they understand this as well as we do. So please figure out a way to ensure all cats are safe and have homes. I figure if you can crisscross the world and visit millions and even billions of homes, to deliver presents in one night, you might be the only person who can work the same miracle for cats. 
~Bear Cat Kat 
ps - Attached is my own list from last year (from Bear Lobbies For His Christmas List). Momma is also writing you a letter. I have no idea what she's asking for and I haven't seen her list, I swear!

Dear Santa,
Besides lots and lots of doughnuts, I'd like catnip, bows, new carpet, and a cattle prod. I also would like a tasty whole chicken of my very own!!! Actually, my butt is getting WAY too big, so maybe skip the doughnuts. But I hope you can overlook my badness and mistreatment of my poor, sweet, kitty cat and get me at least a few items on my list. I confess to my transgressions and ask you to forgive me.  
~Momma Kat
ps - Bear definitely doesn't bite the hand that feeds him! He's a good boy! 
pps - My trangressions are many. I shamed my sweet kitty cat in Momma's revenge. And Bear enumerated many more in the attached photographic evidence from Momma shaming...

Dear Bear,
It sounds like your Momma has been mistreating you severely and she deserves to be on the bad list! Those on the bad list don't get any presents and yet your Momma asked for quite a list: a cattle prod, catnip, bows, carpet. Anyone who asked for any of these items is probably up to no good - which means HE, or she, will be on the permanent BAD list and will never get any presents. I happen to be a fan of your blog and I couldn't help but notice that all these items are on you own wish list (Bear's Wish List)! Asking for items on behalf of others that you really want for yourself is the oldest trick in the book and relegates you to the permanent BAD list as well. Surely you wouldn't be up to that nonsense, right, Bear? I'm sure such a cute and innocent kitty such as yourself would never even THINK of doing such a thing. SURELY, you wouldn't want to end up on the permanent BAD list, right, Bear? I can't find any pictures of your Momma playing with bows, but I did find these pictures from two different posts of YOU playing with bows (NOT a cat and Bear "Celebrates" Momma's Birthday... so I'm not sure why bows would be on your Momma's list.
 
As an avid reader of your blog, I've seen pictures of you biting your Momma. I'm sure you just forgot that you've bitten the hand that feeds you. Surely you wouldn't try lying to someone who knows whether you've been naughty or nice, right? Maybe you could work on all the biting for the next year? 
 
 
Unfortunately, this was a bad year for my crop of tasty whole chickens. As much as I'd love to bring you one, I must limit them to hungry people and hungry cats only because of their limited supply. I'm sure if you asked your Momma nicely she'd feed you chicken dinners in gravy! Having a live whole chicken ... or an entire farm of chickens is messy: all those feathers, cleaning and preparing the chickens ... that's a lot of work to expect from your Momma. Surely you wouldn't expect your Momma to take care of your chickens, right? Surely you wouldn't want to share your toys and food with chickens, right? And I know you like gravy ... live chickens don't come with gravy.   
I do like your idea about all kitties having homes and love like you have from your Momma. She obviously loves you lots and lots! Maybe you could cut her a little slack sometimes? I'll see what I can do about #52. 
~Santa Claus
ps - YOUR MOMMA'S BUTT ISN'T BIG!!! 
pps - Maybe you could share your desk chair with your Momma sometimes? I see you two argue quite a bit about the chair. I read about the beginning of the desk chair wars in Chair + Towel + Cat = Tons of Pictures; the next series on the desk chair wars in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 12 (On the desk chair wars, parts 1-3); and the most recent updates to the desk chair saga in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 23 ("On sharing selfishness"), "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 24 ("On MOO!"), Loud, proud ... and blunt, 1.14876 seconds, What's wrong with this picture?, Iz speako nodo engleeesh, Better in my head, WHEE!, The custody "arrangement," The re-debut, "I do what I want," Share ... NOT in the feline dictionary, and Let's talk reindeer 

26 comments:

  1. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Me learned 'bout this Santa and writin' letters a couple years ago Bear, but he's never writtet me back. Me just 'splained da whole thing to sis Raena and we'll be writin' our letters real soon. But me sure hoeps she doesn't 'spect a letter back, vuz me thinks you must be really special fur dat. We hope you and your mommy get all you want and need fur Christmas. Big hugs to ya'll.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. Maybe he only writes back when you're in trouble? I think I might be in trouble ... ~Bear Cat

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  2. Dang, I never thought to ask for a whole chicken and hopefully the crop will be good this year!

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    1. I thinking if you ask for 10, Santa might consider one a compromise! ~Bear Cat

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  3. Wow, you're lucky, we never got an answer from Santa ! Purrs

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    1. I think I might be in trouble though ... ~Bear Cat

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  4. I asked for nip mice, myself. Thing is, I overheard Peep #1 talkin' and I think Santa's elves are knittin' nip hearts this year. Don't know why. Maybe 'cause we cats are so lovable. Maybe 'cause we cats love nip. Maybe 'cause.. Who knows? AS LONG AS THEY CONTAIN NIP, I'M GOOD WITH THAT. MOUSES!

    Purrs,
    Seville

    PS. You should see if the elves make nip donuts. If your mum doesn't like 'em, she can give 'em to you. purrs

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    1. Excellent point! I didn't know elves could knit! They make doughnuts, knit ... sheesh! I wonder if Santa has a private stash of Nip ... ~Bear Cat

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  5. OMC! Photographic evidence! Oh, how we hate that when it happens. We haven't made up our list yet. We kind of get lost in all the toys... we mean, Mom's decorations, which is like getting presents anyway because she has to buy new ones every year! See, we cut out that Santa middleman that way and it's a win-win!

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  6. We hope you get dozens and dozens of whole chicken this year!!

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  7. Bear, that letter is so sweet you certainly deserve those tasty whole chickens! If I had one I'd send it to you! We're such lucky kitties, and we pray for a day that every cat experiences the love that we do. --Mudpie

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    1. If I get one, I'll share it with you, beautiful Mudpie :) ~Bear Cat

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  8. Bear!! The heck with Santa! Come to my house!! My Mom bought a tasty whole chicken today because it was on sale for .88 cents a pound!!! PS:Mom and I LOVED this post! Love, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody

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    1. Ooooooh! Thank you, Cody! That's a sweet deal ... now I wonder what my Momma's excuse is .... ~Bear Cat

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  9. I am afraid to ask what the cattle prod for. My cats only wrote a sentence each, I guess they need to do more work.

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    1. My Momma's trained herself to ignore me when I lick her ear when she's sleeping. It's always a dire emergency! Like I'm hungry. Anyway, since she trained herself not to jump when I stick my tongue in her ear ... I need something she can't ignore! ~Bear Cat
      ps - Err ... that's what I'D use it for ... but since MOMMA asked for it ...

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  10. Wow, Sandy Claws is really on top of things, isn't he? We think maybe you should work really hard on being a good Bear Cat. At least until Dec. 26.

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  11. That is a very nice letter to Santa and I hope he comes through for you - well, I guess I mean for all those homeless cats and kittens. And you blew my mind with doughnut brownies! Is there such a thing?!? I must know! I'm gonna go out on a limb, though, and say there's no such thing as tuna flavor doughnuts.

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    1. There should be tuna doughnuts! The cats ALWAYS get screwed! Well, you know, even more than having so many homeless and hungry kitties! ~Bear Cat

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  12. We think you need to be nicer to your mom if you want your Christmas list under your cat tree.

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  13. Dear Bear,
    Great letter to Santa although here at The Tribe of Five, we love our automatic red dot thingy. When the humans callously leave us alone all day to do this "work thing" we make sure they push the button on the crazy, twirly red dog thingie and we get a little play time. You may want to send Santa an addendum to your original letter.
    Your Friends,
    Tucker, Jasmine, Lily, Alberto and Oliver

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    1. I used to LOVE the red dot. But I got frustrated that I couldn't sink my teeth or claws into it, so I lost interest. It might be time re-evaluate though! ~Bear Cat

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