Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Letters to Santa, part 3

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Letters to Santa, part 3:
BC: {putting down his first reply from Santa} Whoa. I never noticed this before, but Santa sounds a lot like you!


MK: Imagine that!
BC: I don't have to because he sounds like you! You always tell me that chickens are messy, that it would be a lot of work for you to clean and prepare tasty whole chickens, and you always point out that I wouldn't want to share my stuff with chickens.
MK: What a COINCIDENCE!
BC: Hmmm .... maybe your humanity is the problem. Always complaining! Does Santa have a cat?


MK: I don't think so ... but he has reindeer.
BC: SOLD!
MK: Wait, what?
BC: TASTY WHOLE REINDEER!


BC: {AHEM} ... Do you recall, the tastiest reindeer of all ... 
Rudolph, the tasty reindeer 
had very juicy loins. 
And if you ever saw him, 
my watering mouth yours would join. 
All of the other reindeer 
used to laugh and call him fat. 
They always told poor Rudolph 
He'd make a great meal for any cat. 
Then one foggy Christmas Eve 
Santa came to say: 
"Rudolph, I'm short of tasty chickens, 
won't you help out so all cats have lickins'?" 
Then all the reindeer loved him 
as they shouted out with glee, 
Rudolph the tasty reindeer, 
No reindeer is tastier than he!
MK: Not to eat, Bear!
BC: Santa DID say there was a tasty whole chicken shortage! My song is coming true! What else would tasty whole reindeer be used for? 

MK: Flying?
BC: Is that a joke like with the pigs?
MK: What pigs?
BC: "When pigs fly."
MK: Well, I ...
BC: Is this your way of telling me I won't be getting tasty whole chickens? "When reindeer fly, Bear!" It's the pigs Christmas-ified.
MK: No. The way I tell you you're not getting tasty whole chickens is for me to tell you, "YOU'RE NOT GETTING TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS!"
BC: Sheesh! You don't have to rub it in! I got the point with the flying reindeer remark.
{Pause}

BC: I WANT  TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS!

MK: No.

BC: But every other cat has tasty whole chickens!
MK: Every other cat who? Which of your friends has tasty whole chickens?
BC: Err ... a LOT of them!
MK: Like ...
BC: CATS!
MK: If every cat jumped off a bridge, would you?
BC: OBVIOUSLY! If our tasty whole chickens jumped off a bridge, we'd jump after them!

MK: I can't decide what's more disturbing ... that you think it's fine to jump off a bridge after a tasty whole chicken ... or that I sound like my parents.
BC: Your parents were mean too?
MK: Ye ... I mean, NO!
BC: Speaking of sounding like someone ... Santa's second reply sounds like you too! "You're a good boy, Bear!" "You have everything that truly matters, Bear!"

MK: You're not a good boy?
BC: NO!

MK: So you shouldn't be on Santa's "good" list?
BC: N ... err ... RATS!
{Pause}
BC: These REPLIES ... it's like he KNOWS me. That you're smart not to have a Christmas tree? That I don't like sharing you? Saying that I should work on biting? That I should share MY desk chair? That I'm up to no good when I want catnip, a cattle prod, carpet, and bows?

MK: Well, technically, Santa said I wasn't up to any good because YOU wrote that letter and said it was from me. Which Santa said would put you on the permanent bad list. Are you admitting to writing the letter purportedly from me?
BC: {Narrowing his eyes} Are you a Santa informant?
MK: No. He knows if you're naughty or nice, remember? And he said he reads our blog.
BC: I guess. Does that mean he knows the words you used last night?
MK: Bear, you barfed ON ME, WHILE I WAS SLEEPING.
BC: My aim was off! I was going for your pillow.


MK: EWW! Just EWW! As if that MAKES IT BETTER! You scarfed down dry food for no reason ...
BC: It wasn't for NO reason!
MK: ... Other than you were upset that I was asleep. Then you barfed ON me to wake me up.
BC: So? You act like that's a BAD thing.
{Pause}
BC: How does Santa know the size of your butt?


MK: Excuse me?
BC: Here in the ps to the first reply! "YOUR MOMMA'S BUTT ISN'T BIG!!!"
MK: Well, if he knows if you've been naughty or nice, I guess it follows that he'd know what I look like.
BC: But why is Santa checking out your butt? I bet Mrs. Claus doesn't appreciate that.
MK: Maybe the elves did.
BC: What kind of sicko asks his elves to check out women's butts?
MK: I don't know!
BC: And those poor elves! I mean, I have to see your butt all the time and the view is TRAUMATIZING!

MK: Bear ...
BC: YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH SANTA CLAUS!

MK: What are you ...
BC: As if Meow Mc-Quacky Pants wasn't bad enough! First, my vet! Then, Santa Claus!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Hmmm. I could use this my advantage. Can you put in a good word for me?
MK: {trying to change the subject} What's this about not biting the hand that feeds you? You bite me all the time ... as Santa deftly pointed out!
BC: I do not!
MK: Oh? Let's review the pictures Santa included in his reply ...

BC: Rats! I was just hugging your arm! I like warm hugs!
MK: Oh?

BC: Err ... I'm not biting your hand! I'm biting the sweatshirt!
MK: Okay.


BC: Stop that! Besides, you feed me with your RIGHT hand and all these pictures show me biting your LEFT hand. NOT the hand that feeds me. I explained that to Santa in my last letter!

MK: I'm not sure Santa cares for the technicalities, Bear.
BC: Why should I care what Santa cares for?
MK: Because he decides what presents you get.
{Silence}
BC: RATS! Can I have a million dollars?

MK: WHAT?

BC: I need to bribe Santa.
MK: Think of all the good you could do with that money!
BC: Exactly! Santa would fill my ENTIRE list!
MK: I'm pretty sure bribery puts you on the naughty list.
BC: You seem to know an AWFUL lot about Santa ... you ARE sleeping with him!

MK: {sigh}.
BC: Hmmm. Even HE'S not that desperate!
MK: WHAT?
BC: The only other explanation is that YOU are Santa Claus.

MK: Bear ...

BC: No. That can't be true either. I mean, your face DOES look like an old man's ... but your beard would have to be longer ...
MK: BEAR! I do not have a beard!
BC: Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. Anyway, I carefully monitor everything within my territory and I haven't seen any evidence of presents. Or elves. Or reindeer. I'm too smart for you to get anything past me.
MK: Maybe he just reads our blog?
BC: That WOULD explain why he's so jolly. 
{Pause}
BC: I'M SCREWED! I'll NEVER be on the good list! My life is OVER! Err ... LIVES are over.
MK: You could behave.
{Silence}.
BC: I'M SCREWED! I'll NEVER be on the good list! If I didn't know for a fact that Santa exists, I'd think this naughty/nice list thing was something humans invented to make their cats behave!
{Pause}
BC: Well, HELL! I should make the most of not being on the good list! {Jumping down}. Hold my calls. I'm BUSY!

MK: Uh oh.
BC: You got THAT right lady!

{Pause}
{THWACK!!} {CRASH!!!}
BC: Hehehehehe. That was a good one!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Sometimes I surpass even my own expectations! 
{THUNK!} {SHATTER!!}
BC: BOO-YAH!!! Put THAT on a list!

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28 comments:

  1. Great poem, Bear. And yeah, I guess you better be careful with your conversations because Santa could definitely be reading your blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RATS! I was kidding about the Rudolph thing, I swear! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Building that nasty list, we see. MOL!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sigh. Now your momma has to spend all day cleaning up what you broke, Bear. You do realize that your momma has control over what santa brings and doesn't bring, right? Give that a few moments thought. Or does momma have to call back the aliens, to scare you into behaving? Well, you are a cat. That means the word behave has no meaning to you, I am guessing. Well, I don't have to guess, as this "alien" has seen you trying to destroy things!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Now your momma has to spend all day cleaning up what you broke, Bear."
      So just another day in the Momma Kat household, right? ;)

      Delete
  4. The reindeer need to be careful at your place Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Bear...While we don't know 'bout this Santa guy or elves and whatever else everypawdy talks 'bout at this time of year, we do know dat bein' nice is a good thing. You know, you're more likely to break your mommy down by bein' good. And once she's been broken, you could get those chickens. They are purretty delishus, altho' we purrfur turkey or duck when it comes to da birds. Mommy likes turkey bestest, and fankfully, ifin she has it, we get it too. It's all 'bout bein' nice. And of 'course, da right beg face. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet you ladies have JUST the right look to score the gobblers ;)
      Maybe I need to practice mine in the mirror? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. If he reads your blog and takes in your version of Rudolph the jolly old man will keel over dead!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe I'm in his will? Or he'll bring me Rudolph's tasty brother? ~Bear Cat

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  7. Yeah... dude... you gotta do the nice thing, at least for a while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When's the cut off? Midnight on Christmas Eve? ~Bear Cat

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  8. Wait a minute Mr Tempramental! You demand whole chickens THEN run amok? Shame on you!! No wonder your poor Mom sighs so much!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooooh! I LIKE that! "Bear's run amok! Bear's run amok!" That should be my new motto!! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. You know what ....I never even thought about tasty whole chickens until I met you. I thought chickens just came from a can, but now I know of a whole new world of tasty whole chickens. Apparently, I am also on the kind of naughty list - because I occasionally knock stuff off the table, boss Ruby around, and walk across the keyboard and mess up stuff on the computer thing. But I want TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS in my stocking right NOW

    XOXO, Rosie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ummm ... you're not ACTUALLY naughty Rosie ... you're just a CAT! ~Bear Cat

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  10. I think I see a huge back of coal in your very near future, Bear. Don't tell Santa, but I like your Rudolph song.

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  11. Ohhhhhhhhhhh Flynn called it...right
    If I gnawed on the hand that feeds me....oh would I be in trouble, that is until she forgot
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our cuteness helps them "forget" doesn't it, Madi? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. Here's hoping Santa Paws brings you loads of chicken and/or goldfish.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can you use goldfish to purchase a tasty whole chicken farm? ~Bear Cat

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