Friday, December 11, 2015

Bear Lobbies For His Christmas List

Bear is ready for Christmas! And by that, I mean he's finished his list . . . for himself. You might've already seen Bear's wish list as a special page on our blog . . . but Bear feels the occasion calls for a NEW list. Even though Santa probably has Bear on his "naughty" list . . . as happens with Momma, he's hoping his incredible cuteness will cause Santa to overlook his mischief. 



Bear's quite the expert on campaigning for what he wants . . . not only does he know how to use the typical cat tools to communicate his desires and get what he wants (breaking things, staring at Momma for hours, begging, following Momma around, making sure to insert himself in every situation so Momma notices him, etc.), but he creates new and innovative ways to tell Momma EXACTLY what he wants, RIGHT NOW, as he demonstrated with the whole chicken campaign (TMC ISO TWC). Also referenced in this post: the time Bear decided he wanted a whale.

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Momma! I finished my list of what I want for Christmas!MK: You already have a wish list on our blog . . . you need a special list?
{Pause}
BC: That wasn't a question, right?
MK: Never mind.
BC: HERE!
{Pause for Momma to read}

MK: Wow, Bear! You must have spent a really long time writing this list!
BC: You're telling me! I wish it were possible to add "opposable thumbs," that would have made number one! Hopefully one day science will figure out how to give all cats opposable thumbs.
MK: Bear, fifty of the lines say, "Tasty whole chicken!"
BC: That's because it's Christmas! Fifty sounds reasonable.
MK: Why didn't you just write "Fifty tasty whole chickens" on one line?
BC: I think the magnitude of my desire for whole chickens is better expressed when it's written fifty times.
MK: Is this why you changed my desktop wallpaper to whole chickens?

BC: I don't know what you're talking . . . oh. THOSE. HUBBA-HUBBA! I'm thinking THOSE chickens would be, at the VERY LEAST, extra-tasty whole chickens!
MK: I don't think you can buy chickens with these kinds of classifications: "tasty whole chicken," "extra-tasty whole chicken," "super-extra-tasty whole chicken," "super-duper-extra-tasty whole chicken," or "premium-ultra-extra-tasty whole chicken." I'd have to sample them . . . and I'm not sure I'd know the difference.
BC: That's okay. I did some math and I figured out that if you buy a thousand whole chickens, at least fifty should be tasty, extra-tasty, super-extra-tasty, etc.
MK: What math? 
BC: A math that is so advanced humans don't know about it yet. Therefore, I can't tell you.
MK: Aren't all chickens tasty?
BC: RATS. You're right. Fine. If you're too cheap for a thousand chickens, get fifty.
MK: And you're expecting me to kill, pluck, clean, and cook all those chickens?
BC: Don't they have some kind of kitchen appliance where you put the live chicken in the contraption and it comes out cooked?
MK: You're kidding.
BC: Hey! You have a toaster and a microwave, and a slow-cooker, and a bread maker and a waffle maker and a mixer . . . surely there's a chicken preparation device!
MK: That's what the slaughterhouse is for.
BC: What's a slaughterhouse?
MK: Remember how you were sure chickens come from factories? Well, the live chickens are taken from the farm to the slaughterhouse and they come out ready to cook. So it's kind of a chicken factory.
BC: You mean the chickens are made in one factory - where they attach the feathers and assemble the chicken, and then they're taken to a second factory to remove the feathers and dissemble the chicken? That's a lot of useless work!
{Pause as Momma realizes the conversation is about to devolve into frustration for all parties involved and she tries to figure out how to change the subject}
MK: A safari to Africa?
BC: I want to meet and commune with my ancestors!
MK: I thought you were convinced your ancestors were pterodactyls?
BC: Well, I can't exactly take a trip to commune with pterodactyls, now can I?
MK: Good point. You don't think the lions and tigers might view you as a tasty snack?
BC: I have claws and fangs too!
MK: I see. How are we getting to Africa? 
BC: There is no "we:" I'm going by myself! I don't want to be embarrassed by my Momma in front of my ancestors!
MK: Don't tell me you're going to sit in your carrier for the whole flight. You hate cars . . . I think you'll hate planes even more . . . by boat?
BC: You mean you can't make me go somewhere . . . like automatically?
MK: You mean like beaming you around the planet?
BC: YES!
MK: No.
BC: But Africa's not that far away! Obviously, it's farther than the vet's office . . . but how far can it be?
MK: Africa's across the ocean . . . on the other side of the planet . . . and it would take you hours . . . almost a day to get there.
BC: Is the ocean bigger than our bathtub?
MK: The ocean is bigger than our house . . . or our city. 
BC: I know THAT! I was just testing you!
MK: Remember how I told you a whale would be too big for our bathtub?
BC: I still want a whale! Add that to the list!
MK: No. 
{Pause}
MK: There are TONS of whales in the ocean . . . that's how big it is.
BC: So you're saying that on my way home from Africa, when I go in the ocean, I can pick up a bunch of whales too? Are they parked like cars in a parking lot?
MK: No . . . 
BC: Don't you think getting a whale would be easier if we just got it from the whale factory?
MK: BEAR! Factories DON'T make animals!
BC: I see your point. Chickens aren't animals, they're food. So forget the whale factory.
MK: No! Chickens aren't made in factories, mammals aren't made in factories, anything that lives is NOT made in factories!
BC: So you mean you aren't defective?
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: You know when I knead you with my front paws?
MK: Yes.
BC: I never get milk!
MK: You knead my back! How are you going to get milk from me period? I'm not a cat!
BC: Oh. I thought you being a human was just a matter of being a defective cat. So you didn't come from the cat factory . . . at say, a wildly discounted price?
MK: BEAR! Living things AREN'T made in factories! Fish aren't made in factories either!
BC: My fishy are alive?
MK: Not anymore!
BC: You kill my fishy?
MK: I buy them that way.
BC: I want live fishy! You think you can pass off dead fishy as fresh?
MK: You never seemed to notice.
BC: That's because I didn't know the difference! I WANT FISHY THAT ARE ALIVE!
{Pause as Momma tries to figure out how to change the subject . . . again}
MK: A cat hammock?
BC: I need a place to hang out.
MK: You have your cat tree, the couch, the beds . . . you have tons of places to spend time!
BC: But none of those "hang." Duh! I can't "hang out" in a place that doesn't hang! I don't know why all of this is so complicated! Next thing you're going to tell me is that cat hammocks aren't made in factories! And that they were once alive!
MK: You must realize that these discussions make we want to run around like you do when you have the crazies, right? And pull out my fur . . . I mean HAIR!
BC: What does this conversation have to do with invisible aliens? And wouldn't you run from them too? They never shut up!
MK: Most of our misunderstandings are rooted in you not understanding how the real world works . . . and you being too stubborn in your cat-ness to listen!
BC: NO! YOU don't understand the real world! I'm a cat! That means I'm always right, I know everything, and I'm the boss!
MK: I see your point.
BC: Why, oh, why was I adopted by a defective cat?
MK: I'm NOT defective!
BC: Your arguing with me proves my point.
MK: ARGGGGGGGGG!
BC: I wonder if I can get a replacement. Are you still under warranty?


Later that day . . .
BC: I like the new wallpaper on your desktop!
MK: My new . . . BEAR!

BC: Did you say "BEAR!" because I'm in trouble . . . or "BEAR!" because I'm so handsome on the screen?
MK: You aren't allowed to use the computer!
BC: Aren't I adorable?!?!
MK: Oh, for crying . . . LEAVE MY COMPUTER ALONE! I HATE when you change my settings - on purpose - or accidentally.
BC: Don't you enjoy looking at me?
MK: If I wanted to look at you while I'm on the computer, I'd just turn my head ninety degrees to where you sit on the table . . . just WATCHING me.
BC: I know! I'm trying to figure out how to put my picture ninety degrees in the other direction . . . so no matter where you look, you'll see ME and I'll be watching you. One cat . . . TRIPLE duty!
MK: You want to make me extra jumpy and uncomfortable?
BC: But it also means you get to stare at me all day! I ENVY you!
MK: Than go sit on the bathroom counter and stare at yourself in the mirror all day!
BC: That drives you crazy too!
MK: When you strut back and forth and meow at yourself in front of the mirror . . . no. When you get bored of admiring yourself and you knock stuff in the toilet . . . yes.
BC: Hmph. I am NOT boring! I NEVER get bored of admiring my sexiness! Maybe you should just pay attention to me!
{Pause}
BC: I give you the gift of me and I get in trouble!
MK: How about we compromise . . . you leave the staring to the actual, living cat . . . and we take your picture off the desktop.
BC: Oh! You think you'll find something better to put on your desktop? What did you have before?
MK: Never mind.
BC: That's RIGHT!
Momma's previous desktop wallpaper (Bear playing in his water bowl)


The next day . . .
MK: BEAR! Why is my desktop wallpaper covered with Friskies cans?
BC: I want to be more frisky!
MK: You're frisky enough! 
BC: Are you a frisky expert?
MK: A frisky EXPERT or an expert on FRISKINESS?
BC: You're neither! Frisky? You have no life!
MK: I know that friskiness doesn't come in a can!
BC: You mean it's false advertising?
MK: No. It's just the brand of the food.
BC: So why do you buy it if it's not really frisky?
MK: You know what? Never mind. There's no way I'll win this conversation - I'll only get frustrated and want to lock myself in a dark room. Change my desktop to whatever meets your fancy - whenever you want.
BC: Wait! So you mean you won't argue with me and I get to do whatever I want?
MK: Sure.
BC: HOW'S THAT ANY DIFFERENT FROM ANY OTHER DAY?!?!?! YOU'RE NO FUN! Without your defectiveness, you'd totally want to argue and impose your will! Now I know why they call you "human" . . . because even saying you're a defective cat is insulting to cats!
MK: {sigh}
BC: I'm right!
MK: You're right. You're always right. I defer to your superior intellect.
BC: If I'm always right and you defer to me . . . can I have some treats?
MK: No. I'm defective, remember? I can't carry out any action perfectly.
BC: Rats! I hope they've increased quality control at the cat factory!

Momma Kat's Note: As always, Bear's wish list includes loving homes for all cats (#52). Despite his mischief and stubbornness, Bear will always be a sweetheart. When Momma thinks of Bear's homeless beginnings, and how much love and wonder he's brought into her life since, she can't help but feel the world has lost out by not giving homes, full bellies, and love to every single cat. Because every single cat is extraordinary - and every cat's life matters.

3 comments:

  1. Ooh Bear! I admire your list, I do hope at least 9 of those tasty chickens came your way?! Hmm, I had never thought about peep as being defective, but it sure would explain an awful lot, like the shape! purrs ERin

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bear, we're truly impressed by your list. Maybe this year you will get all of it .

    ReplyDelete