BEAR'S PAGE

All about me {just like real life}! Yay!

When Momma said I was getting my own page I was soooooo excited - then she told me it wasn't the kind of page I could shred :(  
Oh for the years where Momma was taking the classes she needed and studying for the CPA exam - they were heaven: all the paper {notes, homework}, textbooks, and pens I could chew {and steal}! I figured I'd prove that cats are even better than dogs at eating homework - and I really thought I was making my mark - until Momma broke it to me that she made copies to turn in. So no one ever realized just how efficient cats are at destroying homework. Momma is good at thwarting my plots of feline domination. If only I had opposable thumbs - then I'm certain I'd gain the upper paw!

OK. So how this works . . . I'll write entries to this page every so often -  in continuous fashion - with the newest entries {except for this introduction} at the top. So . . . follow me as I evolve into a better {or worse, depending upon your perspective} cat and I tell the truth about what goes on in the Momma Kat household {as juicy as a whole chicken, which is on my wish list by the way . . . hint, hint!}.

Links for more Bear Cat:

All me! Every so often Momma lets me post all by myself on the main page - and while she makes no guarantee as to appropriateness or tactfulness, I promise you won't be sorry if you dare to read what I have to say:
Bear Talks Momma KatHow To Astutely Vituperate Your HominidFrom Momma to ***WINNING***Cats Against Sleeping HumansThe post about ???Feline support groupsMy paws have claws.

You can read about me in action {conversation} - which is another way to learn about what I think and like - with Momma here:
Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 28.5, Part 29Part 30Part 31, Part 32.

You can read about me in action {conversation} - which is another way to learn about what I think and like - with Kitty here:
What Your Cats Are Really Saying

Also, I've devised a wish list for those of you {or Santa Claus - NO Easter Bunny though} that would like to send me presents care of Momma:

Bear's Wish List

Our Facebook page has a mix of perspectives, but there are more frequent posts, so you get to spend a little bit of time with me each day {aren't YOU lucky!}:

Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat's Facebook page

Our Twitter page sometimes leaks the secrets of the day's post a little early:
Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat's Twitter page



ENTRIES:

Entry #20 {August 07, 2016}:
When all you want is some stupid service in this joint and all you get is a thousand pictures.


Entry #19 {May 04, 2016}:
When the annoying paw-parazzi won't leave you alone. 


Entry #18 {May 03, 2016}:
When your Momma gets cheeky because you took possession of your desk chair. Bear does not share . . . anyone who expects me to is selfish. OBVIOUSLY. 


Entry #17 {April 30, 2016}:
That moment when your Momma does a combination stretch/grab for her pitcher of water because it would take more time to do each action individually . . . and ends up knocking it over and soaking herself. I'm not laughing . . . MUCH. You just can't make this $#!+ up!

Entry #16 {April 21, 2016}:
I still contend that I'm a black cat in a tabby's body . . .


Entry #15 {April 02, 2016}:
This is my kind of girl . . .


Entry #14 {March 05, 2016}:
Ever wonder what my Momma does when she's bored? She takes tons and tons of pictures of her favorite kitty and then stares at them for hours. Poor, poor me.



Entry #13 {November 05, 2015}:
My favorite cat party game . . . 

Entry #12 {October 06, 2015}:
For realz! I'm not allowed on the internet, yet you fill the internet with pictures of me?!?!? Must be because I'm sexy . . . I'm TOO sexy. Obviously. I demand compensation!!



Entry #11 {September 23, 2015}:
Still grounded . . .  
Look what I found . . . poor Momma. 
Though it is pretty hilarious to watch . . .



Entry #10 {September 19, 2015}:
Still grounded . . .  
My Momma is so good at ear rubs and back scratches! She's had so much practice she knows how to use her two hands so that it feels like she's petting my entire body at once! Despite the everyday annoyances, she really is a good Momma. But don't tell her that! The entire balance of our relationship would be thrown off if she knew she was good at something! No big head in the Momma Kat household, except for mine! Because Bear Cat is AWESOME. Momma Kat? Eh. What she doesn't know won't hurt her (that I kind of, sort of need her . . . a little).


Entry #9 {September 17, 2015}:
Momma is feeling sentimental . . . she's following me around and telling me how cute I am, how much she loves me, how lucky she is to have me, and how she doesn't know what she'd do without me . . . she's also being fairly grabby and trying to give me hugs and stuff. Being a cat is so tough! The things we have to put up with in our humans. And all the things she's saying are just HUGE "Duhs:" of course, I'm fabulous! If she starts crying, I'm out of here!
ps - I'm still grounded from the internet. Luckily, Momma exhausted herself while annoying me so she's taking a nap . . . don't tell.


Entry #8 {September 04, 2015}:
BAD NEWS! As of today, Momma banned me from the internet permanently! Why? Read all about it {HERE}. Don't worry - I'm lobbying Momma to reinstate my privileges so I can continue posting to my page (and other things - but don't tell Momma about that). She can be really mean! I get in trouble for everything, when I'm just a cute, sweet, well-meaning, little kitty cat! 


Entry #7 {August 08, 2015}:
HELP!
Momma's got the cleaning bug! If I disappear . . . well, let's just say that when Momma cleans things, she CLEANS things; she flits between an ever increasing number of projects claiming it's "just one more thing." And she goes all out . . . she starts cleaning the window sills and adds the windows, the blinds and everything else in the vicinity . . . and then she makes "improvements."
I've long suspected that Kitty didn't actually pass over the Rainbow Bridge, but was, instead, a victim of Momma's "cleaning." And all kinds of things change with Momma's cleaning (oh! wouldn't it look better if . . . let's redecorate . . . let's organize!) - and I don't like that either. Either I have to deal with change or I have to re-scent everything and that's hard work! To get the perfect fur ratio, I have to roll around and shed for weeks!
And the other annoying part of this whole scenario? For WEEKS afterward, she moans and groans about how old she is and how everything hurts: her knees, her back, even her 26th metatarsal twice-removed to the 6th power. Umm . . . HELLO! You're the one who chose the marathon cleaning session!
She told me I'm not allowed to tell you the last time she cleaned like this . . . and in return for my discretion, she covered the now flawless window sills with towels so I'm more comfortable when I sleep in the sun. I guess it's not all so bad - perhaps I will survive. You never know . . . one minute she's vacuuming the cat fur off the curtains . . . and the next . . . POOF! . . . no more Bear! If I disappear . . . you know why! In that case, please notify the proper authorities.



Entry #6 {July 10, 2015}:
Help! Momma's rocking out . . . and {GAS
P} dancing . . . my innocent, virgin kitty eyes! My only chance to survive this trauma is if she doesn't start singing. Oh no! Too late - there goes a few more of my lives! My ears! Dear sweet kitty gods: please deliver me from this sensory overloaded hell . . . or at least lead me to the stereo power cord so that I may shutdown this obscene horror show! This combo destroys a cat's entire nine lives.

Entry #5 {June 27, 2015}:
Momma gave me my very own bow. I LOVE bows! When Momma gets out the bow box, I go nuts and roll around in the bows. Then I try to steal a few (including from the already wrapped and bowed presents). But since she gave me the bow, I can't play with it. Such a waste of a good bow!

So pretty . . . too bad I can't play with it!

Why I Love Christmas . . . So many bows . . . so little time!



Entry #4 {June 13, 2015}:
Do you remember the paper bag incident - where Momma had the audacity to throw away my new paper bag even though I wasn't using it? You can find the conversation {HERE}. Guess what? Not only did she give me a second NEW bag, but she also put a cool flap in the bottom for me to look out! Now I can hide in the bag and stick my paw out of the flap and "get" Momma when she walks past. SO COOL! I might look bored in the picture, but I was actually taking a break because Momma and I were playing some super extreme games through the flap. Even better? She reinforced the flap with heavy shipping tape so we can go wild and not worry that the flap will rip. My Momma is such a good mommy. I know she loves me - especially when she does little things like this that show she wants to give me the best she can and that she's always thinking of ways to make my life better. I'm off to my bag . . . but don't let the cat out of the bag and tell Momma I'm there . . . she'll find out soon enough! Paw flap, here I come!


Entry #3 {May 27, 2015}:
Some times Momma drives me crazy. She told you the story of the scare we had a few months ago {HERE}, when I had to have surgery. But since then, she's been annoyingly overprotective. When she pets me, she tries to hide it, but I can tell she's also feeling around for more tumors. She thinks she's so clever and that she hides it, but it's easy to tell when she freaks out about random bumps and lumps - she just keeps poking around that site and the spot on the opposite side of my body - comparing their size and composition. I want to yell, "That's my spleen! That's the sardines you fed me! That's my bone! There's nothing abnormal there!" At least she doesn't follow me around and regularly check on me anymore - that was the worst! A sneeze, a weird sounding meow, a fur ball . . . and the next thing you know she was right there making sure I wasn't dying. She examined everything in my litter box, my appetite, how I slept . . . it was like living in a fish bowl! I couldn't take that stress! I'm an independent cat! She even called the vet because she thought my butt looked "strange!" How embarrassing! I know she loves me and that she's afraid - plus she's scared to believe that every thing will be OK - but I want my life back! I want to be me without her freaking out that something is wrong with me. And I can sense her terror . . . I just wish there was a way to reassure her that we are OK, at least for now. I guess it also shows how much she loves and values me. She's a good mommy, she just drives me nuts sometimes :)


Entry #2 {May 23, 2015}:
Letter to Mittens {of http://textsfrommittens.com}: 
"My name is Bear but I'm just a regular peasant tabby and not a cool tuxie like you {though I am super sexy - some times, when I'm bored, I jump on the bathroom counter just to look at myself - then I have to find something to knock in the toilet to pretend that I wasn't}. My Momma just finished reading your book of texts {she laughed a lot - and even snorted a few times - ugh, NOT attractive - no wonder she can't get a date}. I admire that you don't let a lack of opposable thumbs interfere with texting! My Momma won't let me have a phone. She insists that I'd keep losing it under the furniture {or my other spots she doesn't know about - like where the 'x' key from her laptop disappeared to after I popped it off - hehe} and I'd constantly be begging her to find it {or not}. Anyway, Momma told me you might sympathize with everything I go through. Not that I really have friends - when you're a cat yourself, you know what every other cat is capable of, right? I know I'm meant to be an internet star - it took me 9 years to convince my Momma of this so she started a blog a few months ago. Clearly, she's doing something wrong because no one's tried to interview me, take my picture, or asked for my paw print yet. 

I hate how humans always make fun of us for sleeping 18 hours a day - but they have no idea how exhausting it is to be a feline - not only do we have to put up with them {which is exhausting in and of itself} - but we are so awesome, it takes a lot of energy. Unlike you, I don't like boxes {they freak me out} and I don't really have any friends {there are cats that come around to "visit" but they're not allowed inside and even if they were - I'd hide under the bed - see my comments earlier about friendships with other cats}. I feel your pain about getting stuck in a cereal box - once I got stuck in a jar of peanut butter. OK, not the entire way, but I like peanut butter and was trying to get my face into the jar when it just attacked me out of no where and my back paw got stuck a good three inches in the peanut butter {yes, in the jar}. It was terrifying and when I tried to walk, the jar just clomped along like a wooden leg. I also got caught in a plastic bag once - it attacked me and the handle got caught around my body! I thought I was going to die - but Momma was laughing! It was horrible. Humans also don't understand that the kibble stuff isn't real food - my Momma doesn't give me many treats {:(}, but she does give me a bit of wet food every day instead {and the amount is so small you can barely even see it!}.

By the way - have you ever tried to sell Phil on e-Bay? You might be able to get enough money to buy that cat tree you have your eye on {three hammocks!, I don't have any on my cat tree! though I do have two cat condos!} - plus, then you don't have to deal with a stupid dog in addition to the humans. You can tell your Momma he chased a bicycle and never came back {dogs do that kind of dim-witted thing you know}. My Momma used to try to close me in rooms {OK and one time I knocked the door and it closed on me - major trauma!} and so I just started tearing up the carpet by the door. Voila! No more being confined to one room {and she's already lost the rental deposit}. She also tried lots of things to keep me off the kitchen counter {water squirter, loud noises, chasing me} - but I'm such a badass that I stood there in defiance - not giving an inch. While I might not be allowed on the counters, she's learned that I'm my own cat and I do what I want {until I get myself in a predicament that I need her to save me from - hello, peanut butter!}

I feel stymied by the unreasonable rules of our captors. And to think, they aren't even our real moms! Oh, the indignity. And my grandpa claims to be "allergic!" What's that crap? Who'd choose to be allergic to us cute little kitty cats? Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you have my support in all your pursuits. And you are much more handsome than Stumpy - but maybe you choose to have less attractive friends on purpose?

Your {as much as I can be} friend,
Bear"

Response (!!!!!) from Mittens {of http://textsfrommittens.com}:
"Thank you so much for writing! I agree with you 100%, and you've given me some good ideas. I feel like I need to get Mom's eBay password STAT.

And yes, tuxies are way more handsome (and fancy) than any other cats. I don't know why anyone even tries.

Have a great weekend and ask for extra treats,
Mitty"


Entry #1 {May 22, 2015}:
So Momma told the story of how I came to share a home with her {HERE}. What she doesn't know is that I had a well thought out plan - winter was coming and I had no intention of living outside. All cats know how to pick out the human suckers and Momma was the perfect mark! 

Here are the steps in "Operation Forever Home:"

1) Make contact with the mark. Look as cute and as hungry as possible. Also, show fear and reticence of intimacy with mark - make her think I don't want anything. This step ends when she starts feeding me.
2) Make myself indispensable and irreplaceable to mark. Show up every morning and evening at the same time - that proves I can commit and want to be "tamed" {even if I really don't and the thought of being tamed makes me want to barf a fur ball}. After the first few tummy fulls {feedings} - delay gratification and let her think her love is more important to me than the food. This takes extreme focus and perseverance - remember, the food will still be there when she goes back inside. Even though it seems demeaning, the goal is to make her certain that I need her {HAH!} and that I'm just a fur ball of love {she'll meet the claws and fangs after she buys the cow, er, cat}. At some point, she will feel the need to name me - that proves the plan is working and she is falling in love with me {DUH! Who wouldn't?}. This step ends when she brings me inside for keeps - all the love and food and safety I could ever want!

Obviously, my well thought out plan was successful, but there were a few snags. Like the old cat with medical problems that made it dangerous for Momma to take me in - this almost ruined the WHOLE PLAN! Thankfully, she found a way to make it happen. Snag #2: She thought I was female {IDIOT!}. I had to play along with this "Lily" business until she got me to the vet for a check-up. How embarrassing! My male equipment is quite adequate thank you.


And now you know the "real" story of how I got my forever home :)

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