Saturday, June 27, 2015

How To Astutely Vituperate Your Hominid (Bear post)

Is your human of limited intellectual capability? Of course he or she is! Do you ever get tired of calling your human the same old names? Useless, irrelevant, dumb, slow . . . none of these words capture the extraordinary capacity of the feline intellect. And isn't it our duty to educate our humans? What better way than by calling them something they don't understand, thereby causing them to run to the dictionary or the computer to look the word up? Don't be afraid! Their intellect will never match our superior depth, breadth, and extent - and it comes naturally for us! THINK! Cats live about 15 years . . . and that's how long a human's schooling must last so that he or she may survive in the world we are born knowing how to negotiate. Humans think we stare at a wall for hours - but they don't realize we are meditating and hooking into our deep-seated knowledge. Why do we sleep for 18 hours a day? To sync all that wisdom into our overworked brains! At times, the majority of our problems come from our humans' ignorance. Now YOU can show your human your superiority AND make him or her smarter at the same time! All it takes is a few moments before your next nap to remind yourself of these words that you already know. And a bonus? That nap will contain beautiful dreams of the new ways you can tell your human he/she is an idiot - without actually saying the word "idiot." Do not be afraid of showing your true intelligence! Sure, it might make your humans squirm, but in the end they will respect and admire your capabilities - if only because they find themselves sorely lacking.

And, just as an aside . . . what is it with humans not thinking we are smart enough to misbehave or be ourselves on our own? First, Momma blamed the Big Dodo ("Did your father teach you to drop your micey in your water bowl?"). Then she blamed Kitty ("Did Kitty teach you to always sit with your butt in my face?"). And now, she blames "KatSkool" ("Did you learn to wipe your butt on the floor in KatSkool?"). Like I need help from ANY of these sources - we cats are independent, intelligent, and know how to cause hell to break loose all on our own. Phht. Underestimate my intelligence and you'll be sorry. You're welcome. Give me the credit I deserve and no one will get hurt! Or not fatally. Like I'd even take advice from someone I call "The Big Dodo" or a cat unoriginally named "Kitty" or a school that doesn't even know how to spell itself. So DO NOT let your human minimize your intelligence by owing it to someone else. You worked hard to call your human a smellfungus!

One of the most annoying traits of humans? They are always telling us what we do wrong! "Bear! Get off the counter! Bear! Stop ripping up the carpet! Bear! Stop attacking my leg like it's a piece of meat! Bear, don't do this! Bear, don't do that! Bear! Bear! Bear! Bear!" AS IF. Even I get sick of my own name. We are being ourselves - and that is NEVER wrong. Just because they don't understand why we do things, doesn't mean there's not a good reason. DUH!
1) Harridan: (noun) shrew; ill-tempered, scolding woman.
2) Smellfungus: (noun) an excessively faultfinding person.
3) Cavil: (verb) to raise irritating and trivial objections; find fault with unnecessarily.
Example: It's not my fault you're a smellfungus/harridan! You cavil all the time - no matter what I do. It's always, "Bear! Bear! Bear! Bear!" Nothing I do is right. Just because I go from tearing up one thing to tearing up another and then finish with a side of walking off with whatever you are working on doesn't mean I'm wrong: I'm just doing my job. A little appreciation should suffice. There's no peace around here!

Another annoying trait? Always sucking the fun out of everything! Like when Momma explained to me that the paper pooper has a tray of paper inside - she couldn't let me think it was magic! Or when she tells me she knows I'm going to gobble down all my treat at one time and then barf it back up. Like I don't have self-control! Like she KNOWS everything I'm going to do. Even if it's what ends up happening - I don't need her to tell me!
1) Crepehanger:  (noun) killjoy; someone who takes a pessimistic view of things.
Example: You always assume I'm tearing up your furniture! You think you're all smart turning around and trying to catch me in the act! Then you act like you KNEW it. You, Miss Crepehanger, are not privy to my mind - you don't always know what I'm doing! Just because my claws are dug into the furniture doesn't mean you know why . . . perhaps I'm just resting my paws on the soft cloth or stabbing a bug that's crawling across the back of the chair. Only a crepehanger would assume I'm destroying the chair, when I'm really saving you from the formicidae on your chair that are about to kill you. 

What human doesn't like to feather his or her own cap? They go on and on about how wonderful they are - I'm assuming they do this to convince themselves - because we cats know better. They think everyone is holding their breaths waiting for their latest Facebook post. All about me - all the time! Which would be OK if they were cats - but they are woefully NOT. When you are cat awesome, you don't need to point it out - it speaks for itself!
1) Cacafuego: (noun) a swaggering braggart or boaster.
2) Cockalorum: (noun) a boastful and self-important person.
Example: You walk around here like you own the place . . . silly human, always overestimating your importance. Clearly, as the resident cat, the house and all its contents are mine. ALL MINE. You're a cacafuego/cockalorum just like every other human! "Oh, I can't leave Bear alone for too long, he needs me." Don't make me laugh. I need your opposable thumbs - the rest is optional.

And does your human talk and talk so that all you hear is, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?" Like you care? The effect is even more pronounced when you witness your human doing something that makes no sense (putting the wash in the dryer and not turning it on, looking all over for the glasses on top of one's head, etc).
1) Blatherskite: (noun) a person who talks foolishly at length.
2) Mooncalf: (noun) a foolish or absentminded person.
Example: I can't take it anymore! I don't care that you went to the grocery store and someone was mean to you and you saved a bunch of money with a sale and then on the drive home someone cut you off and then you almost dropped the groceries on the way in and then you realized you forgot something at the store and then you tell me how tired you are . . . ARG! Why do I care if you're a mooncalf and forgot the main reason for the grocery trip? As long as you got my food, we're good. And why do you have to be a blatherskite and share every intricate detail of your life! Sometimes I just want to take a nap!

What human isn't "slow" or uncultured? Isn't that the whole reason for this exercise to begin with? Oh sure. They claim we are low-class because we lick our own butts, but who stares at the computer screen for hours on end? And talks into a "phone" for hours on end - with no one else around?
1) Loblolly: (noun) a stupid, rude or awkward person.
This is an especially good one if your human is awkward and never seems to fit in anywhere.
2) Hobbledehoy: (noun) an awkward, gawky young man.
3) Ninnyhammer: (noun) simpleton, fool.
4) Chawbacon: (noun) bumpkin.
5) Ingenuous: (adjective) showing innocent or childlike simplicity and candidness; lacking craft or subtlety.
Example: Watching you walk into things is pretty fun - I'm just not sure whether you're a loblolly/hobbledehoy because you aren't paying attention or because you haven't figured out how your body works yet. And by the way, it's better to remain silent and be thought a ninnyhammer/chawbacon than to speak and remove all doubt. Especially when what you say is ingenuous: "There's my cute kitty cat!" Are you five? I know where I am! 

And for those humans who are clueless and clueless about being clueless to the point that we can never take them seriously?
1) Mumpsimus: (noun) a stubborn person who insists on making an error in spite of being shown that i
t is wrong.
2) Otiose: (adjective) ineffective or futile.
This is perfect for when a human thinks they are in control and can tell us what to do. Ummm . . . no.
3) Frippery: (noun) something that is not necessary or not serious.
Can you say, "human?"
Example: No matter how many times I show you that sleeping/not paying attention to me is not acceptable, you are a mumpsimus and insist on sleeping anyway. And then you get mad when I knock your things into the toilet. You should know by now that telling me "no" is otiose. Though you must also remember that unless I want it, your presence is frippery.

Thank you to dictionary.com and merriam-webster.com {namely Top 10 Rare and Amusing Insults Vol.1 and Top 10 Rare and Amusing Insults Vol.2 for reminding me of the words and definitions. Of course, I'm a cat, so I already knew all the words - I just made sure I double checked everything.

ps - No humans were hurt in the writing of this post . . . er . . . hurt badly. Of course, I had to test all of the words for maximum effect. The doctor said Momma should be allowed out of the padded room in a few days {Once she stops screaming, "hobbledehoychawbaconmumpsimuscockalorumsmellfungus!" Apparently the good doctor does not realize these are real words . . . humans! Phht!}.

~ Bear


I'm pretty, AND I'm smart! Momma is lucky!

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