Friday, September 4, 2015

Bear Loses His Internet Privileges, Permanently

Remember when Bear filled Momma's inbox with e-mail in his campaign for a whole chicken {HERE}? Or when Bear decided to join a website he thought would help him find fish (among other things) {HERE}?  Unfortunately, Momma didn't learn her lesson and the ramifications of Bear accessing the internet expanded and escalated. So what has Bear been up to? What can possibly go wrong with a cat with internet access? And what will it take before Momma permanently bans Bear from going online? Even more intriguing: does Bear finally admit that he might be in just a little bit over his head (don't count on this one)  . . .

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Bear learns about spam:
(Bear in hiding from the blonde cougar . . . and then Momma)

BC: Psst!
MK: What's wrong, Bear?
BC: There is no Bear here . . . 
MK: Okay.
BC: So if anyone, like say a cougar, asks, I'm NOT here.
MK: What? Why would a cougar come here? Did you join another personals website?
BC: Should I only tell you the parts that won't make you mad or do you want the whole truth?
MK: Let's start with the parts that won't make me mad.
BC: I just got an e-mail that says a blonde cougar "wants" me tonight. I'll be under the bed.
MK: Was it spam?
BC: How would I know? How can I taste the e-mail when you told me to stop licking the screen!?!?! You think I'm just going to wait around for the cougar to turn me into cat snax?
MK: No, I mean - was it in a "junk" folder?
BC: Is that how you refer to your friends that e-mail you?
MK: For crying . . . 
BC: Although, there was one I didn't understand in there about "increasing" my "member." Do I HAVE a member? And do I WANT it increased? Is that like increasing your credit limit?
MK: Bear, don't read the e-mails in that folder - they are just people trying to sell stuff or get money from us.
BC: You mean I didn't win the African lottery? I guess I have to cancel my order for 200 whole chickens . . . 
MK: WHAT?!?!?
BC: Then again, if the Nigerian prince marries me, we might be able to afford them.
MK: Are you . . . did you . . . ARG!
BC: Oh, and you might want to read the e-mail about increasing your credit limit.
MK: BEAR! You're grounded!
BC: I never get to do anything fun anyway . . . reading all the e-mails that you call "junk" makes me realize how little fun we have! Do you think my member would like to play?
MK: That's it. No more computer privileges for you.
BC: Since you won't answer my questions, I'm going to borrow the phone book.
MK: You ARE NOT going to call random people and ask them about your member. Or the blonde cougar. Or anything else for that matter.
BC: We have no life!
MK: Better than spending it in stripes!
BC: What's that supposed to mean? I have stripes!
MK: I meant in prison.
BC: NOOOOO!!!!!
MK: What?
BC: You can't send me to prison! I swear, I didn't know!
MK: Didn't know what exactly?
BC: That all that crap was on the shelf over the toilet!
MK: Is it now IN the toilet?
BC: Isn't that why you mentioned prison?
MK: No.
BC: Oh. Then there are two shelves worth of stuff in the toilet.
MK: BEAR!
BC: Just remember, you granted me immunity!
MK: I think I might need some time to be by myself.
BC: How do I find my member? It'll be lonely all by myself under the bed.
MK: BEAR! There IS no blonde cougar coming for you! There is no member that requires increasing! And there is NO African lottery!
BC: The internet lies?!?!?!? What about the Nigerian prince?
{Pause}
BC: What?!?! That's the look you get when you're about to . . . oh, wow . . . I'll leave you alone now. That look is much scarier than any blonde, brunette or any other color cougar! I think you actually growled too . . . bye!


Bear joins a personals website {the next day}:
(Bear as Momma interrupts whatever he's doing for a talk)
MK: Bear? I'm getting some strange e-mails . . . and it reminded me that you never answered me about the personals website.
BC: You told me to start with what wouldn't make you mad.
MK: What did you do?
BC: I'm not sure.
MK: Does this have something to do with the e-mails I've been getting offering me money for obscene and disgusting things?
BC: No.
{Pause}
BC: Maybe.
MK: So what exactly did you do?
BC: I set up a profile in your name, but for me.
MK: And what did you put in the profile?
BC: That you, or I mean I, like lobster dinners, walks along the beach, talking dirty, and being bad and getting in trouble . . . and I might have offered such naughtiness in exchange for money.
MK: Might have?
BC: Well, I figured you wouldn't mind me misbehaving, as long as people were paying me for it.
MK: What kind of naughty things were you thinking of?
BC: Sticking my paw in the toaster. Chewing a cord or two. Ripping up the furniture. Stealing your drawstring pants. Knocking stuff in the toilet. All the old favorites.
MK: Did you specify what naughty things you were referring to?
BC: I thought it was obvious! I mentioned that I was a cat!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} There's more . . .
MK: More?!?!
BC: I offered to allow them to video tape the naughtiness if they paid extra.
MK: You thought people would pay to video tape you sticking your paw in the toaster?
BC: I am an artiste! Don't forget you get these things for free! Don't say I never give you anything! I deserve to be paid for ALL my hard work!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} There's more . . .
MK: I'm not sure I want to hear it . . . 
BC: I was honest about liking to be in control and dominating the people around me. And my dream of being a black cat.
MK: Is that all?
BC: Oh, and I offered to let other people or cats participate or watch. You know how much I like an audience! It's not the same to misbehave if no one's watching! The more people who appreciate my art, the better! And I'm always open to help!
{Silence}
BC: Momma? I was just trying to make money so I could buy myself a new cat house!
MK: Let me guess, you put that in the profile too.
BC: Well, why not! I want hammocks and a new cat condo!
BC: You're not saying anything . . . this is either really bad or really good . . . 
BC: You should admire my industry and business mind. I used what I'm good at . . . being a pain in the butt . . . and found a way to get money for it.
MK: That's enough! Please tell me you didn't put the pain in the butt part in the profile!?!?!
{Silence}
MK: Bear? Bear?!?!?! BEAR!
BC: You only want me to tell you that I didn't . . . but I did . . . so . . .
MK: {mumbling unintelligibly to herself}
BC: I hear my mom . . . or, err . . . my real mom calling . . . We'll discuss the offers later . . . You might try to relax a bit in the mean time . . . put your feet up . . . grab a cold beverage . . . You look like you're about ready to explode . . . I've never seen you this . . . err . . . never mind. Adios!

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