Sunday, May 22, 2016

From Momma to ***WINNING*** {Bear post}

In the two weeks since the blog that's ***ALL ABOUT ME*** was named a finalist in the Best Pet Humor Blog category of the BlogPaws 2016 Nose-to-Nose Awards, I've done some soul searching and evaluation of the most important and fundamental aspects of Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat. I've carefully considered strengths (it's ***ABOUT ME***; full of pictures of ***ME***; and full of plenty of funny things that happen to my hapless [or should I say clownishly clumsy] Momma) and weaknesses (it's written by my Momma - with all her insecurities, fears, and doubts that get in the way of my fabulousness shining through; plus, there's no tasty whole chicken farm or proper fun-cat provisions). One weakness blatantly outshines all the rest and is so conspicuous, so pronounced, so undeniable, and so unequivocal that I demand indemnity and redress immediately. What is the soul-sucking deficiency of this blog? The quality of the "help." IT SUCKS. Notice the word "help" in quotations. It's SOOO hard to find good help these days ... err ... then again, when it comes to humans, it's ALWAYS been hard to find good help amongst the morass of incompetence. While the other finalists are wonderful, I'm certain that with the right help, I'd have won the category right away without any of this finalist business. My Momma says we're not going to win because the more she reads the other finalists' work, the more out of place she feels among them; just as I suspected - she brings my fabulousness down a hundred thousand gabillion notches. Case in point? When I told her about the gabillion notches, she said a gabillion isn't a real number. All I could do was shake my head and try to be patient with her glaring ineptitude. As such, I am accepting applications for a new administrative assistant (namely providing my victuals, massages, decor, living conditions and the management of my blog-related affairs and empire ... some might call the position servitude, but the lucky person gets to spend all his or her time with me, and what could POSSIBLY be better than that?). 

Since being named a finalist, I've carefully evaluated the "competition" (that's in quotes too because they're really our friends) and found that my Momma really sucks and doesn't have a clue what she's doing. Google+? She thought that was a programming language ... though she's not sure what a programming language even is. Programming language? OBVIOUSLY, it's what we cats use to train our humans quickly and efficiently. Instagram? Nope. Good luck getting her to take pictures with her cell phone. Good luck getting her to USE her cell phone as anything other than a weight in her pocket to keep her weighted down so the air in her head doesn't cause her to float away. She couldn't even send a text message with her phone if my life depended on it. Twitter? Nope. The closest approximation we have in this house is when Fred, my tasty-whole-wild-flying-chicken-disguised-as-a-pigeon friend, visits (he's been gone for quite a while ... if you see him, remind him I require the celebirdies news on a regular basis) and there's lots of twittering outside on our storage shed. Momma in under 140 characters? BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Or should I say: BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. Blog hops? Does she look like a bunny? Or is that some kind of run-by blogging? Maybe a dance move? She's completely clueless. We didn't even have a BlogPaws profile!?!?! And her lack of confidence and self-sabotage is about to ruin my big chance! I mean, when you're THIS sexy ... 
and have THIS many friends ... 

So ... (AHEM!) Here is my formal announcement (with my Momma's comments - because she just can't help butting her nose into my business - in bold, italic and encased in { } because she's just THAT annoying. SEE what I have to put up with!!!) ready for immediate release.

As I'm unhappy with current management, I'm requesting applications for new "owners" {servants}. I have only a few measly requests {demands}:


1) Unlimited wet food and treats {free feeding dry food is not sufficient, nor is only a daily "treat" of a limited amount of wet food/treats}. Preferably, you'll possess a fish tank for free feeding and a farm of tasty whole chickens for my leisure and convenience. I have a lot of tasty whole chicken leisuring pent up inside. 
LOTS of these:

2) Appreciation for my artistic vision {freedom to "reupholster" furniture, tear up carpet, "tailor" your clothes, rearrange sheets, etc as he sees fit.} As everyone knows, if it's not holey, it's not holy, as fang marks are the new black. Make that the BEST black. Thankfully, if you are not cool in any other way, I can help you achieve this {because there are quite literally fang marks in everything I own} - well, except for Momma. She'll never be cool. NEVER. Examples of my extraordinary talent:
Part of my talent includes my penchant for ferociousness and merciless and savage hunting of unwieldy beasts:



3) More toys than a child and your toys too {includes cords, anything with a string or cord attached to it, pens, laptops with keys that pop off, toasters, and anything that can be dragged or batted around. Remember, if you don't want it neither does he.}

4) No other animals, children, or significant others. I mean, you have BEAR CAT, why would you need anyone else?


5) Undivided attention {but only when he wants it, otherwise, pretend he's invisible. And he still reserves the right to do the things he's not supposed to even though you ARE paying attention to him}. Also, 
The Great Bear Cat will not be kept waiting, for ANYTHING. I mean, really, why wouldn't you pay attention to this?

6) No vet visits, no brushing my teeth, no clipping my claws, no carrier or harness, no baths or washing my chin; my awesomeness can best be appreciated "au naturel." This "genetic proclivity" for gum disease or feline acne is a scheme devised to rationalize cruel and unusual punishment. And when I lose teeth or break out, it's obvious that the torture is CAUSING it, not mitigating it.

7) Warm bed, preferably heated, just for me - unless I specifically ask you to share. A super-duper extra premium cat tree complete with cat hammocks but no scratching posts. A cat THIS fabulous doesn't require scratching posts. My artistic vision above is best expressed throughout the house. Believe me, you'll thank me.

8) Your food too. I get first dibs which means I get to lick everything first and drop my toy mice in your glass/mug of coffee/tea/milk - to test the suitability of the morsels before you eat/drink them.


9) When tragedy befalls me - no laughing. Your first duty is to rescue me from the perils in which I find myself so unjustly ... err ... peril-ized and never laugh {"unjust?" The cat courts trouble ... sticking his paw in the toaster (only for it to get stuck in the toaster), his body caught in the handle of a plastic bag because he just can't help sniffing around the contents, or tape somehow getting attached to his fur because he has to have his nose in whatever I'm doing. And that doesn't include his daredevil jumps, his thieving, his counter clearing, cord chewing ... you get the idea.}.



Here's the plastic bag that tried to eat me!!!!! {Not quite. Somecat stuck his nose where it didn't belong and then was startled, getting his body caught in the HANDLE of the plastic bag. Of course, then he panicked and the bag ripped - the contents going one direction, and the cat, and the bag, the other. Ask him how he got un-stuck. No, really! Ask him! Yep, his inept Momma, thank you very much. Okay, okay. So the rescue was delayed until I quit laughing long enough for him to let me get close to him. I'm only human.}.


10) Miscellaneous. 
The human must wear pants (why this even needs saying, I have no idea). I'm not coming out until you put on pants!

The human must not sing or dance or any other bit of maximum annoyingness, like talk. Yeah. None of this:
No pictures (you're NOT the paparazzi) ... 


Oh. And if you're not smart enough to have figured this out yet ... everything is mine. And I'm NEVER sorry.








Okay, okay ... I'm kidding ... mostly. I love my Momma and all ... and we make a pretty good pair, though sometimes I wish she talked and annoyed me less. But let's just say, that if you could make me a star and give me a home on a tasty whole chicken farm, I might find myself with an offer I can't refuse. My Momma also noted that none of the above requirements have anything to do with our blog or her lack of abilities. So how would having all of the above improve this blog? A happy cat ... umm ... err ... RATS! UNLESS THE CAT IS HAPPY, NO ONE IS HAPPY. Until competent help steps up to the proverbial plate (unless it's a real plate full of fishy as I never say no to fishy) ... dis is mine too:


Hehe. She never even saw this one coming . . . 

~Bear Cat

Momma's notes:
*** This past week, Momma finally got her act together and Momma and Her Bear Cat joined Twitter. Check us out: @MKandHerBC ... Momma occasionally posts hints or sneak peeks of our daily Facebook conversations on there IN ADVANCE.
*** For more information on the BlogPaws​ 2016 Nose-to-Nose Pet Blogging and Social Media Awards, and to see the list of finalists: 2016 Nose-to-Nose Pet Blogging and Social Media Awards.
*** The other finalists in our category: Erin the Cat Princess, GLOGIRLY - Tails Of A Cat And Her Girl, and Nerissa's Life. Check them out too; you won't regret it (just don't forget about us, Bear will get mad at Momma ... or MORE mad at Momma since he has a baseline level of furry fury at all times.)
*** Our new "badge:"
*** We love our readers and appreciate you joining us on this journey. We love feedback and suggestions too! 

17 comments:

  1. Congrats on the well-deserved nomination! Go easy on your Momma. She's doing her best for a mere human.

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    1. Thank you. {SIGH} Alas, the perils of catting in a human world. ~Bear Cat

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  2. We can't figure out the googly Google thingy, either. Way too complicated for my peep, for sure. MOUSES!

    Please let me know if you have any responses regarding your search for new staff. My Peep #1 is pretty useless so I'm due for an upgrade, myself. Long overdue, for sure. So overdue, in fact, that I'm willing to take your leftovers you no longer need.

    Purrs,
    Seville

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    Replies
    1. I knew you'd understand Seville! My Momma keeps telling me to watch what I say because people might think I'm insulting them when the reality is that all humans are ... err ... "special" - including (and maybe most of all) my Momma. I'm so glad I have a friend that understands - cats rock (and rule, but that's like saying the sky is blue. DUH!). ~Bear Cat

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    2. Yup, just like saying that, for sure. MOUSES!

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  3. We won't let the mom apply for the position. She's almost as useless as your servant. Wait...she's probably more useless. Yep, that's right.

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    1. NO! That's hard to believe! I didn't think it was possible for "more useless" to exist! If true, you have my commiserations and condolences. Or something like that :) ~Bear Cat

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  4. Concatsulation on being an N2N Award finalist. That is a major accomplishment. Bear, you have the most expressive eyes and adorable smile. You are a real cutie-pie. Thanks so much for joining our Sunday Selfies Blog Hop. We hope to see you every week. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

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    1. Thank you for the congratulations and compliments. Yes, Bear DEFINITELY knows he's handsome - and he never tires of hearing it. We added you to our Google+ and followed you on Twitter so we could stay in touch. If you have a Facebook page, we'd love to "LIKE" you too.
      <3 Momma and Bear

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  5. Oh Bear Cat, we think you AND your momma are wildly funny! Your demands are simple... what every cat deserves. Especially the whole *farm of tasty whole chickens for you leisure and convenience* thing.

    Thank you so much for the sweet shout out. We're tickled to be named finalists along with you, Erin and Seville. : )

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    1. Thank you. We're a bit infatuated with Katie and Waffles. We've got an awesome group of finalists - getting to know all of you is far better than any award.

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  6. Hi Bear, sorry I'm so late calling in. A great post, and clearly you do have issues there with staff, I can tell, but keep on working at it 'cos believe me, breaking in a new peep is way way harder! Secret to my success is *whispers* "....... and also, never less than one mouse a night, under the bed is best." Now as to these whole chickens, do yours come ready cooked with a cream sauce?

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    1. GASP! I don't know! I've never HAD a tasty whole chicken! Do they come in a cream sauce?!?! Or GRAVY!?!? I'VE BEEN SCREWED! AGAIN! I'm going to leave my Momma a very special present to express my disgust! Good thing I have friends like you to tell me when my Momma is shortchanging me! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Happy Sunday selfie Momma Kat and Bear Cat! purrs ERin

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  8. Replies
    1. It NEVER ends! Just when you think they've got it, they come up with some other hair-brained idea! I've owned my Momma for 10 years already!!! Sheesh. ~Bear Cat

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